back down and give up pretty easily. In addition narcissists try to turn
comments they don’t like back on the other person. Add in the fact
that narcissists always have to be right, superior, and in control of
everything, and the result is that anyone actively engaged in a long-
term relationship with a narcissist will become codependent over
time.
To regain your sense of independence you have to rediscover
your voice. Your ability to share what you think and feel, set
boundaries, make your preferences known, and stand up for your
rights all depend on your being able to speak up for yourself. You
may need to start by writing down your thoughts, observations,
opinions, and likes and dislikes in a journal. Put words to what you
are feeling and experiencing. Then pick your safest friend or family
member to share these words of truth you have discovered. Allow
yourself to ask for what you want, give your opinion, select the movie
or restaurant you go to, and say no once in a while. Speaking up is
the difference between being a wallflower or joining the dance.
The sooner you speak up and make your requirements and
desires known to others, the sooner needy, selfish, self-absorbed
people fade away because they quickly realize that you aren’t going
to be giving them what they want. Doing this saves a lot of time by
narrowing the field to more egalitarian, independent, less-controlling
people, whether acquaintances, friends, or companions.
Respond to Your Own Needs
As a former caretaker, you have wonderful skills for instantly
and effectively responding to the needs, wishes, and feelings of
others. You’re probably not nearly as good at being self-responsive.
How well do you take care of your physical needs? If you have
chronic physical stress, pain, low energy, or lack of joy, you need to
pay more attention to your physical needs. Common physical issues
for caretakers are migraines, neck and back pain, indigestion,
irritable bowel, muscle tension in the jaw, fatigue, and lethargy.
These are all indicators of overstressing your body with anxiety,
emotional pressure, worry, guilt, and fear without respite care and
recovery. What does your body need from you to recover to its full