Healing from

a Narcissistic Relationship

Healing from

a Narcissistic Relationship

A Caretaker’s Guide to Recovery,

Empowerment, and Transformation

Margalis Fjelstad

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“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned

so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

E. M. Forester

AUTHOR’S NOTE

The examples, anecdotes, and characters in this book are

drawn from my clinical work, research, and life experiences with real

people and events. Names and some identifying events and details

have been changed, and some situations are composites to protect

people’s privacy.

Throughout the book I consistently use masculine pronouns

when talking about the narcissist. This is for ease of writing, instead

of he or she, and because it is estimated that approximately 70

percent of narcissists are male. If the narcissist in your life is female,

all of the comments and suggestions here will also apply.

Introduction

Relationships with narcissists can be painful, frustrating,

complicated, and totally mystifying. Nothing they say or do seems to

be the same from day to day. They can be charming and loving one

moment and hateful and demeaning the next. They tell you one thing

and then do another. When you confront them with these

discrepancies, they blame you and say you’re the crazy one, and

often you do end up feeling like you’re crazy. The narcissist can

swing you from emotional highs to emotional lows. Most

relationships with narcissists can be described as follows in the next

few paragraphs.

The relationship started out almost as a fairy tale. In the

beginning you felt adored, understood, ecstatic, and more smitten

than you had ever felt before. You thought that the two of you were

completely in tune and that you even shared the same thoughts,

feelings, and dreams. Your partner described to you the perfect life

you would share together, more wonderful than you would have

dared to dream of on your own. You felt a oneness. The relationship

progressed very quickly, and within days, you were deeply and

irrevocably in love. The narcissist told you this was the perfect

relationship, and you committed yourself entirely.

But something changed after that—it may have been almost

instantly or may have taken a few months or longer. Your oneness

didn’t seem to be there anymore. Your loved one became controlling,

selfish, angry, blaming, and self-justifying. You no longer felt

understood, and your needs seemed to be discounted and even

mocked. You began to feel unheard, unappreciated, frustrated, and

often depressed and anxious. You had to work hard to ignore your

feelings of hurt and rejection.

You tried to talk about your feelings and needs, only to be

treated as if your requests were silly, unimportant, or just plain

foolish. You ended up wondering what was wrong with you. What

had you done to make your loved one so distant and indifferent? You

kept trying. You made accommodations. You gave more love and

attention. You gave in to keep the peace. You gave up your interests

and even time with your friends and family to meet your loved one’s

expectations. You tried in every way to be the perfect spouse or

partner. And you kept hoping to get that loving feeling to return.

It was so confusing. You started to feel as though your whole life

was being controlled by this person. Why was your partner being so

mean and self-centered? You wanted your needs to be considered.

You wanted to feel cared about. You wanted the relationship to be

more equal and shared. You tried to do everything perfectly, and

when that didn’t work, you tried harder. Nothing seemed to make a

difference for very long. You continually felt like the giver, your

partner always demanding and taking more. And you often felt guilty

that you weren’t doing enough and couldn’t get it right.

The longer you’re in a relationship with someone so self-

centered and self-absorbed, the more you feel drained,

disappointed, and hurt. His selfishness pushes you away, but

something inside of you keeps hoping things will change and he’ll

again be the person you know he can be—the funny, smart, caring

person you first met but who now seems to be buried most of the

time.

Along the way you saw hopeful signs. Your partner would

suddenly be just as sweet and loving and attentive as you

remembered. You felt that surge of happiness and relief that things

were going to be all right after all. But all too quickly he switched

back into anger and blame, ignoring and criticizing you when

everything didn’t go perfectly. Through all of this you kept hoping

things would work out, and you kept working hard to be loving and

kind to prove how much you wanted to make the relationship

succeed.

Then one day your loved one announces that the relationship

just is not working. It’s no longer fulfilling or exciting. You’re too

negative and needy. You’re boring and uninteresting. What? You are

shocked and wonder if he’s kidding you. You tried all this time to be

as perfect, loving, accommodating, and giving as humanly possible,

and that wasn’t enough? You discounted your own needs and wants

to make the relationship work, and even that wasn’t sufficient. You

denied your own feelings of dissatisfaction and kept trying to be

positive and optimistic. Now, he says it’s your fault. You didn’t give

enough, or you complained too much, or you weren’t interesting

enough, or sexy enough, or whatever enough. You’ve just been

dumped by a narcissist.

Over my thirty-plus years of working as a marriage and family

therapist, I have witnessed many such scenarios. And I, too, was

once dumped by a narcissist. The experience is mind-numbing and

devastating. Over the years it has been my purpose to comfort and

heal the family members who are negatively affected by a loved one

with narcissistic personality disorder.

So many people, including therapists, try to figure out why

narcissists do what they do, and there are hundreds of books on that

subject. I wrote my first book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or

Narcissist, because there was little written for people who found

themselves enmeshed in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline

person. I wanted family members to know that they were being seen

and heard. I wanted to tell them there are defined patterns of

thinking and feeling that create these insane dramas that they get

drawn into. I wanted to show them they could get out of the drama. I

also wanted them to know they could not fix or cure their narcissistic

family member but that they could stop buying into the narcissist’s

insanity and learn to make a better life for themselves.

This book goes a step further. It’s about healing and becoming

whole and healthy again after a narcissistic relationship. I did it, and I

have helped thousands of people find understanding, learn new

skills, and heal in my Caretaker Recovery groups. When you’re in a

close relationship with a narcissist, you inevitably give up yourself,

your dreams and opinions, and even your sense of individuality. You

fall into what I call a “caretaker pattern,” one in which you give up

your needs to take care of what the narcissist needs and wants. You

have to reverse this pattern in order to regain your emotional health.

This book shows you how to do just that.

Recovering from a narcissistic relationship can take a lot longer

than getting over the end of a typical relationship, because you’ve

been on high alert, hypervigilant, and attuned to his every

expectation or reaction. It will take some time for your stress

hormones to become normal again. You may find that you feel

exhausted and have to regain your strength. Most of all, you’ll need

to rebuild your sense of self and self-worth. No one gets out of a

relationship with a narcissist unscathed.

If you feel confused and mystified, then this book will help you

see things more clearly. If your self-esteem is in shambles, it will

show you how to heal your wounds and regain your strength. If you

wonder why all this happened, you’ll find information and

understanding. If your self-confidence has evaporated, you’ll find

encouragement. If you don’t know where you’re going from here, this

book will give you direction.

If you have been through this same kind of relationship before,

now is the time to break the pattern of taking care of others while

ignoring and giving up yourself. Out of this experience you can learn

better self-care and self-love. You can heal and recover your

strength. You can break out of the self-sacrificing caretaker pattern

forever and become more resilient than you ever were before. You

may even find a new purpose and energy and maybe even a new

you. It is never too late to choose again, begin again, and make a

better life for yourself.

The Narcissist and the

Caretaker

Chapter 1

It’s All About

Them

—Narcissists

“Here’s the need to know revelation about narcissists: Whatever

they do, it’s never about you.”

—Kathleen Parker, newswoman, the Washington Post

IN THE BEGINNING

When you first met and fell in love with the narcissist in your life, you

were attracted to the charming, confident, easygoing, superfriendly

way he appeared to be in the world. You probably felt really valued

and enveloped in the center of his attention—rather like you were the

only two people in the world. You felt special, selected, exceptional,

or even privileged to have the attention of someone so fully and

completely. You may actually have fallen in love in those first few

moments.

WHAT A NARCISSIST SHOWS YOU

Usually within the first session with a client, I will be asked “Is my

husband/wife really a narcissist?” The second question is, “Will

he/she ever get better?” To answer the first question, let’s look first at

the behaviors and traits that identify narcissism. In chapter 3, I’ll

cover information on why narcissists rarely get better.

Narcissists create a glamorized “False Self,” or persona, to

show to the world.[1] This image of superiority and friendliness is

usually easygoing and sociable. When a narcissist sets his sights on

you and turns on the charm, it is almost mesmerizing. The attention

and solicitude feel so good. You may get pulled in by his superior

disdain for the conventional and mundane, which can appear

contemporary and edgy. You feel cool and exclusive to be included

in his world. When Amy met Chuck, she was impressed by his

knowledge and confidence about seemingly everything. This gave

her a sense of truly being in the presence of someone exceptional,

and it made her feel special.

To narcissists, the façade is everything. Who they appear to be

is who they believe they are. They are immersed wholly and

completely in their fantasy of themselves. That is why they are so

believable. Narcissists are preoccupied with their own delusions

about their self-importance and superiority. They believe they are

entitled to special treatment, and they work to make you believe it

too. Some narcissists are very grandiose, and others are more

quietly superior. They have an intense need to be perfect, well

thought of, in control, and more significant than anyone else. You

think you’re being included in that top ranking, but you really aren’t.

WHAT’S BELOW THE SURFACE?

Below the façade of charm, humor, beguiling attentiveness, boastful

self-confidence, and stories of successes and accomplishments is a

completely different person—one who is deeply selfish, needy, and

controlling. The term “narcissism” is used to denote people who are

at their core self-centered, self-absorbed, calculating, and

manipulative. They hide and deny, even to themselves, these inner

flaws while presenting a perfect image to the world. Only when you

get really close to a narcissist will you find he’s frequently defensive,

angry, hostile, and demeaning.

Narcissists want desperately to form a relationship that will

supply their endless need for attention and provide a scapegoat for

their blame. They look for someone who will give in to their control,

who will take care of their endless demands, and who will be deeply

attached to them and put up with their needy self-centeredness.

As you’ve struggled to understand your relationship with a

narcissist, you may have come across many different descriptions

and explanations for their behaviors. Narcissists can have passive-

aggressive traits; act obsessive and compulsive; be rageful; have

drug, alcohol, sex, or gambling addictions; or be hypochondriacs.

They enter relationships quickly and intensely, with lots of charm and

attention on you, and when they’re sure you are fully committed, they

switch back to a complete focus on themselves, their wants and

needs. Some are extremely emotionally destructive, and others can

be more benevolent. Some need constant attention from you. Others

pour themselves into benevolent projects with other people to get

community attention and praise while ignoring you for weeks at a

time.

Angela was smitten by Blake at first sight. He was witty,

outrageous, and edgy. Within days they were living together, but it

was several months before Angela realized that Blake had taken

over her entire life—arranging all their social contacts; always

deciding what restaurants, movies, and events to attend; and even

choosing what Angela would wear. When she tried to make different

choices, he would laugh, dismiss her ideas, and refuse to do much

of anything her way. She found it easier to give in than to think about

leaving the relationship.

In actuality, narcissists are two people in one body. The False

Self protects and hides a repressed, vulnerable, negative, and

despised inner self. This is called “splitting.”[2] They have two very

different parts of their personalities—a positive self and a disowned,

hidden negative self. The closer contact you have with a narcissist,

the more likely these two parts will get tangled up, and you’ll see that

hidden shadow self as he projects it onto you.

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHETHER A PERSON IS A

NARCISSIST?

I use the duck test—that is, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a

duck, it probably is a duck. There are no physical blood tests, MRIs,

or exact determinations that can identify narcissism. Even therapists

have to go on their observations of the behavior, attitudes, and

reactions that a person presents to determine narcissism. So here

are the symptoms and behaviors you should look for. Keep in mind

that not all of these have to be present to make a determination of

narcissism. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual,[3]

which therapists use as a guide, the person needs only 55 percent of

the identified characteristics to be considered narcissistic. The list

here is descriptive to give you a more real-life picture of the

narcissist’s common behaviors.

Superiority and Entitlement

The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad,

superior/inferior, and right/wrong. There is a definite hierarchy, with

the narcissist at the top—which is the only place he feels safe.

Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most

competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control

everyone. Interestingly enough, narcissists can also get that superior

feeling by being the worst; the most wrong; or the most ill, upset, or

injured for a period of time. Then they feel entitled to receive

soothing concern and recompense, and even the right to hurt you or

demand apologies to “make things even.”

High Need for Attention and Validation

Narcissists need constant attention—even following you around

the house, asking you to find things, or constantly saying something

to grab your attention. Validation for a narcissist counts only if it

comes from others. Even then, it doesn’t count for much. A

narcissist’s need for validation is like a funnel. You pour in positive,

supportive words, and they just flow out the other end and are gone.

No matter how much you tell narcissists you love them, admire them,

or approve of them, they never feel that it’s enough—because deep

down they don’t believe anyone can love them. Despite all their self-

absorbed, grandiose bragging, narcissists are actually very insecure

and fearful of not measuring up. They constantly try to elicit praise

and approval from others to shore up their fragile egos, but no matter

how much they’re given, they always want more.

Perfectionism

Narcissists have an extremely high need for everything to be

perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect,

events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out

precisely as they envision it. This is an excruciatingly impossible

demand, which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and

miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the

narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.

High Need for Control

Since narcissists are continually disappointed with the less than

perfect way that life unfolds, they want to do as much as possible to

control it to their liking. They want and demand to be in control, and

their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they

should be in control—of everything. Narcissists always have a story

line in mind about what each “character” in their interaction should

be saying and doing. When you don’t behave as expected, they

become quite upset and unsettled. They don’t know what to expect

next, because you’re off script. They demand that you say and do

exactly what they have in mind so they can reach their desired

conclusion. You are a character in their internal play, not a real

person with your own thoughts and feelings.

Lack of Responsibility—Blaming and Deﬂecting

Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be

responsible for the results—unless, of course, everything goes

exactly their way and their desired result occurs. When things don’t

go according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect,

the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on you. It has to

be someone else’s fault. Sometimes that blame is generalized, for

example, all police, all bosses, all teachers, all Democrats, and so

on. At other times the narcissist picks a particular person or rule to

blame, for example, his mother, the judge, or laws that limit what he

wants to do. Most often, however, the narcissist blames the one

person who is the most emotionally close, most attached, loyal, and

loving in his life—you. To maintain the façade of perfection,

narcissists always have to blame someone or something else. You

are the safest person to blame, because you are least likely to leave

or reject him.

Lack of Boundaries

Narcissists can’t accurately see where they end and you begin.

They are a lot like two-year-olds. They believe that everything

belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and

everyone wants the same things they do. They are shocked and

highly insulted to be told no. If a narcissist wants something from

you, he’ll go to great lengths to figure out how to get it through

persistence, cajoling, demanding, rejecting, or pouting.

Lack of Empathy

Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others. They

tend to be selfish and self-involved and are usually unable to

understand what other people are feeling.[4] Narcissists expect

others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom give any

thought to how others feel. They are also rarely apologetic or feel

remorseful or guilty.

However, narcissists are highly attuned to perceived threats,

anger, and rejection from others. At the same time, they are nearly

blind to the other feelings of the people around them. They

frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased

toward interpreting facial expressions as negative. Unless you are

acting out your emotions dramatically, the narcissist won’t accurately

perceive what you’re feeling. Even saying “I’m sorry” or “I love you”

when the narcissist is on edge and angry can backfire. He won’t

believe you and may even misperceive your comment as an attack.

In addition, if your words and expressions aren’t congruent, the

narcissist will likely respond erroneously. This is why narcissists

often misinterpret sarcasm as actual agreement or joking from others

as a personal attack. Their lack of ability to correctly read body

language is one reason narcissists are deficiently empathetic to your

feelings. They don’t see them, they don’t interpret them correctly,

and overall they don’t believe you feel any differently than they do.

Narcissists also lack an understanding about the nature of

feelings. They don’t understand how their feelings occur. They think

their feelings are caused by someone or something outside of

themselves. They don’t realize that their feelings are caused by their

own biochemistry, thoughts, and interpretations. In a nutshell,

narcissists always think you cause their feelings—especially the

negative ones. They conclude that because you didn’t follow their

plan or because you made them feel vulnerable, you are to blame.

This lack of empathy makes true relationships and emotional

connection with narcissists difficult or impossible. They just don’t

notice what anyone else is feeling.

Emotional Reasoning

You’ve probably made the mistake of trying to “explain” and use

logic with the narcissist to get him to understand the painful effect his

behaviors have on you. You think that if he understands how much

his behaviors hurt you, he’ll quit doing them. Your explanations,

however, don’t make sense to the narcissist, who only seems able to

be aware of his own thoughts and feelings. Although narcissists may

say they understand, they honestly don’t.

Therefore, narcissists make most of their decisions based on

how they feel about something. They just have to have that red

sports car, based entirely on how they feel driving it, not by whether

it is a good choice to make for the family or for the budget. If they’re

bored or depressed, they want to move or end the relationship or

start a new business. They always look to something or someone

outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs. They expect

you to go along with their “solutions,” and they react with irritation

and resentment if you don’t.

Splitting

The narcissist’s personality is split into good and bad parts, and

they also split everything in their relationships into good and bad.

Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others,

whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good.

They deny their negative words and actions, while continually

accusing you of being disapproving.

They also remember things as completely good and wonderful

or as bad and horrible. They can’t seem to mix these two constructs.

Marty labeled the whole vacation ruined and the worst ever because

the hotel room didn’t meet his expectations and the weather wasn’t

perfect. Bob was blamed for twenty years because he wasn’t there

when his wife had their first child even though he was stranded in

Chicago in a snowstorm. Marie’s husband dismissed her concerns

about the $30,000 cost for the new landscaping because he loved it.

Narcissists aren’t able to see, feel, or remember both the positive

and the negative in a situation. They can deal with only one

perspective at a time—theirs.

Fear

The narcissist’s entire life is motivated and energized by fear.

Most narcissists’ fears are deeply buried and repressed. They’re

constantly afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or just plain wrong.

They may have fears about germs, about losing all their money,

about being emotionally or physically attacked, about being seen as

bad or inadequate, or about being abandoned. This makes it difficult

and sometimes impossible for the narcissist to trust anyone else.

In fact, the closer your relationship becomes, the less he will

trust you. Narcissists fear any true intimacy or vulnerability because

they’re afraid you’ll see their imperfections and judge or reject them.

No amount of reassurance seems to make any difference, because

narcissists deeply hate and reject their own shameful imperfections.

Narcissists never seem to develop trust in the love of others, and

they continually test you with worse and worse behaviors to try to

find your breaking point. Their gripping fear of being “found out” or

abandoned never seems to dissipate.

Anxiety

Anxiety is an ongoing, vague feeling that something bad is

happening or about to happen. Some narcissists show their anxiety

by talking constantly about the doom that is about to happen, and

some hide and repress their anxiety. But most narcissists project

their anxiety onto their closest loved ones. They accuse you of being

negative, unsupportive, mentally ill, not putting them first, not

responding to their needs, or being selfish. All of this is designed to

label you with their anxiety in an attempt to not feel it themselves. As

you feel worse and worse, the narcissist feels better and better. In

fact, he feels stronger and more superior as you feel your anxiety

and depression grow.

Shame

Narcissists don’t feel much guilt because they think they are

always right, and they don’t believe their behaviors really affect

anyone else. However, they harbor a lot of shame. Shame is the

belief that there is something deeply and permanently wrong or bad

about who you are. Buried in a deeply repressed part of the

narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is

constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including himself. The

narcissist is acutely ashamed of all these rejected thoughts and

feelings. For example, I had one narcissistic client who was into

skydiving and other intense, risk-taking behaviors tell me that he

never felt fear. “Fear,” he said, “was evil.” He was clearly on a

crusade to defeat it.

Keeping his vulnerabilities hidden is essential to the narcissist’s

pretend self-esteem or False Self. Ultimately, however, this makes it

impossible for them to be completely real and transparent.

Inability to Be Truly Intimate

Because of their inability to understand feelings, lack of

empathy, and constant need for self-protection, narcissists can’t truly

love or connect emotionally with other people. They cannot look at

the world from anyone else’s perspective. They’re essentially

emotionally blind and alone. This makes them emotionally needy.

When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap

relationships or start a new one as soon as possible. They

desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathize with

them, and make everything just as they want it to be. However, they

have little ability to respond to your pain or fear or even your day-to-

day need for care and sympathy.

Can’t Cooperate and Be a Team Member

Thoughtful, cooperative behaviors require a real understanding

of each other’s feelings. How will the other person feel? Will this

action make both of us happy? How will this affect our relationship?

These are questions that narcissists don’t have the capacity or the

motivation to think about. Don’t expect the narcissist to understand

your feelings, give in, or give up anything he wants for your benefit;

it’s useless.

WHAT ABOUT SOCIOPATHS?

Narcissists and sociopaths are not the same. It’s often hard to tell

the difference when you only look at outward behaviors. There’s a

big difference, however, when you look at their hidden vulnerabilities.

Socio-

paths pretty much have no emotional vulnerabilities. They are born

without fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, or any empathy. They do not care

about your feelings even a little. Narcissists, on the other hand, want

to have a relationship, but they have some real disabilities in their

capacity to respond with compassion and understanding.[5]

Sociopaths do not have any desire for a relationship with you.

Their goal is to get whatever it is you have that they want—such as

money, property, sex, attention, cooperation—without giving you

anything in exchange and then move on. Narcissists often keep

hanging on to the relationship with you even after you split up

because they want that connection and continued attention.

If you’re recovering from manipulation or abuse by a sociopath,

you’ll need more help than this book can provide. You have been

severely abused, and you may need ongoing psychotherapy,

deprogramming, or intensive emotional care. However, this book can

lead you in the right direction toward increasing your self-esteem and

becoming more self-loving.

CONCLUSION

For narcissists, life is all about them. They create an appealing and

charming façade to hook you into a relationship, but hidden under

that False Self are a multitude of relationship limitations and

dysfunctional emotional responses. The narcissist promises to take

care of you and make you the center of his life, only to turn the

tables on you and demand that you be totally focused on him.

Narcissists hide their emotional deficits or blame you for “making

them” act angry, hurtful, and selfish. It’s not until you are truly

committed to the relationship that you discover how many

discrepancies there are between the narcissist’s presented image

and his real personality.

You got hooked into this relationship under false pretenses.

What you were offered and thought you were getting disappeared

almost immediately after you made a commitment. It will never return

for any length of time.

In the next chapter I’ll share with you information about the

qualities and relationship patterns that you brought to this

relationship and how they mesh with the narcissist’s characteristics.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

Which of the behaviors presented here does the narcissist in your

life have?

What traits or behaviors attracted you to the narcissist? Which

of those are still present on a daily basis now?

What effect has the narcissist’s blame and anger had on you?

How has the narcissist’s lack of empathy affected your

relationship?

Can you identify times when the narcissist completely misread

or misinterpreted things you said or did?

What traits of fear, anxiety, and shame have you seen in the

narcissist?

What percentage of the behaviors mentioned in this chapter

does the narcissist in your life exhibit?

NOTES

1. Johnson, Stephen. Character Styles. New York, NY: W. W. Norton

& Co., 1994.

2. Johnson, Stephen. Humanizing the Narcissistic Style. New York,

NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 1987.

3. American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical

Manual of Mental Disorders. Washington, DC, 2013.

4. Baron-Cohen, Simon. Zero Degrees of Empathy. New York, NY:

Penguin Group, 2011.

5. Ibid.

Chapter 2

What About

You

“I thought I knew who I was, but I was you.”

—Rumi

WHY THE NARCISSIST NEEDS YOU TO BE A

CARETAKER

Narcissists are actually very needy, insecure, and emotionally

disabled, so it is vital for them to be in a relationship with someone

who can take care of all of these deficits. Narcissists are highly self-

oriented, but they need a partner to help them project their illusion of

competence and perfection in the world. Although they are emotional

loners, they don’t ever want to be alone.

They also want someone who will accept all of their cast-off

feelings and still love, accept, and stay with them without their having

to change. People who are willing to take on this role I call emotional

caretakers.[1] If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for

any length of time, either you already were an emotional caretaker or

you have since become one.

EMOTIONAL CARETAKERS—OTHER ORIENTED

People who become emotional caretakers to a narcissist tend to

naturally be highly empathetic, agreeable, easygoing, and flexible.

They’re considerate, caring, generous, and giving. They look for the

good in others, and they like to please others. They’re steady and

reliable and want to do a good job. When they see someone who

needs help, they are often the first ones to step in. Giving to others

gives them pleasure. They make excellent workers, staunch friends,

loving parents, and loyal spouses. So far, this describes really nice,

caring people.

However, to consistently be an emotional caretaker for a

narcissist, you have to also have some self-defeating traits,

otherwise you wouldn’t have stayed in the relationship. Caretakers

tend to be overly giving, overly loyal, and too empathetic—traits that

narcissists highly encourage and use to their advantage. You

probably have a strong sense of guilt even when something isn’t

your fault. You might have a hidden tendency toward low self-esteem

and a fear of anger or disagreements, and you may be easily

manipulated by blame, accusation, and disappointment from others.

You probably discount your own wants and needs and give in too

much to others. Caretakers usually downplay their own good

qualities while admiring and praising the good in others—a

narcissist’s dream come true. And finally, you are probably not

comfortable being in charge.

These strengths and susceptibilities make you a perfect match

for what the narcissist needs. Let’s look at these qualities in more

depth.

STRENGTHS

Superempathetic

What narcissists lack in empathy, emotional caretakers make up

for in overflowing measure. Caretakers are extremely empathetic—

actually more along the lines of being sympathetic. That is, you may

actually feel your loved ones’ feelings more strongly than your own.

You’re extremely good at reading even the smallest facial cues and

body language, and you often know what other people feel before

they do. So the narcissist just has to “give that look,” and you’ll jump

into action to take care of things. Obviously, this is very appealing to

the narcissist, who already expects you to read his mind.

Agreeable, Easygoing, and Flexible

Emotional caretakers typically respond to requests from others

with “OK, fine, sure, I’d be happy to do that.” This doesn’t necessarily

mean you actually want to do what is being asked. It’s likely that you

don’t even think about saying no. Caretakers try to be as agreeable

and pleasing as possible. When plans change, you don’t worry too

much but are adaptable and flexible. You tend to be easygoing, so it

doesn’t feel difficult to adjust your preferences to meet those of the

narcissist. In addition, when the narcissist is being rigid and upset

about sudden changes and adjustments in plans, you easily smooth

things over and move forward.

Generous and Giving

Emotional caretakers share easily, give generously, and

automatically look for ways to help others. You get a lot of personal

pleasure and satisfaction out of giving your time, attention, energy,

and even money and other kinds of tangible help. You often don’t

even keep track of how much you’re giving, nor do you expect others

to give as much as you do. You just take it for granted that other

people will reciprocate in kind when they are able. You often don’t

notice that the narcissist isn’t giving you nearly as much or repaying

your kindness until the balance sheet is extremely unequal.

Look for the Good in Others

Emotional caretakers don’t like to speak negatively about

anyone. You prefer to look for the smallest bit of goodness in others

and focus entirely on that. You just expect that others will treat you

as kindly and caringly as you would treat them. Caretakers are big

believers in second chances, hope, willingness to change, and

transformation. Narcissists find your tendency to be validating and

optimistic very enjoyable. Even when the narcissist acts rude, hurtful,

or selfish, you typically forgive and understand, hoping for better

behavior in the future.

Steady and Reliable

Caretakers are reliable. You follow through, keep your promises,

do more than your fair share, and can be counted on when things go

awry. You’re dependable, trustworthy, and consistent. You take the

bad with the good and keep your focus on the solution. If there is a

problem, you’re ready to step in and work toward a resolution. You

are not deterred by difficulties or complications. Caretakers like

things to go smoothly and are willing to put in the effort to resolve

things in a positive way.

Like to Please Others

Making others happy makes the caretaker happy. You’re a

peacemaker. You don’t like to be around conflict and disagreement.

You work to find compromise and develop cooperation. You’re willing

to acknowledge your mistakes and make amends. Most caretakers

search for solutions that are mutually beneficial. As a result, it can be

upsetting to you when the other person is angry, displeased, or

dissatisfied and won’t work to resolve an issue.

SUSCEPTIBILITIES AND VULNERABILITIES

Overly Loyal

Once an emotional caretaker makes a promise, it’s forever. In

adults, promises are usually reciprocal, in other words, I’ll do this,

and you’ll do that or I’ll give this, and you’ll give that. This applies to

many things, such as promises of love, friendship, marriage,

financial support, or fidelity, and even small things like promises of

going somewhere together, being somewhere on time, or even

cleaning the kitchen. Caretakers are meticulous about keeping their

promises but amazingly undemanding that other people keep their

reciprocal promises. Even when the narcissist breaks all of his

promises, you’re likely to keep on as if everything in the relationship

were just as it should be. You believe that if you keep your promises

and stay loyal, the narcissist will eventually come around and fulfill

his promises to you.

Overly Sympathetic

Emotional caretakers often have more sympathy for others than

they have for themselves. For example, do you hate to disappoint

others, be disliked, or have someone be upset with you for even a

short time? You may chastise yourself for any anger, mistake, or hurt

you cause others, but you easily forgive the narcissist for his self-

oriented, rude, or hurtful behaviors.

This difference in how you treat yourself versus what you expect

from the narcissist puts your relationship out of balance. By giving

too much and expecting too little, you have set a standard that it’s

OK to discount or ignore your feelings, wants, and needs. Kind and

healthy people see this and try not to impose on you too much.

Narcissists zero in on you because this imbalance is exactly what

they are looking for.

Overly Giving

Because you often forget about your own needs, you can

become exhausted, irritated, and disappointed in others. Caretakers

strongly believe in giving in order to receive. When you want love,

caring, kindness, or consideration, your first thought is to give more

of these things to others so they will give them to you. However, you

may be so self-sufficient that you often don’t ask for consideration or

even give other people a chance to reciprocate.

With a narcissist, you eventually feel unappreciated and taken

advantage of, and the relationship becomes more and more

unbalanced. This overgiving makes you highly attractive to the

narcissist, who greatly enjoys the comfort of this imbalance.

Strong Sense of Guilt: Never Good Enough

There may be another reason you overgive in relationships—

you may feel that you aren’t good enough so you should give more.

Most caretakers expect themselves to meet extremely high

standards of goodness, which can lead to feelings of guilt for not

doing enough for others, not being kind enough, or not going the

extra mile. This makes you easy prey for the narcissist’s pattern of

blaming others. Narcissists notice your feelings of guilt and

inadequacy and use them to get what they want from you.

Fear of Anger and Disagreement

Emotional caretakers don’t like anger, disagreements, or

discord. They sometimes physically recoil from these negative

situations and may even have a loathing reaction to conflict. When

under stress, many caretakers freeze, can’t think of what to say, and

prefer to give in rather than fight. Caretakers frequently grow up in

families where there was either a lot of dysfunctional conflict or no

conflict at all, so you may not have learned effective conflict-

resolution skills. You may not know how to effectively stand up for

yourself or tolerate inharmonious environments.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, there are a lot of

conflicts. The narcissist always wants to do things his way, so you

must either give in all the time or fight for what you want. Narcissists

use your fears about conflict to coerce, control, and force you to give

them what they want. You can find it extremely hard to stand up to

such an intimidating and stubborn person.

Weak Boundaries

A boundary is a line that separates you from someone else.

Boundaries are like protective fences that guard your belongings,

rights, privacy, and even individuality. Many boundaries are set by

social convention or law, but most are set when you do things like

say no, close a door, hang up the phone, or don’t allow someone to

treat you in a particular way. Boundaries, by definition, are a way to

keep other people and their energy at a distance—even when they

don’t like it.

Setting boundaries when the other person doesn’t want the

separation can be quite a challenge for caretakers. You don’t like

being disagreeable or demanding. You also just expect others to

follow convention and respect your boundaries, without your having

to define or defend them.

When you get into a relationship with a narcissist, you’re

shocked and surprised that he doesn’t recognize or honor your

boundaries. In fact, narcissists don’t see any difference between you

and them, your feelings and theirs, your opinions and theirs, or your

property and theirs. Their blindness to boundaries makes it

imperative that you set boundaries over and over to keep your space

and identity intact. This can be extremely exhausting and painful to

do because the narcissist can be very persistent, while you are

strongly uncomfortable with disagreements, conflict, and selfishness.

You want others to be happy and agree to the boundaries you set.

So all the narcissist has to do is disagree, and he’s in control. If you

don’t feel it’s right to take action until the narcissist agrees, you’ll

always lose.

Lance tried to set limits on how much Serena spent, but she

would just open new credit card accounts and continue buying stuff.

All the closets were full, and there were piles of things Serena had

“bought on sale” that she had never even opened. Lance would pay

off the credit cards and close them, only to have Serena find other

ways to get money. He hated fighting and couldn’t figure out an

effective way to say no and have it honored.

Denial of Your Own Wants, Needs, and Feelings

Emotional caretakers are often so busy empathizing with other

people’s feelings and needs that they pay little or no attention to their

own. By the time you’re in need of emotional support, you’ve already

set a pattern with the narcissist that he can discount and invalidate

your feelings and opinions and get away with it. Narcissists already

think your feelings are annoying and interfering in their fantasy

scenario, so they work consistently to talk you out of what you feel

and want. When the narcissist says you don’t feel or want what you

just said you feel and want, you are more likely than most people to

go along with that distortion of reality and give in.

Disavowing Your Own Strengths

Humbleness can be a good quality. However, emotional

caretakers tend to take their uniquely high levels of love, empathy,

caring, cooperative spirit, and generosity for granted. This leads you

to assume that you’re average and that everyone else has the same

abilities. It can be hard for you to comprehend or even believe that

these same qualities are exceptionally low or missing for most

narcissists. This lack of appreciation for your abilities can make you

vulnerable to the devaluing that narcissists do to you in relationships.

Uncomfortable with Power

Many emotional caretakers think that being powerful is the same

thing as being mean, uncaring, and controlling. Therefore, you can

end up feeling uncomfortable and even embarrassed to exert power.

If you grew up with either a controlling, narcissistic parent or in a

home where there was always agreement, you may feel especially

guilty for wanting anything to be your way, fighting for your

autonomy, or using power to get your needs and wants met.

In reality, the power you need to embrace is the power over

yourself and your choices. This includes the power to be who you

are without apology, the power to live your life as you choose, the

power to say no and yes, and the power to be in a safe, comfortable,

and respectful environment. If you don’t use your power to protect

yourself, then the narcissist will always overwhelm you, leaving you

vulnerable to his manipulation and control.

Narcissists like that you’re so giving and easygoing. They put a

lot of pressure on you to give up taking care of yourself and focus

entirely on their wants and needs. When you focus so intently on

someone else, you can end up losing yourself.

Marcie’s mother was self-absorbed, controlling, and demanding.

So when Marcie met Matt, she didn’t even notice how much of the

time Matt was in control of everything they did. She just enjoyed his

charm, self-confidence, and prestige as a cardiac surgeon. Most of

her attention was on her beautiful home and raising the children.

After twenty years of marriage, she was shocked when Matt filed for

divorce and married his twenty-eight-year-old office assistant. Marcie

was at a loss at age forty-six to figure out what to do with the rest of

her life. She had focused entirely on Matt’s goals and choices, and

now she was horrified to have that lifestyle taken away from her. She

didn’t even know what food she preferred, who her real friends were,

or how to spend her evenings without Matt.

THE MAGNETIC ATTRACTION

Narcissists are easily attracted to people with caretaking qualities.

As with any relationship, there needs to be a blend of similarities and

differences. Ross Rosenberg, in his book The Human Magnet

Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, says that the

differences between narcissists and caretakers act as magnetic

polar opposites that attract.[2] The qualities in each are enhanced or

neutralized by the qualities in the other.

Narcissists and caretakers have many differences that pull them

together. Narcissists want someone to look after them, and

caretakers love to give and care for others. Narcissists like being in

control and getting their own way, whereas you’re more willing to

give in to what they want. Narcissists are intense, confident, and

decisive, whereas you’re more easygoing, laid back, agreeable, and

willing to let others be in charge. Narcissists are always coming up

with something new, and you’re good at transforming their ideas into

concrete reality. Narcissists are distractible and spontaneous,

whereas you’re stable and reliable. You’re extremely empathetic,

which can disguise the narcissist’s low empathy. Lastly, narcissists

feel entitled to get whatever they want, whereas you will usually

sacrifice your own wants and needs for the narcissist.

There are also some similarities connecting narcissists and

caretakers. You both carry a hidden need to be perfect and a fear of

being inadequate. However, the narcissist pretends to be perfect,

while you work tirelessly to become perfect. Narcissists don’t have

boundaries, and you find it very hard to set boundaries. Narcissists

and caretakers both dislike negativity. The narcissist, however,

blames his negativity on you, whereas you work hard to change the

narcissist into a more positive person. You are both strongly affected

by fear. Yours is the fear of conflict and guilt, whereas the narcissist’s

is the fear of shame and humiliation. And you both have a deep need

and desire to be committed, connected, and completely immersed in

a relationship with another person.

These similarities and differences work like magnets to attract

you to each other. Unfortunately, they also work to keep you from

being truly intimate. Intimacy requires two people willing and able to

be vulnerable, open, and emotionally close. You and the narcissist

may have physical and sexual closeness, trying to do everything

together, and even pretending to think and feel alike. But intimacy

requires sharing your deepest differences and weaknesses and

exposing your tender feelings. Narcissists can’t risk that level of

vulnerability, and they make it unsafe for you to risk it either. I’ll

explore this in the next chapter.

CONCLUSION

If you weren’t a caretaker before you entered this relationship, it was

inevitable that you would become one. The narcissist demands that

you respond with caretaking behaviors, or he’ll make life miserable.

Naricissists inexorably push you more and more into focusing on

them and less and less on yourself. They discount and disregard

your feelings, thoughts, and needs, while demanding your full

attention and compliance.

Being other oriented, caretakers bring high levels of empathy,

flexibility, generosity, reliability, and caring for others to their

relationships. These are wonderful traits, but they have to be

balanced with boundaries, good self-care, and the ability to stand up

for yourself. When you connected to the narcissist, your caretaking

qualities actually made you highly susceptible to being used and

taken advantage of by him. The narcissist kept you enmeshed and

controlled, filling his needs by using your kindness, loyalty, and

willingness to give in to meet his wishes. You had hoped the

charming, fun part of the narcissist that you fell in love with would

finally reappear if you were more perfect, compliant, and agreeable

—but that rarely happened.

Strangely, it appears that the more of a caretaker you became,

the more the narcissist pulled away, demanded more, and disdained

your efforts. And now, after all you’ve given and put up with, the

narcissist wants out and blames you for all of his dissatisfactions. It’s

so unfair.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

Which caretaker traits do you see in yourself?

What feelings, wants, and needs have you repressed or hidden

in this relationship?

Which caretaker traits have made you vulnerable to

manipulation by the narcissist?

How does the narcissist use your caretaker traits against you?

In what ways are you and the narcissist alike? How are you

different?

Can you put into words what magnetically attracted you to the

narcissist?

Do you act as a caretaker in any other relationships?

NOTES

1. Fjelstad, Margalis. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2013.

2. Rosenberg, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love

People Who Hurt Us. Eau Claire, WI: Premier Publishing & Media,

2013.

Chapter 3

Why Relationships with

Narcissists Are Always Doomed

“Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness

should not be in your life to begin with.”

—Isaiah Hankel, author, speaker, and Fortune 500 consultant

Your relationship with the narcissist was always doomed. The

most common ways relationships with narcissists end up are as

follows: (1) The narcissist gets bored, feels too vulnerable, doesn’t

want to act more mature and caring, or feels humiliated—and leaves.

(2) The caretaking partner gets fed up, and a final, unforgivable

behavior by the narcissist triggers the caretaker to leave. (3) The

caretaker becomes completely compliant, submissive, and

dependent, and the narcissist leaves or just ignores the caretaker

and creates a separate life. (4) Both the narcissist and the caretaker

create independent, separate lives and continue to live together.

You’ll notice that there is no scenario in which the narcissist

changes into a loving, caring partner and you both live happily ever

after. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder. It runs in families

and seems to be increasing. This means that every narcissist is

likely to have at least one primary relative with the disorder and that

he was probably reinforced and rewarded for his narcissistic

behavior growing up. By the time you meet and fall in love with the

narcissist, he has had a lifetime of being who he is. Narcissists are

no more likely to change their personalities than you are. In addition,

narcissists almost always get everything they want either by

persistence, charm, threat, or outright manipulation, so they’re

continually being rewarded to remain exactly who and what they are.

Hereditary traits and lifelong responses are not likely to change.

To make any kind of change, the narcissist first has to admit that he

has a serious problem and then put in continued, lifelong effort to act

differently despite his natural urge to be narcissistic. He would have

to learn ways to override his distorted perceptions and how to

pretend to be empathetic and control his anger responses. That still

leaves intact his belief that he is superior and his frantic need for

attention to be dealt with. You can see the complexity and hugeness

of the problem.

Should you give up hope of the narcissist’s ever making any sort

of change? What are the chances that the narcissist will “come to his

senses”? When the narcissist says he’s willing to change, can you

have any expectation that it will happen? Will marital counseling

help? How will the narcissist be as a parent after a divorce? There

are so many questions and few answers, with only vague responses

from the professionals.

WHAT IS UNLIKELY TO CHANGE

Lack of Empathy

All of the narcissist’s empathy responses are impaired because

the “empathy circuit” in his brain doesn’t function properly.[1]

Remember, narcissists can’t clearly perceive and interpret other’s

feelings, and they don’t understand or care a great deal how their

behavior affects others. If you respond with hurt or anger to

something the narcissist does, he will simply be baffled by your

feelings, discount their authenticity, and even tell you that your

feelings are wrong or stupid.

Simon Baron-Cohen shares his thirty years of research on

empathy in his book Zero Degrees of Empathy.[2] He states that

sociopaths have basically no empathy at all, and that narcissists

have a minimal ability for empathy. He goes on to say that empathy

is both a biological mechanism and a learned behavior. His research

on the empathy circuit in the brain shows that it is affected by three

things: neural circuitry that is inherited, the amount of stress or

trauma a person has experienced, and short-term physical

conditions, such as being tired, inebriated, or under pressure. Baron-

Cohen has concluded that narcissists have permanent underactivity

in their empathy circuit.

With intense training and motivation, the narcissist can learn to

respond to others more empathetically. However, it doesn’t appear to

their family members that the narcissist feels more empathetic. He

has just learned what to say and do more appropriately. In social

situations, narcissists are pretty good at appearing to be caring.

Nevertheless, in intimate relationships, where there is the greatest

potential for deep emotional connection or intense conflict, the

narcissist quickly reverts to self-centered reactions.

Merging

You can tell a narcissist that you feel different or you want

something different than he does, but the narcissist rarely believes

you. He just thinks that you are wrong, being stubborn, or mentally

ill. Narcissists are convinced that you share their feelings, and they

believe they’re right, despite facts or information to the contrary.

When you say you don’t agree, the narcissist just thinks you are

being obstinate. Since logical arguments seem to have no effect on

the narcissist, the possibility for change in the narcissist is minimal.

Defensiveness and Self-Protection

You need to keep in mind that most narcissists see the world

and other people as dangerous and out to expose and harm their

vulnerable and hidden imperfections. That is why the False Self they

portray to the world is so strong and, they hope, impenetrable.

Threats of exposure of their inadequacies, deficiencies, flaws, or

weaknesses will typically be met with blame, attack, criticism,

denunciation, and projection of those flaws onto you. Having their

vulnerabilities and imperfections exposed is devastating to their

egos. This fear is so deeply rooted that it is nearly impossible to

transform.

Lack of Caring

Narcissists can’t seem to figure out what you feel, so they don’t

respond with much caring. Here’s an example to show you how a

narcissist perceives the world. Imagine that you are looking at a

chair. What is the chair thinking? What is the chair feeling? What

does the chair want? How would you treat a chair fairly? Sounds

impossible to figure out, doesn’t it? Since you assume that chairs

don’t have thoughts or feelings, you would never wonder about those

questions.

You’re the chair to the narcissist. See the problem? The

narcissist doesn’t see your feelings any better than you can see

feelings in a chair. So he doesn’t wonder about what you feel or want

unless your reactions become a threat to what he wants. The rest of

the time, the narcissist is mostly just thinking How can I get what I

want and keep this person from leaving?

Unwilling to Share

Narcissists don’t share. They think everything belongs to them.

They’re surprised that you would get upset when they take what they

want. It appears that narcissists think that allowing you to be around

them is sharing enough. They don’t share their deepest feelings and

true inner thoughts either, so intimacy doesn’t naturally develop.

Attempts to reach these inner feelings are usually met with

stonewalling, avoidance, and outright anger and defensiveness.

Narcissists Don’t Seek Help

Narcissists could have a chance to learn better ways to interact

in relationships, but they are the least likely group to seek help.

Narcissists rarely go into therapy. They keep their False Self intact

by buying wholeheartedly into the fantasy that everyone else has a

problem but they are perfectly fine. The rest of their family members

may all be on medication or in therapy because of the narcissist’s

behaviors, but getting the narcissist into therapy is nearly impossible.

Narcissists who grudgingly agree to go to therapy usually leave after

a session or two or have an agenda to prove to the therapist that

you’re the crazy person. Unfortunately, they’re frequently convincing,

since many therapists without training in personality disorders can be

charmed and tricked by the narcissist’s confidence and self-

assurance. Working with personality disorders is a highly specialized

field, and most therapists have little or no training to work effectively

with narcissists nor the understanding or awareness to identify the

disorder.

If the narcissist finally does go to therapy with you and the

therapist is knowledgeable, the likely progression will be as follows:

Session one, the narcissist does everything possible to

charm the therapist and paint you as irrational and hostile. You

become angry and defensive.

Session two, the narcissist becomes argumentative and

pouting. You become stronger and start exposing some of the

more hidden behaviors of the narcissist, such as sexual affairs,

misuse of money, hostile words and behaviors, or even physical

abuse.

Session three, the narcissist doesn’t show up or explodes in

anger in the session and walks out, never to return.

Narcissism is a deeply embedded personality configuration that

is tenacious and persistent and not easily amenable to change.

NARCISSIST/CARETAKER RELATIONSHIP

PATTERNS

It is also hard to change the interaction patterns that develop

between narcissists and caretakers. Narcissists don’t understand

caretakers, but neither do caretakers understand narcissists. As a

highly empathetic caretaker, it’s hard for you to even imagine what it

would feel like not to be automatically compassionate, sympathetic,

or considerate. Half of the time narcissists have no idea what you’re

talking about when you mention caring, trust, partnership, or

intimacy. As you can see by now, these words mean entirely different

things to the narcissist than to you. These basic miscommunications

are nearly impossible to overcome because they are deeply

embedded and hardwired in each of you.

When you try to talk about things, your words seem to indicate

the same goals and needs, and you think that progress is being

made. However, you and the narcissist mean entirely different things

using the same words, and your internal emotional reactions are

quite different. Narcissists and caretakers can get into destructive

patterns that reinforce each other’s worst traits.

Pursuing and Distancing

Caretakers are pursuers, and narcissists are distancers. The

more you reach out to the narcissist and ask him to share feelings,

talk about the relationship, or discuss your differences, the more the

narcissist backs away and gets defensive. The narcissist came on so

strong at the beginning of the relationship that you got the

impression he truly wanted to be close and intimate. Narcissists

press hard for a quick commitment at the beginning of a relationship

to seal the deal. Then they can relax without fear of abandonment

and be themselves—totally self-absorbed and self-focused.

Narcissists will give you just enough attention and cooperation to

keep the relationship in place. When you ask for more than that

minimal amount, they’ll get angry or withdraw.

On the other hand, caretakers thrive on giving, sharing, and

communicating about everything. When you sense moodiness in the

narcissist, you immediately want to talk about it, fix it, and make your

partner happy again. It’s mystifying to you why the narcissist would

get angry about that. His anger makes you want to talk things

through even more and get things back on track, whereas the

narcissist just wants to bury it and move on. Narcissists think all that

talking is your way of trying to change them, and they know they

don’t want to change. They’re already doing things the way they

want to.

Fight, Flight, and Freeze

Most of us know about the fight or flight response, but there is

another response that is part of that pattern—it’s freeze.[3]

Narcissists prefer to flee when they feel danger, but if cornered

they’ll fight. Caretakers more often freeze. That puts you at a huge

disadvantage when dealing with a narcissist. When you freeze, your

whole body and brain start shutting down. Your heart rate falls, your

ability to think diminishes, and your breathing nearly stops. In the

meantime, the narcissist is either out the door or verbally berating

you. Fight, flight, and freeze are all fear responses, which are

biologically based and designed to deal with attacking lions or

natural disasters. When both parties have high levels of fear and

anxiety, these automatic reactions can make it difficult to solve

differences in intimate relationships. Adrenaline gets activated, and

the ability to think and problem solve goes out the window.

To solve relationship problems, human beings need to feel safe,

secure, and confident in the other person’s love and commitment.

They also need a sense of ease, trust, and understanding. The

automatic fear reactions that you and the narcissist trigger in each

other illustrate a core fact of the narcissist/caretaker relationship:

There is not enough trust and belief in the strength of the intimate

bond to directly and fearlessly confront and overcome differences.

Somewhere, deep down, you both know this relationship works only

one way—the way the narcissist wants it to work.

Parent and Child—Superior/Inferior

Narcissists always think and behave in a one-up and one-down

pattern in their interactions with you. They need to be superior and

right about everything. They also find most mundane chores beneath

them or too much of a bother, so they expect you to do them and

treat you like an underling. Narcissists want to put their energy into

doing only the things they like to do. You end up taking up the slack,

whether it’s doing all the cooking, cleaning, family scheduling, or

getting children to their activities. As the caretaker, you come to feel

like the parent because the narcissist acts like a child who needs lots

of caring and monitoring. The narcissist believes he’s the boss and

you’re the subordinate, whereas you think of him as an obstinate

child.

You both end up feeling superior and inferior at the same time.

Instead of a team that works together for the benefit of all, you end

up being in competition for who does the most work, who brings in

the most money, who is irresponsible or selfish. Obviously, this works

to create a rivalry rather than a partnership. It doesn’t take long for

this rivalry to spawn resentment that makes it nearly impossible to

cooperate.

Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer

The contentiousness in your relationship with the narcissist

creates what is known as the “drama triangle,” each of you

alternately playing the persecutor, victim, or rescuer.[4] It goes like

this: The narcissist acts as the persecutor when he blames you. You

see this as unfair and feel like a victim. This goes on for a while, until

you turn the tables and start blaming him, thus becoming the

persecutor. The narcissist then becomes the victim. Or instead, you

try to please and appease the narcissist by being the rescuer. In the

rescuer role you try to get the narcissist to see things logically, or you

make attempts to get the narcissist to change and act more caring

and agreeable. This can quickly deteriorate into you demanding and

persecuting and the narcissist feeling like a victim again. Narcissists

hate that feeling, so they’ll return to persecuting and push you back

into being the victim. For a more in-depth description of this

relationship dynamic, see chapter 2 in my book Stop Caretaking the

Borderline or Narcissist.[5] Here is an example:

Jim: “What do you mean there isn’t enough money in the

account? I told you I was going to buy those new golf clubs

today.” (Persecutor)

Cayley: “I’m so sorry, but it’s not my fault that the washing

machine broke down, and then I had to get the kids’ school

supplies.” (Victim)

Jim: “You don’t need to do all that right now. I need to get these

clubs for the game on Saturday. The kids’ stuff can wait, and

you have plenty of clothes. The washer didn’t need fixing until

next month.” (Persecutor)

Cayley: “The kids start school this week. What was I supposed

to do?” (Victim) “You’re just being selfish. What’s wrong with

you?” (Persecutor)

Jim: “Don’t I have any rights around here? Everyone gets what

they want, and nobody cares how I feel about anything.” (Victim)

Cayley: “Of course I care about you. I do everything you ask.

I’ve been saving some money for a winter coat. I guess you

could have that, but I just wish you would deal with this calmly

instead of blowing up.” (Victim, Rescuer, and then mild

Persecutor)

Jim: “What? You were hiding that money from me? You’re really

a greedy bitch.” (Persecutor)

Cayley: “Don’t talk to me like that. You’re really being mean. I

just offered to help.” (Rescuer) “You never appreciate anything I

do.” (Persecutor)

This pattern can go on and on, because there are only these

three rather distasteful and ineffective roles to choose from. It

becomes even more destructive when either one of you pulls in a

child to play the third role.

As long as you are both involved in this triangular interaction,

your relationship will always be in conflict and end in a standoff.

However, every time you try to move out of this rigid pattern, the

narcissist will do everything possible to pull you back in, because this

is the only communication model that fits the narcissist’s

superior/inferior construct. It may also be extremely hard for you to

“give up” the game, because it feels like the narcissist is “winning.”

CARETAKER EXPECTATIONS THAT NARCISSISTS

CAN’T MEET

Reciprocity

It’s normal to have expectations for what you want in a

relationship. You expect to do certain things for the other person,

and you want him to do things that please, help, and support you.

This is called reciprocity. This exchange is normal, and all ongoing

relationships rely on this exchange of physical and emotional

assistance. Everyone has his or her own unique hopes, dreams, and

assumptions about how the relationship will develop.

Relationships between narcissists and caretakers have some

significant imbalances in these expectations. Narcissists are almost

entirely focused on what they will get out of the relationship, and

caretakers are too focused on what they will give. Even so, the few

things that you want, hope, and expect will always seem too difficult

and burdensome to a narcissist.

Emotional Support

Caretakers commonly say they want a partner who will give

emotional support. Caretakers often don’t need a lot of support

because they get such good feelings from giving to others, but they

definitely need love, caring, thoughtfulness, validation, and

reassurance—at least sometimes. Unfortunately, when they need

support is typically the time the narcissist flees or wants to be given

support—again.

Since narcissists are so self-absorbed, their support is rather

random. However, random reinforcement is extremely powerful (for

example, think of slot machine payouts). It eventually becomes

difficult for caretakers to leave even when so little is gained because

the next big payout may be just around the corner.

A client of mine said she felt that she got little support from her

husband and was always asking for affection and consideration. She

stayed in the relationship and kept surviving on his small tokens of

caring until she ran across his will one day. As she read it, she saw

that he had cut her out entirely—leaving the house, car, and all his

savings to his daughter from his former marriage. If he died, she

would be destitute. That was the last straw, but the signs had been

there for years. She had tried to pretend that he loved her, but being

left impoverished was the insult that she could see clearly.

Partnership

Most people today want a marriage that has a sense of

teamwork or partnership. This requires that both parties identify their

strengths and weaknesses and step in to help each other to

accomplish their goals. Healthy relationships are built on this mutual

assistance, which helps the entire family reach their common goals.

Narcissists, however, believe they are working alone to reach

their goals. When a relationship ends, this egocentrism is more

visible. You may have thought you were working together, but during

a divorce you hear things such as “All you did was take care of the

kids; I made all the money. Why should I just give it to you?” or “You

need to move out, now. This house is mine,” or “You better pay up

big time for all the hurt and selfishness I had to put up with.” You

become the enemy. There is, and never was, any real sense of

partnership other than in your fantasies.

Acceptance

When you met the narcissist, you felt completely accepted and

adored. Once you became fully devoted and committed to the

relationship, however, that feeling dwindled. The narcissist always

wants and expects more, continually demanding that you prove

you’re good enough, caring, or thoughtful enough to be considered

satisfactory. It’s nearly impossible to feel true approval and

acceptance. Without a reliable sense of acceptance, it’s impossible

for you to feel trusting and secure.

Intimacy

The thing caretakers say they want most from their partners is

emotional intimacy. This usually refers to a feeling of exclusive

closeness, deep knowledge and information about each other,

special shared experiences, secret confidences, and sexual fidelity.

Narcissists have a hard time doing any of these things exclusively

and consistently. You think you’re hearing special confidences, but

many times things they tell you aren’t even true because narcissists

frequently lie or embellish their experiences and accomplishments to

impress others.

I’ve had clients who found out years later that their spouses had

been previously married and had children, or didn’t finish their

college degrees, or were never in the military, or had had affairs for

over a decade. These are shocking revelations that can destroy any

sense of trust and intimate closeness you may have thought you

had.

For narcissists, intimacy primarily means sex. Sex fulfills their

notion of closeness, without having to reveal anything about their

vulnerabilities, inadequacies, faults, or mistakes. They feel

reassured, without being emotionally exposed, and they often use

sex to keep their partners securely attached.

What Does This Mean?

You have a right to expect your primary love relationship to fulfill

basic emotional needs. Narcissists are great at telling you all the

things they’ll do for you when the relationship begins, but they just

aren’t able to meet anyone else’s ongoing needs for any length of

time. They find it challenging to consistently pay attention to any one

person. They have just too many things about themselves that they

have to think about. The narcissist’s inability to meet your

expectations is surely disappointing. You may occasionally get some

of what you want, but it’s not consistent and is often given

grudgingly. So you’re often disappointed and confused.

NARCISSIST’S EXPECTATIONS THAT CAN’T BE

MET

Constant Attention

Narcissists love being in relationships because it gives them a

24/7 audience. You’re expected to be available any time, day or

night, give them all your attention, and not be distracted anywhere

else—whether it is time spent at work, on the phone with your family,

or even attending to your children’s needs. The narcissist always

wants to come first, be able to tap into your energy, and be noticed

by you at any moment. He will barge in when the door is closed,

follow you around the house, and ask you to fix things or handle a

problem he has, always assuming you’re available.

Even if you oblige and give all of your free time to the narcissist,

he will typically not be satisfied. He may try to cut you off from your

family and friends, convince you to work from home, or quit work

altogether so you can be with him. Despite all that you give, the

narcissist will still accuse you of being selfish and disloyal and not

loving enough.

Adoration

Narcissists require total acceptance, recognition, approval, and

agreement for everything they do, think, say, or want. They expect

you to join their fantasy of being the greatest, most important, most

knowledgeable, and most wonderful and perfect person of all time.

The moment you no longer believe this fantasy, the narcissist will

sense you pulling back and will go into overdrive to convince you to

rejoin the illusion. If you can’t regain your old enthusiasm, the

narcissist moves into full harassment, criticism, and condemnation of

your inadequacies, disloyalty, and selfishness.

Narcissists cannot live without this adoration. Unfortunately, no

one can give them all the glorification and devotion they feel they

deserve. So they are always on the lookout for more admiration by

giving to their community, neighbors, or social groups, while ignoring

the needs of their own family; quitting the job that supports the family

to take off for a two-month cross-country bike ride, including blogs to

admiring friends; having an affair; or spending evenings socializing

with friends and ignoring you. These behaviors give the narcissist

the admiration he craves while also punishing you for having needs

and not giving him all that he wants.

Excitement

Narcissists are always looking for something new and exciting.

One of my clients said that her husband had filled their garage with

so many different types of sports equipment that they couldn’t park

their car in the garage. He had been completely enthusiastic about

biking, skiing, tennis, and weight lifting, and he bought every piece of

equipment and clothing for each sport. However, his interest in each

had lasted less than six months before he moved on to something

else. Narcissists often move from job to job, friend to friend, or

relationship to relationship, always looking for the next big thing.

The narcissist also moves on to escape others from finding out

that he isn’t as advertised. Narcissists cancel activities with friends

when they find something more “fun” to do. They “forget” their

promises and commitments. They get easily insulted and feel

rejected when others aren’t instantly ready and excited to do what

they want to do. They lose jobs when they don’t follow through. Their

quest for the new, the better, and the more exciting is a way of

avoiding commitments, responsibilities, and imminent rejection.

Keeping Up the Façade

The narcissist expects you to keep the secret of his hidden,

negative self. He may not ask you directly to keep his lapses and

acting-out behaviors confidential, but it’s implied or embedded in the

narcissist’s rule of “privacy.” He says, “This is just between us. This

is not something your family needs to know about,” or he gives you

that look, which says “This is not to be shared with others.” This

secret keeping cuts you off from the support of friends and family by

involving you in a collusion about your relationship that ultimately

makes it hard for you to be open and honest about your own life and

emotional distress.

Any exposure on your part is treated as an enormous breach to

the relationship. One client shared her hurt and disappointment

about her marriage in an e-mail to John, an old high school boyfriend

whom she hadn’t seen in years. She wasn’t allowed by the narcissist

to talk with her family and friends about “personal” things. She had

no romantic feelings for John but needed someone to help her

understand her confusion and worry. When her narcissistic husband

found out, he accused her of infidelity and filed for divorce. Sharing

his inadequacies was an enormous betrayal to him.

Total Control

Narcissists want total control of everything that goes on in the

relationship. He may expect to be in control of the money, the style

and location of the house, and the type of discipline used with the

children. He wants control over how you dress, what you eat, how

much you exercise, how often you see your family, who your friends

are, and where you vacation. Life is all about saving face and fear of

exposure for the narcissist.

What Does This Mean?

The narcissist’s expectations are so extreme and excessive that

literally no one can ever hope to meet them. In addition, narcissists

never seem to feel satisfied, no matter how much others do for them.

They look for people with caretaking traits because they know

caretakers will try the hardest to meet their expectations. These

relationships last longer than other pairings for narcissists because

caretakers are more willing to keep trying to meet their demands and

expectations. Caretakers keep hoping that if they do everything right,

narcissists will eventually keep their promises, but that never

happens for long.

CONCLUSION

The information in these first three chapters is meant to show you

why this relationship has not worked out the way you thought,

hoped, and dreamed it would. It probably confirms what you feel, but

may not have seen clearly, and clarifies why this relationship has

been so complicated, mystifying, disappointing, and frustrating.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What behaviors in the narcissist have you been hoping will change?

How much change in these behaviors have you seen over the

course of your relationship?

What patterns between you and the narcissist have you been

caught up in?

What part have you played in keeping these patterns going?

Which role do you most often take: victim, rescuer, or

persecutor?

Make a list of the expectations you most want from an intimate

relationship. Which of these did the narcissist fulfill?

What impossible demands has the narcissist made on you?

What do you think is likely to happen next in this relationship?

NOTES

1. Baron-Cohen, Simon. Zero Degrees of Empathy. New York, NY:

Penguin Group, 2011.

2. Ibid.

3. Porges, Stephen. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological

Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-

Regulation. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 2011.

4. Karpman, Stephen. “The New Drama Triangles.” Paper presented

at USA Transactional Analysis Association/International

Transactional Analysis Association Conference, August 11, 2007.

5. Fjelstad, Margalis. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2013.

How Could This Be Over?

Chapter 4

The End Game

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”

—Lau Tzu

You are probably reading this book because your relationship

with a narcissist is ending or has ended. This chapter looks at how

these relationships end. Narcissists typically end the relationship,

whereas caretakers are more likely to keep trying to make things

work. You’re more likely to keep hoping that things will improve. And

you’re the one more likely to seek out therapy to work on the

relationship—even without the narcissist.

The question of why narcissists act the way they do was

covered in the first three chapters. Now the questions are why does

the narcissist want to end this relationship and should I agree to

ending things? This chapter addresses these two questions.

WHY NARCISSISTS END RELATIONSHIPS

Narcissists end relationships for numerous reasons—boredom, not

getting their insatiable needs met, someone or something else pulls

their attention away, they want to be in romance again, they think

you are causing their discontent, they don’t like being responsible to

you or for you, they want a new adventure, or they just want to start

over. Deeper, more psychological reasons include that you know too

much about their shortcomings, they feel inferior and inadequate

around you, they’re depressed and want to be admired and seen as

perfect again, or they’re just feeling old.

It’s Not About You

You may notice that none of these reasons have much to do

with you. They all have to do with how the narcissist interprets and

reacts to his own feelings. Narcissists can’t stand feeling anxious,

fearful, despondent, or depressed. They become quickly desperate

to feel better. Common reactions narcissists have when things aren’t

going well for them include getting angry, spending money, having

more sex, getting overinvolved in a new project, or if all else fails,

making a dramatic turnaround change in their own lives, such as

changing jobs, moving, getting a divorce, having an affair, or

changing their religion. If the narcissist is desperate to feel better, he

may do all of these things at the same time.

It’s Not Your Fault How the Narcissist Feels

Spending a lot of time trying to figure out what you did to make

the narcissist pull away or end the relationship is not productive

because it is extremely unlikely that you did anything out of the

ordinary. Narcissists definitely like to blame you—and others—for

things not going the way they want. It’s important to remember that

you don’t actually make the narcissist feel or do anything. The

narcissist may feel uncomfortable, dissatisfied, unhappy, and so on,

but these feelings are inside of him and not under your direct control.

The way you do things, say things, feel, or react may be perfectly

acceptable or even delightful to someone else. The narcissist just

sees you and the world from a skewed perspective. Narcissists have

a delusional belief that their feelings are caused by the things that

happen to them and the people around them.

The total change in the narcissist’s demeanor, attitudes, and

behaviors toward you since the breakup can be heartbreaking. How

could anyone change so quickly and so completely? You went from

being the closest of confidants to being the enemy for “no apparent

reason.” You may be trying to figure out what “caused” this change,

but it is hard to put your finger on anything that you did that would be

so awful or horrible. And you’re right. You didn’t do anything terrible.

This change in your standing with the narcissist is completely within

the mind-set of the narcissist. He may blame you for various and

sundry missteps, but any healthy, loving person would be willing to

work out these differences.

The narcissist latches on to anything to use as an excuse to

“explain” his decision to reject and abandon you. Often, what the

narcissist says is the problem is not the real reason.

Years ago one narcissistic client said she wanted to end her

marriage because her husband was “uncouth.” When I asked her

how he was uncouth, she explained that he consistently went to

important social functions with his shoes and belt not matching. As

we kept talking I found out that her husband wanted his sixteen-year-

old son to move in with them, which she was actually furious about

but didn’t want him to know because she would look bad.

Another narcissistic client was enraged and wanted out of the

marriage because he felt his new four-year-old stepdaughter was

disrespectful to him when she wouldn’t clean her room. What he

actually didn’t like was that his wife gave the daughter more attention

than she gave him.

In fact, events that happen are only one of several components

that affect how we feel. Our interpretations, support system, and

resources are also powerful factors. Narcissists are highly biased

and skewed in their thinking, so they consistently and mistakenly

interpret negative feelings as caused by outside events and other

people. Narcissists also have a limited support system made up of

one or two friends chosen to exactly reflect their views and thoughts.

Therefore, these friends can’t offer meaningful help or insight in

difficult situations. The only resources that narcissists value and can

count on are money and freedom. This leads them to consider

divorce more easily. Many narcissists believe that divorce represents

total freedom and complete control of all the money and all the

decisions.

You Can’t Fix Them

As a caretaker, you flew to make things better for the narcissist,

even if you had to take the blame for something you didn’t do. You

may have tried to smooth things over, change how and what you

said, and meet more of the narcissist’s expectations. However, in the

long run the narcissist always does what he wants to do. You can’t

change or control him. Trying to explain and get him to understand

how you feel or to follow your suggestions leads to a lot of

disappointment. Narcissists can’t understand or relate to your

feelings, and their interpretation of events will hardly ever match

yours. Your words don’t make sense to them. They may try to

understand or pretend to understand, but in the long run you are

talking two different languages. When it comes to understanding

your feelings or motivations, the narcissist is blind and deaf.

WHEN NARCISSISTS LEAVE

When the relationship is at an end for the narcissist, it may come

suddenly or may be long and drawn out. In either case, the narcissist

has been stewing and probably discontented for some time without

your ever knowing it. For narcissists, relationships always feel like an

inner conflict and tension between freedom and abandonment,

control and acquiescence, loneliness and suffocation. Their primary

commitment is to their own survival, comfort, and safety.

Essentially, the narcissist will give just enough of whatever it is

that you absolutely need to keep you in the relationship while also

allowing him a satisfactory level of control, dominance, and freedom.

That can be a tricky balance, and it can change from hour to hour

and day to day. Whenever you try to make the relationship more to

your liking, the narcissist will inevitably resist. However, he can

sense that if he pulls too far away or gets too hostile or domineering,

you may get upset enough to leave.

In actuality, the relationship between most caretakers and

narcissists is not ideal for either of you. The narcissist wants a

partner who is submissive and yet independent emotionally—an

impossible ideal. Caretakers consistently say they want a

relationship that is cooperative, accepting, and emotionally intimate

and feels safe and comfortable. It is highly doubtful that the

narcissist has met those criteria more than briefly after the first few

days or months of the relationship.

Even so, relationships between narcissists and caretakers can

sometimes last for years if a certain balance is found. Most

relationships with narcissists, however, are fairly brief. Relationships

are not static. Both parties change over the years, and narcissists

don’t deal well with changes that are out of their control. Children are

born, both partners get older, jobs and roles change, interests

evolve, willingness to tolerate disagreeable behaviors declines, and

interest in particular friends and activities fades and changes. Each

of these changes requires a rebalancing of the relationship, which is

likely to cause conflict. Conflict with a narcissist requires the partner

to give in or stand one’s ground and suffer the consequences of his

anger and hostility and at least temporary denunciation. Either party

can get fed up with this pattern. As the pursuer, caretakers are more

likely to want to “work things out,” whereas the narcissist, being the

distancer, is more inclined to leave.

Any significant change in you can also spell the end of the

relationship. Some examples that clients have shared with me over

the years include getting a long-term illness, such as fibromyalgia,

cancer, depression, or increasing loss of eyesight or hearing;

personal achievements, such as graduating from college, starting a

new business or getting an award; entering the workforce; or

changing your fight style, such as setting boundaries, speaking up

more effectively about what you want, or refusing to be intimidated.

Changes in the narcissist’s life can also lead to the end of the

relationship. Examples include the narcissist’s most hated or loved

parent dies, severe illness or injury in which the narcissist can’t

function for a period of time, a midlife crisis, the narcissist’s fear of

getting old, a significant job promotion or demotion, or a huge weight

loss or weight gain.

In healthy relationships life changes can be a challenge, but

they tend to strengthen the relationship. Narcissists frequently see

such changes as nullifying the underlying relationship commitment

and agreement. This provides an opening for him to exit rather than

contend with the difficulties of readjustment and growth.

Marjorie and Clay did pretty well in the first ten years of their

relationship. Clay had a high-paying job in pharmaceutical sales. He

thrived on hobnobbing with the medical doctors, going on trips paid

for by his employer, having a million-dollar home, and generally

feeling important and successful. Marjorie enjoyed her job as a

teacher and spent a lot of time with their two children.

When the industry changed, Clay no longer got all those perks.

His territory enlarged, but his commissions went down. Eventually he

was laid off, replaced by computer-generated sales. He collapsed

into a depression that lasted three years. They lost their house and

had to rely entirely on Marjorie’s teaching salary. Although they were

getting by, Clay couldn’t overcome the humiliation. He had to take a

low-paying sales job. He met a young woman at work, and his affair

with her pulled him out of his depression. It also demolished his

marriage and family. Marjorie wanted to keep working on their life

together, but Clay was off in a new direction and never looked back.

Narcissists find it hard to be without a relationship at all, so the

timing or reason for their leaving is often based on their opportunity

to move into another relationship quickly. Many narcissists already

have a new partner picked out or have already started an affair

before they leave. They literally can’t stand to be out of enmeshment

with someone for long.

HOW NARCISSISTS LEAVE: YOU HAVE TO BE THE

BAD GUY

Push Away/Pull Back

Sometimes the relationship with a narcissist will end suddenly,

with an entire cutoff. However, it is more likely that the narcissist will

leave, then want to come back, reconnect, and reject you again—

maybe several times. He says he never wants to hear from you

again, but then he calls or sends e-mail messages that are infuriating

and meant to reengage you. He wants a divorce but then agrees to

go to therapy, which gives you hope. Then he quits therapy or

doesn’t show up. You never know where you stand.

If you don’t want the relationship to end, these tactics keep you

on edge—hopeful and yet frustrated. You feel pushed away,

rejected, and disregarded, and then your hope is revived when he

seems to be changing. However, if you don’t come running back,

he’ll try to reengage you with unfair put-downs, false accusations,

and biased remarks to others, which you probably feel you have to

defend. Defensiveness and anger can keep you tied into the

relationship even though nothing is improving.

This push away/pull back keeps you off balance and continually

hoping for reconciliation. It can waste days, months, and even years

of your life. Waiting for the narcissist to decide the fate of your

relationship puts all the control in his hands. This is what narcissists

prefer. They want to keep you around while they decide for sure

what works the best for them or until they find a new partner. It is

important for you to start making decisions about what you want to

do.

They Try to Make You Leave First

Narcissists always want to be seen as blameless when their

relationships end. One way to do this is to try to make you leave

them. They go through a phase of devaluing you and putting you

down. They make spiteful, cutting, and wounding comments. They

blatantly don’t keep their commitments—passively-aggressively

“forgetting” or just rudely ignoring you. They refuse to tell you where

they’re going and who they’re with. They say or do bizarre things

while acting as if what they are doing is perfectly normal and

appropriate. They accuse you of thoughts and behaviors that are not

true, which leaves you feeling like you’re the crazy one. This keeps

them feeling righteous, and it keeps you furious and still engaged.

They Make Choices They Know You Will Reject

Another way the narcissist makes you the bad guy is to make a

life choice that he knows you will reject. Some examples include a

choice to move to another country, accepting a job that pays half of

his current salary, or buying a house in another state without

consulting you. When you get upset with these choices, you’re

accused of being unsupportive. If you agree to go along with these

choices, he still isn’t satisfied and may even increase his devaluing

and criticisms of you, because he really just wanted you to leave.

More desperate attempts to push you out of the relationship can

include bizarre and aggressive behaviors, such as getting another

woman pregnant, moving a lover into the house you share, leaving

on vacation alone and not returning, or selling a business and

gambling the money away.

Sudden Trigger Event

Sometimes a triggering event will motivate the narcissist to

leave. These are usually life-altering events for one of you. If you

become ill or incapacitated or unable or unwilling to participate in the

life the narcissist has designed, that may prompt the narcissist to

leave. Even a positive event, such as having a child, can upset the

delicate balance of the relationship, especially if it requires the

narcissist to be more responsible and emotionally involved.

Illnesses, aging, and job losses or promotions can act as triggers for

the narcissist to suddenly abandon the relationship.

Blame

When things don’t work out, the narcissist puts the blame

entirely on someone else. You were on a pedestal at the beginning

of the relationship. You were wonderful and perfect, and the

narcissist was thrilled to have “won” you as a mate. Now that the

narcissist sees the relationship as broken, damaged, and ending,

now it’s all your fault. He says you’re too fat or too needy or too

happy. You have wrecked things, destroyed the trust, ruined the best

thing you ever had, crushed his love. You’re unappreciative of all he

has done for you. You would be nothing without him. You have

single-handedly destroyed all the two of you have built. You’re selfish

and demanding. Overnight you have become the most despised

person in the narcissist’s life.

Obviously that is shocking, hurtful, insulting, and thoroughly

unfair and wrong. When the narcissist reaches this point, he will no

longer listen to you or give you any consideration and may no longer

be willing to even speak to you. If you apologize profusely enough

and beg for reconciliation, you may get back together for a while, but

things between you will probably never be good again.

WHY IT’S HARD TO LEAVE A NARCISSIST

Your super loyalty, compassion, and desire to be true to your

promises make it hard for you to consider leaving the relationship.

The narcissist can also make it hard for you to leave because he

wants to be in control of the decision to end the relationship. As long

as keeping the relationship is the most important factor to you, the

narcissist has free rein to dominate you and your decisions.

Caretakers are most likely to leave when the narcissist crosses

a line that they finally can’t or won’t tolerate. But over the years, I

have found it hard to predict when a caretaker will leave. The client

whose narcissistic husband suffered a stroke and became physically

abusive didn’t leave. However, the client whose husband moved his

pregnant girlfriend into the spare bedroom, saying she was an old

friend from college down on her luck, did file for divorce. Caretaking

men seem less likely to leave than women, perhaps because of the

extra burden of responsibility that men culturally feel to take care of

women.

When caretakers do leave, they find it is difficult to stick with

their decision due to feelings of guilt or pity for the narcissist. And if

the narcissist doesn’t want you to leave, he’ll keep pressuring you to

change your mind, often with those same old promises to change.

The narcissist can make your life extremely arduous, to keep control

of you and the relationship.

You’ve Made a Mistake

After years of being told you are wrong and having your

decisions devalued by the narcissist, you are probably prone to

second-guessing yourself. And the narcissist will certainly try to

convince you that you’ve made a mistake. He tries charisma,

coaxing, persuasion, and then intimidation, goading, and outright

provocation to get back in control of the relationship.

The narcissist will say “You just misinterpreted what I said. Of

course, you should know that deep down I love you; why do I have to

say it all the time? What about all the good times we’ve had

together? You look at the negative too much. You don’t understand

the stress I’ve been under lately. You take things too personally.

You’re overreacting. You’re too emotional.”

Although the narcissist tries to sound positive about the

relationship and why you shouldn’t leave, you’ll notice that all these

“reasons” are actually negative remarks about you and what is

wrong with what you’re doing. These are not real encouragements to

stay in the relationship; they are actually manipulations to lower your

self-esteem so you won’t leave.

If the coaxing and persuasion don’t work, the narcissist can

bring out the especially negative evaluations to trigger your sore

spots and make you feel bad about yourself: “You were nothing

before you married me. Go back to that stupid family of yours and

rot. You’ll be sorry when I’m out in California and making loads of

money. I can find somebody who will really love me and always put

me first.”

If the narcissist still needs you, he won’t want you upsetting his

plans. Your leaving gives you more emotional strength and power in

the relationship by moving you further out of the narcissist’s control,

and he doesn’t want that to happen.

Guilt

Guilt is a powerful tool for the narcissist to use to pull you back

into the relationship. The narcissist brings up every time he has done

something nice for you, or stresses how much he cares about you,

or reminds you of the wonderful times you’ve had together. If the

positives don’t work to bring you back, narcissists default to their

devaluing attacks. Any complaint you have made about the

narcissist will be returned and blamed on you. Narcissists

consistently blame their partners for behaviors they are actually

doing in that very moment, such as screaming, name-calling,

hostility, selfishness, hatred, and passive-aggressiveness.

Being told you are selfish, unkind, cruel, greedy, stingy, or

hurting someone’s feelings can be especially painful to a caretaker.

You work so hard to never do those behaviors and almost never

even have those kinds of feelings, so you feel so wronged. These

comments are such a clear indication that the narcissist doesn’t

know you or see you for who you are, and that can be heartbreaking.

These kinds of accusations also increase your feelings of guilt,

so you’re more likely to redouble your efforts to prove to the

narcissist that you’re not that kind of person. That’s just what the

narcissist wants because it reengages you in the relationship. Once

the narcissist has you back interacting, he can keep you feeling

powerless, guilty, and participating in the relationship until he’s ready

to end it.

Demands for Attention

It is easier to leave a narcissist if you cut off as much contact as

possible. However, narcissists can be extremely persistent in

grabbing your attention. Clients have reported many types of

attention-getting behaviors from narcissists who feel rejected, for

example: drunk calling in the middle of the night, “accidentally”

breaking into your house to get their belongings, hundreds of texts or

e-mail messages in a day, constant pleas for you to “explain” why

you want to leave—all of which lead to the narcissist’s denouncing

you for being so negative.

If you have children together, these pleas for attention can go on

and on. One client was so anxious from all of this pressure that she

actually lost her voice when she saw her former husband. He was so

determined to get her attention that he even pressured the court to

“order” her to speak to him in public “for the sake of the children.”

Actually, of course, it was for the sake of his own egotistical need to

be acknowledged.

Promises to Change

If persuasion, guilt, and attention-getting behaviors don’t pull

you back into the relationship, the narcissist pulls out the “promise”

to change. Suddenly the narcissist says he understands why you are

upset and ready to leave. He appears to be taking responsibility for

his behaviors. He promises to go to therapy, do everything you ask,

do things your way. He is so, so sorry to have hurt you.

This is a tempting appeal for a caretaker who truly wants the

relationship to work. Now it seems that the narcissist finally

understands what you’ve been saying and is ready to make things

right. He seems genuinely sincere. You breathe a sigh of relief and

hope builds in you again.

Inevitably this hope disintegrates. Narcissists can’t stop trying to

control you, and they can’t seem to control their own behaviors for

any length of time. For a while, you think things are getting better.

However, when the narcissist gets comfortable in the relationship

again, he’ll go back to being self-absorbed, inconsiderate, arrogant,

insensitive, and blaming. And, of course, if things don’t go his way,

he’s instantly back to the same defensive and antagonistic patterns.

How many times you are willing to believe the narcissist’s false

promises is up to you.

Social Attacks and Gossip

It is hard to keep the end of your relationship with a narcissist

out of the public eye, because the narcissist demands that everyone

you know choose sides. As soon as possible he will tell your friends,

neighbors, church members, and club acquaintances in person and

on social media his version of the story of your breakup. That is very

distressful for most caretakers. During your entire relationship, the

narcissist insisted on extreme privacy about your interactions

together, and now he is spreading all kinds of misinformation and

slander and trying to ruin your good name. Too often caretakers

continue to keep their promises not to talk about the relationship,

which ends up letting the narcissist’s lies stand without response.

Gossip is a manipulative tactic designed to make you the bad

guy and the narcissist to gain as much sympathy as possible. It can

also work effectively to reengage you with him and bring you under

control.

Stalking

Although stalking is usually not blatant or threatening by

narcissists, it is not uncommon for narcissists to fortuitously be at the

grocery store when you are there, suddenly appear at a community

or social event you attend, or change their running schedule to go

down your street every morning. Be prepared ahead of time for

these unexpected meetings. They’re designed to keep you aware of

the narcissist’s presence and emotionally off balance.

Neediness

Narcissists appear to be strong and independent, but they are

actually extremely needy. You may find it hard to let go of taking care

of the narcissist. You may get calls to come fix her car, or he may still

expect you to keep doing the accounting for his business, or she

wants you to take down the Christmas lights on her house, or he

expects you to still make his dentist appointments. It can be

exhausting and difficult for you to say no to these persistent

requests. Too often you get pulled back into interactions with the

narcissist that really don’t benefit you.

CONCLUSION

Narcissists try to be in control of all aspects of their relationships.

They want to decide when and how to leave, and they want to make

sure that you and everyone else believes it is your fault. The reasons

that narcissists decide to leave a relationship have little or nothing to

do with you. It is likely that even the narcissist doesn’t know the real

reasons. However, when a narcissist has decided to leave, there is

very little a partner can do to stop it from happening.

When you try to leave, you face a barrage of persuasion tactics

that can be overwhelming and intimidating because the narcissist

tries to make you feel guilty and completely to blame.

The narcissist seems only to care about how others see him,

with little or no concern for anyone else’s feelings. It’s his goal to look

as good as possible and maintain control.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What blame have you taken on for the end of this relationship?

What do you think are the real reasons the narcissist left this

relationship?

How have you been trying to fix, repair, or save this

relationship? What has been the result?

How has the narcissist been trying to make you the “bad guy”?

How did the narcissist in your life leave?

Have you ever thought about or tried to leave the narcissist?

What happened?

How does the narcissist try to pull you back in to interactions

with him or her?

Chapter 5

What Just Happened?

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

—Winston Churchill

When you found out that the narcissist was leaving, you began

a process of adjusting to that information. It may help to know the

feelings that most caretakers experience in the course of being

rejected by a narcissist so that you can see that what you are

experiencing is normal.

Shock

—This Is Not the Same Person

At the beginning of the relationship the narcissist was charming,

warm, affectionate, often witty, and confident. Yes, you probably also

saw his arrogance, self-absorption, and moodiness, but those things

seemed fleeting or you thought they were something you could help

him overcome. The narcissist had probably been through a number

of relationships, which he probably described as awful, horrible, or

crazy. You thought that your love, loyalty, kindness, and sympathy

would guarantee that the narcissist would never think of you in those

terms. But in spite of all you have given, here you are being rejected

and rebuffed anyway. In addition, you may now feel that somehow

this is all your fault.

It comes as a huge shock when the narcissist turns from Dr.

Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. The moment the narcissist first switched is

significant for most caretakers. It may even have felt like an actual

electrical shock going through your body. Many people see the first

glimpse of that change occurring at a major life turning point, such as

the day of your engagement, immediately after the wedding, the birth

of your first child, when you signed the papers on an expensive

house, when you first caught him in a lie, or some other stress point

in your lives together. You brushed it off and tried to repress the

feeling, but it rose up again and again at intervals.

As time went by, the narcissist responded more and more with

anger, hostility, put-downs, defensiveness, and blame. You worked

hard to be forgiving, accepting, flexible, and accommodating. You

started protecting your awareness from this negativity by “forgetting”

or repressing the memories of these hurtful and injurious behaviors.

So even though you had seen the narcissist’s mean side many

times, you put it out of your mind, ignored it, or told yourself he was

just under stress, tired, or depressed. You made excuses, ignored

the behavior, and mostly remembered it only when it was aimed at

other people—his former wife, his boss, a clerk, or an inattentive

waitress. You didn’t like that behavior, but you felt it was your job to

forgive, forget, and move forward.

But the narcissist’s dark side doesn’t go away or magically

transform. It’s a part of his core personality. The closer you come

emotionally to the narcissist, the more you see it. You may have

been stunned and surprised by this breakup, but subconsciously you

had also been on guard and wary of that hidden part of your loved

one for a long time.

Confusion—What’s Going to Happen Now?

Relationships with narcissists are continually confusing because

they have two strongly opposing sides to their personalities—the

charming, attractive, and positive False Self and the negative,

childish, and selfish hidden self. After you were committed and the

narcissist relaxed into being himself, both of these selves started

appearing side by side, switching from moment to moment. Since

then everything has become crazy and confusing. The two parts of

the narcissist say entirely different things, want different solutions,

and respond to what you say and do in very dissimilar ways.

You may feel that it’s impossible for you to figure out what is

going to happen next. The “nice part” of the narcissist gives you

hope of reconciliation, agrees to go to therapy, sounds concerned,

and offers hope that he will change. The angry, mean persona is

curt, says hurtful things, and is dismissive and uncaring. So how do

you figure out whether you are going to stay or leave? Will you fight

to keep the relationship or walk away and give up? Every time you

take a step to reconcile, the narcissist pushes you away; however,

when you cut off communication or don’t answer his e-mails and

texts, he demands that you respond and stay engaged. Just when

you start to feel more at ease without the narcissist around, he

makes overtures to reunite or resume the relationship. It’s

completely crazy making.

Denial—It Must Be Something I Did

If you are in the early stages of the separation process, you may

still want to keep the relationship. You want to remain hopeful. You

may believe that you can still do something to save this relationship.

One way to put off “the end” is to think that you have the power to

change things. It feels comforting to think that you can fix things by

saying something different or giving in more. Much of the advice

from family, friends, and even professionals encourages you to try

harder, improve your communication, be more sympathetic,

compromise, be more loving, open up more, give in, and not be so

selfish.

I want to emphasize that as a caretaker, you’ve already done

too much of those things. You’ve probably kept this relationship

going much longer than the narcissist has ever experienced before.

In fact, that may be part of the problem for the narcissist. He has

reached the limit of his ability to tolerate this closeness, far

exceeding his comfort zone. You now see the narcissist’s faults and

shortcomings, and he knows you want him to change. Unfortunately,

the narcissist likes being a narcissist and doesn’t want to change. He

wants out of the relationship but also wants you and everyone else

to give him permission to leave and still be the “good guy.”

Remember, it’s not about you, and it’s not your fault. You cannot

fix it. Your denial of these truths will lead to more and more pain,

confusion, and heartbreak. You don’t have the power to change a

narcissist. And even if you think you have saved things up to this

point, it’s extremely unlikely the relationship will be preserved in the

long run.

Holding On—I Won’t Give Up

When the narcissist is determined to leave the relationship, no

amount of holding on will stop him. You can make demands, try

reasoning, plead, beg, cry, or get socially kindhearted professionals

on your side—minister, therapist, lawyer—but the narcissist will still

leave if he wants to. Nothing will save a relationship when one

person refuses to participate.

It is likely that the narcissist has broken every promise he has

ever made to you. Ask yourself these questions: Do you feel loved,

honored, respected, and cared for? Does the narcissist share his

intimate feelings with you? Has the narcissist been loyal? Does he

kindly and generously share possessions or money with you? Does

the narcissist share the responsibilities of maintaining the

relationship, the home, the children? Does he nurture and support

your emotional well-being and growth? Do you feel safe and

comfortable and relaxed in his presence? If these things are missing

most of the time, you might wonder what you are holding on to.

Anger—How Could He Do This to Me?

When you start feeling anger, it’s a good sign that you are

accepting the truth of what is going on. Probably you should have

gotten angry a long time ago, but your repression and denial kept

your anger in check. When you face the reality that the narcissist is

emotionally disabled, unwilling to change, and doesn’t understand or

care very much about your feelings, that should trigger your anger—

anger at the narcissist, anger at yourself, maybe even anger at God.

The narcissist has rarely appreciated what you have given in

this relationship, and you have given much, much more empathy,

time, energy, and attention to him than you have received. That has

been unfair. Your faith that things would eventually reach a balance

has not proven true. In fact, in this breakup process, the narcissist is

still going to believe that you didn’t give enough.

Hold on to this anger, but don’t expect it to be your only

sustaining emotion. Some amount of anger will help you stand up for

your rights. Use your anger to motivate you to protect and take care

of yourself in this breakup process. However, beware of ongoing,

unremitting anger, which can lead to spitefulness, vindictiveness,

and petty obsessions about specific hurts and grievances. Chronic

anger eventually leads you to a deep loss of self-esteem and

increasing victimhood.

Hurt—Pain, Agony, and Relief

You had great hopes and dreams about how this relationship

would be—many built on the promises from the narcissist. The hurt

and pain you are feeling now come from losing the good feelings and

positive elements you actually had in this relationship, but even more

from the loss of the dream that you had with the narcissist. A big part

of any relationship with a narcissist is the fantasy and vision that you

thought you shared. Unfortunately, it was just an illusion, a myth, a

mirage created by the narcissist. Yes, he totally believed in it as did

you, but the fallacy is that the narcissist just can’t deliver on those

promises. He can’t truly be your soul mate because of his inability to

be empathetic, emotionally vulnerable, and deeply committed. When

the narcissist can’t deliver, he just comes up with a new dream that

he expects you to automatically accept. When you feel hurt, angry,

or blindsided by these sudden changes in the narcissist, you are

accused of being negative or obstructionist. That loss can be painful

and baffling.

Being abandoned, wrongly accused, demeaned, and criticized is

distressing and can shatter your sense of who you are and where

your life is going. Combined with the confusing push/pull messages

from the narcissist, you can feel adrift, with no anchor or stability. It

can lead you to doubt everything that you thought was true.

Seeing your life now as yours alone can be stressful and

disturbing. However, if you’re starting to see that you have a pattern

of getting into caretaking relationships, now is a good time to

reassess your views, beliefs, and assumptions about relationships

that may have led you into this relationship with a narcissist. Do you

honestly want to keep taking care of someone else? Wouldn’t you

like to be in a relationship that truly meets your needs as well? Do

you need to learn skills to stand up for yourself? Will you ever be

able to get someone to take what you feel and want seriously?

Even though you miss the narcissist and have a lot of pain and

hurt, there is likely a part of you that also feels some sense of relief.

Years ago, I gave a narcissistic husband and a caretaking wife the

homework assignment to not talk or interact with each other until

they came back for their session the next week. When I saw them

again, the husband berated me for the horrible and stupid

assignment, but the wife said it was the best two days of peace she

had had in years. He wasn’t able to keep quiet for even an hour, but

she had kept at it for two days, ignoring him, cooking only for herself,

talking with her friends, and going about her day as she chose. He

couldn’t stand it. It gave her the insight she needed to realize how

much of her time and energy he was using up every day for his

emotional needs. Pay attention to those feelings of quiet, calm, and

reprieve. How does it feel not to have to constantly pay attention,

respond, listen, and deal with the narcissist’s ongoing, never-ending

neediness and drama?

Revenge, Self-Condemnation, Depression, and

Fear

These are what I call the dead-end feelings. They are likely to

surface as you make your way through this challenging and

confusing time. These are the feelings that will make everything

you’re going through harder and lengthier.

Seeking revenge may temporarily take your attention off of a

skewed belief that the narcissist is somehow “winning,” but it only

truly feels satisfying to people who are vindictive and bitter. By the

end of this book, I hope you can see that the narcissist never wins.

He may get things he wants or shape situations to his liking, but he

will never feel deep, abiding love and satisfaction. He will never have

that relaxed, comfortable feeling of being safely cherished and

valued without judgment by another. He will always be stuck in his

own fears, vulnerabilities, and defensiveness.

Narcissists would like their partners to dissolve into self-

condemnation and helpless shame. It helps them feel less guilty and

supports their belief that it is not their fault. However, self-blame,

shame, and self-criticism are highly detrimental to making the

changes and adaptions you need to do right now. Self-judgments

and disapproval drain your energy and demolish your courage.

However, self-awareness without reproachful judgments can bring

deep transformation in your ability to love yourself and be

encouraging and responsive to others. I will be showing you ways to

make these kinds of changes in later chapters.

Your life has been shaken to the core. Your giving in to the

narcissist and taking care of everything you thought he needed, even

your giving up your own needs and wants, did not save the

relationship. Continuing now to take care of the narcissist while this

relationship is ending can lead to your being emotionally and

financially harmed even more. Now is the time to back away, catch

your breath, and think through what you want to do next.

It’s important that you do not collapse into depression and fear.

You may have periods of feeling hopeless and helpless; however,

now is the time to learn new coping strategies and bring your focus

to your own self-care. It is a good time to turn your amazing

caretaking skills toward your own well-being.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

When was the first time you saw the dark side of the narcissist? How

did you feel in that moment? What did you think? What did you do?

What is currently confusing you about the conflicting behaviors

and responses you see from the narcissist?

How have you denied and downplayed the narcissist’s negative

behaviors?

How do you buy into the narcissist’s accusations and complaints

about you? Which ones do you believe?

How do you keep hanging on to the narcissist as she or he tries

to depart?

Identify and write out a statement about your anger at the

narcissist. Keep it handy for when he or she tries to pull you back in.

How are you secretly relieved to be away from the narcissist?

What is your secret revenge scenario?

What triggers you to feel collapsed and hopeless?

Chapter 6

Coping with the End

“Fall down seven times, rise eight times, life begins now.”

—Japanese proverb

Making it through the demise of a relationship with a narcissist

can be a harrowing experience. Everything that you believed in and

expected from the narcissist gets completely turned upside down. In

the beginning of the relationship you were on a pedestal. Now that

things don’t please the narcissist, you’re pushed off and deposed,

open to insult, slander, and denigration. You see the dark side of the

narcissist in ways you may only have glimpsed before.

NARCISSISTIC RAGE

It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist is divorcing you or you are

divorcing the narcissist; he will be angry, hostile, and even enraged

because his fantasy—delusion—of how things were supposed to be

hasn’t worked out and it’s all your fault. You didn’t follow the script;

you didn’t play your part properly; you said or did the wrong thing.

You are the cause, which makes you disloyal, untrustworthy,

treacherous, and dishonest.

Source of the Rage

Why is the narcissist so angry at you? Heinz Kohut[1] coined the

term “narcissistic rage.” He explains that it occurs because the

narcissist feels “shame at being faced with failure.” This shame,

which is hidden deeply within the narcissist, is one of the worst

feelings that narcissists experience. As a result, they feel afraid, out

of control, and victimized, which they abhor. Kohut says they have a

“need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by

whatever means”[2] They need to be the persecutor to keep from

feeling like the victim. Their rage is the result of abject fear that

others will see them as imperfect, as losers, and as defective. The

narcissist’s whole sense of self-esteem is built on being perfect, but

the end of a relationship announces to the world that the narcissist is

a failure.

Beware of Rescuing

As the narcissist wavers between being the victim and the

persecutor, it may seem that the only thing for you to do is try to be a

rescuer. Taking any one of these three typical roles—rescuer, victim,

or persecutor—keeps you under the control of the narcissist and

gives you no powerful way to protect yourself or disengage.

You have spent a great deal of time in the role of rescuer with

the narcissist, trying to smooth things over and keep the narcissist

calm and comfortable. When you were on the pedestal, you could

use your comforting and pacifying skills to good advantage. The

narcissist was willing to listen to you and calm down. Now that the

narcissist sees you as the enemy, those same behaviors may be

interpreted by the narcissist as you trying to control and take

advantage of him. Continuing to be a rescuer, placater, and

peacemaker is definitely against your best interests.

Your rescuing efforts also signal to the narcissist that you are

still willing to give in to his wants. It will not improve your interactions

with the narcissist to allow him back into the house, adjust child

visitation times and days, ignore late alimony or child maintenance

payments, or even have sex or go on vacation together after you

have separated. When you are not absolutely clear about your limits

and boundaries, you’ll have little or no leverage with the narcissist to

bring about the conclusions you want.

Narcissists use rage to get what they want and also to keep

from emotionally collapsing. Narcissists keep increasing their anger

until they feel safe again—which is likely to be quite a while after the

divorce is final.[3]

Camille found it hard to come to the conclusion that her

marriage was over. She realized that Sydney was a narcissist, but

her strong religious convictions kept her trying to help him get over

his rages. She tolerated his hurtful name-calling and put-downs.

Finally, in another argument over money he grabbed her hand and

wrenched it backward, breaking her thumb. In the emergency room,

the doctor told her that he was obliged to report the incident as

domestic abuse, and it finally became clear to Camille that she, in

fact, had been emotionally and psychologically abused for years as

well.

WHAT TO EXPECT

No Mutual Parting

A frequent hope and goal for most caretakers is to have a

mutual and friendly parting from the narcissist. It’s becoming a

cultural value and sign of a “successful” divorce to remain friends,

use mediation instead of an adversarial approach, coparent, and

continue a semifamilial relationship with your former spouse for the

benefit of the children. As a therapist, I am completely in favor of all

of these goals. However, few divorces involving a narcissist can

make these approaches work.

When narcissists are in a rage, they want payback, revenge,

and to win. It becomes the narcissist against you. They feel

threatened to the core, and the only way for them to feel safe again

is to win, and that means to them that you have to lose. Narcissists

may identify winning by how much money and property they get,

how often their choices and preferences win over yours, or how

successful they are in stealing your friends or getting your kids to like

them better. Narcissists want a competition no matter what they say.

There is almost no mutual, amicable, friendly parting. If you allow

yourself to get into this competition, you’ll experience plenty of pain,

grief, and anguish.

It’s All Mine

For the majority of narcissists, money is the only sure thing they

trust, so they want as much of it as they can get. Male narcissists

who made more money than their female partners frequently think

that all the money belongs to them in the first place. Many of them

have talked their wives out of working, but during a divorce, blame

them for not “contributing.” They expect to keep all of the assets. In

some cases, all of the assets may already be in the narcissist’s

name alone, so it can be difficult to get your reasonable share.

When your relationship appears to be ending, tread cautiously

and have a plan. For you to leave this relationship safely, you’ll need

a lot of assistance, including a lawyer who has extensive experience

with narcissists. Karyl McBride’s book Will I Ever Be Free of You?

offers excellent guidance about the legal process of getting out of a

relationship with a narcissist.[4] Having control of your assets, a place

to live, and a way to support yourself ahead of time will help a lot.

You’ll also need a strong emotional support system to sustain you,

including friends, family members, a knowledgeable therapist, and

spiritual support.

Get your own lawyer as soon as possible. If you haven’t seen

this coming, you may also need to get a forensic accountant busy to

find all of your joint assets before the narcissist hides them or

empties the accounts. If you have been handling the finances, you

may know where the money and assets are. If the narcissist handled

the money, it may be hard to find it and get what is financially fair for

you.

As soon as the narcissist acknowledges there will be a divorce,

he typically starts talking about cooperation, working together, and

coming to settlement agreement without lawyers, citing the expense

and hostility that lawyers bring to the situation. But this is usually a

ruse to divide property and assets to his advantage by dominating,

pressuring, and intimidating you into giving him what he wants.

You definitely need your own lawyer. You need someone on

your side, with your interests in mind, who will speak up for your

rights. Even trained professionals can find it intimidating to stand up

to the narcissist’s rage and manipulation, so as a caretaker who has

loved this person, you have little chance of defending yourself

adequately. In their rage, narcissists may threaten to leave you

penniless, homeless, and bankrupt, and many of them do try. Get

familiar with the laws in your state, and hire a lawyer who knows

what he or she is doing.

What About the Kids?

Narcissists parent in many different ways. However, they tend to

go to extremes—either being overly attentive or disregarding. The

narcissist who previously ignored and didn’t participate much in

parenting may suddenly become a “superparent,” especially doing

lots of fun things so the kids will still like him. He may use the

children as companions so he won’t be alone. He may put more

intense pressure on the children to perform well to prove the divorce

isn’t hurting them. Or he may decide to become their teacher, coach,

or trainer for activities that are of particular interest to him. Trying to

establish a coparenting plan that works for the children and for you

can be difficult, because the narcissist’s needs are always more

important.

Sometimes narcissists become overly focused on their children

in a divorce, and use them to expand their conflict with you so as to

increase your feelings of being devalued, frightened, or a failure.

These kinds of self-enhancing behaviors can ebb and flow

throughout your children’s childhood. Again, be careful not to get

pulled into being a rescuer, persecutor, or victim. That will only

prolong the conflict, which can have negative effects on your

children.

Fifty/fifty child custody is especially desired by narcissists—even

if they have done little or no child care previously—because it

eliminates the requirement for paying child support in most states.

It’s not uncommon, however, for the narcissist to gain fifty/fifty

custody only to, within months or years, turn most of the parenting

over to you again or to a new spouse while still paying no child

support. Narcissists typically become less and less interested in

interacting with their children when the children develop their own

interests, individuality, and opinions. The children’s increasing

independence can bring up the same behaviors from the narcissist

of idealizing and then devaluing them that happened to you in the

marriage, and can create a lot of conflict.

On the other hand, I’ve been amazed at how well kids can see

and handle the narcissist’s emotional disabilities when they have you

as a role model of strength. When you refuse to take the narcissist’s

comments personally and you set limits and boundaries and speak

up for yourself, your children will learn how to handle themselves

with the narcissist more effectively.

Of course, this does not cover all that you need and want to

know about how your kids will be affected by having a narcissistic

parent. There are many good books about this, so take time to read

them and share with your children when you feel they are old

enough.

HOW TO RESPOND

Staying out of the drama triangle of victim, persecutor, and rescuer is

essential to navigating this experience. The longer you have been

involved with a narcissist and immersed in this drama pattern, the

harder it can be. You may feel very victimized, or your anger and

resentment may trigger a strong need to persecute the narcissist, or

you may automatically go into caretaker mode without even being

aware of doing it. Keep checking on yourself to keep from falling into

any of these three roles. Throughout the rest of this book you’ll find

many strategies to keep yourself centered and out of these old roles.

When you feel strong and prepared to deal with the narcissist in new

ways, you’ll be better able to protect yourself and maintain your

equilibrium.

Defuse Your Fear

You immediately need to work on lowering your levels of fear

and anxiety. Narcissistic rage is something awful to behold and can

be terribly frightening to have aimed directly at you. The narcissist

wants you to feel threatened and anxious so you can’t think. Then

you’ll more easily give in to what he wants. Narcissists believe that

you deserve to feel bad for causing them to feel and look like a

failure. A humiliated narcissist can be quite menacing and

intimidating.

Don’t believe the narcissist’s dire and threatening predictions

about your future, but also don’t ignore his threats. Take steps

immediately to protect yourself both physically and psychologically.

Taking action can help defuse your fear. Change the locks on the

doors, open a separate bank account, close or remove your name

from all the joint credit cards, and stop making any requests for help

from the narcissist. Don’t respond to hostile e-mails or texts, and

keep copies of all verbal and written threats in a special notebook. It

would be ideal if you did these things during the first days after

separation. However, it’s been my experience that most caretakers

don’t even think to do these things for weeks or months. The sooner

you do them, the sooner you’ll start feeling more in control.

If you find yourself shaking, unable to think, unable to eat,

startling easily, and inundated with anxiety, you will need to calm

these feelings before you can do much of anything. This is the time

to remember to breathe. That may sound simplistic, but it is essential

that you consciously pay attention to your breathing. People in fear

have a tendency to stop breathing or to hyperventilate. Both of these

reactions interfere with oxygen getting to your brain, heart, and other

primary organs. Not breathing will also trigger your freeze response.

When your brain and body freeze and shut down, you can’t think,

remember things, or make rational decisions. At those times, you

may find yourself more willing to give in to the narcissist’s demands,

give up your rights, or even beg the narcissist to come back just to

ease your panic and fear. So breathing is essential for your mental

health and your physical needs.

Task

Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Put one hand

over your heart and one hand on your diaphragm. Slowly breathe in,

feeling your lower hand and then your upper hand move out as your

lungs fill with air. Then slowly breathe out, feeling your lungs deflate

and your shoulders drop. Do this to the count of four—four counts on

the in breath and four counts on the out breath. Most people find that

doing this breathing series even four or five times starts the

relaxation process. If you are in deep distress, you may need to do

this for ten to twenty minutes.

This exercise is not a waste of time. Your body may be so tense

that you can’t fully relax, but it will help clear your mind enough to

think again. It brings your cognitive functions back on line. If you find

that your body stays so tense that you find it painful to breathe and

you can’t sleep, then a relaxation or sleep medication may be helpful

for a while. Used carefully, these medications can help you keep

your panic in check. Talk with your doctor about what you are going

through and ask what is right for you.

Find Support

No one can deal alone with the kind of situation you are going

through. You need someone to listen so you can decompress, empty

out your teeming thoughts, and get back on track. You also need

validation that you’re not crazy and assurance that you can handle

this. A therapist with extensive knowledge about the narcissist and

caretaker patterns and a nonjudgmental, non-advice-giving best

friend are a minimal support team. Reading books, joining a support

group, and staying active with at least some weekly social activities

also help. Although you may find it hard to ask for help, remember

that this is a serious situation, and you need to reach out for support.

It is necessary for both your emotional and physical health.

Disengage

The best way to protect yourself from a hostile narcissist is to

disengage. Yes, the narcissist hates that, but he ‘s already in a rage

anyway and it is no longer your job to take care of his feelings. Now

is the time to think about your own emotional needs. Lawyers

consistently tell their clients to quit responding and interacting with

the narcissist and do all communicating through them until the

divorce is over, but they say their clients rarely listen to them. I want

to reinforce this recommendation. Until a final settlement is reached,

narcissists will try every means possible to keep you emotionally

distraught and off balance with what they say and do.

Disengagement is more than not talking, texting, e-mailing, or

interacting. It also includes emotionally letting go (more about this in

the next chapter). To emancipate yourself from the narcissist, you

have to quit caring what he thinks of you. You also need to let go of

any dependence on the narcissist—emotional, physical, and

financial. If you have young children, it may take years to completely

disengage. But you can begin to separate yourself emotionally when

you quit allowing the narcissist to be your judge, the person who

defines you, the person whose opinion is most important to you, and

the person who controls your emotions.

Disengagement means taking back control of your life instead of

letting the narcissist determine your feelings. Get the narcissist out of

your head as your judge and jury right now, and you’ll find you feel

significantly better, more optimistic, more creative, and happier.

Be Businesslike

As you become more disengaged from the narcissist, you can

start treating your interactions with him in a more businesslike

manner. In business, emotional responses are relegated to the

background, and people try to talk about only the specific issue at

hand. At work you try your best to be cordial, even when you don’t

like somebody. You may disagree, but there is no name-calling, rude

remarks, or hostile body language. You don’t cry, beg, or share your

intimate feelings with your work associates. Your interactions will go

better with the narcissist if you follow this same model.

The narcissist used to be your closest and most trusted

companion—the person whose responses mattered more to you

than anyone else’s. That is gone. He now sees you as the enemy.

So when you continue to expect that the narcissist will consider your

feelings or entreaties, you’ll probably be deeply disappointed, and

your requests will trigger his guilt and hostility.

Being businesslike gives you more power. Be calm and rational,

stick close to the topic, and refuse to be sidetracked. When you stay

calm, the narcissist is the only one reacting emotionally and looks

more clearly like the crazy person he is. Don’t be intimidated or

embarrassed by the narcissist’s horrible behavior. It’s all right for

information about the narcissist’s genuinely dreadful side to be

visible to others. This makes the truth about his behaviors clear. You

used to enable the narcissist by keeping those behaviors hidden, but

it will do you no good now. It may be a tremendous relief to you to

quit covering up, and it allows the rest of the world to see the

narcissist more authentically. I’m not suggesting that you gossip or

talk derogatorily about the narcissist. Simply state true facts without

covering them up. Stop apologizing for the narcissist, and quit

dismissing or explaining his rude and negative behaviors. You do not

want to bad-mouth the narcissist to friends, family, or your children.

Speak only the truth about the actual behaviors and words of the

narcissist. Overall it is best to let people see for themselves how the

narcissist acts under stress, which just requires you to stop covering

it all up.

Take Excellent Care of Yourself

When you focus on putting exercise, healthy food, and good

self-care into your daily schedule, you’ll find yourself feeling more

powerful and doing less worrying. Actively taking care of your body

automatically improves your self-esteem and prepares you to handle

challenges. Moving your body helps balance your breathing, brings

oxygen to your brain, and gets your heart pumping. These actions

help keep you from shutting down emotionally or dropping into

depression. Get a massage, sit in a hot tub, or do whatever helps

you to relax. Make your own physical well-being a priority.

I also recommend that you keep a journal of your thoughts and

feelings. It’s surprisingly calming and validating to put down on paper

your experiences and insights. It can help you sort through the

confusion and figure out what you want to do about this huge

change. It’s also a good memory trigger to help you stop “forgetting”

and diminishing those negative interactions with the narcissist.

Now is not the time to be stingy with yourself. Invest in your

health and healing. Put your time and money into services that

provide good emotional care. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it

is good sense. It will also pay off for your friends, children, and loved

ones in less worry and distress for them too.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What elements of narcissistic rage have you seen from your partner?

How are you still trying to rescue or appease the narcissist?

What hopes are you still hanging onto that this relationship will

be saved?

How likely is it that you’ll get cooperation from the narcissist in

your situation?

What are your concerns for your children in this split?

What actions are you taking to reduce your fears?

How disengaged are you from the narcissist at the present

time? What could you do to disengage further?

What new, more businesslike behaviors could you put into

practice?

What have you been covering up for the narcissist? How can

you quit covering these things up?

How well are you taking care of yourself? What else could you

do?

NOTES

1. Kohut, Heinz. “Thoughts on Narcissism and Narcissistic Rage,” in

The Search for the Self. Madison, CT: International Universities

Press, 1972.

2. Ronningstam, Elsa. Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic

Personality. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2005, pp. 86–87.

3. McBride, Karyl. Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a

High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family. New

York, NY: Atria Books, 2015.

4. Ibid.

Chapter 7

Letting Go

“Don’t look backwards; you aren’t going that way.”

—Autumn Shields, author of Living Your Life Alive

Relationships with narcissists frequently end no matter how hard

you try to save them.

The end is often painful, exhausting, and generally upsetting.

Whether your relationship ends, hangs together for months or years,

or settles into a rhythm that you can live with, you will need to learn

to let go of many of the expectations, hopes, and dreams you have

had about how you wanted it to work. Changing your perspective,

presumptions, reactions, and strategies will reduce your frustration,

emotional injuries, and general distress.

CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE

By now you understand that the narcissist’s views of the world,

relationships, and of you are distorted, and his reactions aren’t

normal. The most common reason you continually get blindsided by

the narcissist’s reactions is that you keep thinking that he’ll react

normally. It’s especially difficult to keep this in mind when the

narcissist seems to be talking and interacting more conventionally for

a period of time. You get to thinking that he is back to center and will

now be reasonable. But the narcissist’s twisted views will always

resurface, so you need to be prepared.

Narcissists Will Always Be Narcissistic

Perhaps one of the hardest things to come to terms with is

accepting that the person you loved is mentally ill. I actually prefer to

use the term “emotionally disabled,” because it more accurately

describes the situation. These emotional disabilities are always

there, although the narcissist can sometimes override them. When

his False Self is in place, he can appear quite normal, relaxed, funny,

entertaining, and charming. But don’t be fooled into thinking that

everything is all right. He will inevitably reverse again. Always keep

in mind that the narcissist is emotionally impaired, and be prepared

for him to “malfunction.”

Overcome Your Fear of Being Judgmental

Most caretakers trip themselves up, because they find it hard to

make any negative judgments about other people. Identifying

narcissistic traits in another person is not much different from

recognizing that someone has blue eyes, is tall or short, or is right or

left handed. Distinguishing personality traits in yourself and others

can be tremendously helpful for predicting what behaviors and

actions will occur in particular situations. If you’re willing to

acknowledge only positive characteristics, then you’ll be woefully

unprepared to deal with the narcissist’s negative actions.

Take away the positive and negative labels and try to see the

narcissist’s traits as simply an informational list of behaviors. It is

also helpful to acknowledge that all of us have traits that we like or

dislike, that are functional in certain situations and not in others, or

that are helpful or detrimental to ourselves or others. For instance, a

highly active person who takes charge and is innovative and creative

would be great in suddenly dangerous and unknown situations but

would probably not make a good grocery store clerk. The narcissist’s

personality characteristics work effectively to protect his immature

and fragile ego. These same behaviors, however, can be very

harmful to you and others. Not taking the entire spectrum of the

narcissist’s behaviors into consideration each and every time you

interact could be foolish and hazardous. Don’t ignore some

behaviors or traits just because you don’t want to be judgmental or

negative.

Quit Caretaking

A major part of being a caretaker in this relationship has been

the requirement to be the nice one, to give in, make things right, deal

with any problems and difficulties, and spare the narcissist any

anxiety or upset. That role has to face a major overhaul if you’re

going to regain your independence and emotional well-being. You

have to stop taking care of the narcissist and start focusing on caring

for yourself. That may be a challenge, and you may find you don’t

have many ideas about how to do that.

The first step is to quit thinking about the narcissist all the time.

Instead, pay attention to what you are feeling and what you are

wanting to do. Each time you start wondering what the narcissist

thinks or feels about this or that, turn your attention back to yourself.

This takes concentration and practice at first, but with repetition, it’ll

become easier and feel more natural. When you put more energy

and focus on your own life and needs, you’ll come up with more

creative and effective ways to care for yourself, and you’ll start

healing.

It is no longer your job to take care of the narcissist. Caretakers

often say to me that they need to keep focusing on the narcissist as

a way to protect themselves from what the narcissist might do next.

If you clearly identify and remember the narcissist’s behaviors, you’ll

be prepared enough. It’s when you forget that the narcissist will act

like a narcissist that you find yourself in trouble. When you

disengage from caretaking and put more energy into observing and

accepting the narcissist as he is, you’ll be much better protected and

less surprised.

Focus on You

Most caretakers keep obsessing about the narcissist, because it

has become a habit. Like all habits, you need to catch yourself when

you’re caretaking, stop yourself in that moment, and have a new

behavior ready to take its place. That’s a good time to tune in to your

own feelings, and consider what you want to do. Right now you may

think you feel numb or you don’t have a clue what you are feeling.

Here’s a way to tune in to your own feelings more.

Task

Draw a circle on a piece of paper, and then cut it into four

wedges. In each wedge, write a feeling you are having right this

minute. If you get stuck with only three feelings, repeat the one that

is the strongest. Don’t be surprised if all the feelings don’t seem to

go together, for example, angry, frustrated, hurt, and relieved. Think

about each feeling until you discover what event brought that feeling

to the surface (e.g., I was hurt when Jim cut me off in midsentence).

Then try to pinpoint the self-judgment, conclusion, or assumption

that triggered the feeling (e.g., I felt discounted and unimportant).

Finally, decide what you want to do about that feeling (e.g., I know

I’m important to my children and friends, and it no longer matters

what Jim thinks of me).

This exercise can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours or

days to do, depending on how easily you can identify your feelings

and what event or thought triggered them. Were you able to identify

four feelings? Did you figure out what triggered those feelings in

you? How aware of your own thoughts and self-judgments are you?

Were you able to figure out what you want to do to change what you

are experiencing? You have been trying to figure out the narcissist in

this same way. Now is the time to focus on your own feelings.

CHANGE YOUR REACTIONS

The way you have been reacting to the narcissist’s behaviors has to

be changed so you can move forward with your life. You also need to

protect yourself from further emotional damage. It’s time to stop

being controlled by the narcissist’s need to make everything about

being superior/inferior, good/bad, right/wrong, or win/lose. Those

patterns lead to anger, hurt, fear, and anxiety and ultimately have

been at the core of much of your suffering and distress.

Let Go of Winning and Losing

Winning and losing matter only in relation to someone else—in

this case, the narcissist. Does he get more money than you think is

fair? Does he get more time with the kids than you prefer? Do you

now have to work longer hours than you want? Will you have to sell

your house and move? You think you win if you get what you want

and lose if you don’t.

When you let go of trying to control outcomes, you’ll feel better

in the long run. The narcissist is all about control, getting what he

wants, looking better than you, being more successful, or having a

better life. You’ll always feel like a loser when you compete with a

narcissist. Narcissists spend every free moment trying to look good

and get what they want. Unless you’re willing to put in that same

amount of time and energy into those same things, the narcissist will

probably “win.” So the only way out of that rivalry is to step away and

quit trying to compete. You can’t lose if you’re not in the game.

Getting out of the game can be tricky. The narcissist is very

determined to keep you in the game. He can’t win if you aren’t

playing. The narcissist hides money so you get less and then spends

it on a fancy new car. He sends e-mails and photos to show you how

happy he is in his new relationship. These things are designed to

make you feel like a loser. The only way out is to let go of comparing

yourself in any way to the narcissist, and stop caring what the

narcissist says or does. To accomplish this, you’ll have to get away

from his influence on your life and create a life that is closer to what

you want for yourself.

Only You Have the Right to Judge Yourself

When you’re with a narcissist, you get used to his judging,

approving or disapproving of what you say, do, feel, and want. Now

is the time to mark the narcissist off your list of those whose opinions

matter to you. That means you quit worrying, obsessing, or even

considering what the narcissist thinks of you. It no longer matters.

His opinions are totally based on his own biased and twisted views

of the world, anyway. He has nothing to do with the reality of who

you are. It’s time to trust your own judgment.

Try also not to worry too much about what the narcissist says to

others about you. People who know and love you can tell that what

the narcissist says is off base. People who don’t know you as well

but are important—your children’s teachers, neighbors, members of

groups you belong to, or judges and mediators, for instance—need

to get a chance to see who you are. Tell them about yourself, your

values, and your activities. Don’t spend your time talking about the

narcissist. As for strangers, whom you’ll never meet anyway, ask

yourself why it matters what they think.

Stop Hiding—Tell Others What You’re Going

Through

Caretakers too often feel ashamed, at fault, and responsible for

the end of the relationship with a narcissist. You may want to hide

and not tell anyone what is happening, or you may find yourself

suddenly spewing out all sorts of horrible anecdotes and confidences

to people you hardly know. Neither of these approaches will be

beneficial.

Start sharing what is going on in your life with a close friend or

family member whom you trust. You may never have told anyone

about the odd, cruel, tactless, and insensitive behaviors of the

narcissist. You may have hidden this part of your life because you

were confused, embarrassed, or humiliated by what was going on.

People who love and care about you want to be supportive—and you

need that support—but they can’t be helpful if you don’t let them

know what you’re feeling and needing.

Think through what you want to say and to whom. You don’t

want to burden everyone with tales of woe, so it’s helpful to have

explanations that are well thought out and self-respecting. To your

nearest and dearest you can be more open and specific about your

experiences and feelings. To more casual friends it’s appropriate to

share in general terms how you are doing, for example, “I’m having a

tough day today” or “I’m feeling anxious today; would you like to go

to a movie with me to get my mind off things?” With acquaintances

you might say “Randy and I are getting a divorce. It hasn’t been

working out for a while.” Don’t feel you have to divulge information

you don’t want to, but also don’t portray the narcissist in glowing

terms or yourself negatively. Remember, too, that put-downs,

labeling, name-calling, hostility, and resentment toward the narcissist

are best saved for a neutral party, such as a therapist, who won’t be

judgmental of you and won’t use it against you when you feel more

benevolent.

Lastly, don’t use your children as sounding boards for your

feelings about your intimate relationship. You’ll be talking about their

father, mother, or grandparent. That puts children in the middle

between people they love and count on for security, identity, and

self-esteem.

Be Yourself Instead of What Others Want You to

Your most familiar response around the narcissist has been to

change yourself to meet his expectations—changing your feelings,

choices, opinions, even how you dress, or the food you eat. You may

also find that some friends and family want you to respond to the

narcissist and your relationship differently than you believe will work

for you. Remember, you are the one going through this experience,

and only you can ultimately decide what is best for you to do. A good

way to be yourself is to follow your own inclinations and preferences

and make the choices that feel best for your well-being.

CHANGE YOUR STRATEGIES

Stop Showing Your Reactions to the Narcissist

Narcissists love getting a reaction from you. To them it’s a test of

their power and dominance. They know they’re pushing your buttons

when you have an emotional response. To let go, you need to stop

letting the narcissist see his effect on you. Anger, tears, hurt, shock,

retorts, or pretty much any strong response feeds the narcissist’s

need for your attention. He wants out of the relationship, but he

wants you to still be attached and emotionally involved with him.

Adopt neutral body language and facial expressions around the

narcissist. This helps you set a boundary between the narcissist and

yourself. You’re no longer going to join in the narcissist’s emotional

games and competitions. The more you practice this attitude of

neutrality, the stronger you’ll feel. It helps you to move your emotions

to the side. As long as you have these strong reactions to the

narcissist, you are still enmeshed and involved, and the narcissist

can continue to control you.

Restrict Your Contact with the Narcissist

Restricting your contact with the narcissist as much as possible

will help you let go and feel better. If you have legal matters to deal

with, let your lawyer tackle that for you. If you have children to

exchange, have the other parent pick them up from or deliver them

to school. If you have to meet face-to-face, use a neutral location if

possible to avoid either of you triggering old feelings. Don’t respond

to e-mails or texts that aren’t businesslike or don’t have a real

purpose. Ignore messages from the narcissist to talk things over, find

closure, or tell him why you don’t want to get back together. These

are setups to get you reengaged and are often ploys to get around

the legal agreements you’ve already made.

Set Real Boundaries and Limits

Because narcissists don’t recognize or honor boundaries, they

want exceptions to everything. They agree to one thing, and then

they demand the right to change it, accusing you of coercing them

into it. When they have problems and issues, they want you to fix

them. They scream hateful things at you and then call in the middle

of the night and want your sympathy.

Decide what you will and won’t put up with and stick to it. When

these boundaries are put into legal agreements, honor them exactly

—even if sometimes you would also like exceptions. To the

narcissist, any exception you make essentially nullifies the whole

agreement and signals that he now has the right to make further

exceptions. When the narcissist sees that you’ll give in on one thing,

he’ll push for you to give in on more and more.

This is not the time to be nice, flexible, helpful, understanding, or

overly considerate. The minute you start feeling sorry for the

narcissist, you’re back under his spell. Boundaries, limits, and

disengagement are all ways to effectively let go. You may also need

to set boundaries on yourself as well. For example, don’t stalk the

narcissist on social media, ask your kids how the other parent is

doing, or keep tabs on him in any way. These behaviors will only

increase your anxiety, misery, and continued attachment.

Step Away from Conﬂict

In the past when the narcissist has emotionally attacked, you’ve

probably responded by pushing back or collapsing in hurt. It’s time

for a new strategy. It’s time for emotional aikido. In aikido, the person

being attacked watches the attacker carefully to assess where he is

going to hit and then calmly twists around or takes a step away so

that the blow will miss. This results in the attacker missing or falling.

You can learn to do the same.

The steps to this strategy follow: Look the narcissist in the eye.

Breathe and stay calm. No matter what he says, respond with

“Really? Is that what you think/feel/believe/want? I see.” Then walk

away. Do not engage, discuss, counterattack, or make any other

responses. Simply leave. The narcissist may be astonished,

infuriated, continue talking, or whatever. It doesn’t matter. You have

just taken yourself out of the impending conflict. By refusing to

engage unless the interaction is civil, you have changed the rules of

the game. Keep it up, and you’ll find you have less and less contact

with the narcissist and more and more relief.

Protect Yourself

You definitely need to protect yourself from the narcissist’s

negativity as much as possible. (I’ll talk more about this in chapter

13.) The minute the narcissist starts belittling, attacking, or

demeaning you, extricate yourself. State the facts of who you are

and what you want if necessary and then disengage—walk away or

hang up the phone, and don’t respond further until everyone cools

down.

Don’t let the narcissist into your house. Don’t drive by his home.

Sit with friends and as far away as possible from the narcissist at

events you both have to attend. When your mind starts wandering,

wondering or worrying about what the narcissist is doing or might do,

change your attention and take your mind off of those thoughts. In

every way possible, cut the narcissist out of your thoughts and life.

CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Tune In to Yourself

This is a good time to reevaluate your life. You’ve spent your

entire relationship with the narcissist trying to understand him. Now

it’s time to look inside and figure out who you are. What parts of

yourself have you given up to please and accommodate the

narcissist? What goals or dreams did you leave behind? What

negative thoughts about yourself have you incorporated from his

opinions? What things about yourself have you kept hidden and

protected? Wake up to who you are, what you enjoy, and the feelings

and experiences that bring you joy. Much of the rest of this book will

focus on helping you heal these wounds and reconnect with yourself.

Reﬂect on How You Were Vulnerable to the

Narcissist

Have you thought about how and why the narcissist picked you

and you picked the narcissist? Ross Rosenberg, in his book The

Human Magnet Syndrome,[1] identifies characteristics of people who

choose continuing, long-term relationships with narcissists, much of

which we discussed in chapter 2. As you begin the process of letting

go of the narcissist and are better able to look at both of you with

less anger and criticism, you’ll be more able to reflect on the parts of

yourself that may need strengthening and adjusting.

You were chosen by the narcissist and you chose the narcissist

for reasons that were probably indiscernible to you at the time. As

these traits and tendencies become more visible, let yourself

consider what ways you need to grow to fortify yourself against

future manipulation by others. Upcoming chapters will help you with

this process. The most important element for change, however, is

learning to stop judging, criticizing, or invalidating yourself.

Reassess Your Friends

When you end a relationship with a narcissist, you may become

aware that you have other narcissistic relationships that you hadn’t

noticed before. Narcissists can be entertaining and charming, but

they make better acquaintances than real friends. Pay attention to

who is being supportive of you in this time of loss—those whose

comfort feels truly reassuring and soothing versus those who offer

advice, dire predictions, or simply launch into their own stories of

woe. You don’t have to keep a “friend” just because you have known

him or her all of your life or you used to like each other years ago.

Now is a good time to identify what qualities you find cheering, kind,

encouraging, and honest in others and seek out people with the

potential to be true, caring friends no matter what is happening. It’s

OK to let the others go.

Don’t Get Stuck in the Past

Looking back to figure out and understand the narcissist’s

disorder and disabilities can help you anticipate his actions and deal

with him more effectively. However, don’t get stuck in just analyzing

the narcissist. Use what you learn to take better care of yourself. If

your thoughts aren’t helpful to you in dealing with the present, don’t

waste your energy on it. Ruminating on the past may be easier than

figuring a new life path and learning new skills, but it drains your

power in the present.

Future Fears

What fears do you have about your future? Have you lost hope

that what you want is possible? Are you letting the narcissist’s

definition of who you are dominate and overwhelm you? Do you

have a core fear about being alone? Do you think you are incapable

of handling things on your own? Avoiding your fears only makes

them loom larger. Facing your fears helps you start defining them as

problems to be confronted and overcome. Fears are nebulous, but

seeing them as challenges and dilemmas to be solved makes them

more manageable.

Reach Out to New Opportunities

Letting go of the past helps you reach out to new opportunities

that are now opening up. The Chinese character for “crisis” is a

combination of two words—danger and opportunity. Right now you

are probably feeling immersed in the element of danger. After all, a

big part of your life, your dreams, as well as your finances, children,

and property are all in chaos and turmoil. But every crisis eventually

opens up into new prospects, new viewpoints, new people, new

possibilities, and new options. You may not have wanted or chosen

these new things to come into your life, but they now give you the

possibility to benefit, grow, advance, and open up to more of who

you are and what you want in your life. You do have choices.

Since you decided to pick up this book and have read this far, I

think it is pretty good evidence that you are motivated to move

forward. You want to heal. You see there are possibilities in your

future that could make your life more of what you want it to be. Let’s

move forward then to healing, empowering, and transforming this

situation into a life where you can thrive and flourish.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What changes in your self-image and your view of the narcissist do

you need to make?

Which of your reactions to the end of this relationship have been

unproductive or futile for you? What reactions would you like to be

having instead?

What part of your emotional relationship with the narcissist do

you find difficult to let go of?

How ready are you to face down the narcissist and walk away?

What can you do to better protect yourself from the narcissist’s

attacks and criticisms?

How can you better tune in to yourself and better tune out the

narcissist?

How much time do you spend reviewing the past? How can you

bring yourself into the present more?

What fears are keeping you from letting go of the narcissist?

What else are you hanging onto that is keeping you from moving

forward?

NOTES

1. Rosenberg, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love

People Who Hurt Us. Eau Claire, WI: Premier Publishing & Media,

2013.

III

Healing After the Crash

Chapter 8

Grieving

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your

understanding.”

—Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

Pain, anger, and grief are all bound up together. Anger keeps

the pain of grief and loss at bay until we are strong enough to bear it.

Grief expresses our deepest pain so it can come out and be healed.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says that we go through five stages of grief

when we experience a great loss: denial, anger, bargaining,

depression, and acceptance.[1] In actuality we circle through these

feelings round and round as we heal and slowly come to terms with

the truth that our lives are changed forever. Owning and expressing

your grief allows you to be aware when you are hurting, angry, and in

denial. There is much you can do to heal these feelings as they

emerge. It’s also helpful to be aware of when you are bargaining with

yourself and trying to go back to how things were, which leads you

back into the pain. As you lose hope, it can be good to know that

your feeling of depression is actually an opening to the possibility of

acceptance.

In our very fast, hurry-up-and-get-over-it culture, there is an

assumption that grief should last a couple of months and be over.

However, it is important to keep in mind that you’re mourning many

losses when your relationship ends with a narcissist. You’ve lost a

spouse/lover/partner. You’ve lost the dream of what you believed

your life would be like with that person. Your self-esteem has been

damaged as a result of the blaming and devaluation by the

narcissist. You’ve probably lost property, money, and financial

stability. Your confidence and sense of worth have been shredded.

You may have lost half of the time you used to spend with your

children. You’ve lost your relationship goals. And in addition, the

narcissist is probably still hanging around threatening to make your

life miserable.

DEALING WITH DENIAL

When you’ve been a caretaker for so long, it’s often hard to admit to

yourself and others the full extent of the harm you’ve suffered in your

relationship with the narcissist. You’re more comfortable paying

attention to the narcissist’s pain or the effort and promises he is

making. You want to keep hoping that if the narcissist just gets help,

things will turn around. Exploring your own pain, counting up all that

you have lost, and really admitting that you have been abandoned

can seem embarrassing and too painful. Your tendency to take all

the blame for the failure of the relationship onto yourself may make it

harder for you to acknowledge the deep injuries you have sustained.

Acknowledge the Harm That Was Done

You’re not to blame for the way the narcissist treated you.

Narcissists work hard to keep you off balance and vulnerable. Your

goodwill, generosity, and flexibility were taken advantage of. Try

looking at the harm that you experienced without judging yourself. It

may be difficult for you to stop taking responsibility for how the

narcissist treated you, but it’s vitally important that you separate his

behavior from yours. You did not make the narcissist treat you badly.

The narcissist chose to treat you that way to avoid feeling bad

himself.

Task

Take some time right now to make a list of the harm you believe

the narcissist did to you in this relationship. I’m not asking you to

dwell on the negative, but it needs to be identified and acknowledged

so you can repair those wounds. If you push those things into your

subconscious, they can fester and turn to bitterness, fear, anxiety,

and self-hatred.

When Anne did this exercise, she was shocked by how long her

list was and how many excuses automatically came to mind to

“explain” why each one was her fault. Her list included the following:

He screamed at me about the dinner—because I burned the

potatoes. He was angry and refused to talk to me for two days—

because I bought him the wrong tool set for Christmas. He took my

car keys away—because I told him I wanted to leave.

Each of these “because” reasons was created to excuse the

narcissist’s horrible and hurtful behaviors, which were often, in fact,

emotional abuse and coercion. Keep in mind that no one should

have the right to treat you in these ways. Narcissists act the way

they do because they are narcissistic, not because of anything

you’ve done.

Experience the Feelings

When you acknowledge the harm you experienced, it brings up

unpleasant and sometimes overwhelming feelings. While you were

in the relationship with the narcissist, you felt you needed to avoid

these feelings in order to keep going. Instead, you continually

focused on the narcissist’s feelings and worked to keep things

positive, upbeat, and enjoyable for him—and for yourself. During the

time that all of those upsetting experiences were happening, it’s

likely you tried very hard to ignore how hurt you were. That denial of

your feelings kept you in the relationship, perhaps longer than was

good for you. It also kept you from really seeing, feeling, and being

aware of the reality of your abusive situation.

Task

Take some time now to acknowledge your own feelings of hurt,

pain, distress, frustration, loss, emotional injury, and whatever else

comes up for you. List your feelings as accurately and specifically as

possible. In the next chapter we’ll use that list for an exercise of

healing and repair. For now, just observe and allow those feelings to

be present. Honor each one for helping you understand and become

more fully aware of what you’ve been through. This can facilitate

your learning to appreciate your strength, loyalty, determination, and

stamina. You stayed, you worked hard, and you devoted yourself to

trying to heal and repair this relationship as long as you possibly

could. You need to respect those strengths inside yourself and your

courage to give so fully and unselfishly to another person.

OPENING TO ANGER

Anger Is Normal

Of course you’re angry. Caretakers are more willing to feel hurt

and sadness than they are anger. Anger is extremely important in

the healing process. It’s a natural response to being harmed, to

having your boundaries trampled, and to being controlled and used

by others for their own purposes. Your needs, wants, preferences,

feelings, opinions, and choices were ignored and invalidated by the

narcissist, while he discounted and stomped on your identity and

self-esteem. You should be angry.

Task

If you have a hard time accessing your anger, imagine yourself

when you were three or four years old. Find a picture of yourself at

that age and look at that sweet, open, innocent face. You are the

protector of that child who still exists inside of you. Now think of

things the narcissist said and did that hurt you, and imagine the

narcissist saying and doing these things to the child in that picture.

Are you feeling some anger coming to the surface? Do you feel a

need to protect that dear part of yourself? Let that anger feeling grow

until you can feel it clearly. Give it words. Write down what your

anger has to say about what happened.

Afterward, notice how the anger felt in your body. What words

came up? How do you feel about that little child self? What do you

want to do in the future to protect that vulnerable part of yourself?

Anger Is Motivating

Anger is an energizing emotion. It pushes you to action. It

motivates you to protect yourself and empowers you to move

yourself away from harm. Anger is nothing to be ashamed of. In your

relationship with the narcissist, you were exposed to his misplaced

and manipulative anger. That is not the kind of anger I’m talking

about here. You need to be in touch with your righteous anger.

Righteous anger is a natural response to the threat of annihilation—

which is exactly your situation.

Narcissists systematically try to merge you into a reflection of

themselves. You were supposed to think alike, feel alike, behave

alike. Your sense of self, your whole identity, was methodically being

eliminated. Anger is the appropriate and necessary response in this

situation. It’s there to safeguard your individuality, personality, and

self-esteem. By denying your anger in this relationship, you left your

self-worth open to damage. Now is the time to bring back anger into

the picture to push you toward taking better care of yourself.

BARGAINING, DELAYING, BUYING TIME

When you become aware of how you have been mistreated and

victimized, bringing your anger and hurt to the surface, it’s easy to

want to push these thoughts and feelings away and just go back to

how things were. After all, there were also many good things about

your relationship; it certainly wasn’t all bad. In fact, you may still feel

some love and caring for the narcissist. Those feelings don’t just

evaporate instantaneously. There is much that you miss because

there were also enjoyable, maybe even wonderful, times. You may

be feeling guilty that perhaps you didn’t do all you could to make the

relationship work. This is bargaining.

It’s hard to absorb this huge change in your life all at once. You

need time to evaluate, understand, look back to see things from a

new perspective. Narcissists encourage self-doubt. Your mind gets

full of “maybe . . . what if . . . if only.” Bargaining is the way we buy

time to think things through and to test whether there is any option

possible other than total relationship collapse.

This bargaining time also allows you to gain strength, learn new

skills, think through your options, get others’ opinions, build support,

and in general prepare yourself to face this new reality. It is common

to circulate through the feelings of denial, anger, and bargaining over

and over as you get accustomed to your new life situation. Gradually

the pieces put themselves together. As you consider the narcissist’s

behaviors from these new perspectives, your direction becomes

increasingly clear.

DEPRESSION

Take Time to Grieve

Grieving is deeply uncomfortable and makes it difficult for you to

want to participate in the good times that other people seem to be

having. Grief is hard to do alone and yet uncomfortable to feel or

express in normal social settings. You feel like a wet blanket. And

you’re right; many people do avoid being around others who are

depressed. In addition, you can’t force yourself to get through your

grief quicker. Therefore, much of your grieving means being alone

and often ruminating, sifting through memories, working through your

hurt and anger, and probably too much self-criticism. All of this can

be deeply painful.

Task

I recommend to my clients that they set aside a particular time

once a day or every few days to focus intently on their hurt, anger,

and worries about the ending of this relationship and relegate it to

the background at other times. This can help you feel more in control

and helps your mind attend to other things in between times.

Set aside a specified amount of time, perhaps fifteen or twenty

minutes. Bring your full attention to your experiences, concerns,

losses, and feelings. Think about just those things during this time.

Identify one specific feeling or exerpience of loss and write about it in

a journal or simply think about it deeply. Here are some questions for

direction:

What specifically have I lost?

Why is this difficult for me?

What emotional costs am I feeling as this relationship

ends?

What are the physical and financial costs for me? What can

I do about these?

What are all the feelings I’m having about this loss? (List as

many as possible, and remember they may not all be negative.)

What changes do I now have to face? Who can help me

with these changes?

What strengths do I have to deal with this situation?

What do I need to learn about myself in order to feel better?

How do I think I will feel about this loss by next year? In two

years? In five years?

What do I hope to be able to say to myself when I’m over

this loss?

These questions help you turn your losses from vague,

ambiguous, and overwhelming misery into concrete problems that

can be approached one step at a time. This approach brings your

intellect into the process to help soothe and reassure your emotional

distress.

Despair

Depression is what some have called “the dark night of the

soul.”[2] In despair, you feel that you have lost everything, and you

have no idea how you’re going to cope with all the changes and

decisions you’re facing. You believe you don’t know how to go

forward, don’t have the strength to continue, and have no direction.

You may feel hopeless and helpless. You may be tempted to rage

and storm or collapse and give up.

Despair is an incredibly disturbing experience. Yet it is

something everyone has or will encounter. It can also be a deeply

enlightening time of epiphany. When we feel at our lowest, we face

the inevitable opportunity to get through it anyway. It’s the basis of

the motto for Alcoholics Anonymous—“one day at a time.” You get

through this moment, this hour, this day, this week, this month. Each

day you find new strengths, perspectives, and possibilities. And most

of us hate every minute of it.

Amazingly, despair is a healing experience. It solidifies that the

past is melting away. It demands that you try something new—a new

thought, a new awareness, a new answer. It leads you into final

acceptance and ushers in the solutions you need.

Robbie tells of the time after her divorce when she had no job—

she had formerly worked for her husband’s company—had little

money, and was sleeping at a friend’s house on the couch. The only

thing that helped her get through the days was working on her art.

She found that it soothed her spirit and helped her feel she had

some ability to do something beautiful. As she talked to other women

who were going through losses, she shared how her collage artwork

was helping her feel better. Within a year, Robbie had posted six

videos about her work on the Internet and had the strong beginnings

of a following of people searching to heal their grief through her art

workshops.

Reach Out—Get Support

Grieving can be extremely lonely, and most of your friends and

family become tired and ready to move on well before you have

reached the end of your heartache. If you haven’t done so before,

now is the time to reach out for expert and specialized support—a

therapist, a divorce recovery group, or a spiritual adviser. Although it

can be difficult to ask for help, remind yourself that getting out of a

narcissistic relationship is a more than average traumatic

experience. It’s hard for anyone to get through it without the extra

encouragement, assistance, and real understanding from people

who are trained to recognize and treat the mystifying emotional

disability of narcissism.

This is also a good time to look deeply at the skills and tools you

may need to overcome your tendency to be a caretaker. What keeps

you so hyperaware of another person’s pain and so inattentive and

unresponsive to your own? Why are you willing to suffer and yet you

can’t stand it when others feel even the smallest disappointment? Do

you have only a few or a great many caretaking behaviors? This is a

good time to learn how to better balance your needs with those of

the ones you love.

Be Patient

Remember that grieving takes time. The time it takes you to get

through this can’t be compared to anyone else’s. Be kind to yourself

in this process. Treat yourself lovingly and with compassion. Put

aside your self-criticisms and think about how you would treat a dear

friend going through this same kind of loss. What would you say to

her or him? Say those things to yourself over and over until you truly

feel nurtured and cared for.

ACCEPTANCE

Being Present

Thinking through the experiences you’ve been through with the

narcissist can be helpful to understand the strange and crazy-making

interactions. However, hard as it may seem to pull yourself away

from the past, your life is lived in only the present. And, yes, the

present can seem too scary to face. You thought you had everything

planned and knew the direction you were going in life. Now

everything is in a jumble, and your plans have disintegrated. It takes

time to recover, get back on your feet, and formulate a new life plan.

You can do nothing about the past; it can’t be changed because,

try as you may, you can’t bring the past into the present. You now

know the narcissist is a person split into contradictory and divergent

parts. You don’t get to choose to have only the good characteristics.

You don’t get to choose how the narcissist will act, feel, or respond.

Your only choice is how you decide to deal with the narcissist in the

here and now, in this moment.

Being in the moment can give you a lot of clarity. You can be

more observant and tuned in to the actual options you have

available. You can adjust to what you’re feeling more easily. You can

evaluate your choices more effectively. Your life is about you, right

now and right here. You can create a life that fits more comfortably

with who you are now.

Accepting What Is

Acceptance occurs when you see clearly that there really is no

going back to what was. No matter what you or the narcissist do

from here on, things won’t be the same. Acceptance can bring with it

a feeling of depression at first because you’re finally and fully feeling

your loss. However, acceptance gives you the insight to move

forward and create better results. It also brings a sense of freedom

and relief when you aren’t stuck in those unproductive

persecutor/victim/rescuer behaviors with the narcissist any longer.

You can be more open and honest about what you think, feel, and

want to do. You now know that you are no longer responsible for

anything the narcissist does. You now have options that weren’t

there before.

DON’T BUILD YOUR LIFE AROUND GRIEF

Facing the truth about this relationship can release your energy and

attention to use on rebuilding your own life and sense of self-worth.

However, you can get mired down in one or more of these grief and

loss feelings for months or years if you don’t remain aware of your

goal—creating a new and better life for yourself.

Don’t Get Stuck

Too much anger can turn into resentment, bitterness, or

revenge. Or you might get locked into bargaining—especially if you

are afraid of change, continue to believe you’re responsible for the

narcissist’s feelings and actions, or expect yourself to continue

keeping promises that the narcissist has broken or rejected. If you

can’t tap into your inner strength, competence, and self-worth, you

may collapse into overwhelm and defeat. Keep aware of which

feelings you are working to heal, and notice whether you are getting

stuck in any of them. Get support and help if you don’t seem to be

moving forward.

Repression

Pretending that everything is OK, denying that you need help or

support, condemning your vulnerability, or not allowing yourself to

truly mourn your emotional injuries can all delay the healing of your

grief and pain. They can fester and burst out in anger, fear, anxiety,

or long-term depression. Then when another loss comes along in

your life, the unresolved grief of this loss can increase your

emotional reaction to that event. Working through your grief now can

give you the strength, stamina, and confidence to handle other

difficult situations in the future.

Overwhelming Shame and Guilt

Belittling yourself, criticizing and disparaging your reactions, and

judging and finding fault with yourself as you grieve will create

feelings of shame and guilt. Shame is especially debilitating and

restricts your healing process because it essentially defines your

sense of self as bad, worthless, and undeserving. The narcissist

used blame and accusation to transfer his own feelings of shame

onto you. Don’t take on this projection from the narcissist. You are

not guilty of making the narcissist say, feel, or do—anything.

FIND NEW MEANING FOR YOUR EXPERIENCES

New Understanding

The ending of any relationship can bring new understanding

about yourself and the other person. The loss of your love, hopes,

and dreams has been incredibly disappointing and discouraging.

Being able to see and understand the facts of what was going on in

the relationship can be a relief. When you see these patterns, you

have a better chance of identifying and avoiding this kind of

relationship in the future. As you recover, you’ll discover that the grief

work you have done helps you feel more grounded, sane, and

resilient.

See Your Inner Strength

As your grief resolves, you’ll find that you have a new

awareness of your inner strength. You faced situations you never

thought you could. You learned new skills and responses that have

given you a greater sense of confidence. You’re more perceptive and

savvy. You’re less often surprised and more prepared to handle

difficulties that arise. You’re more in tune with your values,

preferences, opinions, feelings, and rights. These may be strengths

that you didn’t know you had before this loss.

Increased Humbleness

You’ve also learned that you can be deeply hurt, you can’t heal

the narcissist, and you can’t do everything on your own. You’re

imperfect, you’re not invincible, and you need help from others.

You’re vulnerable, and yet the earth didn’t disintegrate. You found

out you could actually handle more than you thought. You now know

concretely how many people love you. Your life is continuing on and

—surprisingly—even getting better. Remember that a crisis includes

danger—and this has truly been a dangerous passage. It also

includes opportunity. As you emerge from your grief, you’ll see your

abilities in a new light.

Knowing your frailties and limitations and going past them builds

confidence. As you solve one challenging problem at a time, you

gain appreciation for the fact that life is difficult but can be managed.

You’ve become seasoned, experienced, less naïve, more discerning,

and compassionate toward yourself and the struggles of others.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

Which feelings of grief are you experiencing presently? Which

feelings are most challenging?

Who have you reached out to for help? Who else could you

reach out to?

If you are feeling stuck, what do you think you need to help you

move on?

What will indicate to you that you have reached acceptance?

What emotions are you becoming more comfortable with?

What have you learned about yourself in this process of grief?

What do you think you still need to learn?

What new meanings and sense of yourself are you noticing?

What strengths are you developing?

NOTES

1. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth, and David Kessler. On Grief and Grieving:

Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New

York, NY: Scribner, Reprint Edition, 2014.

2. Moore, Thomas. The Dark Night of the Soul: A Guide to Finding

Your Way Through Life’s Ordeals. New York, NY: Penguin Group,

2004.

Chapter 9

Healing Self-Esteem

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to

yourself, to who you are, here and now, and when you get there,

you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even

in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”

—Masaru Emoto

Your thoughts and judgments about yourself and your situation,

along with the resources you have available, are actually more

important than the event itself. This chapter shows you how to repair

the way you look at yourself and your situation, restore your

confidence in yourself, and regain well-being, strength, and

motivation.

HEALING YOUR DAMAGED SELF

You Are Not the Cause

You thought the narcissist was going to make your life

wonderful, and now you have found out it was just the opposite. You

can probably still remember the good times, when you felt everything

going just right and you were the sole focus of the narcissist’s

attention. That was a heady feeling—even addictive. But the

narcissist has two sides, and now you are facing the other side. You

always get both.

You did not cause the narcissist to idealize you, nor did you

cause the narcissist’s current hostility, blame, and rejection. Those

behaviors are entirely under the control of the narcissist, not you.

Stop, right now, taking any responsibility for the narcissist’s actions.

Begin paying attention to your own behaviors and focus on making

choices about what you need and want to do to make your life better.

Taking action helps you move out of the feeling of being a victim.

You Don’t Have to Be a Victim

Even though you have been victimized by the narcissist, you

don’t have to feel or act like a victim. If you change the label of victim

to the word disappointed, it’s amazing how much this changes how

you think about your current situation. When you identify yourself as

a victim, you end up feeling hopeless and helpless. You tend to

focus on only your pain, discounting your strengths and overlooking

the people who love and care about you. You feel like giving up. You

feel singled out and somehow a failure.

When you identify your feelings as disappointment, it helps you

define your situation in a way that you know you can handle. After

all, who hasn’t been disappointed? You’ve coped with

disappointments before and gotten over them. This may be a much

bigger disappointment, but really, you are just having to make

changes that you don’t like and that don’t fit with what you thought

would happen. That is disappointment. Here are some examples:

Failure Disappointment

I’m a failure at

relationships.

This relationship didn’t work out the way I expected.

No one will ever love

me again.

I’m sad that John doesn’t love me, but I know my friends

and family love me.

Here I am alone

again. What a failure.

It’s a real setback that the relationship I counted on is

over. I really didn’t want this to happen.

It is hard to rebuild your life when you see yourself as a failure. It

leaves you with no hope. On the other hand, seeing this experience

as a disappointment, inspires you to think of the bigger picture of

your life. You can see yourself more as a whole, and your

experiences are just a part of that whole. It’s easier when you

remember that there are other people who love you, care about you,

and support you. You have skills, traits, and abilities that you can use

to restore your life. Seeing this event as an unwanted change, rather

than as a disaster, can spur your creativity and problem-solving

abilities to jump in and start responding.

Give Yourself Compassion

You’re not a bad person, nor are you stupid or wrong because

this relationship has ended. Nearly 50 percent of all marriages in the

United States end in divorce. Surely you wouldn’t label every one of

those people as negatively as you’re labeling yourself.

You’ll improve your self-esteem immeasurably by being more

compassionate toward yourself. Talk with yourself the way you would

to your dearest friend if she or he were going through this same

experience. What would you say to ease the pain? What words of

encouragement would you give? You wouldn’t be threatening,

accusing, blaming, or self-righteous. Stop all these forms of self-

judgment. Negative self-attacks are leftover repeats of what the

narcissist has said to you. Letting go of the narcissist includes letting

go of his invalidations and consciously choosing to treat yourself in a

more loving and considerate manner.

Soothe Your Body

Underlying your grief are body sensations and raw emotions

that actually cause pain, fatigue, low energy, and apathy. When you

go through a wrenching experience, your body can become achy,

tense, and jumpy, making it difficult to eat, sleep restfully, or recover

from feeling continually exhausted. If you don’t take care of your

body’s responses to all these stresses, it can become vulnerable to

migraines, intestinal upsets, backaches, and even more serious

ailments, such as autoimmune responses and depression.

Don’t overlook good physical care. Identify your favorite, healthy

foods and make sure you always have them on hand. If you’re

feeling angry, hard, crunchy foods can help you feel better. If you are

hurting or feeling low, soft, smooth foods can be comforting.

Consciously consider the foods you are eating and choose ones that

make you feel good. Linda lived on shrimp for a month after her

divorce. Henry chewed through two pounds of carrots and said it

honestly helped relieve his anger. Be aware of high sugar foods,

though, as they can lead to mood swings, which make you feel

worse by throwing your body’s insulin levels into chaos.

Get adequate sleep. Keep regular sleep times and have a

soothing routine before bed. Even try rearranging your bedroom or

get rid of the bed you shared with the narcissist if old memories keep

you awake. Listen to quiet music, read, or journal. Don’t spend time

right before bed doing anything that will bring up thoughts of anger

about the narcissist or fears about your future.

Spend time on regular relaxing routines for your body—get a

massage, spend time in a hot tub or sauna, take a hatha yoga class,

take time to stretch your muscles several times a day. Anger, fear,

and sadness all tend to trigger muscles to tense. When you are

tense, your blood flow is compromised, and you’ll have trouble

thinking and will tire more easily.

Exercise is one of the cheapest and most effective ways to deal

with depression, anxiety, and worry. Any time your body is moving,

stretching, and active, you’ll feel more capable, hopeful, confident,

and less pessimistic. Find a form of exercise you particularly like.

Going to a class or having someone to exercise with can help

motivate you to keep at it. You need your body and mind to function

as well as possible as you face these changes and make decisions

about what to do next in your life. Unfortunately, when you feel the

worst, it can be the hardest time to treat yourself with kindness and

compassion. You may think you’re too tired to exercise, but take it

slowly and move your body any way you can—even just a walk

around the block. As you feel better physically, you’ll also feel better

mentally and emotionally. When you take good care of your body,

your brain registers that you are worthy, valuable, and important.

This is a good start to enhancing your self-esteem.

Reach Out to Others

A big part of self-esteem is based on the way friends and loved

ones act toward you. How they treat you, describe you, and interact

with you can have a great effect on how you feel about yourself.

Because you have just come out of a relationship that was

extensively based on the narcissist’s warped and hostile view of you,

it’s essential that you get feedback about who you are from more

emotionally healthy people.

Task

Think about which of your friends, family, and acquaintances are

the most objective, realistic, and overall kind, and reach out to them.

Spend time with them. Notice how they treat you and how you feel

around them. If you’ve got the courage, ask some of them for

feedback about how they see you. Have them write down the

qualities and traits that they see in you. You could also ask for a list

of your strengths and even a list of the things you need to develop,

correct, or learn to handle better. Oftentimes, the people who love

and care about you are just waiting for a sign from you that you’d be

receptive to their assistance and support.

You may think you don’t need a support group, that what you

are going through is private and you can or should be able to do it on

your own. However, we humans need each other for support and

emotional tending when we go through difficult and painful

experiences. Exclusion, shunning, and solitary confinement are the

most powerful punishments there are for humans. You’ve been too

isolated. To heal, you need to be around people. Being socially

connected to other people builds up your self-esteem. When you’re

around people who accept and appreciate you, your healing will

move along more quickly.

Self-Encouragement

The narcissist continually spent time telling you what you didn’t

do right, and it’s likely that those messages are still playing in your

mind. It takes conscious effort and attention to change these

messages. You can’t just push them away. You have to actively

dislodge them with positive encouragement and reassurance. It

always feels good when others are the ones giving you that

encouragement, but someone can’t always be by your side. You’re

the only person who is always there, so you’re the best one to take

on the role of encourager.

When you’re afraid, discouraged, and feeling alone, it can be

difficult to face all of the changes and losses you’re experiencing.

The next step is to figure out what feelings you would like to have

instead and then develop the strength to realize them. That strength

is fostered primarily by your own self-encouragement and advocacy.

What you say to yourself is vitally important. You may not have been

paying much attention to your own inner monologue, so start noticing

now how you talk to yourself.

Do you talk to yourself as you, for example, “you should, you

can’t, you are”? This will create a sense of discouragement. It feels

like someone outside of yourself passing judgment or controlling

you. By making two small changes, you can start increasing your

self-esteem and courage. Change “you” to “I” and make the action

positive instead of negative. Start saying “I want, I can, I am.” Here

are some examples:

Discouraging Encouraging

You have to make the bed. I want to enjoy a clean house so I’m going to

make the bed.

You should make that call

to Ted.

I want to get this call over with so I can relax.

You can’t get all of this

done.

I can take one thing at a time.

You know you are likely to

fail.

I can give this a try.

You are so stupid. I am capable of doing what I need to do.

You are a loser. I’m kind and considerate.

Changing what you say to yourself and how you treat yourself is

the quickest way to grow your self-esteem.

Give Yourself Time

Healing a damaged self-esteem takes time and effort. The

longer you were in the relationship with the narcissist, the longer it

may take. Emotional and psychological change isn’t a quick fix. Just

like building muscle strength, it takes practice to change these old

habits and internal messages. Think about building your inner self-

encourager the same way you see going to the gym to build your

body. Get into a routine. With consistent effort and attention, the

results will be well worth the effort.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What feels different when you say “I’m a victim” versus saying “I’m

disappointed”?

How do you give yourself compassion? Who else is

compassionate toward you?

How are you nurturing and healing your body? What else could

you do that would be healing?

What challenges do you face when reaching out to others?

What are your most comforting self-encouragement statements?

Talk to yourself from “I” rather than “you.” What do you notice?

Practice making a positive statement to yourself instead of a

negative one. How does that feel?

Chapter 10

Rebuilding Self-Conﬁdence

“Spending too much time focused on others’ strengths leaves us

feeling weak. Focusing on our own strengths is what, in fact,

makes us strong.”

—Simon Sinek, author of Start with Why

Self-confidence helps you have the strength and courage to

tackle all the changes you are now facing in your life. When you’re

fearful and unsure of yourself, it’s much more difficult to make the

strong, positive decisions you need to make.

Self-confidence is rebuilt by changing your actions and attitudes.

Having new, positive experiences helps neutralize old, bad

experiences. It helps to identify your strengths, go back to doing

things you love, and have an enthusiastic support team. You’ll

probably need to learn some new skills as well. As you take well-

thought-out risks and are successful, you’ll become more self-

assured. However, taking risks requires that you have a positive and

hopeful attitude to motivate you.

Call On Your Inner Strengths

Healing your self-esteem and rebuilding your emotional strength

creates the self-confidence you need to take the risks to move

ahead. To do that, you need to tune in again to the abilities you

already have. Here’s an exercise that will help.

Task

Make a list of your strengths and talents. Recall your childhood

and adolescence and remember things you learned to do then; add

them to the list. Include interpersonal abilities, such as being a good

friend, loyalty, caring, and helpfulness, as well as concrete skills,

such as good cook, handles finances well, good organizer. These

don’t have to be things you are excellent or perfect at doing—just

things you are capable of doing. Now, make a list of things you’ve

liked and enjoyed doing over your lifetime. Again, these don’t have to

be things you are good at. Notice where the two lists overlap. These

are your strengths.

Add to these lists whenever you notice new interests and

abilities. Acknowledging these strengths will help you be more

courageous, capable, and able to handle difficult situations. Keep it

posted somewhere as a continual reminder of who you are and what

you have to offer to others, to your friends and family, and to the

world. It may be easier to see your faults or failings, but focusing on

those right now won’t help you make headway in your healing. Keep

your attention on the positives, and your confidence will grow.

Marie’s list of strengths included makes friends easily, caring

and helpful, former hairdresser, and good at sales. Her list of the

things she liked included helping others, loves dogs, enjoys talking

with people, and likes to be busy. There were other things on her list,

but these were the items that came together for her when she was

trying to figure out what to do with her life. She had just gotten

divorced, and after being out of the workforce for over a decade

raising her kids, she needed to find a job. She spent several months

feeling depressed and lost. She didn’t want to go back to being a

beautician—too many hassles working with people who were touchy

about how they looked. After making her list, Marie realized that her

love of dogs and enjoyment of cutting hair could cross paths. She

went to dog grooming school and is now delighted with her new job

working with dogs and talking with their owners in a small dog

grooming salon just down the block from her own home.

Give Yourself Credit

It also helps your self-confidence to tell others about your

successes and what feels good about your accomplishments. This

gives you the opportunity to receive encouragement and support.

Reciting the incident and how you handled it also helps you anchor it

in your memory. Instead of mulling over past upsetting events with

the narcissist, take time to deliberate on your successes, your

courage, and your perseverance. Keeping track of your past and

present accomplishments helps you feel braver and stronger and

gives you more self-assurance for the next new encounter.

People who have caretaker tendencies often find it

uncomfortable to share their successes with others, despite the

benefits, because they believe they’re bragging or begging for

attention, just like the narcissist. However, the narcissist never feels

shy about sharing his successes—so this is quite different. You

deserve to get credit and support from others, and it helps balance

all the support, encouragement, and optimism you give to them.

Give Yourself Encouragement

Your attitude, thoughts, and self-talk have a significant influence

on your self-confidence. Remember, the Little Engine That Could

kept saying to himself “I think I can. I think I can.” There are a

multitude of tasks and decisions facing you as this relationship ends.

You can face them with fear, anxiety, and the belief that your life is

collapsing and unrepairable, or you can identify what needs to be

done, ask for help, and take each problem one at a time. When you

encourage yourself, you’ll be less afraid. Remind yourself that

hundreds of thousands of people dissolve relationships every year;

you are not alone. You can get assistance, and you will get through

this experience. Even if you can take only one step each day, you’re

still advancing.

Collect a Group of Supporters

Feeling support from others may be something you haven’t

experienced in a while. You’re good at supporting others, but you

may not feel comfortable asking for support or trusting others to give

it. The narcissist said he was being supportive, but it felt like—and

was—stressful, tiring, and hurtful, so you may have forgotten what

support feels like.

Choosing healthy, generous friends for emotional support in

your day-to-day life is entirely different than relying on a narcissist.

Good friends can provide wonderful reassurance even when all

you’re doing is going out to lunch or playing a game of tennis. It’s

hard to be self-confident all by yourself. Having a group of caring and

compassionate people in your life is encouraging and energizing.

Joining a support group where you can hear about and share

experiences can also be validating and reassuring. Pick a group led

by a professional who understands narcissists and can provide you

with ideas about how to rebuild and strengthen your sense of self.

Yes, you may be facing this situation alone, but knowing there

are people rooting for you and believing in you can add

tremendously to your self-assurance.

Learn the Art of Reciprocity

The narcissist overvalued what he gave and undervalued what

you gave. Your response was to keep giving and giving. As a result,

your ability to tell whether there is a fair give-and-take is probably

faulty. You may need to learn how to tell when things are mutually

beneficial so you can wean yourself away from your old habits of

excessive giving. One way to do that is to start keeping track of what

you’re giving and receiving, even though you may feel uncomfortable

and selfish doing it at first. Here’s an exercise to help you recalibrate

your inner reciprocity calculator. With practice, it’ll become more

automatic. It’s actually pretty simple.

Task

Start by giving time or attention to someone, and then wait until

he or she gives you something of similar value before you give

again. You’re taking nothing away from the other person; you just

aren’t giving too much to start with. Keep track of what you receive

from the other person, and really consider its value to you.

This exercise has two benefits. First, you pay closer attention

and acknowledge what you have received, which usually feels very

good. Second, you stay constantly in tune with your feelings about

the relationship. Therefore, you know very quickly when or if the

relationship starts feeling unbalanced. Instead of giving too much

and then feeling hurt, anger, and resentment, the imbalance can be

addressed swiftly—and usually more easily—right away.

For example, you want to reach out to someone you think might

be a possible friend. You invite this person to lunch. If you have a

good time, you say so and wait for an invitation back. You don’t

initiate three or four more invitations to show your interest. When you

overgive at the beginning, you set a precedent for that to continue.

It’s also helpful to notice whether the other person is overgiving to

you and how that feels. Usually it feels like an obligation or pressure.

Reciprocal relationships have a balance of investment and interest.

You feel more self-confidence because that balance feels supportive

and reassuring.

Learn New Skills

Real self-confidence is built on knowing that you can handle

both new and familiar situations effectively. It grows when you learn

new skills that expand your repertoire of successful responses. It can

take braveness to acknowledge that there is something you don’t

know but would like to learn. However, being open and willing to face

new information and do new things could ultimately change many

things in your life for the better. Instead of being an expert, you’re the

beginner. Although it takes some self-confidence to try something

new, it can build even more self-confidence.

Anything new that you learn to do helps your confidence. Pick

things you think would be fun, useful, and interesting. The added

benefit of pursuing your own interests is that you meet new people

along the way who like those same activities. Don’t wait to match

someone else’s interests. Follow your own, and see who shows up.

Take On New Challenges

When you only do what you’ve always done, you’ll only get what

you’ve always gotten. If you want to move forward and grow in your

life, you’ll need to take on new challenges. If you start by learning a

new skill, the challenges automatically appear one step at a time.

Remember, you get to set the pace of your life now. The narcissist is

no longer demanding or cajoling you to go at his speed and only in

his direction. Choosing can be a little scary, but it can also be

invigorating. Meeting new challenges develops new strengths and

increases self-confidence. When you know that you can handle

whatever comes along, you’ve rebuilt your self-confidence.

Task

Name a challenge you have faced, identify the strength you

used to handle it, and write it down in a notebook. Remember how

you felt going into the challenge, and reflect on how you felt after it

was over. Sometimes, just having the courage to face a new and

difficult situation—no matter how it turns out—is the

accomplishment. Don’t get sidetracked with whether you got entirely

what you wanted or you did it perfectly; give yourself credit for what

you learned and whatever you were able to do. Every step is an

achievement, and when added to every other step, your confidence

grows.

CONCLUSION

Increasing your self-confidence starts with your acknowledging and

giving yourself credit for the inner strengths you already have. Add to

that encouragement and support from others, and you feel your

confidence and self-assurance grow. The ability to balance the give-

and-take in your relationships helps you feel secure enough to reach

out to learn new skills and take on new challenges.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What are your current strengths? How can they help you face the

new changes in your life?

What are your top ten talents and abilities?

What interests have you forgotten about that you might pursue

again?

What encouraging statements can you use to motivate yourself

to try new experiences?

Who are your supporters? Who would you like to add?

What help do you need from others? Who could you ask? What

is stopping you from asking?

What imbalances do you see in how much you give and receive

from others?

What new skills would you like to learn?

What new challenge are you ready for?

Chapter 11

Loving Your

Self

“Our entire life . . . consists ultimately in accepting ourselves as

we are.”

—Jean Anouih, French dramatist

Whenever a significant relationship ends or radically changes, it

pulls up old memories, self-judgments, and a need to look at your life

from a new perspective. It gives you a chance to know yourself more

deeply—both your strengths and imperfections—and it challenges

you to greater self-acceptance. When you truly know who you are

and love yourself fully, you become stronger and are more willing to

be open and vulnerable. Your self-esteem and self-confidence

expand, and your overall life improves. And, surprisingly, your

compassion and willingness to share your life with others also

expands.

KNOW YOURSELF

A crisis such as you have been experiencing is jarring to your

continuity of self. Ordinarily you go along in your life thinking you

know yourself, know what you want and what you value. When a

significant relationship ends, it’s like an earthquake shaking up your

assumptions and habits. Nothing looks quite the same and nothing

feels the same. What you thought you knew about yourself becomes

confused and challenged. There are new reactions, information, and

demands to make new decisions.

Embrace Your Emotional Growth

Change precipitates emotional growth. Little change happens

when life is going along happily and calmly. In fact, most people

don’t actually like change. Advertisements disguise change by

describing it as “newer and better” because we humans usually

resist change, especially if it comes suddenly and not of our own

choosing.

However, life, people, and circumstances are always changing.

Psychological growth is often stimulated by changes that happen

around and to you. If you can urge yourself to think of the change

that is going on right now in your life as an opportunity for insight,

growth, and personal understanding instead of as a disaster, you’ll

find that you can use this time to move forward spiritually and

emotionally and you’ll heal more quickly.

Task

Get out your journal and spend some time answering these

questions. What are you learning that is truly important to you? How

have your priorities changed or become more clear? Have you had

emotional reactions that were surprising or new to you? What did

these reactions tell you about yourself? What changes in your

opinions or beliefs have you noticed? What were you previously sure

about but now are questioning? What have you learned about your

friends that you didn’t know before? What decisions are you

reevaluating, for example, choices about work, where you live, what

activities you select, and how you interact with your children or

parents?

You can face these changes with fear or with excitement, with

dread or with curiosity. Notice what you’re feeling, and be kind and

gentle with yourself as you confront all these adjustments. Don’t

force yourself to be more positive about them than you feel.

However, don’t get overwhelmed with a vision of disaster. Check

your feelings throughout the day. You’ll notice that they change back

and forth quite a bit.

Observe Without Judgment

You’ll learn the most about yourself and heal more rapidly if you

keep in mind to make no judgment. You can use all this new

information for your benefit if you observe without judging whether

things are right or wrong, good or bad, likeable or not. Judgment

stops curiosity and investigation. Just collect information; don’t do a

lot of analyzing or criticizing. This is a time to weigh and consider.

Task

Questions for your journal: What new thoughts and actions do

you notice in yourself? How are these changing and affecting how

you act and feel? Notice how others react. Give yourself time to

review and contemplate what you’re learning. What new preferences

do you notice? What do you want to encourage in yourself? What

criticisms sneak in?

Criticism, negative labels, and disapproval stop the learning

process and move your brain into pain and survival modes. Being

calm and relaxed encourages the collection of new information and

better understanding. The end of a relationship requires that you

adapt quickly to changed circumstances. It helps to remind yourself

that you’re always doing the best you can at the moment. Give

yourself credit for this.

Notice Your Preferences

Living with a narcissist squashes your awareness of your own

likes, dislikes, and preferences. You learned after a while that the

narcissist wasn’t going to pay attention to what you wanted anyway,

so why bother to figure it out. Therefore, you may find yourself

shocked and surprised that now there are tons of decision

possibilities and you don’t know what you want. What restaurants do

you like? What activities? What style of decorating? What color of

dishes? Which friends are really your friends? How do you like to

spend your free time? What do you like to eat?

There are other more serious choices to be made as well, and

you may not yet know what you want to do about those. The

narcissist can pressure you to make decisions quickly about

finances, joint property, and the children. Try to put off any decision

that doesn’t absolutely have to be made immediately. Even taking a

day or a week to let yourself think about it will help. Once you know

the relationship has ended, stop trying to figure out what the

narcissist wants. This only confuses and delays your process of

determining what is best for you. Your time and energy are better

spent on determining what you want.

Making New Choices

You have a lot of new choices facing you. If you feel unsure of

your wants and needs, talk about your options with people you trust

not to pressure you with their own preferences and wishes. A good

support person will listen, point out the positive and negative

possibilities, and ask you lots of questions about how you feel. Let

yourself enjoy the freedom of choosing for yourself. Take your time;

notice choices that bring you enjoyment and those that don’t work

out. Don’t condemn yourself for choices that you disliked; just make

different ones the next time. Remember to look at everything as

information, rather than an evaluation of yourself.

There will also be things you have to deal with that you don’t

choose. You may not get all the belongings you wanted or the exact

schedule with your children that you preferred, or you find certain

friends you counted on are no longer available. That doesn’t mean

you don’t have choices. One of the most important choices you have

to make is how you’ll handle situations you don’t like. Avoid seeing

this as a win/lose situation with the narcissist.

You don’t lose just because you don’t get what you preferred.

You lose when you collapse and feel devastated by it. When you let

yourself feel defeated by the narcissist, you’re moving back into the

victim role. You essentially give up your choice about how you’ll think

and feel to the narcissist’s control. Hold on to your right to control

your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Go back to your values

and your own life goals, and move toward them. That will take you

out of the narcissist’s control, and you’ll find yourself more grounded

and strong.

ACCEPT YOURSELF JUST AS YOU ARE

Observing without judgment leads you to self-acceptance. Emotional

growth occurs as the result of encouragement, not censure or

disparagement. It’s easy to accept your positive and likeable parts.

The real challenge is accepting all the parts of yourself, including the

thoughts, feelings, and actions you don’t like or you find

embarrassing or that make you feel vulnerable. Condemnation of

any part of yourself increases tension, anxiety, and procrastination.

This makes change much more difficult.

Acknowledge and Accept

Acceptance does not mean that you necessarily like a certain

attitude or action; it means you acknowledge it’s there without

condemnation or self-rejection. No one is perfect, nor should you

expect to be. When you accept your imperfections and shortcomings

without panic or shame, it is easier to make changes, whereas

hating parts of yourself eventually leads to hating the whole self.

Much of the pain from ending a relationship is due to the belief

that somehow there was something wrong with you. Self-acceptance

is exactly what the narcissist cannot do. His less than perfect parts

are so horrifying to him that he has to wall them off, disown them,

and project them onto you. You’ve seen and felt the results of that

method.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not perfect, but no one

is. Anyone who loves you will accept all of you. That means that to

truly love yourself you will also have to find a way to accept all of

you.

Self-Compassion

A willingness to see all of your strengths and vulnerabilities

opens the door to self-compassion. You begin by applying your

ability for caring, love, kindness, generosity, and deep empathy to

yourself to heal your fears, anxieties, and loneliness. Self-

compassion is a process of being your own best friend. You listen to

your wishes, you care about your feelings, and you try to understand

your wants. You care deeply and lovingly for yourself. You protect

yourself. You appreciate yourself. You gently guide yourself without

harsh criticism. This may take some practice and self-reminders, but

the results are so enjoyable that you’ll become a fan.

Self-acceptance and compassion can also shield you from the

negative judgments of others, because now you own the right and

the power to see and accept who you are. When you know and

accept yourself, there will no longer be any fear that others will see

something objectionable in you that you don’t know about. Nor can

anyone ever lie to you again about who you are because you know

deeply the truth of yourself. You are more resilient. In addition, self-

compassion ultimately frees your loving energy to expand beyond

yourself to others.

Self-Encouragement

It is an entirely mistaken belief that criticism, punishment, and

rejection make anyone a better person. Studies in classrooms show

repeatedly that learning increases when teachers express

encouragement, not disapproval.[1] You’re probably good at

encouraging others, but you may not be good at encouraging

yourself. As long as you encourage others and not yourself, your

self-esteem will be in jeopardy.

When you criticize other people for their negative behaviors

toward you, it also decreases your own self-esteem. Criticizing

others is actually a tricky way of being critical of yourself. For

example, when you focus on the lies, cheating, ridicule, or

selfishness of the narcissist toward you, there is an underlying subtle

implication that you are unworthy, a loser, and/or powerless. It’s also

important to neutralize those devious self-attacks with self-

empowerment statements.

Task

Use self-encouragement to take the place of self-criticism. Each

time you notice yourself being critical of yourself or of others, turn the

thought into an encouragement statement. Here are some examples:

Critical Encouragement

I’m too fat. I can get into better shape.

I’m always anxious and

afraid.

I am willing to support and protect myself.

What’s wrong with me? I’m OK just the way I am.

She is so mean. I don’t like what she’s doing. I can choose to stay

away from her.

She says such lies

about me.

I know the truth about who I am.

He doesn’t love me

anymore.

I know and love myself.

I can’t possibly do that. I have the courage to face new situations.

Notice that each of the encouragement statements is also an

assertion of power and choice. The statement identifies who you are

and what you can and are willing to do to take care of yourself. They

are action statements. They give you direction and remind you of

your path to feeling better.

Take the Pressure Oﬀ

No one likes feeling angry or hurt, and of course, you want to

get over those feelings as quickly as possible. However, grief and

healing take time—always more time than anyone wishes. Putting

pressure on yourself to “get over it” or judging yourself for “taking too

long” to heal just adds more stress and pressure, which slows down

your healing. Take the pressure off yourself to meet any sort of

timetable of grief and recovery. Accept that you are getting through

this the best you can.

However, if you see that you are burdening your friends and

family too much or you are feeling stuck in particularly strong

feelings of grief or pain, it’s a good time to consider working with a

therapist. Often, the insight of a neutral, yet caring, professional can

give you the boost you need. Find a therapist who is familiar with

narcissism so you can get the most helpful information about how to

deal with the narcissist in the present as well as insight and

understanding about what you need to do to quit caretaking.

You Always Do the Best You Can

This statement can be difficult for many people to accept. It is

based on the premise that in each moment you’ll pick the best

response you know at that point in time. Later, you may see a better

option, but you can’t take what you know now and send it into the

past to change things. And you don’t need to judge yourself for not

knowing then what you know now or not knowing now what you’ll

know in the future. Life is a continuing transformation. Your ability to

know and choose wisely increases moment to moment. At any one

time what you say or do leads you to the next moment. If you wish

you’d said or done something else, that insight can lead you to new

learning and progress, so there is no need for self-criticism.

Congratulate yourself on seeing that the choice didn’t work or wasn’t

productive. Take the next opportunity to make a new choice that

works better. This is awareness, and every moment of awareness is

a moment of being alive and healing.

However, beware of people who constantly use the phrase “I did

the best I could” as an excuse not to be responsible for their actions

and who make no effort to be mindful and growing. We’re always

responsible for our own actions. If you are thoughtless or hurtful

toward someone and you don’t repair it, you’re only doing the best

that you are willing to do.

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

You Are Important

Caretakers can find it hard to value themselves as important. In

actuality, you’re the most important person in your life. It is

necessary for your self-esteem and healing to enthusiastically

respond to your own thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. Doing so

is your number one job in life. If you don’t take care of yourself, the

only alternative is that you expect someone else to take care of you.

When you’re important to yourself, you’re valuing your

uniqueness and contributions to others. That’s not the same kind of

importance the narcissist is giving himself. Narcissists want to be

more important than anyone else. I’m suggesting that you appreciate

your value and expect others around you to also respect and

appreciate your value.

Knowing yourself and valuing who you are sets a standard that

is communicated in your attitude, body language, and reactions to

others. You’re well aware that just a look from the narcissist lets you

know what he expects to put up with. That’s the same for you as

well. What you believe about yourself and how you expect to be

treated is also sent out to others in your facial expressions and body

language. Your expectations and self-esteem are instantly

transmitted to others by the ways you interact. When you value

yourself, others get the message.

You Have the Right to Make New Choices

Have you ever wondered how you got here? Your life has

evolved into what it is because of every thought, action, and choice

you have made in response to the events and information you have

experienced. It is important to remember that you are making new

choices every single day and your choices can always change as

new events and options occur. If you believe you have to stick with

the first choice you ever made about something, you can really feel

disheartened. Just about every choice in life can be rechosen, and

you deserve as much as anyone else to choose the people, places,

and activities that give you joy.

The more consciously aware you are about your choices, the

more successful those choices will be. A lot goes in to making a

choice that fits who you truly are. Thoughts, feelings, information,

values, expectations, and goals all need to be included in the

process. Too often it is just simpler and quicker to focus on only one

or two of these components rather than take the time to fully

evaluate what will bring you closer to what you’re hoping for. This is

a good time to reevaluate your past choices and see whether they

are still serving you and moving you toward your life goals.

Values and Decisions

You’ll find yourself happier when your day-to-day life reflects

your deepest held values. Part of the way you truly know yourself is

by being consciously in touch with what you find significant and

important in life.

Task

Do you know what is especially important to you? Take some

time to make a list of what you value. However, I want to suggest a

new way to do that list. Usually, people list things such as love,

honesty, happiness, and relationships, but these are huge, vague

categories and aren’t much help in figuring out life goals or making

particular decisions. Go ahead and make your general list, but then

take each category and list specific things that are important to you.

Here are some examples:

General

category

Specifics

Love I feel loved when:

My feelings are considered by others

When someone is willing to help

I receive daily kindnesses, such as a cup of coffee, encouraging

words, or a hug

Honesty I feel someone is being honest when:

Information is volunteered

I feel my well-being is kept in mind

I experience others keeping their word

Making your list specific enables you to know when these values

are actually happening in your interactions. You can then tell whether

your relationships are embodying your ethics and yearnings and

moving toward your hopes and life goals. A specific list also gives

you guidelines to follow. Using your values gives you higher-quality

decisions and a greater sense of control, satisfaction, and comfort.

Quit Giving In to Make Other People Happy

It is honestly not your job to make other people happy. Anyway,

it’s also impossible to actually make anyone else happy. Yes, you

can offer joy and pleasure to others through your actions, but it is

entirely up to them whether they can or will accept what you are

giving. It’s an amazing consequence that when you make a happy

life for yourself, the people around you also tend to be happy people.

Start from the center—happiness in yourself—and work outward

sharing your happiness with others. People who refuse or reject that

gift are automatically people who don’t fit in with your values, life

goals, and character. Let them go, and move on to those who gladly

accept what you have to offer.

Stop Caring About Other People’s Opinions

Acknowledging all the parts of yourself—things you like and

don’t like, your competent as well as your fearful and weak parts,

your loving and kind as well as your selfish parts—creates the

foundation for becoming immune to the narcissist’s manipulations.

When you accept who you are completely, no one else’s opinion of

you is more valuable than your opinion of yourself. Critical remarks,

lies, and insults no longer produce the searing pain they once did.

You can then listen to complaints or comments about your behavior

calmly while considering the merits of the information and the person

delivering them. You are then the final judge of who you are.

When you know and accept yourself fully, then negative remarks

and opinions from others no longer trigger self-attacks but can

simply be used as information about the situation and the person

saying them. Knowing yourself and your values creates a core of

true strength and steadfastness. You’re no longer easily buffeted by

the changing and varying opinions of others. Your encircling group of

family and friends gives you the courage to ignore the hurtful

comments and anger from strangers and self-serving antagonists.

There is a greater sense of confidence and composure when you

reach this point.

SHARE WHO YOU ARE

Share Your Talents

One of the best ways to love and validate yourself is to share

your talents and abilities with others. The appreciation you receive

from people who get the benefit of your skills and gifts can go a long

way toward healing your wounded self-esteem. When you contribute

to the learning and betterment of someone else’s life, you’ll find that

your old caretaking behaviors of giving advice and fixing other

people’s problems will more easily dissipate.

Identify what you want to share with others. This can be a huge

step in valuing yourself. Decide how much time and energy you want

to give, and then enjoy the giving. Do only what you truly like to do

and only as long as it feels good to you to give it. The moment you

trigger your sense of drudgery or resentment—stop. Keep in the

spirit of giving rather than obligation.

Share Your Experiences

Let people know who you are. Share information about where

you have lived, places you have traveled, stories from your past,

events you’ve experienced, people you’ve known, things you like to

do, and topics you find interesting. You are valuable and important,

and the experiences you have had are interesting. When you’ve

lived in the shadow of a narcissist, you can lose the awareness that

you are equally interesting and worthy of being seen and heard. It

may take courage at first to put yourself forward and share who you

are, but it will significantly increase your self-esteem.

Share Yourself and Your Life Experiences

You are a combination of what you think, feel, do, and find

curious and interesting. The most delightful and easy-to-be-around

people are those who share about themselves without hostility or

self-criticism and without boastfulness and superiority. If you keep

your thoughts, feelings, and experiences overly safeguarded, others

won’t feel at ease or emotionally safe around you, fearing that you’re

secretly hiding something or making judgments about them. The

narcissist wanted you to be invisible and your life with him concealed

to protect his own image and secrets. The experience of emotional

concealment can make you feel that there is something wrong with

you. As you open up and just share ordinary thoughts and feelings

with others, you will find a sense of freedom and a feeling of being

OK just the way you are.

LOVE YOURSELF

Loving yourself comes from a mixture of knowing and accepting

yourself, actively being compassionate and encouraging to yourself,

following your values, and pursuing the life you really want. When

you let go of trying to please others and just share your unique

abilities and talents, you find that you feel more free, valued, and

happy. As you appreciate and love yourself, you’ll more easily move

toward a life that fulfills you.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

How aware of your feelings are you from day to day? Are there any

feelings that you particularly try to avoid?

How much do you criticize yourself? Take a five-minute count of

the number of critical messages you give yourself. What did you

notice?

What are the favorite things you like to do?

What behaviors, traits, or feelings in yourself do you believe are

unacceptable?

Pick three encouraging statements to keep in mind as you go

through the next week. Notice how you feel after saying them to

yourself.

Do you believe that you always do the best you can? If not, why

not?

How have you not been true to yourself? Are you being true to

yourself now?

Which of your values have you been ignoring? What changes

do you want to make about this?

How much do other people’s opinions and judgments about you

matter?

What talents, abilities, and experiences do you feel you are

ready to share with others?

NOTES

1. Schaps, Eric. “The Role of Supportive School Environments in

Promoting Academic Success,” Center for the Collaborative

Classroom at https://www

.collaborativeclassroom.org/research-articles-and-papers-the-role-of

-supportive-school-environments-in-promoting-academic-success.

Empowerment

Chapter 12

Building Resilience

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking

because her trust is not in the branch but in her wings.”

—Author unknown

Resilience is your ability to bounce back from hurtful, abusive, or

disappointing events. You are in the process of increasing your

resilience through the healing that you are doing now. Your level of

self-respect, self-worth, ethical principles, and ability to effectively

stand up for yourself all contribute to emotional resilience.

SELF-RESPECT

You Are Worthy

Feeling worthy doesn’t mean that you’re better than anyone

else. It means that you value yourself as worthwhile to care about,

care for, and protect. It also means that you take yourself and your

needs seriously and you give them value and importance in your life.

Without a sense of self-worth, you cannot tune in effectively to your

own strengths, power, and rights, nor can you pay attention

appropriately to your own needs or protect yourself. Your tendency

to always put the needs of others before your own, without expecting

and insisting that your needs be responded to, diminished your own

sense of self-worth and made you vulnerable to manipulation and

control. The needs of others are important, but so are yours. A

healthy balance is needed for emotional well-being.

People will typically respect you at the level you allow,

encourage, and expect. Notice how the people who honestly love

you act toward you. How does it feel? Use this to give you valuable

information about your sense of self-worth. Notice too if your internal

self-messages are positive and encouraging, or if they are

demeaning and disrespectful. If you think of yourself as unimportant,

powerless, incapable, or a failure, you’re setting the stage for others

to also think and act toward you as if these things are actually true.

Task

Take a moment to make a list of things you find worthwhile

about yourself. If you can’t fill a page, you need to look deeper or ask

others to help; then continue building that list. Then every time you’re

feeling critical and disheartened about yourself, read the list out loud

to yourself as a reminder of your tangible worth in the world.

You could expand on this by asking each of your trusted friends,

colleagues, and family members to write one thing that is worthwhile

about you on a slip of paper, fold it, and give it to you. Don’t look at it

right away. Collect all the comments in a jar or envelope and then sit

down alone and read them one by one. Because you probably won’t

know who wrote which one, it will be harder to discount the

information. These are tangible descriptions of yourself that are

recognized by others. Let them sink in.

Be Self-Responsive

How willing are you to respond to your own feelings, needs, and

wants? When you ignore your own emotional self-care, you’re

showing an indifferent and disrespectful attitude toward your own

well-being. Caring responses include asking others for help, taking

good physical care of yourself, caring for your emotional needs,

speaking your thoughts and feelings, and being as sympathetic to

your own choices as you are to the choices of others. As an adult,

you’re responsible to do these things for yourself. If you don’t show

an interest in taking care of your needs, it conveys the message that

someone should do it for you, which typically attracts controlling and

dominating people.

Speak Up for Yourself

Speaking out about what you think, want, and choose to do is

essential for appropriate self-respect. If you’re not speaking your

truth, then you’re not really present and participating fully in your life

and in the world. You don’t have to be bossy about it. Just give your

opinions and preferences when others are doing so. Instead of

always deferring to others, stand up and campaign for what you want

to do at least some of the time.

Others may comment on your change of behavior. Don’t worry.

People who see you and like you will actually be delighted to hear

from you. When others know what you think, feel, and want, they are

actually more comfortable around you because they know what to

expect. They’ll feel that you truly care and are more of a participant

in the relationship and less of an observer. It actually brings you

closer to others as they get to know you better.

EMBRACE YOUR ETHICAL PRINCIPLES

Follow Your Moral Compass

Everyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist has

lied, given in, or covered up the narcissist’s bad or offensive

behaviors to keep the relationship going. Going against your

principles and what you feel is right is demoralizing to your self-

respect and drains your inner strength and personal power. If you

don’t feel good about what you’re doing, you won’t feel good about

yourself. When you make excuses for the narcissist, it eats away at

your self-esteem.

Now is a good time to reset your moral compass and follow your

true path. If something doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t what you ought

to be doing. Don’t talk yourself out of your own principles and ethical

standards, and don’t let anyone else talk you out of them either. The

results are never satisfactory.

Identifying the behaviors and situations that have gone against

your standards in this relationship can help you recenter your self-

respect. Then you can be prepared to decide what actions you want

to take to protect yourself from giving in to those things again. When

you fully embrace your values and life principles, it’s easier to stand

firm on what you want and choose to do. You gain inner strength and

resilience when you act from your ethical center to protect yourself.

Let your standards direct you to the actions and relationships that

are good for you.

Be Your Own Judge

You feel greater personal strength when you take over the

responsibility of judging for yourself whether you are doing the right

thing. You have the right to decide what is good for you, what you

want to do, and with whom you want to be involved. Use your

principles, feelings, passions, and goals to guide you into the

situations and relationships that you find fulfilling and satisfying.

When you decide for yourself what is best for you, you become more

empowered.

Let your conscience be your guide—not your guilt. Caretakers

too often make their choices based on how guilty or afraid they feel.

This can pull you into and keep you in situations and relationships

that are clearly not good for you. Basing your choices primarily on

the needs and wishes of others is self-destructive. Remember, your

number one responsibility in life is to take care of your own

emotional and physical well-being, and then offer care to others—not

the other way around. It’s the same principle as on airplanes, where

you’re instructed to put on your own oxygen mask before you help

others. It’s a matter of survival.

Be your own judge in determining what you see, feel, and think

and what choices you should make. This is your life; you get to

choose. After all, you have to deal with the consequences of these

decisions, whether you give in to someone else or you choose for

yourself.

Be Around Others Who Share Your Values

It is much easier to follow your values when you’re around

others with the same guiding principles. Then when you feel unsure

about a decision, you have others who know you well and can help

you sort through your dilemma. Even then, remember that the final

decision is your responsibility. Always remember to be cautious of

people who try to convince you that their answer or suggestion is the

only right one or pressure you to make a certain choice.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF

Listen to Your Gut

You may fear, for good reason, that you’ll be tricked again by the

narcissist. Narcissists do not always go away and stay away. If

things don’t work out the way they wanted in their new life, they may

come back and try to reengage. And if you have children together,

you’ll have to keep interacting with the narcissist for some time to

come. How will you keep yourself emotionally strong, centered, and

healthy?

Listen to your gut instead of your guilt, fear, or pity. Your gut is

the center of your intuition and comes from your instincts,

perceptions, and natural body reactions. It’s a far more accurate

method of telling you what you truly feel and want than your

conscious brain. When you were with the narcissist, you had to close

your gut intuition down because it was too often in conflict with what

you thought you had to do or should do to please him.

A good method for staying in touch with your intuition is to tune

in to your body. When you need to know quickly how you feel about

something, pay attention to how your stomach and abdomen feel.

Psychologists call this area of the body the second brain.[1] It can’t

be subverted by the “shoulds” and “oughts” that you’ve been taught

to think are appropriate. It tells you clearly what you really want and

feel. Notice any overall body signs of tension or pain as well. Is your

neck stiff? Are you getting a headache? Is your lower back hurting?

Emotions come out almost instantly in your body.[2] When your body

is relaxed and calm, you’ll feel happier, but when your gut is in

distress, something is not right with your world.

Your gut is the center of your fight, flight, and freeze reactions.

In caretakers, the most common response to distress is to freeze. To

deal more effectively with narcissists, you’ve got to marshal your

inner strength, which can’t be done if you’re in freeze mode. When

situations are demanding or challenging, do you shut down and can’t

think of what to say and can’t seem to focus your brain? That’s

freeze mode. When you feel instantly enraged and your mind is

moving at super speed, that’s fight mode. Obviously, if you just want

to get away from the situation, you’re in flight mode. These are all

indicators that you need to protect yourself and get to a safe place

so you can calm down and bring your rational thinking back online.

Until you do that, you’ll feel afraid, weak, and confused.

Narcissists try to push you to make quick responses and

decisions. They sense when you’re shut down and defenseless and

choose that time to pressure or threaten you to get what they want.

When your strength is drained and you’re scared, your ability to think

is compromised. Getting out of these fear modes allows you to

marshal your inner strength, get your thinking cleared, and not cave

in to these tactics.

Give yourself time to tune in to your body messages, calm

yourself, and identify what you’re feeling and why you’re reacting as

you are. Then spend some time thinking clearly about what you

want. This may take minutes, hours, or sometimes days. Give

yourself whatever time you need for this process and don’t cave into

pressure from the narcissist to respond immediately.

Task

Try this exercise to tune in to yourself before deciding on a

response. See yourself standing strong and capable. Imagine

everyone who loves you and supports you standing around you.

What would these loved ones want for you? How can they be of help

to you? What are the real limits and options that you have to choose

from? What advice does your highest and best self give you? Mull

over all of this information. Make your best choice from this place of

strength.

Identify Your Rights

There are two important kinds of rights that you need to

embrace to increase your sense of power—your legal rights and

your humanity rights. If you own property or have children or legal

obligations with a narcissist, you need to make sure you know your

legal rights in your state. The moment you figure out that your

partner is a narcissist, you need to consult a lawyer because at

some point, you’ll have conflicts with the narcissist over whatever

you share.[3] If you know your legal rights, then you know where you

stand, what to fight for, and what to expect. Narcissists are extremely

good at trying to drain your power and emotional strength by creating

mythical rights, threatening to “take everything,” and making

demands that aren’t necessarily lawful. Knowing your legal rights

can go a long way to allaying your fears, empowering you, and

preparing you for the decisions you need to make.

Your humanity rights are more about your sense of emotional

safety, well-being, positive regard, respect, self-worth, strength, and

trust. These are things for which you rightfully get to set the

standards. If you haven’t clearly established your standards for these

rights, then now is a good time to do so. Don’t assume that

everybody has the same ones. Your standards are based on your

own sense of self-worth and self-respect. Definitely take time to spell

out your expectations and preferences in friendships, with family,

and in intimate relationships. These help you identify whether you’re

in a relationship that is good for your well-being and happiness.

Gerald said he wanted a relationship that felt like a partnership,

in which both people shared in the decisions and the daily tasks. He

liked a calm household, quiet voices, and sharing thoughts and

feelings at the end of the day. He didn’t like uproar, anger, or chaos.

When he looked back on his marriage to Jennifer, he realized he’d

gotten the exact opposite of what he actually wanted. The

relationship had moved so quickly in the beginning that he was

already passionately involved and committed before he genuinely

knew Jennifer. He’d been in the habit of falling for women who were

exciting and whose energy filled the room, even though that didn’t

match the kind of life he wanted to live. After divorcing, he decided to

go slower in the next relationship and look for someone who enjoyed

the same kind of lifestyle he was comfortable with. That led him to

thinking about Nina, who had been a friend for years. They’ve been

together for a decade now, deeply appreciating their quiet life

together.

Clarify Your Obligations

As an adult, you have the right to choose what you will and

won’t do for others, how often you want to do these things, and in

what way. Just because the narcissist called you selfish and accused

you of not doing enough for him doesn’t mean that it was true. You’ll

feel stronger and more empowered when you decide for yourself

what obligations you choose to take on and what you expect in

return.

Obligations are reciprocal, for example, parent to child and child

to parent, husband to wife and wife to husband, employer to

employee and employee to employer, or friend to friend. Your self-

worth increases when you hold others to the same standard of

meeting obligations to which you hold yourself. So when you fulfill

your commitments and the other person doesn’t, you’ve got the right

to choose whether you’ll continue the relationship, terminate your

promises to the other person, or get help and support to enforce your

rights.

Obligations freely chosen reduce the likelihood of resentment

and bitterness and increase positive connections with others. Keep

working to find enjoyable reciprocal relationships, and you’ll find your

feelings of integrity, self-worth, and strength increasing.

Kendra, age thirty-four, had learned not to tolerate her father,

Danny’s, narcissistic control and dominance. However, her mother

was more passive and constrained by him. When her mother was

diagnosed with end-stage cancer, Kendra wanted to take care of her,

but she didn’t want to deal with her father’s demands, control, and

temper tantrums. She tried to convince her mother to leave him and

come live with her, but her mother didn’t have the strength to stand

up to Danny. So she stayed. Kendra told her mother that she would

visit only when her father wasn’t there but that her home was open if

her mother ever wanted to live with Kendra. Danny hated taking care

of his wife and complained continually. Kendra lived four hundred

miles away, but drove down to care for her mother one day a week

to relieve her father, but only if he was not in the house.

Her mother rallied, and she and Kendra took a trip together to

Paris without Danny. When they got back, her mother was

hospitalized again with a relapse. Danny threw his hands up in

frustration and refused to visit his wife “because she just keeps

getting worse.” He moved out a week later. Kendra nursed her

mother for the next two months until she died. Kendra clarified her

obligations and boundaries at each step of her mother’s illness and

knew she had done the best she could for her mother while staying

clear of her father’s injurious anger and attacks.

Make Your Own Choices

When you clearly and consciously make your own choices,

you’ll feel stronger, more competent and powerful, and happier.

Conversely, giving up what you want in order to keep others from

complaining and whining will cause you to feel insignificant and

resentful. When you always just go along with what others choose,

you can end up believing that you don’t have choices. This dilutes

your strength. Even when the options are not what you would like,

make a choice. You’ll feel better and more in control of your life.

Kendra used a self-talk exercise to help her figure out what to do

about her mother and father. Following is the process.

Task—Talk Yourself Through Challenges

In an article titled “The Voice of Reason,” Pamela Weintraub

states that experiments done by psychologist Ethan Kross indicate

that “how people conduct their inner monologues has an enormous

effect on their success in life.”[4] She outlined three steps that are

especially effective in being more courageous and successful in

difficult or challenging situations. They are (1) speak to yourself in

the first person, (2) give yourself specific instructions, and (3) affirm

that you are capable.

1. Speaking to yourself in the first person means using your

first name to talk to yourself as if you were talking to a friend.

This helps you see yourself more objectively. You can remind

yourself of your past successes and ask yourself questions

about feelings and thoughts. This gives you the sense of having

a good friend to talk with.

2. Giving yourself specific instructions can include reminders

to keep calm, instructions about what to do and say, and even

directions about what feelings to have. This is reassuring and

encouraging and keeps your conscious brain engaged and in

charge. As a result, your mind is more able to override your

fight, flight, or freeze reactions. It helps you create a plan,

decide what you are going to do, and encourage yourself to do

it.

3. Affirm you are capable. Continue talking to yourself using

your first name. State all of the strengths and abilities you have

that can help you get through this difficult situation. Avoid saying

fearful, negative, or disaster-vision self-comments. Be

encouraging.

After you get through the challenging encounter, be sure to

identify what was successful and the specific strengths and actions

that were helpful to you. This will increase your ability to meet the

next challenging situation.

Here’s an example from Sondra, who calls herself Soni,

encouraging herself:

(1) Soni, what are you anxious about? You’ve talked to Mike

[narcissist] hundreds of times before. (2) Keep breathing, look

him in the eye, and tell him no. He can’t hurt you anymore, Soni,

unless you care what he thinks about you. And you don’t care

what he thinks anymore. (3) You are strong and capable, and

you have the right to say no. It’s OK to be yourself and tell him

what you want.

Then afterward:

Soni, you got through it. You stood your ground, and he backed

off. Good for you. You are really getting strong. You go, girl.

This step-by-step process is extremely powerful and effective.

You can use it whenever you face anxiety-producing situations at

work, with family and friends, and especially with narcissists. It gives

you the inner sense that you’re twice as strong because you’re there

doing the actions and also there encouraging and cheering yourself

on.

CONCLUSION

Being resilient includes respecting yourself, seeing your own worth,

knowing what you think and feel, identifying and following your own

values, and believing that you have the right to evaluate your own.

To do these things, you have to listen to your deep emotional

responses and honor them when deciding what to do. You also need

to identify your rights, stand up for them, and take over making your

own choices. Learning a new, more empowering way to talk to

yourself is key. Strength and trust in yourself grow when you listen to

your feelings and needs, take charge of making your own choices,

and let yourself be authentically you.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

Rate your sense of emotional strength and power from 1–10 during

your relationship with the narcissist. Also rate it before and after the

relationship. What do you notice? How would your loved ones rate

it?

What would you change if you listened to yourself more?

How well do you follow your own values and conscience?

Spend a whole day tuning in to your “gut.” What does it have to

say?

What do you need to do to better protect your legal rights?

In what situations do you feel your emotional safety, respect, or

self-worth are being damaged? What can you do to feel more

empowered?

Are you freely choosing what you want to do for others? What

obligations would you like to give up?

Take a challenging situation in your life and use the steps

outlined to talk yourself through it in a new and more powerful way.

NOTES

1. Porges, Stephen W. The Polyvagal Theory: Neuropsychological

Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-

Regulation. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 2011.

2. Hay, Louise. You Can Heal Your Life. Santa Monica, CA: Hay

House, 1984.

3. McBride, Karyl. Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a

High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family. New

York, NY: Atria Books, 2015.

4. Weintraub, Pamela. “The Voice of Reason,” Psychology Today

Magazine, May 4, 2015.

Chapter 13

Self-Protection

“You’ve always had the power . . . you just had to learn it for

yourself.”

—Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, from The Wizard of Oz

CREATING SELF-PROTECTION

When someone else is in charge of protecting you, it comes with a

price. That price is control. Narcissists often describe their love as

protecting you, when in fact it is aimed at organizing your life,

directing and commanding you to do things their way, and monitoring

your actions. When you were under the control of a narcissist, it was

difficult to set boundaries and limits to protect yourself. As your self-

esteem and self-confidence grow, you’ll feel stronger and more

righteous in protecting your emotional and physical self from anyone

who would try to take control of your life again.

Stop All Personal Interactions

Some narcissists cut off contact with you, but more frequently

they keep hanging around trying to get your attention, as well as

dominate and manipulate you to get what they want. They continue

their push/pull behaviors. It’s in your own best interest to stop any

sort of personal interaction with the narcissist. If you have business

that needs attending to, try to do it through your lawyer or through

short messages, with as little direct contact as possible. Any time

you are friendly and accommodating to a narcissist, he’s likely to

think you’re willing to give in to whatever he wants. When you give in

to small things, the narcissist increases his attempts to get his way.

Set Limits

Figure out how to limit or eliminate your contact with the

narcissist as much as possible. Arrange child drop-offs and pickups

at school, sports practices, or in a public place. Use online calendars

for messages and scheduling information. Don’t attend the same

social functions. Message or call only when absolutely necessary,

and limit its length. If the communication isn’t about legal matters, it

probably doesn’t need to happen. Don’t go into explanations of why

you think or feel as you do, don’t expect empathy or consideration,

and never change the terms of your agreements with the narcissist

except by going through the legal system. As your kids get older, let

them negotiate more for themselves about what they want with the

other parent.

You may need to use a lot of self-encouragement when setting

new boundaries and limits. The technique outlined in the last chapter

can give you courage to stand your ground, say no, walk away, hang

up the phone, or refuse to get triggered into a fight with the

narcissist. State clearly and powerfully what you want, and follow

through on any consequences you’ve chosen. When you believe in

your rights, know what you truly feel, and have thought through what

you want, you can create an effective action plan. Using the self-talk

method increases your courage to stand your ground. Then this

becomes a powerful self-protection system.

Hold Your Boundaries

With narcissists, you not only have to set your boundaries, but

you also have to defend and continually hold on to them. Narcissists

are completely focused on getting what they want, so they’ll keep

pushing your limits until it’s clear that you’re never giving up. Making

exceptions or giving in “just this once” usually makes it more difficult

to hold your boundary the next time. Your rights and well-being are

best protected by making your statements and agreements with the

narcissist clear, precise, and in writing and not making concessions

later. Flexing your agreements to accommodate the narcissist’s

immediate wants or needs is a risky business. You can’t count on the

narcissist to reciprocate in kind.

Pick your battles and don’t fuss around with the small things. Do

as much as you can to protect yourself and your children from actual

harm, but don’t spend time and energy fighting battles over things

that won’t matter in ten years. Save your energy for the significant

issues that have long-term effects.

Collect Your Allies

You’ll find that you feel stronger and safer when you have

loving, caring, supportive people around you whenever you have to

encounter the narcissist. Narcissists are nastiest when it is just the

two of you, but they’re more likely to be civil when there are

witnesses who support you. In social situations, sit with your friends

between you and the narcissist. Be polite, but don’t encourage

friendly interaction. That’s not necessary. You’re not going to be

long-term friends with someone who has treated you as badly as the

narcissist has.

If you have legal issues with the narcissist, have your lawyer

with you when you have important issues to discuss. Don’t try to

settle things on your own. This will protect you from a lot of bickering

and haggling that can be exhausting and mind crushing. Ask your

therapist for information and insight about what to expect. Practice

with him or her for upcoming interactions. Ask your friends for moral

support, and even request them to be present during your contacts

with the narcissist. Allow family to encourage and support you

through these times. Always aim to keep yourself calm, centered,

and protected whenever you have to be around the narcissist.

However, as Jean McBride says in her book Talking to Children

About Divorce, remember, your children should not be your allies.[1]

It is harmful when you try to get them to be on your side, love you

more, or tattle on the narcissist. Their relationship with the other

parent is entirely different from your relationship with him or her.

Also, don’t try to control your children’s feelings. Choose adult allies

who understand your dilemma and are helpful in supporting your

self-esteem and self-confidence.

Say No and Mean It

Your best protection against a narcissist is your ability to say

and mean no. You can use the word specifically as in “No thank

you,” “No, that won’t work for me,” or “Not now,” but you can also

convey no by identifying the differences between you and the

narcissist, for example,

“You seem to want to talk more about this, but I don’t.”

“Unless you stop shouting, I am hanging up the phone.”

(Then do it.)

“I would like to meet in my lawyer’s office rather than at my

home.”

When you disagree with the narcissist, make sure it’s worth the

effort it will take to defend your decision. Be aware that it takes a lot

more energy to defend a no when you are waffling and actually

mean maybe. When you’re unsure, you are fighting within yourself

as well as with the narcissist. A solid no is much more clear because

then you know you have genuine reasons and support to back it up.

You’re of one mind, and that is much stronger.

You don’t have to go along with the narcissist anymore, but it

wastes your energy to disagree just because you’re angry. Yes and

no are strongest when they are well thought out and chosen in

coordination with your deepest intentions and goals.

Step Out of the Game

One of the most powerful and self-protective tools you can use

to shield yourself from the negativity of the narcissist’s behaviors is

to disengage. Whether you or the narcissist has ended this

relationship, you may be surprised at how much contact the

narcissist still wants to have with you. He may continue to engage

you in endless e-mails and texts, or even offer to date again or be

friends, or want to talk with you about his new love relationship. On

the other hand, the narcissist’s bid for your attention may be

primarily hostile, with demands to talk things out or accusations. He

might even try to push his way into your home and demand to take

things. However, you’ll probably face a combination of these

approaches.

It’s time to end the drama and step away from the game. As

long as any part of you still contemplates reuniting, the narcissist has

power over your feelings, thoughts, and choices. A clear ending in

your mind needs to be reached before you can move on. Only then

can you truly get yourself emotionally out of this drama and protect

yourself from further pain. As long as you have grudges,

resentments, demands, or expectations of the narcissist, you have

not let go of this relationship. You may say you are done and it’s

over, but as long as the narcissist can make you crazy, you have not

completely let go.

Some things that your former partner does will never be to your

liking, but the goal is to let him go and focus your attention on the

events and happenings in your own life. Don’t let the narcissist

continue to control your thoughts or how you feel and live your life

months and years after the relationship has ended.

When Leanne came to therapy to deal with her continued

anxiety and depression about her divorce from five years earlier, she

wasn’t aware of how much time and energy she was spending

interacting with her former husband, Ron. She was sending and

receiving numerous texts and e-mails daily. They had two children in

high school, who were both hesitant to speak up to their dad and tell

him what they wanted. Leanne always seemed afraid of Ron. He

was clearly narcissistic and definitely was persistent in pushing for

what he wanted.

In therapy Leanne learned to quit giving into all the minute

changes that Ron wanted. She had her lawyer send him a letter

reminding him of their original parenting agreement, and she quit

responding to his requests for changes. When the kids wanted to do

special things on Dad’s parenting time, she coached them to work

that out with him. Within six months, the number of communications

between Leanne and Ron had decreased 80 percent, and Leanne’s

anxiety was greatly reduced. She even found time and energy to do

social activities when her kids were with their dad, because she was

no longer worrying about what would happen next.

It’s OK Not to Care

It is definitely OK not to care about the narcissist any longer. You

broke up. You need to let go of any nonlegal expectations and

obligations. Caretakers like to “care” about other people. It may feel

disloyal to you to say you don’t care. Do you still have unconscious

hopes that the narcissist will somehow care for you, due to your past

relationship with each other? If you still have these hopes, you’ll

remain vulnerable to the hurtful and crazy-making interactions the

narcissist has done in the past.

To truly disengage, you have to move to a more neutral place of

acceptance of the narcissist and yourself as two separate people,

un-

attached to each other. What he does or doesn’t do has nothing to

do with you anymore. Ignore any morbid interest you have about his

current life. Let your past dreams of what you were going to do

together float away. Turn your back on the past, and move forward to

create a new life for yourself, full of new dreams, new people, and

new experiences.

TRUSTING YOUR WINGS

Keep Your Own Counsel

No one is more motivated to respond to your needs and be a

good protector and guide than you. You have the potential to know

better than anyone else what you feel, think, want, and enjoy. So

you’re ultimately the best judge of what is good for you and what

choices would be best for you. Being mindfully aware of yourself

does take time and energy, but it has huge payoffs. When you know

yourself and make well-considered choices, your life works much

better, with less drama, fewer wrong turns, and more satisfaction.

Take time every day to tune in to yourself. Listen to your thoughts,

sense what feelings are coming to the surface, and give yourself

permission to follow your own sense of what gives you contentment

and well-being, whether or not it pleases others.

Task

Take time to be alone with your thoughts with no other

distractions. Whether you call this time meditation, prayer,

contemplation, or just relaxation, it is essential for your well-being.

Surprisingly, even five to ten minutes a day can make a huge

difference in the quality of your life. Listen to quiet instrumental

music, journal, take a walk alone, or sit in nature with no agenda

except to listen to what is going on inside of you. At first, you may

feel fidgety or have trouble getting your mind off the many things you

have on your to-do list. Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders,

and give yourself permission to take a few minutes for yourself. Tell

your mind that you’re willing to listen to whatever it has to tell you at

this moment. Then just notice what passes through your attention.

Write down your thoughts and feelings if you would like. Do this for a

week, noticing what patterns of worries, judgments, or thoughts keep

surfacing.

These few minutes focused on yourself can be the most

valuable time of your day. You become aware of your mood

changes, passions, wishes, and fears. It gives you a heads-up for

what you need and can expect from yourself for the next twenty-four

hours. When you respond without criticism to what your emotional

system needs, you can count on yourself to be your own best

advocate in life. You know you can fly even if the branch breaks or

the unexpected happens.

Be Your Own Authority

You might not have noticed that you’re the only one who makes

choices for your life, and you’re the only one ultimately responsible

for what you choose to do. That makes you the definitive authority

over you. No matter who else has an opinion about you, your life, or

your actions, it is you who ultimately makes every choice. If you

believe in your own authority to run your life, you’ll never again get

caught up in the delusion that someone else makes you do anything.

Nor will you fall victim to the imaginary belief that you’ve caused

anyone else to feel or do anything. You’ll be able to stand solidly on

your own values and integrity and no longer feel like a pawn in

someone else’s life drama.

Let Your Authentic Self Be Your Guide

There is great joy in being authentically yourself. It gives you a

sense of freedom and confidence that nothing else can. Knowing

that you are plenty good enough lets your whole self be relaxed and

no longer on guard. You don’t have to figure out what other people

want you to be. When you’re being yourself, you can be assured that

people who like you are accepting you for just being you. It takes

tons of energy to assess and align your every action to meet the

expectations of others. It takes little or no energy to just be yourself.

However, authenticity doesn’t mean saying or doing anything

and everything that comes into your mind, such as criticizing others,

or doing anything you want without consideration for how it affects

others. You don’t have control over other people, but you may have

a powerful influence on them. Be as respectful of the individuality of

others as you would have them be toward you. Even when you stop

caretaking others, you still can and will be caring of other people.

However, you won’t be pleasing them at your own expense.

Being authentic means knowing who you are and sharing that

genuinely with others. It means being truthful about yourself, your

feelings and wants, without discounting anyone else. Authenticity

means that you won’t cover up or discount your needs and wants

just because someone else doesn’t approve. It also means you don’t

have to give in and then feel resentful, go along with behaviors that

you don’t like, or pretend you have feelings that you don’t have.

An additional benefit of being authentic is that you’ll quickly find

out whether other people are dependable, trustworthy, and genuine.

Because you aren’t spending huge amounts of energy trying to

please other people, you’ll be better able to see when people are

disapproving, judgmental, and dissatisfied as well as when they are

being honest, truly caring, or genuinely concerned about you. Their

behaviors will be more visible, and this gives you more information to

assess whether you like them.

CONCLUSION

Self-protection means setting limits on what you will and won’t

tolerate from others and what you will do and not do for them. It

takes practice to hold to your boundaries, but you can do this more

effectively with the help of your allies, the ability to firmly say no, and

your willingness to step out of the narcissist’s games, because you

no longer care what the narcissist thinks about you.

Trust in yourself develops as you listen to yourself, accept your

feelings and needs as normal and valuable, take charge of making

your own choices, and finally let yourself be truly and authentically

you.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What interactions with the narcissist can you quit doing?

What new limits would you like to set in your life?

What limits and boundaries need your attention to make them

stronger?

What things would you like to say no to?

How do you still get caught up in the narcissist’s manipulations?

What can you do differently?

Can you describe your authentic self?

How would your life change if you were willing to be more

authentically you?

NOTES

1. McBride, Jean. Talking to Children About Divorce. Berkeley, CA:

Althea Press, 2016.

Chapter 14

Becoming Independent

“No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

—Friedrich Nietzsche

You are either in control of yourself or you allow someone else

to be in control of you. In the relationship with the narcissist, most of

the time the narcissist was in control. As a caretaker you primarily

accommodated the narcissist’s feelings and preferences and

deferred to his choices. Although that was quite restrictive and often

exasperating, it can be difficult to automatically switch into being

independent and self-reliant. Making your own decisions takes

thought, time, and energy, and it can be scary to feel responsible for

everything in your life again. Learning to be independent can feel

lonely and intimidating. However, if you want to avoid narcissistic

relationships in the future, your chances are much better if you have

a clear sense of your right to be a self-determining, independent

person.

Letting Go of Codependence

The relationship between you and the narcissist was

codependent, whether you realized it at the time. You tried to please

and take care of the narcissist, while he tried to get his way in

everything. That was continually to your disadvantage. To have a

strong partner relationship, both parties must be able to articulate

what they want and at the same time respond to and care about the

other’s feelings and needs. Otherwise, the relationship will be

codependent.

Speak Up for Yourself

It can be very hard to speak up in interactions with narcissists.

They don’t listen well and often respond to comments with hostility

and derision. Caretakers want to smooth over any discord, so they

back down and give up pretty easily. In addition narcissists try to turn

comments they don’t like back on the other person. Add in the fact

that narcissists always have to be right, superior, and in control of

everything, and the result is that anyone actively engaged in a long-

term relationship with a narcissist will become codependent over

time.

To regain your sense of independence you have to rediscover

your voice. Your ability to share what you think and feel, set

boundaries, make your preferences known, and stand up for your

rights all depend on your being able to speak up for yourself. You

may need to start by writing down your thoughts, observations,

opinions, and likes and dislikes in a journal. Put words to what you

are feeling and experiencing. Then pick your safest friend or family

member to share these words of truth you have discovered. Allow

yourself to ask for what you want, give your opinion, select the movie

or restaurant you go to, and say no once in a while. Speaking up is

the difference between being a wallflower or joining the dance.

The sooner you speak up and make your requirements and

desires known to others, the sooner needy, selfish, self-absorbed

people fade away because they quickly realize that you aren’t going

to be giving them what they want. Doing this saves a lot of time by

narrowing the field to more egalitarian, independent, less-controlling

people, whether acquaintances, friends, or companions.

Respond to Your Own Needs

As a former caretaker, you have wonderful skills for instantly

and effectively responding to the needs, wishes, and feelings of

others. You’re probably not nearly as good at being self-responsive.

How well do you take care of your physical needs? If you have

chronic physical stress, pain, low energy, or lack of joy, you need to

pay more attention to your physical needs. Common physical issues

for caretakers are migraines, neck and back pain, indigestion,

irritable bowel, muscle tension in the jaw, fatigue, and lethargy.

These are all indicators of overstressing your body with anxiety,

emotional pressure, worry, guilt, and fear without respite care and

recovery. What does your body need from you to recover to its full

level of health? Excuses of not enough time or money to take care of

yourself won’t make you feel better. Take charge of caring for your

health and well-being right now, and make it a lifelong priority.

Without a healthy body, you’ll find everything in life is more difficult.

Continue working on responding to your emotional needs with

positive self-talk, self-validation, and encouragement. Make these

automatic habits in your life. Rebuild your trust in yourself by being

more authentically you. These things give you the strength to be

more emotionally independent in your intimate relationships.

Financial independence is also important. When you know you

can take care of yourself financially, you never again have to feel

helpless to leave an abusive, insulting, or hard-hearted relationship

due to no means of supporting yourself. Additionally, if you want to

go back to school, start a business, or attend an event that interests

you, you know that you have the ability to finance this yourself

instead of relying solely on someone else to give you permission and

the funds. As you’ve just experienced, being faced with living on your

own is much less stressful when you can pay your own rent and buy

food. Money of your own gives you choices.

Create a Vision and Follow Your Passion

Do you know where you want your life to go? Where you want to

live? How you want to spend your days? Have you identified your

purpose? People who have been caretakers have often lost their

sense of life direction and passion. “Saving your relationship” may

have been your most recent life goal. It’s time now to create new life

goals. As you have learned, latching onto someone else who will

take you along toward his life goals is chancy and unreliable at best.

On the other hand, having no goal at all almost assures that you

won’t get where you want to be.

Task

As you heal and become more independent and resilient, this

can be a time to create a new life plan. This is your life. What do you

want to do with it? What interests you? What excites you? What

would you like to be known for? Create a plan to move in the

direction of your yearnings. And be sure to figure out what kind of

people you want to have travel that path with you. Being choosy

about your life companions isn’t elitist or selfish; it’s just plain good

sense. For a specialized job, you wouldn’t hire just anyone who

happened to come through the door. Be at least as choosy about the

people with whom you select to share your most intimate self.

Invest in Yourself

Pay attention to yourself. Time spent being with yourself

provides your greatest opportunity to learn who you are and create

the life you truly love and enjoy. When you’re coming out of such an

intense, enmeshed relationship as you’ve been in with the narcissist,

you may find it difficult to be alone. You may feel lonely and lost. The

thought of spending time just thinking about yourself may seem

pointless, self-indulgent, and a waste of time. In actuality it is your

greatest investment in yourself.

According to essayist William Deresiewicz, “solitude enables us

to secure the integrity of the self as well as to explore it.”[1] You may

shy away from time alone without the television or your phone close

at hand to provide noise and “connection.” However, don’t these

devices frequently make you feel more lonely? Loneliness doesn’t

come from being alone but rather from feeling the loss of being truly

known and accepted. Weren’t you lonely much of the time in your

relationship with the narcissist?

Task

Be brave and make time to sit quietly, doing nothing, and

experience being alive. This feels especially good done in nature. Sit

by a lake, walk in the woods, breathe in the air, feel the sun on your

back. Allow yourself to experience your bodily sensations and

emotions. You’re the person you can count on to always be there,

always be available to listen and to care about you more deeply than

anyone else. See yourself in your mind’s eye—strong, contented,

and confident. Remember the last time you felt this way. What was

your life like then? What would it take for you to feel that way again?

What hopes and dreams do you have? Think of a sentence that

embodies this feeling of strength and independence, and say it to

yourself. Remember it, and use it for encouragement.

When you are your own best friend, you’re self-possessed—that

is, you possess yourself. You’re independent of the passing moods

and opinions of others. You’ll find a deeper sense of well-being and

security when you know that you can always count on yourself.

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

Go for Your Goals

When you’re independent and know what you feel and want,

you’re free to explore new ambitions, purposes, and goals. Some of

those goals may be things you wanted to do from years past, and

others may be new and surprising.

Task

This is a good time to create a bucket list. Write down as many

things as possible that you might like to do. Listing twenty, thirty, or

even fifty items allows your mind to float free and be creative. You

don’t have to commit to doing anything on this list. It’s just for fun.

For instance, “seeing the South Pole” is on my list. I really don’t want

to go there, but I love pictures and documentaries of that vast and

beautiful land. Let your fantasy soar. Open to yearnings and

aspirations that you didn’t previously consider.

Look over your list and see whether there are any patterns or

groups of things that appeal to you. Notice which items get you

excited and energized. Then start prioritizing. Select your top ten

favorite or most interesting choices, and ask yourself these

questions. Which items could you do right away? Which ones will

take some planning? Which things would you want to do alone? With

whom would you want to share these experiences? Keep working

with your list until you come up with your top three choices. When

you’re ready, start a planning sheet for each of these. From this

process, you’ll find that goals naturally develop and now you’ve

found some possible new adventures.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

If you are not used to having goals and directions, you may find

a flood of emotions as you contemplate these new possibilities—

excitement, enthusiasm, anxiety, overwhelm, and just plain fear. The

most common fears are contradictory, such as fear of failure and

also the fear of success. No one wants to fail, but the possibility of

success also offers challenges that can be scary too. Either way

you’re going to learn a lot more about yourself.

Failure is not the same as being unsuccessful. Failure is a

thought or an evaluation of lost value or merit. Being unsuccessful is

simply a fact and is rarely total. Some part of anything that you do is

going to be successful. It just didn’t turn out completely the way you

wanted or expected. Post-It Notes are the result of an unsuccessful

experiment. The 3M Company was looking for a new kind of glue

and ended up with this less-than-effective semisticky substance.

Figuring out what to do with the results turned the catastrophe into

an amazingly useful and lucrative product. Not succeeding at what

you expected simply means that you’ve learned something, which

applied creatively, might eventually make your life better.

Fear of success is harder to visualize. It is correlated to

procrastination, hesitancy, not feeling deserving, and believing you’re

not good enough. Fear of success is evident when you worry about

what you’ll have to live up to or be called on to do next. For example,

I’ve heard past caretakers say “If I did find someone who is truly

loving and kind, I’m not sure I’d know how to act.” You’ve probably

heard that the most difficult thing to have happen is not getting what

you want, and the second most difficult is actually getting what you

asked for.

Taking the labels of failure and success off the table can make

your life more agreeable and greatly reduce your fears of the future.

Everything works out as it does. You have some power and influence

about how things happen, but you are never fully in control of

anything. Life is an improvisational dance moving this way and that.

As Tina Fey points out in her book Bossypants,[2] the first law of

improvisation is saying yes to what you’ve been given, and then

being creative. Yes, I’m getting divorced; what do I choose to do

now? Yes, I have to move out of my home; where would I like to live

instead? Yes, I can no longer be on the life path I chose ten years

ago; what path do I want to choose now?

Problem-Solving Techniques

Life is full of problems and new experiences that require choices

and decisions that are going to bring up more problems that you

don’t yet know how to handle. Problems feel the most overwhelming

when they’re vague and require you to change in some way that

you’re not familiar with. Here are some steps that will help.

Clarify the problem. First, is it even your problem? Identify why

and how the problem affects you. It’s easy to get overinvolved in

what other people need and how other people should be acting. If a

problem doesn’t directly affect you, reassess whether it is your

problem to solve. Second, put the problem into one sentence so you

can see it clearly. Third, specify the goal you wish to achieve. This’ll

help you move from a vague, uncomfortable situation to a specific

issue.

Visualize getting from the problem to the solution. Let your mind

move through different paths from the problem to the solution you

want. Keep rearranging the possible actions and reactions until you

find one that you like or can live with. This will help generate new

ideas. Let yourself think outside of the standard, expected actions

and even play with silly solutions. With each possible scenario,

assess the realistic results of how you would feel and how others

might respond so you don’t waste too much time on “magical

solutions,” which require you or others to suddenly change

personality or character.

Break up the problem into steps. When you have one or two

solution scenarios that you think have a real possibility of working,

break up the problem into steps along the solution path. Three to five

steps make a good start.

Identify the skills needed at each step. Make a list of your

current skills that will be needed to reach your goal. These include

personal abilities, such as internal strengths, interpersonal skills,

past successes, and specific talents and proficiencies.

Then identify any skills or techniques you’ll need to acquire to

solve this problem. Work on acquiring these skills only if they’re truly

necessary to reach your current step or goal. Don’t get sidetracked

by demanding so much that you get discouraged or another problem

is created, for example, “I need to learn how to use positive self-

statements instead of self-criticism,” not “I have to get over being

depressed.”

Recognize and collect your resources/supports. Who can you

call on to help you with this problem? That includes friends, family,

professionals, groups, and organizations that have abilities you

need, as well as any resources and expertise that you can call on for

assistance. Information from classes, workshops, and the Internet

can be collected. Figure out how much time you need to devote to

this problem and how much money you can and need to bring in to

help.

Create optimal functioning. What helps you operate at your

best? Various strategies may be helpful, such as thinking confidently,

using a positive attitude, avoiding distractions, taking breaks when

you need them, working with a partner, selecting a supportive

environment, and being persistent. When you know and accept your

strengths and weaknesses, you can create a working situation where

you can do your best.

So how do these problem-solving steps work together? Here’s

an example.

Clarify problem—I want to exchange the children with my

former spouse without letting him in my house and without a

fight.

Visualize—I see myself calm, standing on the porch waving

good-bye.

Steps—I’ll do the exchange on the porch. I’ll have the

children and all of their belongings ready and waiting. I’ll smile

and say hello. I’ll keep my voice calm and not make extra

conversation. I’ll stand in front of the door until they all leave. I’ll

then go inside and shut the door.

Skills—I have the right to decide who enters my home. I

have the ability to breathe and calm myself. I can choose what I

talk about. I can remind myself that I don’t have to agree or

respond to any negative comments. I can refrain from being

defensive by not talking.

Resources/supports—I’ll ask my friend, Sarah, to be at the

exchange with me. I’ll call my brother, Josh, and ask him to

remind me that I’m not alone and that I’m strong.

Optimal functioning—I’ll say encouraging words and

reminders to myself before the exchange. I’ll be prepared to say

no if he asks to come in. I’ll make sure that Sarah is here well

ahead of time. I’ll ask Sarah to nudge me if I start to say

something negative or defensive.

Review Your Success

The first time you deal with a particular situation or problem is

almost always the hardest. Each time you confront it, however, you

have another chance to improve your action plan and responses.

The more positive and encouraging you can be with yourself, the

easier it’ll be to deal with the situation the next time. When you look

back on how you handled things, give yourself credit for every step

and goal that you accomplished. Then let yourself look at what didn’t

go as well as planned and consider, without any criticism, what didn’t

work so you can create a plan to deal with that the next time. Watch

that you don’t ruminate on the negatives, but instead keep focused

on your new plan and visualize your success.

TRUST YOUR DECISIONS

Rely on Your Intuition

How often did your feelings tell you that things didn’t seem to be

working well in your relationship, but when you brought up your

concerns, the narcissist responded with denial, charm, and then

blame and hostility? Still, your intuition told you something wasn’t

satisfactory. Not trusting your intuition led you down the path to some

skewed thinking and resulted in decisions that you may be regretting

at this time. You may have ended up thinking that you were crazy, or

too needy or selfish, or totally mistaken in what you saw, heard, and

felt. Don’t ever let someone talk you out of your intuitive feelings

again.

Intuition is a subconscious ability to put together miniscule bits

of barely observable body language, tone of voice, and emotional

reactions and read those automatically and instantaneously to form

an impression of what is happening around you. It’s especially useful

in social interactions and to alert you to emotional or physical

danger. People who have high empathy tend to be excellent intuitive

responders.

As you disengage from the narcissist, you’ve probably

concluded that your intuitive feelings about certain situations with the

narcissist were, in fact, accurate. Even though you aren’t always

consciously aware of why you feel certain things, don’t discount

those reactions. Trust your intuition. Then gather enough information

and facts—not just what other people tell you—to verify or refute

what you feel. After that, if your feelings are still going with your first

reaction, rely on that response. The vast majority of the time, your

intuition will prove to be correct.

Decide for Yourself

You may have thought the narcissist made all the decisions in

your relationship, but in fact you participated in every one, often by

giving in repeatedly. Perhaps you were trying to be nice, or keep

from fighting, or save the relationship. However, it was actually a

delaying tactic that kept the real issues out of sight without settling

them. You have the responsibility to make decisions for yourself.

Being in a relationship or being married does not eliminate that

responsibility. If your spouse cheats on your income tax and is

caught, you have to pay the penalty too, even if you didn’t agree with

the choice. If he alienates your children, then you don’t get to see

them or be as close either. When you give up and let the narcissist

have his way, you are still making a decision, which often doesn’t

benefit you or others in your family.

Integrity and self-esteem are at the core of decisions that you’re

proud of and that are consistent with your values. From now on, be

aware and mindful of the decisions you are making in your life. Every

yes and no you put out into the world moves you down the path to

where you will be years later. Pay attention to your goals and be

cognizant of whether you are moving in the direction you desire.

Notice How You Feel Before Deciding

Sometimes decisions take days and months to accomplish, and

other decisions are made instantaneously. As you go through this

transition, notice how you feel during every step of every decision. If

your response isn’t a strong sense of yes, then you’ve probably not

yet found the right decision for yourself. That doesn’t mean you won’t

have any misgivings about whether you can achieve your goals—

you can’t predict the future. If the choice doesn’t feel good to you,

keep collecting information. Big decisions often include dozens of

small decisions along the way. Pay attention to how you feel about

each one, and you’ll find your path.

Count Your Successes

Seeing yourself moving toward your goals and the life you want

will help you feel stronger and more independent. Recognize and

positively affirm each step you take—even the small ones. It can be

tempting to just keep looking at what still needs to be done. When

you acknowledge your satisfaction with what you’ve accomplished,

you’ll feel more enthusiastic and energized to keep moving forward.

Keep your spirits and courage strong by counting all your successes.

You Can Always Decide Again

Few decisions are permanent. Don’t get stuck because you

think each decision, commitment, or new obligation is forever and

can never be changed. New information comes to you every day that

requires you to reassess whether your original decision is still the

appropriate one. Change is the only constant there is in life.

Adjusting decisions when new circumstances and new information

become known will make you more adaptable and happier.

LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF

Keep Your Own Best Interests in Mind

Caretaking results from an imbalance in giving and receiving.

That does not mean that you should stop giving, helping, and

accommodating the needs of others. However, it does mean you

should be equally aware of your own needs and interests. When

you’re giving to others, notice what you’re feeling in the moment and

afterward. Those who are appreciative will give you a very different

feeling than those who take you for granted or feel entitled. You have

a right to decide how much you give, to whom, and how often. Put

your energy where it will be valued and welcomed, and don’t be

blackmailed or coerced by social guilt, emotional threats, or pressure

to give more than you want.

Allow Others to Be Strong

You don’t always have to do everything yourself. Ask for help

when you need it. That allows others to feel valued and helpful.

However, be careful who you ask. The end of your relationship

means that it’s no longer appropriate to ask for extra favors and

special consideration from the narcissist. That will just lead to

hostility, anger, and disappointment. Let family and friends give to

you when you need help. Don’t think independence means you have

to be stoic, totally self-sufficient, and reject considerate offers from

others. Acceptance may be a good way to learn a better balance in

relationships.

CONCLUSION

Becoming independent is a combination of listening to your feelings

and needs, caring for yourself, visualizing your goals, and investing

in yourself. You may need to learn some new skills to deal with the

problems that appear, but every time you’re successful, you’ll feel

stronger and more competent. Passively waiting for someone else to

see what you need and take care of it for you is not a viable option

for happiness. There are so many possibilities available in the world

just waiting for you, but you have to have the courage to make new

decisions and take new actions to move forward.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What codependent behaviors did you have with the narcissist?

Do you know what your goals and passions are? How could you

find out more about these?

What fears keep you from being independent? From voicing

your needs? From sharing your feelings?

Try out the problem-solving techniques on a current problem.

What did you discover?

How accurate is your intuition? Do you feel that you trust your

intuition enough?

How well do you congratulate yourself and enjoy your

successes? How could you do this more?

Overall, how independent do you think you are at this time?

When do you let others help you? What do you believe you

should be doing on your own?

What advantages would there be for you if you became more

independent?

NOTES

1. Deresiewicz, William. “The End of Solitude,” essay published in

The Chronicle of Higher Education, January 30, 2009. Retrieved

from http://www.hermitary.com/solitude/deresiewicz.html.

2. Fey, Tina. Bossypants. New York, NY: Reagan Arthur/Little Brown,

Reprint Edition, 2014.

Transform Your Life

NEW WAYS OF LIVING AND LOVING

When you quit taking on the caretaker role in a relationship, you will

greatly reduce your likelihood of getting into another relationship with

a narcissist. You will be able to see the signs of narcissism more

easily, even when the narcissist is trying to hide them from you. And

since you won’t be jumping in to respond to the narcissist’s tests,

you will no longer be as attractive to narcissists. In addition, your

self-esteem will be high enough that the narcissist’s lure of taking

over your life with his charm will not be appealing to you.

In this last section, we will be exploring the process of

forgiveness. It is the last step in putting your past relationship to rest.

Forgiveness isn’t done for the other person; it is really a process that

allows you to fully let go and move on with your life. Forgiving a

narcissist is a unique experience because the narcissist will continue

doing his selfish and hurtful behaviors. This is not a one-time

behavior you are dealing with but a continuing pattern. Even though

forgiveness may take years, it is worth the effort.

There is also a chapter on techniques for releasing the past,

which brings together all that we have covered in previous chapters.

After you have healed, your willingness to be in your life as it is now

unleashes energy and enthusiasm. It opens up opportunities to

create a life that is more to your liking and more reflective of your

unique talents, abilities, and interests. You may even begin to

contemplate the fact that the end of this relationship was one of the

most important and growth-promoting experiences of your life. It

opened the door to your being more of who you are. You are

changed. You are stronger. You are more aware.

You are ready to reach out and find deeply loving friendships

and love relationships that can really fulfill your dreams. When you

love and appreciate yourself, you create loving energy for others.

Being open to loving again can be scary considering what you have

experienced. When you stay aware of the red flags and are already

headed down the path you want your life to follow, you have a much

greater probability of success. Knowing what real love looks like and

feels like gives you the criteria to make positive choices.

Where your life is headed depends on your intentions. When

you know what your goals are, you have a greater possibility of

reaching them. Repurposing your dreams and rewriting the old

messages you grew up with can bring you closer to your true life

direction. It is in your hands.

Chapter 15

Forgiveness

“Life’s purpose of happiness can be gained only if people

cultivate the basic human values of compassion, caring and

forgiveness.”

—The Dali Lama

Forgiveness is a natural stage in the process of healing. It

begins when you give up your resentment and need for revenge or

payback. Forgiveness usually comes when you’re close to feeling

whole and reconciled with what has happened and you’re ready to

let the past be as it was and move forward. It helps to have an

understanding of what happened and why so you can place what

you’ve gone through in perspective. And finally, when you’ve found

meaning in your pain and suffering, forgiveness occurs more easily.

Obviously, this takes time.

Pushing yourself to forgive before you are ready only makes you

feel unworthy, guilty, and inadequate. Many years working with

clients has made it clear to me that forgiveness doesn’t happen until

you reach acceptance of the narcissist and yourself just as you are.

Too often people try to force themselves to forgive before they are

healed. Let yourself go through the entire process of grief and

healing. After you have seen the full scope of your relationship with

the narcissist, you’ll have a better idea of what you are forgiving the

narcissist for and also be able to forgive yourself for being taken

advantage of. They go together.

EMPATHY

Empathy Versus Sympathy

Empathy is a significant element in the process of forgiveness.

However, empathy is easily confused with sympathy, and sympathy

is not an effective way to reach forgiveness. Empathy is the deep

understanding of and compassion for another person’s feelings,

reactions, and experiences, whereas sympathy is actually

experiencing the other person’s feelings and perspective. Caretakers

are very good at sympathizing, but true empathy can be more

elusive. In sympathy, you are joining and going into the emotional

experience of the other person. When the narcissist was sad, you

felt miserable too; when he was angry, it triggered your anger; when

he felt lonely, you felt responsible. Sympathy pulls you into the

experience, and as a result, you become part of the drama. It can

eventually trigger resentment in you because the other person isn’t

appreciative enough of your efforts. Real empathy doesn’t activate

resentment or a need for repayment.

Empathy Requires Boundaries

Empathy is actually harder to do because it requires you to keep

your boundaries. You remain one step out of the drama. You are

tuned in to the other person with deep compassion while

endeavoring to understand his or her feelings. Staying that one step

away allows you to be compassionate without being drawn in to play

a part in the drama. This is exactly what therapists train for years to

do. It is also why being empathetic with people you deeply love and

are emotionally enmeshed with is extremely difficult. Narcissists

expect and demand sympathetic responses from their loved ones.

They want you to feel what they are feeling. They want their pain to

be your pain. To forgive the narcissist, you’ll have to be able to step

out of the drama and see the experience with some objective

perspective and understanding. It is also hard to reach forgiveness

when the narcissist’s selfish behaviors are still causing you pain.

Janice thought that she was being empathetic to Jason’s

explanations about not being able to send all of her support

payments on time. His checks were coming later and later in the

month until one month she didn’t get a check. After talking with her

therapist, she realized that she actually felt sorry for him and not

empathy. She had not been paying enough attention to her own

needs. She notified the district attorney and had the payments made

through the court. Later she found out he didn’t send the last check

because he had used the money for his honeymoon in Hawaii. Her

sympathy had allowed her to be hurt again.

Empathy Is Nonjudgmental

Empathy also requires you to be nonjudgmental. There is no

criticism in true compassion. As you work on forgiving the narcissist

and yourself, you need to be aware of any hurts and offenses that

you’re still hanging onto and let them go. Letting go is not the same

as forgetting. It means you no longer replay the hurtful experiences

over in your mind to get that jolt of righteous anger or, conversely, to

fuel your sympathetic reconnection with the narcissist. Condemning

yourself or the narcissist does neither of you any good in the

present. It will not erase what happened, nor will it keep you safe in

the future.

Being nonjudgmental is an enormous challenge. You counted

on the narcissist for love, caring, emotional and financial support,

companionship, and acceptance, and the narcissist did not fulfill his

promises and commitments to these things. This was hurtful and

damaging to you and had a permanent effect on your life. It’s hard to

let go of your sense of maltreatment and negligence when you’re still

interacting or depending on the narcissist for anything.

When you see and accept the emotional disability that is at the

heart of narcissism, it can make it easier to be less judgmental. You

don’t have to let go of your real observations, negative evaluations,

or even your dislike of the narcissist’s behaviors. Forgiveness is

more of a neutral stance in which you no longer honestly care about

the narcissist in relation to yourself. You can see him from a

distance, rather like the stranger he is.

Acceptance and Empathy

So how do you accept the narcissist? By now, you may have

read several books or searched the Internet for information on

understanding the narcissist. This book is designed to help you

understand your experiences with the narcissist. Your relationship

with the narcissist is or was a complicated dance based on delusion

and confusion. To accept the narcissist, it helps to understand that

you and the narcissist are quite different in how you view the world,

relationships, love, commitment, caring, and much more. And your

two viewpoints will never come together. The narcissist isn’t likely to

understand you, nor is he likely to change.

Being empathetic means seeing and holding in your mind these

differences while at the same time acknowledging your common

humanity, fallibility, and the psychological disturbance that is or was

a part of your relationship. You have the ability to change what you

do and become more emotionally healthy, but the narcissist will

probably always be handicapped and stunted in his ability to do so.

Acknowledging the narcissist’s damaged logic, low empathy, and

faulty insight can help you move to a more compassionate stance

without losing your own point of view.

Andrew kept trying to get “closure” with his narcissistic former

wife, Rhonda. He wanted her to tell him what he had done to make

her so hostile, blaming, and mean to him. He also wanted her to

understand how he felt when she had acted that way. It was a

struggle for him to comprehend that she had no idea why she acted

the way she did. Each time they had a conversation, she would give

him entirely different explanations for her behavior. Usually, the talks

left Andrew more confused than before.

With the help of the Caretaker Recovery group, Andrew came to

understand the mental illness of narcissism. He realized that Rhonda

didn’t know and couldn’t explain why she acted the way she did. He

had been feeling angry and hurt in their conversations, but after the

group meetings, he mostly thought of her as disabled and

emotionally immature.

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND

Motivation—Intentional Versus Accidental

Usually it’s much easier to forgive accidental behaviors than

intentional ones. However, it’s very difficult, even for professionals, to

sort out which of the narcissist’s behaviors are due to their poorly

functioning brain wiring, what they have learned they can get away

with, or what they do on purpose just to get their own way. You have

no ability to make the narcissist change, and he has little chance of

significant self-understanding. So this confusion will probably remain.

Mental Illness

Narcissism is considered to be an “enduring and pervasive”[1]

mental illness. Without insight, enormous determination, and

constant self-surveillance of their behaviors, narcissists cannot make

the changes that would be necessary for them to give you what you

would rightfully expect in a reciprocal relationship.

When you’ve been directly and negatively affected by these

narcissistic responses, it may be difficult to have compassion for the

narcissist’s frantic, frightened, and delusional world. It’s easier to

reach forgiveness when you can separate your life from the

narcissist’s. When you have more distance and can keep your

emotional boundaries, you can see and feel compassion for the

narcissist’s emotional illness more easily.

It Feels So Personal

Keep reminding yourself that nothing the narcissist says, does,

feels, or thinks has anything to do with who you are or what you’ve

done. Your best emotional protection is never to take anything—

negative or positive—that the narcissist says or does as the real

truth about yourself. Instead, rely on your own observations and the

responses and feedback from friends and family who are emotionally

healthy. When you disengage your self-esteem from the effect of the

narcissist, you’ll find yourself on more solid and sane footing.

Knowing that narcissists are a whirling dervish in their own made-up

world can help you move toward forgiveness.

ACCEPT HUMAN FRAILTY

No One Is Perfect

Coming to a sense of forgiveness is easier when you remember

that no one is perfect. The narcissist has treated you badly, but you

also know that you have not been your best self around him either.

As you get to a point of restored wholeness and healing, it’ll be

easier to forgive such huge shortcomings and defects in the

narcissist, as well as your own defensive reactions.

If you aren’t ready to forgive yet, don’t scold or judge yourself or

demand that you get there right now. Be accepting of where you are.

Acceptance of yourself “as you are” is a great foundation for

eventual forgiveness. Remember that acceptance does not mean

you agree with or condone these behaviors. Rather it is a state of no

longer protesting, demanding, or expecting the narcissist to be

anything other than who he is.

What Part Did/Do You Play?

Because caretakers are usually too eager to accept

responsibility for “making” the narcissist behave negatively,

understanding your part in the drama is tricky. The narcissist

behaves the way he does because of his own thoughts, feelings, and

choices. So do you. Yes, it’s easy to get pulled into demented and

dysfunctional interactions with the narcissist, but you have a much

greater ability to act differently than the narcissist does. You have

greater control over your behavior, and you don’t have the

narcissist’s delusions.

When you no longer feel susceptible to the narcissist’s

manipulation, insults, and biased opinions, you’re on the path to

forgiveness. You may be surprised that taking responsibility for your

own reactions around the narcissist can give you insight, confidence,

and the courage to protect yourself better and be more forgiving. As

you feel stronger and more in control of your life, you’ll find that you

are more compassionate and able to forgive the frailties of others.

Juanita hated the fights she used to get into with Manny. He

would call her names or demean her suggestions, and she would

instantly be angry and shout at him. It wasn’t until after they were

divorced that she understood how insecure and intimidated she had

felt around him. When Juanita heard stories about his volatile moods

from her two adult daughters, her anger would flare up again.

However, the girls didn’t get upset with their dad the way Juanita did.

They’d just stay away from him when he was aggravating and then

enjoy being with him when he was more positive. Eventually, Juanita

saw that she’d been using anger to protect herself from pain and

vulnerability. When she became more disengaged and cared less

about Manny’s opinions of her, she no longer needed anger to

protect herself. It dwindled away, and so too did her old pain.

Practicing Humility

Not only did the narcissist grow up with other narcissists, but

you too most likely grew up in a family with a parent or grandparent

who had a personality disorder or similar behaviors. You probably

learned during childhood to accommodate, adapt, and resign

yourself to crazy relationship patterns. However, a big difference is

that you didn’t inherit the brain wiring and emotional dysfunction that

keeps the narcissist so mired in his contrary and skewed thinking

and reacting. If you have a family member with a personality

disorder, you were just plain lucky not to have inherited the same

disability. You can see the misery he has in his life and the misery he

causes for others. You’ve had many challenges caused by the

narcissist in your life; however, I doubt that you’d ever choose to

exchange places with him. You can get away from the effects of

those inner demons, but the narcissist can’t.

LET GO OF GRIEVANCES

Let Go of Trying to Control and Punish

Forgiveness includes letting go of trying to control or punish the

narcissist for his behaviors. You definitely need to protect yourself

from future harm as much as possible. However, trying to change

narcissists, giving them ultimatums, or stipulating behaviors that

must be accomplished before you forgive only keeps you entangled

in continuing turmoil and dysfunction. It isn’t your job, nor is it

possible, for you to make the narcissist see his mistakes or change

his behaviors. Forgiveness isn’t dependent on the other person’s

shaping up or changing. You are not the monitor of the narcissist’s

behavior. Forgiveness is about your letting go.

Release Your Shame and Guilt

You’ll continue to be caught up in shame and guilt if you

continue to think you’re responsible for the narcissist’s moods and

behaviors. When you fully realize that the narcissist’s opinions and

perspective are no longer important to you, your shame and guilt will

soften and dissolve. Forgiveness comes from a place of acceptance

of yourself and the other person. There is no room for disgrace,

humiliation, or culpability. Keep checking on how your shame and

guilt are healing and dissolving, and notice how you feel stronger as

you let them go.

Let Go of Resentment and Revenge

Resentment and revenge feelings eat at your well-being and do

nothing to change anything about the narcissist. Any strong,

negative feelings you have toward the narcissist will be used by him

to keep you attached and enmeshed. Once you become the

narcissist’s enemy, he will enjoy seeing you upset and angry.

Narcissists feed off any energy, both negative and positive, that you

send in their direction. You may think you’d get a feeling of

satisfaction from seeing the narcissist crushed, but that’s usually

short-lived and doesn’t make a difference in your future. Moving on

with your own life toward love, joy, and contentment is your best

revenge.

FIND NEW MEANING

Finding new meaning and purpose in your life as the result of what

you’ve suffered can help a great deal toward moving you in the

direction of forgiveness. Writing about this disorder and offering help

to others who have been harmed by it have led me to a deeper

understanding of my own experiences and increased my strength

and resilience tremendously. Robert Enright, prominent researcher

and author on forgiveness, says,

there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering . . . focus

more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to

others in need . . . speaking your truth . . . strengthening your

inner resolve . . . [and] use your suffering to become more loving

and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of

itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.[2]

What insights, new competencies, and greater understanding,

strength, and compassion have you gained in this process of

healing? If you have trouble seeing those for yourself, ask your

friends and family to help you make a list. Validating what you’ve

gained helps your healing more than looking at what you’ve lost.

When you see yourself as tougher, firmer, and stronger, you’ll find

that forgiveness is more natural.

You’re now learning more about yourself than you may have

ever wanted to learn. What are you going to do with this new

information? How can you use these new insights to make your life

and the lives of others better? What opportunities have opened up?

What new directions for your energies and abilities are you

discovering? How can you use these challenging experiences to put

what you have learned to good use?

GETTING TO FORGIVENESS

The forgiveness of others, and especially the narcissist, is important

for your complete healing. You may find yourself able to forgive

certain words or actions but not others. Take it one piece at a time.

Forgive what you can, and keep working on letting go. Some things

can take years to fully release. For example, one client couldn’t

forgive her former husband for teasing and demeaning her children

until they reached adulthood. Only after she had evidence that they

were strong, capable, and not indelibly harmed could she finally let

go of her anger and reach forgiveness.

Forgiveness Changes You, Not the Other Person

Forgiveness may help the other person, but primarily it makes

important changes in you. It is the final step in your healing. When

you forgive another person, something inside of you lets go of the

final piece of victimization. It probably won’t completely eliminate

your hurt or even all of your anger, although it might. It’s an act that

comes from strength and also gives you strength. It facilitates letting

go of your ruminating, hostility, and rage. Continually thinking about

a past injury will keep that memory in the present, whereas

forgiveness lets it go. Forgiveness brings you to peace and allows

the hurtful event to recede into your memory, where it should be.

You do not need to tell the narcissist that you forgive him. In

fact, I don’t recommend it. An angry narcissist will use it against you

at some point, and a narcissist who has moved on doesn’t care.

Narcissists don’t think they have done anything that warrants

forgiveness anyway, so what’s the point? Narcissists tend to be

enraged or dismissive of your efforts, and that response can be

newly damaging.

Forgiving Yourself

Forgiveness is a two-part process. You forgive others when they

have harmed or victimized you, but being victimized in this highly

independent and self-sufficient culture almost always brings feelings

of guilt and shame. You may be angry at yourself for being gullible,

taken in, or misused. Undoubtedly, you also had your own defensive,

angry reactions to the narcissist’s behaviors that you feel guilty

about.

It may help you to know that even trained professional therapists

are regularly manipulated by narcissists and respond inappropriately.

Narcissists are clever and highly motivated to break down your

emotional defenses. They are excellent actors and amazingly

talented at protecting themselves. They fully believe that everyone

else is responsible for how they feel and what they do, so no arguing

or logic will sway their opinions. You end up feeling infuriated and

foolish.

How many other people do you know who have been deceived

and misled by the narcissist in your life? Do you think those people

are stupid, foolish, or daft? Do you judge them for falling under the

thrall of the narcissist’s charisma? If you find yourself criticizing or

judging them negatively, then you are probably still feeling victimized

and will need to continue to work on forgiving yourself. Keep working

on seeing your strengths and valuing your gains while letting go of

your shame and guilt. This process can take more time than you

might expect.

MOVING ON

It’s Not About Forgetting

I do not think the old adage “Forgive and forget” is a wise choice

for caretakers. Narcissists like to gloss over their misbehaviors, deny

the hurt they have caused, and lure you into feeling guilt or shame

for your reactions. You do not want to get lulled into thinking the

narcissist will be nicer in the future. As long as the narcissist is in

your life in any way, be prepared to deflect, disengage, and protect

yourself from potential harm. One of the reasons you stayed so long

in this manipulative relationship was your mental collusion to

diminish and forget the narcissist’s injurious behaviors. It will

continue to be important that you are aware the narcissist will keep

behaving just as he always has. Don’t expect anything different until,

and if, you ever see long-term changes in his moods and behaviors.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget the reality of the

narcissist’s dismissive and hurtful behaviors. Always be prepared.

Anger Doesn’t Protect You

You may think you want to hold on to your anger to protect

yourself from ever being tricked or controlled again. Anger does not

protect you. You were probably frequently angry throughout your

relationship with the narcissist, but that anger didn’t keep you from

getting hurt, nor did it stop the narcissist’s behaviors.

Anger is a strong energetic emotion. It can get you motivated

and activated to take care of yourself; leave the relationship; or to

take on new and scary endeavors, such as getting a job, moving out,

and being on your own. However, when you’re angry at the

narcissist, you’re still attached, connected, and entangled with him.

Continued anger indicates that you’re still emotionally involved with

the narcissist. Disengagement from the narcissist’s power and

influence over your emotions and your life is the only way to

effectively protect yourself. Forgiveness won’t fully happen until your

anger has dissipated enough that you no longer get strongly

reactivated by the narcissist’s new, obnoxious behaviors.

After you’ve forgiven behaviors of the past, it is your

responsibility to keep yourself away from further damaging

interactions. Your new strength, resilience, awareness, and

understanding of the narcissist and yourself will be better defenses

and protection than anger.

Moving from Victim to Empowerment

The amazing thing about forgiveness is that it moves you from

feeling like a victim to being empowered. It’s a position of strength

and potency. It feels much better than shame, guilt, resentment, or

fear. Acknowledging what you’ve learned and gained from this

challenging and arduous experience can liberate and energize you

to move forward. Forgiveness helps you relegate your anger and

hurt to the past. It’s over. Even if or when you have contact with the

narcissist again, you’re forever changed and a more resilient person.

Your participation in his drama is over.

Disconnect Your Energy from the Narcissist

Emotionally disconnecting and walking away is the only way to

“win” and the only way to end the narcissist’s manipulation over you.

It is your best protection from further harm and helps you regain

power over your own life. It’s hard to reach forgiveness with

someone who is still doing the same harmful behaviors toward you,

but when you stop caring and emotionally disconnect, you will feel

safer, stronger, and more willing to forgive and move on.

CONCLUSION

Forgiveness moves you into the present, and encourages old, hurtful

memories to recede into the past. Empathy and understanding help

you see the disorder of narcissism more objectively. As you heal,

you can also have compassion for your anger and reactions, and

you are more able to let go of your grievances, guilt, and resentment.

You may even find new meaning for your life. Forgiveness is for your

healing and can come only when you are ready and able to let go.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

How much sympathy are you doing instead of empathy?

What boundaries do you still need to put into place with the

narcissist?

What judgments are you holding onto about the narcissist?

What does the narcissist say and do that still feels personally

about you?

What self-judgments and criticisms do you still need to release?

What responses or reactions to the narcissist do you want to

stop doing?

What lingering resentments do you have toward the narcissist?

What do you feel when you think about completely disengaging

emotionally from the narcissist?

What do you still need to heal before you are ready to forgive?

What strengths, skills, and insights have you gained through this

process?

What new meanings and purposes in your life are you

discovering?

NOTES

1. Task Force on DSM-IV. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of

Mental Disorders, 4th Edition. American Psychiatric Association,

Washington, DC, 2005, p. 633.

2. Enright, Robert. “Eight Steps Towards Forgiveness.” Adapted from

8 Keys to Forgiveness. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 2015.

Accessed through DailyGood.org.

Chapter 16

Coming Home to Yourself

“Never let yesterday use up too much of today.”

—Will Rogers

BE HERE NOW

Being in the moment is healing. It is also the only thing that is truly

possible. You can’t actually go back to the past and change

anything, and the future isn’t here yet. Although you can plan for the

future, you’re not in control of what actually happens in the long run.

So this present moment is actually what you have to work with.

The present moment is healing partly because of what your

mind tends to do with those lingering past memories and future

imaginings. When you spend a lot of time thinking about the past,

you tend to feel either nostalgic for what you remember as pure and

wonderful, or you feel guilty for what you did—or for what you didn’t

do perfectly. On the other hand, most thoughts about the future are

either fantasies that are likely to lead to disappointment or thoughts

that bring up fears and anxiety about what might happen that you

want to avoid. Spending too much time thinking about either the past

or the future keeps you anxious and guilty and also keeps you from

noticing what is happening in the present. This means that you’re not

here in reality, you’re not paying attention, and you’re not enjoying or

dealing with whatever is going on right now in your life.

Living with the narcissist was all about the past and the future

because the present was often too painful and confusing to deal

with. The narcissist kept blaming you for his past mistakes while

promising a new and more wonderful future. You kept trying to

analyze the past to figure out what to expect next. You tried to hold

on to hope for a future that would be better than you were currently

experiencing. The present was the last place you probably wanted to

be.

What Being Present Feels Like

To have a happier life, you need to relearn how to live in the

present. The following exercise is designed to help you become

aware of what now feels like. You might want to record it and then

play it back so you can enjoy the experience.

Task

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Let your shoulders drop.

Notice any sounds you hear. Notice the air on your skin. Now pay

attention to how your body feels. Do a quick check in with each area

of your body, all the way from your head down to your neck,

shoulders, arms, hands, back, chest, stomach, hips, thighs, calves,

and feet. If anything feels tight or painful just touch that area and

gently rub it for a moment or two. Keep breathing as you do this.

Now notice whether you are in a safe place. Is there any threat

around you at this moment? Is anything bad happening right now?

Notice whether your body is relaxed or on alert. If all is safe, let your

body relax out of its alert mode. Observe how it feels to not be on

alert. If you can’t relax very much, just notice that.

What feelings you are experiencing? Are you sad, depressed, or

demoralized? Notice how these feelings are about the past. Are you

anxious, worried, or apprehensive? These feelings are about the

future. Try to be here in only this one moment, no thoughts of the

past and no thoughts about the future. How does that feel? Take a

deep breath and open your eyes.

Notice how your body feels after doing this exercise. Are your

thoughts different in any way? How long did it take you to do the

exercise? This is how quickly you can feel better. Being in the

present moves you away from most of what makes your life unhappy

—negative experiences from the past and anxiety and fears of the

future.

It is unlikely that you’re going to do that exercise every minute of

the day, but you could do it once in the morning and then right before

you go to bed. You’ll find that you feel much more relaxed and

aware.

Practicing the Now

As you practice being in the present, you’ll find that you’re more

aware of what is going on around you and that you’re less easily

confused or fooled by the narcissist’s crazy rhetoric. You’ll be better

able to identify what you are feeling, which then leads you to being

aware of what you want to do in each situation. It will help you make

choices that feel good to you. You’re likely to notice that you actually

feel better being present than you may have expected. So here is an

on-the-go method to check in with yourself designed by Debra

Burdick.[1] This exercise uses the acronym SOLAR, making it easy to

remember.

Stop and notice what is going on around you. Especially

notice how you’re feeling and thinking at that moment.

Observe, identify, and accept. Observe what is happening

and what you’re feeling. Identify the behaviors, thoughts, and

feelings that are happening, without making any judgments,

criticisms, or decisions at this moment. Accept that what you’re

observing and feeling right now is true.

Let it go. Don’t get into a drama with the situation, the

thought, or the feeling right now. All you need to do is say to

yourself “That’s interesting.” Almost nothing has to be decided,

changed, or solved at this specific moment. Let it be until you

have time to reflect on whether it’s even important to consider

further.

And return your attention to whatever you were doing.

This whole awareness tool can take only seconds to do. The

step that takes the most practice is learning to observe—and accept.

In the past, you would likely see a situation, or notice a thought, or

feel a strong emotion, but you probably didn’t do all three together.

It’s important to identify and name all three so you collect all the

information necessary to decide later whether there is anything you

want to do about what is happening. Acceptance is key. One way to

help yourself accept without judgment is to start out with the word

yes. Here’s an example based on the SOLAR technique.

Your former spouse is coming to pick up the rest of his

belongings from your house. In the past you have worried for

hours about seeing him. Your stomach would churn, and your

mind would race through dozens of old memories and hurts.

Just seeing him would make you feel horrible about yourself. So

here is something to try instead.

Stop. When you start to worry, stop and notice the thoughts

and feelings you’re having. Mostly you notice they are all

about the past. Bring yourself to today, this minute.

Observe. Identify the thoughts and feelings that scare you,

such as I’m so scared he’ll say something nasty to me.

Notice this thought is about the future. Bring yourself back

to the present. Instead of ignoring your anxiety or being

ashamed or mad at yourself, just notice and say Yes, that is

what I feel. Accept that he is likely to act the way he always

has, and remember who you know yourself to be. I’m

anxious, but I can get through this. I know I’m a good

person, and I don’t have to believe anything he says about

me.

Let it go. Remind yourself that it no longer has to matter

what he says or does. You have already collected his things

together. It will be over and done in a few minutes, which

you know you can handle. You breathe, calm yourself, and

do your relaxing techniques.

And return to what you were doing before.

Now you can decide if you want to do anything more to help

resolve the feelings you’re having. SOLAR helps you see more

clearly what you’re thinking and feeling so you can decide what you

want to do. You’re no longer ruminating and spiraling into worry and

anxiety and feeling helpless. You have brought yourself into the

present, where you can make a choice about what to do. Perhaps

your anxiety is so high that you don’t want to be present at all when

he comes to get his belongings. Maybe you feel you could handle

things more comfortably if a friend, your lawyer, your therapist, or a

neighbor were there with you. Possibly you feel strong enough to

handle it on your own. Knowing what you actually feel in the present

helps you decide what plan will be best for you.

When you have a plan in place, you can let the worry go

because your thoughts are no longer being pulled into a fantasy

drama about some horrific, imaginary unknown that might happen.

Beware of Distractions

There are a million ways to distract yourself from being alive and

present in your life. How do you distract yourself? When do you use

distraction the most? Do you perhaps try to avoid feelings that you

don’t like, such as needs you are ashamed of or hopes and dreams

that you don’t feel you deserve to pursue?

One client said she spent hours playing computer solitaire. I had

her do the SOLAR exercise while playing solitaire to see what she

could discover. She observed that she felt lonely, numb, and

disgusted with herself. Instead of distracting herself from these

feelings, I suggested that she quietly sit and observe them. She was

too anxious to do that at home alone, so she sat in my office with her

eyes closed and identified each thought and feeling that surfaced. I

coached her to stop any self-criticism.

She discovered that she was, indeed, lonely, but far from numb.

She was angry, hurt, depressed, and despondent. The act of labeling

her feelings made her aware that she was an outgoing person who

was shutting herself in her home for fear of meeting her former

narcissistic spouse in public and having an emotional reaction.

Together, we devised a plan for her to socialize with friends at home

or go out with a group so she felt free but surrounded and protected

by allies and supporters.

Distractions are OK in the short term, but if they become a habit,

you’re just putting off the inevitable. Your feelings and needs don’t go

away. If you don’t pay attention to them, they get more persistent, or

they go underground and can eventually turn into depression, self-

doubt, and anxiety. That was likely the state you were in when you

were with the narcissist. Your feelings and needs were invisible and

rarely got any attention. Don’t do that to yourself now.

Stop Tuning Out

In your relationship with the narcissist, you devised many ways

to tune out, avoid, discount, or devalue your own interests,

preferences, and needs. You were so willing to give in to the

narcissist that you may have even forgotten what you liked and

disliked. It’s time to tune in to yourself again. You can’t expect people

to read your mind or be able to guess what you are wanting and

needing. Make your preferences known. Ask others for help.

One client who had learned never to ask for anything from her

former narcissistic husband haltingly and with some nervousness

asked her friend to water her African violets while she was on

vacation. She was amazed and relieved when her friend said, “Yes,

of course. What are friends for?” You don’t have to give up your own

needs to have friends who care about you. Be who you are. Expose

your special interests, your likes and dislikes, and your honest

feelings. That is a great way to sift through all the people you meet to

find the ones whom you truly like and who resonate with you.

RELEASE THE PAST

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

There are literally thousands of past interactions that you could

look back on with the knowledge, experience, and information you

have now and say I could have, would have, or should have done

something different. There are many fallacies in this thinking.

Those interactions and experiences made you who you are

today. You couldn’t do then what you can do now because

you’re now different.

You’ve gained information and knowledge about yourself

and the other person since then that you couldn’t use at the time

because you didn’t know it.

You’re probably mistaken about the amount of power and

ability you had then to change things—especially with a

narcissist.

You can’t go back and change the past. This whole line of

retroactive, negative self-judgment is a big waste of energy and

just makes you feel bad about yourself.

What you can do instead is figure out what you want to do now

when these situations come up again. Use the phrase “I will

________ or I choose to _______.” Identify what you’ll say or do in

that instance. Then file it away for future use. I’ve noticed repeatedly

that when you figure out a good way to deal with a situation that was

difficult in the past, that situation rarely comes up again. When you

handle problem interactions effectively, they don’t tend to reappear

as often. Chewing over old experiences doesn’t help protect or

prepare you to handle them in the future, but having a plan makes a

huge difference.

What Are You Still Hanging On To?

Too much time absorbed in injuries from the past brings up hurt,

guilt, and doubts that are typically not useful for moving on in your

life. Hanging on to these old grievances is much more harmful than

helpful. As you’re ending this relationship, now is a good time to

neutralize these old injustices. The following exercise shows you a

way to reduce the effect of past hurts.

Task

Make a list of the old situations that still hurt and make you

angry. Choose one to work on. What would you like to have said or

done that would have felt better to you? Write down your new

response. Notice how this new response feels. You can even go one

step further and play out the new response scenario in your mind in

a strong and confident manner. Whenever that memory comes back,

replay it with your new response. You may be surprised that over

time the memory may eventually change to the new version. Use this

technique with the other hurtful memories on your list and see them

dissolve into the past, where they belong.

Repurpose Your Dreams

Sometimes it’s hard to release the past because it contains old

dreams, hopes, and goals. Many hurtful experiences with the

narcissist are about those dreams and hopes being ruined. You

wanted a loving relationship, a partnership, and a feeling of safety

and love. You thought you were building a life together, saving

money for your dream goals, buying a home, having children. Many

of these dreams were tarnished or demolished by the narcissist’s

actions. It’s time to repurpose your dreams so you can discharge this

pain and regain your hopes for the future.

Almost everything you wanted to do with the narcissist can be

done on your own or with somebody else. There may need to be

adjustments in the where, when, and how, but your core dreams are

part of who you are and are not dependent on the narcissist. You are

the fundamental source of these dreams. You just previously thought

the narcissist was going to be a part of them. Even though the

narcissist is now off in another direction, you can still move forward.

Task

One definition of a dream is something notable for its beauty,

excellence, or enjoyable quality. Make a list—with specific details—

of your fondest hopes and dreams for your life. Here’s an example

from one of my clients.

Dream Details

Have

a loving

family

Loving means understanding, empathy, calm, safe, secure, and

genuine.

Family means people I’m related to or feel very, very close to.

Marriage (Oops! That’s a different dream.)

Family means children. I don’t have children. Now I’ll probably never

have kids. I really want to be around children. Whose children? In what

ways can I be around children? Possible interactions with children: My

sister has two boys. I also teach piano lessons to kids.

Using this list helped my client realize she had several viable

and enjoyable options for a greater feeling of family. She decided to

spend more time with her sister’s family and her nephews, especially

on holidays and vacations, and she began attending the boys’

sporting events. She also remembered that she had had a dream of

creating a community of piano teachers, students, and parents,

which she had let go of previously because her narcissistic husband

dismissed it as “stupid and boring.” She designed several social

events and recitals that brought people together and eventually

helped raise money for scholarships for children who wanted but

couldn’t afford music lessons. Out of her loneliness and dream of

family and community, she found a way to connect, enjoy

companionship, and use her interests and skills where they helped

others and were greatly appreciated. This didn’t look like her original

dream from her twenties, which was based on a husband and

children of her own, but it fulfilled all of the basic elements of what

she truly needed today, in her late forties, for a sense of family,

contentment, and fulfillment. Almost every dream can be repurposed

if you give it enough thought.

Other Exercises for Releasing

Intrusive, painful memories or thoughts can come up

unexpectedly from your subconscious mind. That part of your mind

responds and works more commonly in images or feelings, so

symbolic gestures can often help to redirect and reprogram it. Here

are some ideas from former clients.

Box up all of your pictures of the narcissist and tape it

closed. Put the box in storage until you are ready to let it go

completely, burn the box, or throw the box in the trash.

Rip up or burn your wedding outfit.

Sell the presents the narcissist gave you. Use the money to

do something fun.

Clean everything out of your house that reminds you of the

narcissist. Give it away.

Block, unfriend, and delete digital references to the

narcissist on all your devices.

When old, negative memories come to mind, imagine

clicking to a different channel.

Buy a new bed, new sheets, and/or new dishes.

Rearrange the furniture.

Go to your old, favorite places with new friends. Make new

experiences there.

Start a new exercise routine. It’s amazing how this can

change your thoughts and feelings.

Learn a new skill. Give your mind something new to think

about.

Now add your ideas.

Let Go of the Narcissist’s Image of You

You’re nothing like the picture the narcissist has of you. When

you got involved, he created a dream image of you that was

idealized and put you on a pedestal. The image had some of the

qualities and traits you have, but it wasn’t you. After the narcissist

kicked you off the pedestal, his description of you was almost

entirely opposite from the original picture. You aren’t that image

either. When you continue to carry around in your mind the

narcissist’s depiction of you, it will be difficult to see yourself

accurately or to be free of your worry about what the narcissist thinks

of you.

It’s time to completely let go of the narcissist’s image of you.

That image keeps you trapped, like being in a circus fun house of

distorted mirrors, and it’s time to leave. As soon as you turn your

back on those painful images, you’ll feel relieved and more confident

and accepting of yourself. You no longer need to care what the

narcissist says about you because you’re now connecting with

healthier people who can easily see who you are and what you do.

Just be yourself. Every time you allow others to see who you really

are, the more they will like you. It reinforces that you’re not who and

what the narcissist says you are.

Task

Here’s a way to let these things go. Imagine each crazy thing

the narcissist has said about you as if each one were a tiny grain of

sand. Let all of those grains of sand flow into a bowl. You might

anticipate that the bowl would be heavy, but surprisingly it’s not. Pick

up the bowl in both your hands. Take the bowl to a place that you

never want to go to again—perhaps a desert, or the North Pole, or

the deepest point in the ocean. Set the bowl down gently. Turn

around and leave. As you visualize this, I suggest that you actually

pick up a bowl in both of your hands and then set it down because it

will make the experience more vivid in your memory.

As Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel,

because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t

mind.” Good words to live by.

REDUCING FUTURE FEARS

What Ifs

Ninety-nine percent of all the what ifs that we invent never come

to pass. Future fears are one of those pastimes that waste energy,

create havoc, and expand your anxiety for no good reason. Having a

plan and even a backup plan for your top couple of probable

expectations is rational. Having a plan for every contingency you can

imagine leads to high anxiety and immobilization.

Limit how much time you spend ruminating about possible

reactions from the narcissist—or anyone else. Anticipating the worst

keeps you from living your life comfortably and with enjoyment, and it

does nothing to actually prepare you for what might happen.

Typically, you just find yourself reviewing the same aggravating and

upsetting scenes in your mind. This is a form of self-harm that you

can choose to stop, but it takes determination and practice. Although

these are only thoughts, not things that are actually happening now,

your subconscious mind often triggers your body to respond to them

as if they were real. This is exhausting and can cause chronic stress

symptoms—all instigated by your racing thoughts. Getting over the

habits of worrying and being anxious is worth the effort.

Anxiety doesn’t just occur randomly. It’s triggered by your

anticipation of something vague and unpredictable happening at any

moment. If you’ve spent many years on the edge not knowing what

crazy or distressing thing the narcissist might say or do next, your

entire mental and physical systems may be overresponsive, always

on guard and ready to freeze or run away. It may take a while to dial

down your overreactive alarm system.

Remember the SOLAR exercise about tuning in to the present

moment and practice it daily. When you find yourself going to the

past or the future, gently bring yourself back to the present. Don’t be

harsh or critical in any way. Find things that engage your attention

right now so it’s less tempting to let your mind wander. One client

imagines an internal bell that she rings in her mind whenever she

notices herself worrying or feeling anxious about something that

hasn’t happened yet or may never happen. It’s her self-reminder to

stop and move on to other thoughts. Each time you change your

thinking from fear to calmness, the less anxious you’ll be and the

happier you’ll feel.

Dial Down Your Anxiety

Self-nurturing and self-compassion are good steps for relaxing

and lowering your anxiety. To fully heal, you need to take self-

nurturing seriously and build it into your daily routine—not just for

now, but forever. Think of self-kindness and compassion as

medicines that you need

every day to heal and regain your strength. You’ll also need to use

them in the future to keep yourself from returning to caretaking

behaviors. What nurtures you? My grandmother believed that fresh

grown, homemade food was what kept her mentally and physically

healthy until she died at 101 years old. Here are some other

examples:

A ten-minute walk outside

Music

Hugging yourself

Weekly massages

Reading a book

Calling a friend who listens

Making art

Quiet time with yourself

Task

Make a list of what nurtures you, and pick one thing to do for at

least five minutes every day. Make a date with yourself once a week

to spend a full hour doing something nurturing for yourself. Think you

don’t have time? Poppycock! Take some time away from taking care

of everyone else and give it to yourself. It will give you more energy,

joy, and much more enthusiasm and love to give to others than you

had before. You have to fill up your own reservoirs of need before

you have enough to give to others. Every time you give energy out to

others, you have to replenish. One reason you got stuck in an

unhealthy relationship was because you quit taking care of your own

needs.

Your ability to soothe, nurture, and calm yourself is invaluable in

lowering anxiety, healing, and maintaining emotional strength.

Alcohol, drugs, smoking, overeating, or nonstop TV watching can be

quick ways to calm yourself, but they’ll eventually bring more stress

and problems than they relieve. Try the exercises in this book

instead.

Personal Safe Haven

Having effective ways to nurture yourself and creating an

internal safe haven within are two powerful ways to truly protect and

keep yourself sustained throughout whatever may happen. You can

train your mind to create an internal sense of safety and well-being

instead of using anything outside yourself, such as chemicals, food,

stimulation, or other people. Try this visualization.

Task

Think about a place that feels safe, nurturing, and comfortable

to you. Imagine you are there right now. What feels good about this

place? Notice your body relaxing. Take a deep breath and relax even

more. Bring to mind something or someone that helps you feel cared

about and loved. As you notice that good feeling, help it grow and

expand until you experience it all over your body. Select a nurturing

word or phrase to remind you of this feeling. Hold on to these images

and feelings as you take your right hand and run it gently from the

top of your head, down your left shoulder, and on down your arm and

hand. Now repeat this stroking action using your left hand, and move

down your right side. Take a deep breath and place both hands over

your heart. Cross your arms and give yourself a hug.

This exercise takes only seconds. Practicing it trains your mind

to go to your safe place instantly even in stressful situations. Bring

up the image of your safe haven; gently touch your head, shoulders,

or arms; or say the word you selected and your mind and body will

calm. It’s your home base that you carry with you wherever you go.

The more you use it, the stronger and more composed you’ll feel.

Create a “Code of Well-Being”

According to Dave Ramsey, “When you base your life on

principles, most of your decisions are made before you encounter

them.”[2] Use your principles to create a core set of rules, or Code of

Well-Being, to guide your life and head you in the direction you really

want to go. Too often caretakers use the rules and preferences of the

narcissist rather than their own principles.

Task

You’ve learned a lot of hard lessons from your relationship with

the narcissist. To create a Code of Well-Being, write down the

insights and guiding principles you’ve learned as a result. Use words

that resonate and feel empowering to you. Keep it posted

somewhere, and add to it whenever you learn something new. You

might also want to write down why each one is important to you as a

reminder. These will be invaluable guides for the future. Here are

some principles that former clients have shared:

Never give more energy out to others than I am currently

receiving into my life.

Give others a chance to give back.

Don’t try to fix anyone else’s life.

Don’t try to do the emotional work for others (e.g., read

books for them, call a therapist for them, make excuses or

apologies for them, give them more chances than you would

give yourself, or say it doesn’t matter).

Don’t deny or ignore any feeling that comes up.

Don’t blame anyone else for my feelings.

Never “go along” to keep the peace.

Better to deal with the problem now than later.

You could also create a collage of images to represent each

principle to anchor it more strongly in your mind. Ask a trusted friend

or loved one to remind you of your standards when she or he sees

you getting off track, if you feel comfortable doing that. When you

keep in mind what you have learned, no one else can mislead,

scam, or threaten you into acting any way other than what is right for

you. When you know you’re living by your Code, you’ll be less

anxious because you are ready to handle whatever comes up.

Finding Your People

For thousands of years, humans lived in clans and villages,

where nearly everyone was related in some way. In each little group,

people tended to look alike, talk alike, and have the same values and

beliefs. It felt safe. Choices were made as a family about marriage

partners, work, and property.

In just a few hundred years, all that has changed. Now

individuals are required to make every life decision on their own.

This has advantages, but it also has disadvantages, such as anxiety,

the possibility for huge mistakes, and a sense of loneliness due to

lack of community. Since you aren’t automatically in a clan or village

of like-minded people, you have to find your people, that is, your own

sense of belonging, your own friends, career, spouse, and

community. And because people move around a lot more, you may

have to continually work to find your people. How to do this well has

become one of the dilemmas of the “modern age.”

Obviously, you’ve found out that narcissists are not your people.

But who are your people? To find where you feel you really belong,

you have to know who you are, what you want, what you believe in,

and how you want to live your life. When you know these things

about yourself, you’ll know what kind of people you’re looking for.

Most people enjoy others who are similar to themselves, but who are

enough different to be interesting, and who bring new information

and talents into the relationship. I’ll say more about this in the next

chapter.

MOVING FORWARD

Appreciate Yourself

Gratefulness toward others can be a catalyst to appreciating

yourself. Other people love, support, and help sustain you, as you do

the same for them. You are just as important to others as they are to

you. Appreciating what you give to others is essential to learning

your value as a person. Most caretakers think they need to give five

or ten times more to others than they receive, to be a good person.

This actually means you are devaluing what you offer at five or ten

times less than what you receive. This inevitably creates an

imbalance in your relationships and can lead to your being

undervalued and exploited. You need to know your worth and that

you have a right to expect others to appreciate what you are offering.

Appreciating your value doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to

become boastful or demand that others thank you for everything you

do. It means that you’ll choose carefully who you give to. If your gifts

are unappreciated, you simply stop giving to that person and give to

others who will be grateful. Notice how your gifts are treated by

others, and use that as information to move toward or away from

relationships appropriately.

Task

In your journal, list the traits, qualities, skills, and ways of

showing love that you bring to relationships. Turn each one into a

positive statement about yourself, starting with the words I am. For

example, I am

warm and thoughtful.

considerate of other people’s feelings.

a good friend.

excellent at handling finances.

funny.

loyal.

You deserve to be appreciated for everything that is on your list,

and you also deserve to receive these same things from others.

Rely on Your Strengths

It can feel daunting to think about being on your own without

your former relationship or to think about finding a new relationship.

You’re finding out so much about yourself. You have undoubtedly

found that you are stronger than you thought you were. You’ve gone

through a tremendous loss, and yet here you are trying your best to

understand what happened and learn what to do that would work

better. This shows tremendous courage, resilience, and an inquiring

mind. You’re not a person who sits around moaning forever. You’re

someone who wants to get going, do things differently, heal your

pain, and move on to a better life. You’re someone who perseveres

and is determined despite difficulties and troubles.

You’re strong. You’re repairing, restoring, and rebuilding. As you

learn new skills and heal old wounds, you’ll come to a greater

wholeness. You’ll feel more confident, and eventually you’ll find joy

again. The new choices you make in the future will be more

satisfying and successful because you have done the work of

healing. Life is definitely going to get better.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

How much time do you spend thinking about the past?

How much time do you spend worrying about the future?

When you did the SOLAR exercise, what did you notice?

How do you distract yourself? How helpful or hurtful are those

distractions?

How much do you let others know what you are thinking and

feeling?

What fears do you have about being more open and truly

yourself around others?

What regrets are you hanging on to? How could you let them

go?

What past dreams would you like to repurpose?

What do you still need to release? How do you plan to do that?

What helps you reduce your anxiety?

How quickly can you get to your safe haven? What does it feel

like there?

What principles or Code of Well-Being have you identified for

your life?

How can you become more aware of your value to others?

How much do you appreciate your strengths?

NOTES

1. Burdick, Debra. Mindfulness Skills Workbook for Clinicians and

Clients. Eau Claire, WI: PESI, 2013, pp. 59–60.

2. Ramsey, Dave. The Total Money Makeover. Nashville, TN: Nelson

Books, 2013.

Chapter 17

Finding Others to Love

“And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

—Anais Nin

LOVE OTHERS AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF

Caretakers believe that if they give enough love, they will be loved in

return. This doesn’t work with narcissists, who have a low ability to

love others. Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life,[1]

suggests that you fill yourself up with love, and then as you overflow,

send that extra out to others.

This is love that won’t deplete you, won’t leave you empty and

needy, and won’t abandon you. If someone doesn’t appreciate your

gift of love, you just pull back, knowing that it will not leave you

wanting because you are always filling yourself up. In addition, this

method reduces fears of being alone, unloved, or rejected. How do

you do this? There are three ways to fill up with love—be open to

love from others, feel love from universal energy, and love yourself

through self-care and a positive, compassionate attitude toward

yourself.

Love from Others

Being around loving, supportive people who are interested in

your well-being is important to your feeling filled up. Too much

isolation, too much time thinking about the past or the future, and

overgiving can lead to feeling empty and lonely. You need to get

attention and validation from others—to be seen, heard, and

responded to. Other people pull you into the present when you

interact, which makes you feel alive and joyful. You exchange energy

with others and feel rejuvenated. Accepting and allowing others to

love you can do a lot to fill you up.

Universal Love and Energy

I also believe that it’s important to have a conduit to universal

love. You may call this God, or Allah, or Yahweh, or a Higher Power,

or all-enveloping love, or universal energy, or whatever you choose.

When you know deep in your heart that you belong, that you deserve

to be alive, and that you have not just been left on this earth to fend

for yourself, then you have access to energy that can carry you

through hard times. This energy, however, can be hard to connect

with when everything seems to be going wrong. You can feel very

alone and empty then. Here is one way to get back in contact with

that energy.

Task

Focus on your breath. Your breath is the energy of life that

surges through you in every moment. Where did it come from? You

have this breath of life just as everyone else on earth has it. Do you

deserve it any less than anyone else? Every time you breathe in you

are accepting this gift of life. Every time you breathe out you are

letting go of that which you no longer need—carbon dioxide, hurt,

sadness, stress, the past. Take a moment now to breathe. Get in

touch with your own source of life.

Focus on your feet. You are standing on the earth, which

provides you and everyone else support, food, and all forms of

useful plants, minerals, and animals that make your life here

possible. The earth gives this support to everyone without picking

and choosing. It also gives you the oxygen that sustains your breath.

Stand on the earth, breathe in, and let yourself accept this gift.

Focus on the sun and the moon. These planetary bodies make

life on earth possible. The sun supplies unlimited energy to all—with

no favoritism. The moon keeps our oceans alive and offers everyone

a sense of being loved and watched over. Accept this energy as your

birthright. Let it flow into you.

Now take a moment to thank the universe for being in such

balance that these gifts were given to you and that you can depend

on them every day. Take time to appreciate the fact that you didn’t

have to earn these gifts. They’re yours for free and forever.

Each time you tune in and appreciate these things, you’ll notice

that it fills you with energy and expands your hope. That transfer of

energy is available to strengthen you—whenever you choose. Rely

on it to recharge yourself. Use this universal energy when you offer

help to others. Fill yourself up and then give it out to others instead

of using your own physical and psychic energy.

DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIPS

When you leave a love relationship, it is tempting to want to find a

replacement as soon as possible. However, as you can see, the

process of healing takes time, reflection, new self-awareness, and

rebuilding. Investing in the good friendships that you have and

developing new ones are at the core of this step in your healing.

Relationships with friends can help you practice more equal give-

and-take. You can open up and share deeper parts of yourself. You

can try out new skills, such as setting boundaries, speaking up for

yourself, and being more assertive. With friends you can see

yourself more objectively, practice skills, and try out new responses.

It’s important to have a solid set of friends before going back

into a love relationship. You will need their support, as well as their

observations, insight, and honest responses to evaluate anyone new

who comes into your life. You may not agree with everything they

have to say, but you can use this information to make better

decisions as you move forward.

OPENING TO LOVE AGAIN

Your former caretaker role may have left you so exhausted and

burned out that you think you’ll never want to be in a relationship

again. You may not trust your own ability to see who will and won’t

be suitable for you. On the other hand, you may be desperate to get

into a relationship again to soothe your pain and loneliness. As long

as you are in either of these states, you’re probably not healed

enough to choose wisely.

However, there will come a time when you are ready. When you

feel content with your life and it feels full and joyful, you’ll find

yourself willing and able to share your life with another person. As

you heal your emotional pain, rebuild your self-esteem, and learn to

accept caring from others, you’ll find the life you are looking for—or it

may find you.

Fear, desperation, depression, and anxiety can all get in the way

of your being open to love again. As you heal the pain from the past,

you’ll be ready to choose who to bring closer and who to move away

from. Your principles will be guiding you rather than neediness or

fear. Knowing that you can take care of yourself, you’ll no longer be

desperate to find someone to make your life OK. You can begin to

count on your feelings to lead you toward people, experiences, and

choices that will resonate with who you are and what you truly want

for your life.

RED FLAGS

As you explore new love relationships always stay aware of your

responses. Never discount any feeling that comes up. Consider your

feelings, intuition, and keen observations, and use these to

understand yourself and the other person. As soon as you notice any

sense of things not feeling quite right, step back, observe, and give

full consideration to what you are noticing. Here is a summary of the

red flags I give out to my clients to help them spot when things aren’t

quite right in a new relationship.

Move away from the other person and evaluate your situation

before going forward whenever you

feel engulfed, controlled, or manipulated.

see an emotional double standard in the relationship.

experience your feelings being denied, criticized, or

dismissed.

feel unheard or not listened to.

notice the other person always needs to be right.

feel your self-esteem diminishing.

see a need in the other person to control the money for his

or her benefit.

feel there is something “not right,” for example, secrets or

unexplained behaviors.

feel criticized, blamed, put down, or discounted (often done

jokingly at first).

feel confused by “explanations” that you’re given about

hurtful behaviors.

observe out-of-control, overly intense emotional reactions.

Any time you find yourself uncomfortable with how another

person is acting around you, immediately take notice. Observe the

behavior, notice your feelings, and assess whether the interaction is

respectful, loving, caring, and considerate of you. If it is not, step

away from the interaction, and give yourself time to reflect. It may

also be wise to talk with someone you trust about the situation to get

perspective and feedback. Then decide what you want to do or say.

Take every new relationship slowly to give yourself time to trust your

new skills and instincts.

You may also find when you move toward a new love

relationship that your old caretaking behaviors automatically kick in.

Keep a close eye on your behaviors as well. Be aware of when you

do any of the following things:

Give up activities, people, or goals that are important to you

to be in this relationship

Feel hopeless and helpless for seemingly no reason

Forget what is important to you

Find yourself giving in to keep the peace

Condone behaviors that are against your values

Do more and more for the other person

Feel unappreciated for all you do

Tell yourself you don’t have any preferences or passions

that are worth fighting about

No longer easily express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas

Try harder to please when you are treated badly

Ignore or forget to take good emotional, physical, or

spiritual care of yourself

These behaviors don’t indicate that you should end the

relationship; they’re reminders of things to notice and think about.

Assess whether the other person is inviting you to caretake him or

her. On the other hand, you may be caretaking even when the other

person doesn’t need or want you to. Be aware of automatically

jumping into caretaking responses, and take steps to change those

responses. You may feel awkward and uncomfortable as you

approach a new relationship without caretaking. Always be aware as

you navigate a new relationship. Keep at it, and you’ll find it gets

easier. Finally, don’t waste your time on relationships that aren’t

leading you where you want to go.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

What are you looking for? Have you ever sat down and written out

the qualities you desire in a partner or set up standards for the types

of interactions you yearn for? Have you created a picture in your

mind of how the two of you would work together, spend time with

each other and apart, resolve differences, get along with each

other’s family, spend and save money, divide up chores, and

experience your sexuality?

Talk About It Sooner Rather than Later

Don’t wait until you decide this is a serious relationship to share

your ideas and feelings about these things. Telling yourself to wait

and see what the other person’s ideas are is a caretaking response.

The wonderful advantage of being open and clear about who you

are, what you feel, and what you prefer from the moment you meet

someone is that you zero in more quickly on whether the relationship

will be compatible for you. It means that you can sort out what won’t

work early on before you get too emotionally committed. Then you’re

less likely to spend months or years trying to convince each other to

see things your way because you don’t really work well together.

When you use the wait-and-see model, you’ll already be emotionally

and sexually involved before you even find out if the relationship has

the potential to work for you.

A Stronger Relationship Model

Having a well-defined model of what you want based on your

principles will help you sort through your options when you meet

someone new. This gives you a solid foundation for judging the core

elements of the relationship while providing for flexibility and

individuality.

Partnership relationships tend to be more stable and durable

than the superior/inferior model you had with the narcissist. They

require two people who can contribute ideas, tolerate different points

of view, and negotiate disagreements and have equal consideration.

Because you’ll be more aware of your differences, you’ll also need to

have good communication skills and flexibility. However, these

differences have the potential to result in higher-quality decisions

and greater longevity of the relationship.

Needy or dependent relationships such as between a narcissist

and caretaker resemble the letter A—both people leaning on each

other. This model collapses if one person steps away by thinking

differently or wanting to do anything separately. The partnership

relationship resembles the letter H. It’s pretty easy to see that the H

shape is much stronger and allows each person to stand on his or

her own, while still being connected. Two strong, independent people

bonded together can move forward more easily and weather difficult

times much more effectively than two dependent people.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Think back and consider what you were looking for in a love

partner when you met the narcissist. What was it that appealed to

you about him? Make a list of these things and compare them with

what you are looking for now. What is similar and what is different?

Certain combinations of characteristics can be very appealing but

are also very likely to bring another narcissist into your life. The

following characteristics tend to bring along with them a high

likelihood of narcissism:

Extremely good looks

Highly protective

Hard driving, results oriented

Desire to make or have a lot of money

Someone whose job is about controlling others’ behaviors

or lives, for example, pilots, surgeons, lawyers, politicians,

positions of great power

People who work hard to be convincing, for example,

commissioned sales people, performers, extreme do-gooders

Always has to look sharp and perfect

Overly generous

High expectations for self and others

Secretly a rebel

Obsessive-compulsive

These things aren’t always correlated to narcissism, so look

below the surface at the person’s deeper, more emotional

responses. However, be wary and cautious.

Don’t Overlook Good Possibilities

When you were being a caretaker, your tendency was to look for

a partner who really needed your help or someone who would take

care of you. Your emotional radar was more strongly tuned to those

who were struggling and needing assistance or those who seemed

powerful, influential, and in control. You may have completely

overlooked and ignored the possible partners in between.

Clients who have been married to narcissists often say they find

this middle group boring, uninteresting, mundane, and unexciting.

However, that group also tends to be reliable, steady, loyal, and

devoted. They go to work, help others, take out the trash with a

smile, adapt gracefully to new or difficult situations, share easily,

cooperate, and like working as a team. They typically enjoy

relationships with a balance of give-and-take. They share the load

and take you as you are. Were any of these qualities on your ideal

list? I hope so, because there are a whole lot of these people in the

middle available and willing to really share a life with you.

Amy had been married to a cardiac surgeon for ten years. She

had everything she wanted—a fabulous house, expensive vacations,

lots of beautiful clothes, and entertaining social events. However,

Steve was demanding, distant, critical, and extremely egotistical.

Amy had always thought she wanted a husband who could provide

well financially, until that’s all she had. She couldn’t take the

emotional loneliness anymore and asked for a divorce.

For a long while Amy didn’t date at all. Then she dated a

number of men using her old criteria, but she feared she was making

the same mistake. One evening after the biking club’s group ride,

she and Josh, one of her biking friends, went for a drink. Amy

confided that she was probably never going to feel brave enough to

get into another relationship because she kept picking the wrong

guys. Shyly, Josh said, “Why don’t we go out? We’re already friends.

What would it hurt?” Amy had never considered Josh before. He was

the director of a nonprofit organization that provided after-school

programs for kids. He didn’t fit the picture of who she usually dated,

but she found out that he did match the list of qualities she wanted.

They were married two years later, and they now work together

running programs for children all over the city.

WHAT LOVE REALLY FEELS LIKE

Acceptance

The real core of love is acceptance. Feeling accepted just as

you are gives you a huge sense of peace, trust, comfort, and self-

confidence. You know then that you don’t need to fear rejection,

censure, or condemnation. Disagreements are only about different

perspectives and don’t involve superiority/inferiority, good/bad, insult,

provocation, or wounding. Acceptance means that mistakes are

simply a difficulty to be overcome together. Even when you disagree,

you still know you are safe and loved.

Task

Take a moment to imagine a complete sense of acceptance.

Take a couple of deep breaths and relax into a full sense of well-

being. Think about a person (it could also be a pet) in your life who

has fully accepted you exactly as you are. If no living person comes

to mind, imagine a loving fantasy being or someone who has passed

away. Feel that person or being looking at you with complete love,

even knowing your imperfections. Feel the love coming into you and

filling you up. Send your love back just as completely and fully.

Notice how your body feels. What thoughts come up? Let your

thoughts and body accept the love that surrounds you. Breathe it in

and hold it in your heart. This is what total acceptance feels like.

Peacefulness

The most common feeling people have after this exercise is a

sense of peace and contentment. Calmness, peace, and harmony

prevail where there is genuine love. Again, this does not rule out

differences of opinion, but these are accepted and worked out with

caring for the needs and dignity of both people. No two individuals

see, feel, and think exactly alike. A peaceful relationship doesn’t

depend on your being alike; rather it’s about appreciating, valuing,

and even admiring those differences, as they add to the whole well-

being of the relationship. I love the phrase “the Loyal Opposition” as

it’s used in England. It basically means that opposing perspectives

can come together to create higher-quality solutions, while remaining

loyal to the core tenets of the relationship. Being peaceful comes

from the attitude of caring, a desire for harmony, and respect for

each other.

Respectful

Respect includes esteem, reverence, high regard, appreciation,

and acknowledgment. It doesn’t require agreement, giving in, or

giving up anything. It means taking the feelings and values of

another person seriously. Did you feel respected by the narcissist in

your former relationship? When and with whom have you felt

respected? The opposite of respect is disregard. When you feel

disregarded or disdained, you are not in a loving interaction. When

others show respect for you, they aren’t necessarily agreeing with

you, but they are still honoring your value, treating you kindly, and

taking your needs and feelings seriously.

Encouraging

Love is encouraging. It inspires you to be your best. You feel

reassured. Your spirits are raised up, and you feel the energy and

courage to move forward. You certainly don’t feel hopeless and

helpless, as you did with the narcissist. You feel emotionally

supported, fortified, and energized. Remember a time when

someone gave you encouragement. It may have been a parent, a

teacher, or a friend. What did that person say and do that felt

encouraging? Make a note of the feeling. That is what you are

looking for in a long-term love relationship.

Freedom

Love is about freedom to be yourself. That doen’t mean freedom

to do anything you like—but freedom to be who you are, with full

confidence that the other person cares about you just the way you

are. You’re free to have your own thoughts, feelings, values, dreams,

and goals, and you know you’ll still be accepted, respected, and

encouraged by your loved one. The fear of being disapproved of or

abandoned melts away. You know you are loved for yourself, not just

for what you do for the other person.

Equality

In a loving relationship, neither person dictates, controls, or

demands that his or her ideas and rules will rule. It’s a joint effort to

create a life together that is comfortable and supportive for both of

you. You may each contribute different things to the relationship, but

both receive equal consideration. As a result, power struggles and

resentment become negligible. Neither person tries to control or

dominate the other.

Task

Write down your thoughts and feelings about being controlled or

controlling another. Think about a time when you felt controlled by

another person. What do you wish that person had said or done

differently? Think about a time you wanted to be in control of

someone else. What were you feeling? What did you really want?

What could you have done to be more in control of what you wanted

without controlling the other person?

Equal Value

Loving relationships give equal value to each person. That is,

the individuality, values, needs, and yearnings of both people are

kept uppermost in all interactions. Suggestions and differences of

opinions are discussed and even debated. However, a solution is

reached only when the resolution fully considers the needs of both.

This may take more time initially, but the ultimate conclusion builds

more love, understanding, and connection. Because the argument is

solved amicably, this method eliminates the need to come back to it

repeatedly to try to get a better deal. Each feels safe, at ease,

protected, and sheltered with the other. Don’t settle for less than real

love.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

Who already loves you?

What is your method of getting love from universal energy?

How do you show yourself love? What more could you do to be

loving to yourself?

Who are your friends? Why are they your friends? Do you need

to do anything to develop more friendships?

How ready are you to look for a love relationship again?

Which of the red flags do you tend to ignore?

Which red flags about caretaker behaviors do you need to watch

carefully in yourself?

What specific qualities are you looking for in a love relationship?

Which aspects of love have you felt you were shortchanged on

in the last relationship? What actions are you ready to take to find

those qualities in a new relationship?

NOTES

1. Hay, Louise. You Can Heal Your Life. Santa Monica, CA: Hay

House, 1984.

Chapter 18

Living Your Intention

“There is no passion to be found in playing small—in settling for

a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”

—Nelson Mandela

SETTING YOUR INTENTION

As you’ve read through this book, I’m sure you’ve been thinking

about your own situation and trying to relate each idea presented

here to what you’ve been experiencing. I hope you’ve found the

ideas helpful and applicable. You may have even realized that the

recovery from your relationship with this narcissist is exactly what

you have needed to become the person you want to be. The path to

reclaiming yourself takes energy, courage, and determination. You’ve

probably learned more about narcissism than you ever wanted to

know, and hopefully you won’t need to use that painful education

very much in the future. However, what you’ve learned about

yourself is invaluable because you’ll take that knowledge with you.

It’s the basis of creating the life you want to have now. As you figure

out what’s important to you step by step, you’ll have many new

opportunities to use those discoveries.

You’re no longer a collapsed, hopeless, fearful caretaker. You

know that your thoughts, feelings, and needs are important enough

for you to spend your time and energy figuring them out and lovingly

responding to them. Now it is time to set your intention for how you

want to move forward.

An intention is basically a determination to act in a certain way.

It’s a resolve—a way to focus your energies—based on your

principles and goals. It is not a resolution in the common use of the

word. Too often resolutions are made because of what you think you

should do. This is about deciding to honor, support, and respect fully

who you are by being aware and present in your life. It’s not about

doing anything correctly or perfectly or doing it to please, fix, or help

anyone else. It’s about deciding to be alive for yourself. It’s about

doing things in a way that is fully congruent with who you are.

Release Yourself from the Expectations of

Others

As a caretaker you desperately wanted and waited for

permission, acceptance, and understanding from the narcissist. Now

you see that you would never have gotten those things from the

narcissist, no matter what you did. In a convoluted way, this actually

releases you from ever again having to worry about winning the

narcissist’s approval. It’s an impossibility, so that discharges you

from wasting your energy on it any longer.

However, being the nice person you are, you’ll probably also

have to work on letting go of trying to please, fix, and help some of

the other people in your life. Remember, what you do for others has

value and you need to choose carefully where you spend that

energy. You can take care of yourself and give to others, when you

keep the principle of reciprocity in mind. Doing things for others or to

please others creates dependency and hostility. Be an example to

others by maintaining your boundaries, while still being open and

responsive.

Creating Your Intention

Look over your guiding principles and the truths you have

learned about yourself through the earlier chapters of this book. See

whether you can put into one sentence the overall sense of these

lessons. Here are some examples:

I’ve decided to have a calm, emotionally safe home with

loving, gentle people around me.

I’m a caring, generous person, and I expect to be around

other people like myself.

I live a life based on my choices, not the choices others

make for or about me.

Whatever I give to others, I also give to myself.

These are intentions. They state a core belief, a goal, and a

resolve to make it happen. They help you

set the standards of what you expect and are willing to

tolerate;

keep your boundaries; and

maintain a vision of yourself, which then becomes the basis

for your day-to-day decisions.

Take Action

Intentions lead to actions. Even more significantly, intentions

make clear what your actions will be, with very little effort in the

moment. If you want a “calm and emotionally safe home” you won’t

choose to be around anyone who yells, picks fights, insults, or

demeans you or does behaviors that scare you. Because of your

intention statement, you’ll know instantly what you want to do in a

new situation because it will either meet your standards or it won’t. If

it meets your standards, you move toward the interaction. If it

doesn’t, you stop, pause, and decide how much to move away. You

don’t have to spend any time figuring out whether the other person

will like your decision, nor do you have to figure out what the other

person wants or will say or do. You just have to decide what you

want to do about the interaction. Do you see how this saves an

enormous amount of time, energy, mental processing, and emotional

angst? This is much simpler than what you used to do.

It may not be easy to give up your old caretaker patterns.

Although you understand the idea of choosing your own actions, you

may still be confused when you get caught in a difficult or intense

situation with the narcissist. You’ll know that you’re still focused on

the narcissist if you are asking yourself such questions as “How do I

get him to stop yelling?” “How do I get out of this relationship?” “How

do I get him to change how he acts toward me?” Underlying these

questions is a continued hope that you can take action and have the

narcissist be nicer or give you permission to act or that you can

make him happy about what you’re doing. This is old caretaker

thinking, and you’ll be confused about what to do. In reality all you

need to do is decide what you want and then take appropriate action.

It’s no longer about making the narcissist think, feel, or approve of

anything.

Your actions for your own well-being shouldn’t rely on the

narcissist’s doing anything differently. Your actions can be as simple

as hanging up the phone, walking away, saying no, not replying to e-

mails or text messages, or not inviting such a hostile person to your

home. By sticking to your intentions, you simply don’t participate in

anything that doesn’t meet your values and intentions. Then you’re

able to embrace everything else with energy and enjoyment.

Trust the Process

Being a caretaker was about trying to be in control of the

situation, so it may be hard for you to trust that things will work out,

especially because they certainly didn’t work out the way you wanted

with the narcissist. Instead of controlling your own life’s direction, you

were trying to control the narcissist’s, which is pretty similar to trying

to control the orbit of Jupiter. When you turn your focus to making

decisions about your own life, you’ll find things work out more easily

so then it’s easier to trust the situation and yourself.

Throughout this book I’ve been outlining a process that has

proven to be effective in helping caretakers change their lives for the

better. As with most new things, it may feel awkward, and you may

struggle with it at first. But as you put these suggestions into

practice, you’ll feel stronger and more confident and also begin to

have nicer people around you. I strongly believe that you can create

a better life for yourself than you’ve had. I deeply hope that you trust

in yourself and have the courage to take these steps forward.

GRATITUDE

Count the Good in Your Life

The quickest way to move out of feeling victimized and hopeless

is to count the good in your life. Gratitude has an amazing ability to

remind you that the difficulties and pain in your life are really only a

small part of what is happening. The vast majority of the people in

your life and the experiences you’ve had with them are primarily

positive. When you spend too much time looking out for danger and

disaster, you can forget what is actually working well.

Task

One way to get a picture of this good in your life is to create a

diagram. Take a large piece of paper and write your name in the

middle of it. Then in a circle around your name, write the names of

the closest and dearest people in your life. Beyond that create a

circle of the names of friends, acquaintances, and others who are

directly supporting and encouraging you. The next circle of names

will be people, organizations, and community members who are

helpful to you. Create another circle in which you identify your

resources, such as your job, home, money, transportation,

education, and helpful experiences. The next circle includes the

people and institutions that protect your rights, such as police

officers, lawyers, courts, laws, advocates, and mediators. Finally,

surrounding all of these circles are your spiritual supports, including

your Code of Well-Being and your overall beliefs about good in the

world.

Keep this diagram—your Circle of Loving Support—in a visible

place, where it can remind you of all the good in your life and the

support you have. If there are gaps in any of your circles, reach out

and fill them with new people, being thankful for these new additions.

Give yourself some time to experience a feeling of gratefulness for

each person and entity in the circle, and notice the resulting effect.

The Beneﬁts of Gratitude

The feeling of victimization diminishes for each awareness you

have of the love, kindness, and support around you. You may need

and want more support, but appreciating what you already have

helps you feel worthy to reach out for more. You have value and

importance to others. You’re the only you in the world. Be grateful for

this uniqueness. Gratitude increases your self-esteem and self-

confidence. It can help you relax because you know who you can

call on for support and what resources are available.

Gratefulness reminds you that you are not alone. You belong to

a community. The narcissist tried to keep you disconnected from

others. Now you have the freedom to reconnect. Humans can’t

survive or prosper alone. We’re a species that needs to function in

groups. We need other people. Let yourself reach out and ask for

help and continue to offer help to others. Just try to keep it more

balanced. We are interconnected. Gratefulness is the glue that

keeps those connections strong.

Task

Like most things, gratitude increases the more you use it. Take

time each day to look at your Circle of Support diagram. Let yourself

feel the caring and support from each person by saying his or her

name, remembering a kindness, seeing that person’s face. Then

send your love and appreciation back to him or her. Gratitude is a

circle of giving and receiving. Keep it flowing. This only takes a few

minutes, but it can change your day.

You may find it enjoyable to keep a gratitude journal. In it you

record good things that have happened to you each day. Keeping

such a record provides tangible evidence of positive experiences

that you can review. Too often we notice the painful things that

happen each day, but we don’t take enough time to be aware of and

deeply feel the many lovely things that also occur.

NEVER GIVE UP BEING YOURSELF

Be Exactly Who You Are

This whole book has been about being present and letting the

essence of you come out and guide your life. Yes, that’s self-

focused, although not selfish. This time spent paying attention to

yourself and giving yourself time to heal hardly compares to the

hours, days, and years you’ve spent totally paying attention to the

narcissist. It’s time to rebalance the scales. You were not taking you

seriously. You were hoping that pretending to be who and what the

narcissist wanted you could change him and make the relationship

work better. Of course that failed. But that failure has allowed you to

reconnect with yourself. You are the only one of you in the universe.

Who can do the job of being you, except you? There is no evidence

that you’ll ever get a chance to be you again, so have the courage to

trust that you have something that no one else brings to this life.

Offer it, share it, appreciate it, and let others enjoy it.

Allow Others to Be Who They Are

Giving yourself permission to be who you are and live the life

you want makes it logical that you would be willing to let others do

the same. Letting the narcissist go hinges strongly on your letting go

of trying to change him. By now you have living proof that it can’t be

done. You can quit worrying about anything the narcissist says or

does because you now have ways to protect yourself from further

damage. As you heal, you’ll find that the narcissist is less and less

interesting and troublesome because you just don’t care.

Be an Inspiration and a Role Model

When you live your life honestly and with integrity, you increase

your own happiness, and you also become a role model to others to

do the same. This isn’t a book about parenting, but the best gift you

can offer your children is to show them how to be strong, loving, self-

caring, and able to stand up for themselves. As they watch you have

the courage to change your life and choose healthier relationships,

they’ll learn to do the same. Knowing this may help you release any

guilt you feel about bringing them into such a difficult family situation.

Your positive, respectful, determined, self-protective, and effective

actions demonstrate to your children how to do the same. When you

value yourself, they’ll also learn to value themselves.

As you heal and your life becomes more positive, happier, and

full of caring people, you prove to yourself that difficult people don’t

have to ruin your life. You can be an inspiration to others who are

facing hurdles in their lives as well. You have much to offer them just

by being you.

CREATE A NEW LIFE STORY

Rewrite Old Messages

Earlier we talked about repurposing your dreams. Now I want to

encourage you to actually create some new dreams. It’s time to let

go of your old life story and invent a new one. When your life

changes, your dreams need to change. Take an active part in

deciding where you want your life to go from here. Rewrite those old,

hopeless defeat messages with a new, hopeful tone. Take each

negative self-thought and switch it around with a new message of

self-truth. Here are some examples:

Old New

I am such a fool for believing

what the narcissist promised me.

I’m a trusting, good-hearted person who

believes in the good in others.

I’ll never recover from this

relationship.

I’m strong, and I have made it this far. I have

the courage to make a new life.

I always mess things up. I’m not perfect. I learn from my experiences,

and I see myself moving forward to a better life.

If the narcissist couldn’t love

me, I must be unloveable.

I’m loveable and capable. I love myself and

others love me. I’ll make a good life for myself.

Remember, the words you say to yourself about yourself have

profound power. They are the foundation for your attitudes, life

decisions, moods, and emotional energy. Be aware of your self-talk,

and make sure it’s directing you toward the life you are moving into,

not the life you’re leaving behind.

Task

A vision board is a collage that shows—in pictures—where you

want to go and what you want to do. You can use pictures from

magazines, calendars, photos, drawings, stamps, stickers, or

whatever you want. Combine them in a pleasing way, depicting

yourself as you want to be and the life you wish to lead. Let it be a

vision of how you want to feel, what you want to do, and the words

you want to use to encourage yourself. Keep it visible as a reminder

of where you are going.

Remember Who You Used to Be

Try to remember the things you liked to do before you met the

narcissist or even earlier when you were a child. What brought you

joy then? What fascinated you? What excited you? Now might be a

good time to try some of these things again. Years ago, you probably

weren’t so fearful and careful of everything you said and did. Take a

chance now to explore different possibilities and see what happens.

Tell your inner critic to sit on the sidelines for a while and just

observe. It can be there if you are headed for real trouble, but

otherwise let it take a snooze.

Try Something New

The best way to create a new life story is by going out and living

your life in a new way. Be around new people. Try new activities to

find out what brings you joy. Try some Meet-Up gatherings. Ask your

friends what they enjoy doing and maybe go along with them. Learn

a new skill, try a new activity, expand your limits.

The end of a relationship can mean that you have to move or

get a new or different job. You get to choose again. That could mean

a new neighborhood or a new town or even somewhere across the

country. A new job can bring new skills, new people, and a new

rhythm to your life. These changes may sometimes be scary, but

they could also be the best thing that ever happened to you. New

choices bring new opportunities. Use the insight and skills you’ve

learned here to continually assess what feels right to you and what

inspires your curiosity and enthusiasm.

Take Your Time Within the Time You Have

Try to let yourself consider your new choices calmly and without

immediate pressure. There can be time limits on some of these

important choices, but often the stress of new choices comes from

you putting pressure on yourself. And, of course, the narcissist

always wants you to hurry up and decide. Don’t create more stress

by putting pressure on yourself. It adds too much sense of coercion

and strain. Give yourself time to breathe, contemplate, consider,

check in with your feelings, check the facts, imagine yourself in the

new situation, make lists, check with your trusted friends and

advisers, and then decide for yourself. Always ask yourself “What do

I want?” The choice is yours and doesn’t have to match what anyone

else would choose.

FINALLY

My hope for you is that each day, you’ll be a little more of who you

want to be, whether that is being more honest, more open, more

assertive, more fearless, more genuine, more of just you. Keep your

vision in mind, and trust your intuition to steer you toward your goals.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What expectations from others are you still trying to meet? Who are

you still trying to please?

What are your primary intentions for your life? What actions

have you already taken to live your life based on these intentions?

If you were totally and truly who you are, how would your life be

different?

Who are you still trying to direct and control? Why? What are

you afraid she or he will do?

What actions could you take to protect yourself without

oppressing the other person?

Who looks up to you as an inspiration and role model? How

does that feel?

What new things are you ready to try?

How can you make future decisions with less fear and stress?

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Index
A
abuse, 1 , 2 , 3
acceptance, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6
of self, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3
Aikido, emotional, 1
asking for help, 1 , 2 , 3
anger, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3.1-3.2
anxiety, 1 , 2
reducing, 1.1-1.2
appreciation of self, 1
authenticity, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
B
bargaining, 1 , 2
Baron-Cohen, Simon, 1
See also Zero Degrees of Empathy
blaming, 1 , 2 , 3
boundaries, 1 , 2
defending, 1.1-1.2
and empathy, 1
lack of, 1
and limits, 1
with the narcissist, 1 , 2.1-2.2
setting, 1
weak, 1.1-1.2 , 2
Burdick, Debra, 1
See also SOLAR
businesslike, being, 1 , 2
C

caretaker, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8.1-8.2 , 9
challenges, 1.1-1.2
quitting caretaking, 1
strengths 1.1-1.2
vulnerabilities, 1.1-1.2
change, 1 , 2
narcissist’s promises to, 1
choices, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 , 9 , 10.1-10.2
for love, 1.1-1.2
redeciding about, 1
closure, 1
Code of Well-Being, 1
codependent, 1
communication
open and honest, 1
community
finding your people, 1.1-1.2
compassion, 1 , 2 , 3
control, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
vs. equality, 1 , 2
of narcissists, 1
of yourself, 1 , 2
crisis, 1
criticism, 1
D
Deresiewicz, William, 1
denial, 1
despair, 1
disappointment, 1
disengagement, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8.1-8.2
distractions, 1
divorce, 1.1-1.2
and children, 1.1-1.2 , 2
drama triangle, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6

E
emotional reasoning, 1
empathy, 1
lack of, 1.1-1.2 , 2.1-2.2 , 3
super-empathy, 1
See also Zero Degrees of Empathy
empowerment, 1
enabling, 1
entitlement, 1
ethical principles, 1.1-1.2 , 2
F
failure, 1.1-1.2
False Self, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6
fault, 1 , 2
fear
in caretakers, 1 , 2
of failure, 1
about the future, 1 , 2.1-2.2
in narcissists, 1 , 2
of success, 1.1-1.2
fight/flight/freeze, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3
finances, 1 , 2
fixing the narcissist, 1 , 2
forgiveness, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2 , 4
Emight, Robert, 1
of self, 1
friendship, 1 , 2 , 3
G
goals, 1 , 2 , 3
gossip, 1
gratitude, 1.1-1.2
grief, 1 , 2 , 3

guilt, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
H
happiness, 1
harm
denial of, 1
intentional vs. accidental, 1
Hay, Louise, 1
See also You Can Heal Your Life
help, asking for, 1
How to Talk to Children about Divorce, 1
T
The Human Magnet Syndrome, 1.1-1.2 , 2
I
independence, 1 , 2
intentions, 1.1-1.2
creating, 1
purpose of, 1.1-1.2
intimacy, 1
and sex, 1
intuition, 1 , 2.1-2.2
invalidation, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3 , 4
J
Jekyll and Hyde, 1
judgmental
fears of being, 1
non-judgmental, 1
L
labels, 1 , 2

lawyers, 1.1-1.2 , 2
letting go, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7
exercises for, 1.1-1.2
narcissist’s image of you, 1
See also forgiveness
life plan, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2 , 4.1-4.2
logic, lack of, 1
loneliness, 1
loss, 1
love
from others, 1
looking for, 1
ready for, 1
of self, 1 , 2 , 3
universal, 1
loyal opposition, 1
loyalty, 1
M
magnetic attraction, 1.1-1.2
McBride, Jean, 1
See also How to Talk to Children about Divorce
McBride, Kary1, 1
See also Will I Ever be Free of You?
mental illness, 1 , 2
merging, 1
moral compass, 1.1-1.2
N
narcissist, 1
below the surface, 1
emotionally disabled, 1 , 2.1-2.2
and therapy, 1.1-1.2
traits, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2
leaving relationships, 1

narcissistic rage, 1.1-1.2
neediness, in narcissists, 1
nonjudgmental, 1
O
obligations, 1.1-1.2
over-responsibility, 1
P
passive-aggressiveness, 1
past, getting stuck, 1
partnership, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2
perfectionism, 1 , 2
persecutor, 1
personalizing, 1 , 2
pleasing others, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
power, 1 , 2
by being businesslike, 1
present time, 1 , 2.1-2.2
problem solving, 1.1-1.2
projection, 1
purpose for life, 1
pursuing and distancing, 1
push/pull behaviors, 1.1-1.2 , 2
R
Ramsey, Dave, 1
reciprocity, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5.1-5.2 , 6 , 7
red flags, 1.1-1.2
relationship patterns, narcissistic/caretaker, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
releasing
exercises, 1.1-1.2
the past, 1
repression, 1

rescuer, 1
rescuing, 1.1-1.2
resilience, 1 , 2 , 3
respect, 1 , 2 , 3
responsibility, 1
and caretakers, 1
revenge, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
re-write old messages, 1
rights, 1.1-1.2
role model, 1.1-1.2
Rosenberg, Ross, 1 , 2
See also The Human Magnet Syndrome
S
safe haven, 1
saying no, 1
secrets, 1
self-awareness, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8
self-care, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5.1-5.2 , 6.1-6.2
self-confidence, 1 , 2 , 3
self-doubt, 1
self-encouragement, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3 , 4.1-4.2 , 5
self-esteem, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8.1-8.2 , 9 , 10
self-judgments, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6.1-6.2 , 7
self-protection, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
self-talk, 1 , 2
self-validation, 1
self-worth, 1
Seuss, Dr., 1
shame, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
in narcissists, 1
SOLAR exercise, 1.1-1.2
sociopaths, 1.1-1.2 , 2
speaking up, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3
splitting, 1 , 2
strengths, 1 , 2 , 3

success, 1 , 2
superior/inferior, 1
support system, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6
sympathy, 1 , 2
T
tasks
acceptance, of feeling, 1
acknowledging feelings, 1
anger, 1
breathing, 1
bucket list, 1
challenges, facing, 1
changes, facing, 1 , 2
choices, 1
Circle of Loving Support, 1
Code of Well-Being, 1.1-1.2
being controlled, 1
dreams, repurposing, 1
feelings, identifying, 1
giving and receiving, 1
gratitude awareness, 1
harm, assessing, 1
listening to yourself, 1
loss, 1
new responses, 1
present moment, being in, 1
releasing the narcissist’s image of you, 1
safe haven, 1
self-appreciation, 1.1-1.2
self-encouragement, 1
self-nurturing, 1
self-worth, 1
strengths and talents, 1
support, 1
talk yourself through a challenge, 1.1-1.2

tuning into self, 1.1-1.2
universal love and energy, 1.1-1.2
values, 1
vision-board, 1
what I want, 1
threats, 1 , 2
transparency, 1 , 2.1-2.2
trust
lack of in narcissists, 1
your process, 1
U
undeserving, 1
unsuccessful, 1
V
values, 1
victim, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
vs. gratitude, 1
W
Weintraub, Pamela, 1
Will I Ever be Free of You?, 1
winning and losing, 1.1-1.2
Y
yearning, 1
yes, 1 , 2
You Can Heal Your Life , 1
Z
Zero Degrees of Empathy , 1

About the Author

Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has been a therapist for over

thirty-five years, specializing in the care of people who have been

negatively affected by a narcissistic parent, spouse, or child. She

grew up with a borderline mother and caretaker father and salvaged

her self-esteem after getting divorced from a narcissist.

Her Caretaker Recovery groups have helped people understand

the relationship patterns that occur with narcissists and learn how to

get out of these manipulative interactions. Her goal is to help

caretakers recover their self-esteem and self-confidence and move

on to healthier and happier lives.

You can find more information and subscribe to her Caretaker

Recovery Newsletter at margalistherapy.com. Dr. Fjelstad can be

reached at margalistherapy@gmail.com. You can take her online

class based on the content from her recovery groups at

caretaker.digitalchalk.com.