Healing from
a Narcissistic Relationship
Healing from
a Narcissistic Relationship
A Caretaker’s Guide to Recovery,
Empowerment, and Transformation
Margalis Fjelstad
ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD
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“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
E. M. Forester
AUTHOR’S NOTE
The examples, anecdotes, and characters in this book are
drawn from my clinical work, research, and life experiences with real
people and events. Names and some identifying events and details
have been changed, and some situations are composites to protect
people’s privacy.
Throughout the book I consistently use masculine pronouns
when talking about the narcissist. This is for ease of writing, instead
of he or she, and because it is estimated that approximately 70
percent of narcissists are male. If the narcissist in your life is female,
all of the comments and suggestions here will also apply.
Introduction
Relationships with narcissists can be painful, frustrating,
complicated, and totally mystifying. Nothing they say or do seems to
be the same from day to day. They can be charming and loving one
moment and hateful and demeaning the next. They tell you one thing
and then do another. When you confront them with these
discrepancies, they blame you and say you’re the crazy one, and
often you do end up feeling like you’re crazy. The narcissist can
swing you from emotional highs to emotional lows. Most
relationships with narcissists can be described as follows in the next
few paragraphs.
The relationship started out almost as a fairy tale. In the
beginning you felt adored, understood, ecstatic, and more smitten
than you had ever felt before. You thought that the two of you were
completely in tune and that you even shared the same thoughts,
feelings, and dreams. Your partner described to you the perfect life
you would share together, more wonderful than you would have
dared to dream of on your own. You felt a oneness. The relationship
progressed very quickly, and within days, you were deeply and
irrevocably in love. The narcissist told you this was the perfect
relationship, and you committed yourself entirely.
But something changed after that—it may have been almost
instantly or may have taken a few months or longer. Your oneness
didn’t seem to be there anymore. Your loved one became controlling,
selfish, angry, blaming, and self-justifying. You no longer felt
understood, and your needs seemed to be discounted and even
mocked. You began to feel unheard, unappreciated, frustrated, and
often depressed and anxious. You had to work hard to ignore your
feelings of hurt and rejection.
You tried to talk about your feelings and needs, only to be
treated as if your requests were silly, unimportant, or just plain
foolish. You ended up wondering what was wrong with you. What
had you done to make your loved one so distant and indifferent? You
kept trying. You made accommodations. You gave more love and
attention. You gave in to keep the peace. You gave up your interests
and even time with your friends and family to meet your loved one’s
expectations. You tried in every way to be the perfect spouse or
partner. And you kept hoping to get that loving feeling to return.
It was so confusing. You started to feel as though your whole life
was being controlled by this person. Why was your partner being so
mean and self-centered? You wanted your needs to be considered.
You wanted to feel cared about. You wanted the relationship to be
more equal and shared. You tried to do everything perfectly, and
when that didn’t work, you tried harder. Nothing seemed to make a
difference for very long. You continually felt like the giver, your
partner always demanding and taking more. And you often felt guilty
that you weren’t doing enough and couldn’t get it right.
The longer you’re in a relationship with someone so self-
centered and self-absorbed, the more you feel drained,
disappointed, and hurt. His selfishness pushes you away, but
something inside of you keeps hoping things will change and he’ll
again be the person you know he can be—the funny, smart, caring
person you first met but who now seems to be buried most of the
time.
Along the way you saw hopeful signs. Your partner would
suddenly be just as sweet and loving and attentive as you
remembered. You felt that surge of happiness and relief that things
were going to be all right after all. But all too quickly he switched
back into anger and blame, ignoring and criticizing you when
everything didn’t go perfectly. Through all of this you kept hoping
things would work out, and you kept working hard to be loving and
kind to prove how much you wanted to make the relationship
succeed.
Then one day your loved one announces that the relationship
just is not working. It’s no longer fulfilling or exciting. You’re too
negative and needy. You’re boring and uninteresting. What? You are
shocked and wonder if he’s kidding you. You tried all this time to be
as perfect, loving, accommodating, and giving as humanly possible,
and that wasn’t enough? You discounted your own needs and wants
to make the relationship work, and even that wasn’t sufficient. You
denied your own feelings of dissatisfaction and kept trying to be
positive and optimistic. Now, he says it’s your fault. You didn’t give
enough, or you complained too much, or you weren’t interesting
enough, or sexy enough, or whatever enough. You’ve just been
dumped by a narcissist.
Over my thirty-plus years of working as a marriage and family
therapist, I have witnessed many such scenarios. And I, too, was
once dumped by a narcissist. The experience is mind-numbing and
devastating. Over the years it has been my purpose to comfort and
heal the family members who are negatively affected by a loved one
with narcissistic personality disorder.
So many people, including therapists, try to figure out why
narcissists do what they do, and there are hundreds of books on that
subject. I wrote my first book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or
Narcissist, because there was little written for people who found
themselves enmeshed in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline
person. I wanted family members to know that they were being seen
and heard. I wanted to tell them there are defined patterns of
thinking and feeling that create these insane dramas that they get
drawn into. I wanted to show them they could get out of the drama. I
also wanted them to know they could not fix or cure their narcissistic
family member but that they could stop buying into the narcissist’s
insanity and learn to make a better life for themselves.
This book goes a step further. It’s about healing and becoming
whole and healthy again after a narcissistic relationship. I did it, and I
have helped thousands of people find understanding, learn new
skills, and heal in my Caretaker Recovery groups. When you’re in a
close relationship with a narcissist, you inevitably give up yourself,
your dreams and opinions, and even your sense of individuality. You
fall into what I call a “caretaker pattern,” one in which you give up
your needs to take care of what the narcissist needs and wants. You
have to reverse this pattern in order to regain your emotional health.
This book shows you how to do just that.
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship can take a lot longer
than getting over the end of a typical relationship, because you’ve
been on high alert, hypervigilant, and attuned to his every
expectation or reaction. It will take some time for your stress
hormones to become normal again. You may find that you feel
exhausted and have to regain your strength. Most of all, you’ll need
to rebuild your sense of self and self-worth. No one gets out of a
relationship with a narcissist unscathed.
If you feel confused and mystified, then this book will help you
see things more clearly. If your self-esteem is in shambles, it will
show you how to heal your wounds and regain your strength. If you
wonder why all this happened, you’ll find information and
understanding. If your self-confidence has evaporated, you’ll find
encouragement. If you don’t know where you’re going from here, this
book will give you direction.
If you have been through this same kind of relationship before,
now is the time to break the pattern of taking care of others while
ignoring and giving up yourself. Out of this experience you can learn
better self-care and self-love. You can heal and recover your
strength. You can break out of the self-sacrificing caretaker pattern
forever and become more resilient than you ever were before. You
may even find a new purpose and energy and maybe even a new
you. It is never too late to choose again, begin again, and make a
better life for yourself.
I
The Narcissist and the
Caretaker
Chapter 1
It’s All About
Them
—Narcissists
“Here’s the need to know revelation about narcissists: Whatever
they do, it’s never about you.”
—Kathleen Parker, newswoman, the Washington Post
IN THE BEGINNING
When you first met and fell in love with the narcissist in your life, you
were attracted to the charming, confident, easygoing, superfriendly
way he appeared to be in the world. You probably felt really valued
and enveloped in the center of his attention—rather like you were the
only two people in the world. You felt special, selected, exceptional,
or even privileged to have the attention of someone so fully and
completely. You may actually have fallen in love in those first few
moments.
WHAT A NARCISSIST SHOWS YOU
Usually within the first session with a client, I will be asked “Is my
husband/wife really a narcissist?” The second question is, “Will
he/she ever get better?” To answer the first question, let’s look first at
the behaviors and traits that identify narcissism. In chapter 3, I’ll
cover information on why narcissists rarely get better.
Narcissists create a glamorized “False Self,” or persona, to
show to the world.[1] This image of superiority and friendliness is
usually easygoing and sociable. When a narcissist sets his sights on
you and turns on the charm, it is almost mesmerizing. The attention
and solicitude feel so good. You may get pulled in by his superior
disdain for the conventional and mundane, which can appear
contemporary and edgy. You feel cool and exclusive to be included
in his world. When Amy met Chuck, she was impressed by his
knowledge and confidence about seemingly everything. This gave
her a sense of truly being in the presence of someone exceptional,
and it made her feel special.
To narcissists, the façade is everything. Who they appear to be
is who they believe they are. They are immersed wholly and
completely in their fantasy of themselves. That is why they are so
believable. Narcissists are preoccupied with their own delusions
about their self-importance and superiority. They believe they are
entitled to special treatment, and they work to make you believe it
too. Some narcissists are very grandiose, and others are more
quietly superior. They have an intense need to be perfect, well
thought of, in control, and more significant than anyone else. You
think you’re being included in that top ranking, but you really aren’t.
WHAT’S BELOW THE SURFACE?
Below the façade of charm, humor, beguiling attentiveness, boastful
self-confidence, and stories of successes and accomplishments is a
completely different person—one who is deeply selfish, needy, and
controlling. The term “narcissism” is used to denote people who are
at their core self-centered, self-absorbed, calculating, and
manipulative. They hide and deny, even to themselves, these inner
flaws while presenting a perfect image to the world. Only when you
get really close to a narcissist will you find he’s frequently defensive,
angry, hostile, and demeaning.
Narcissists want desperately to form a relationship that will
supply their endless need for attention and provide a scapegoat for
their blame. They look for someone who will give in to their control,
who will take care of their endless demands, and who will be deeply
attached to them and put up with their needy self-centeredness.
As you’ve struggled to understand your relationship with a
narcissist, you may have come across many different descriptions
and explanations for their behaviors. Narcissists can have passive-
aggressive traits; act obsessive and compulsive; be rageful; have
drug, alcohol, sex, or gambling addictions; or be hypochondriacs.
They enter relationships quickly and intensely, with lots of charm and
attention on you, and when they’re sure you are fully committed, they
switch back to a complete focus on themselves, their wants and
needs. Some are extremely emotionally destructive, and others can
be more benevolent. Some need constant attention from you. Others
pour themselves into benevolent projects with other people to get
community attention and praise while ignoring you for weeks at a
time.
Angela was smitten by Blake at first sight. He was witty,
outrageous, and edgy. Within days they were living together, but it
was several months before Angela realized that Blake had taken
over her entire life—arranging all their social contacts; always
deciding what restaurants, movies, and events to attend; and even
choosing what Angela would wear. When she tried to make different
choices, he would laugh, dismiss her ideas, and refuse to do much
of anything her way. She found it easier to give in than to think about
leaving the relationship.
In actuality, narcissists are two people in one body. The False
Self protects and hides a repressed, vulnerable, negative, and
despised inner self. This is called “splitting.”[2] They have two very
different parts of their personalities—a positive self and a disowned,
hidden negative self. The closer contact you have with a narcissist,
the more likely these two parts will get tangled up, and you’ll see that
hidden shadow self as he projects it onto you.
HOW CAN YOU TELL WHETHER A PERSON IS A
NARCISSIST?
I use the duck test—that is, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a
duck, it probably is a duck. There are no physical blood tests, MRIs,
or exact determinations that can identify narcissism. Even therapists
have to go on their observations of the behavior, attitudes, and
reactions that a person presents to determine narcissism. So here
are the symptoms and behaviors you should look for. Keep in mind
that not all of these have to be present to make a determination of
narcissism. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual,[3]
which therapists use as a guide, the person needs only 55 percent of
the identified characteristics to be considered narcissistic. The list
here is descriptive to give you a more real-life picture of the
narcissist’s common behaviors.
Superiority and Entitlement
The world of the narcissist is all about good/bad,
superior/inferior, and right/wrong. There is a definite hierarchy, with
the narcissist at the top—which is the only place he feels safe.
Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most
competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control
everyone. Interestingly enough, narcissists can also get that superior
feeling by being the worst; the most wrong; or the most ill, upset, or
injured for a period of time. Then they feel entitled to receive
soothing concern and recompense, and even the right to hurt you or
demand apologies to “make things even.”
High Need for Attention and Validation
Narcissists need constant attention—even following you around
the house, asking you to find things, or constantly saying something
to grab your attention. Validation for a narcissist counts only if it
comes from others. Even then, it doesn’t count for much. A
narcissist’s need for validation is like a funnel. You pour in positive,
supportive words, and they just flow out the other end and are gone.
No matter how much you tell narcissists you love them, admire them,
or approve of them, they never feel that it’s enough—because deep
down they don’t believe anyone can love them. Despite all their self-
absorbed, grandiose bragging, narcissists are actually very insecure
and fearful of not measuring up. They constantly try to elicit praise
and approval from others to shore up their fragile egos, but no matter
how much they’re given, they always want more.
Perfectionism
Narcissists have an extremely high need for everything to be
perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect,
events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out
precisely as they envision it. This is an excruciatingly impossible
demand, which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and
miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the
narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.
High Need for Control
Since narcissists are continually disappointed with the less than
perfect way that life unfolds, they want to do as much as possible to
control it to their liking. They want and demand to be in control, and
their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they
should be in control—of everything. Narcissists always have a story
line in mind about what each “character” in their interaction should
be saying and doing. When you don’t behave as expected, they
become quite upset and unsettled. They don’t know what to expect
next, because you’re off script. They demand that you say and do
exactly what they have in mind so they can reach their desired
conclusion. You are a character in their internal play, not a real
person with your own thoughts and feelings.
Lack of Responsibility—Blaming and Deflecting
Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be
responsible for the results—unless, of course, everything goes
exactly their way and their desired result occurs. When things don’t
go according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect,
the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on you. It has to
be someone else’s fault. Sometimes that blame is generalized, for
example, all police, all bosses, all teachers, all Democrats, and so
on. At other times the narcissist picks a particular person or rule to
blame, for example, his mother, the judge, or laws that limit what he
wants to do. Most often, however, the narcissist blames the one
person who is the most emotionally close, most attached, loyal, and
loving in his life—you. To maintain the façade of perfection,
narcissists always have to blame someone or something else. You
are the safest person to blame, because you are least likely to leave
or reject him.
Lack of Boundaries
Narcissists can’t accurately see where they end and you begin.
They are a lot like two-year-olds. They believe that everything
belongs to them, everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and
everyone wants the same things they do. They are shocked and
highly insulted to be told no. If a narcissist wants something from
you, he’ll go to great lengths to figure out how to get it through
persistence, cajoling, demanding, rejecting, or pouting.
Lack of Empathy
Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others. They
tend to be selfish and self-involved and are usually unable to
understand what other people are feeling.[4] Narcissists expect
others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom give any
thought to how others feel. They are also rarely apologetic or feel
remorseful or guilty.
However, narcissists are highly attuned to perceived threats,
anger, and rejection from others. At the same time, they are nearly
blind to the other feelings of the people around them. They
frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased
toward interpreting facial expressions as negative. Unless you are
acting out your emotions dramatically, the narcissist won’t accurately
perceive what you’re feeling. Even saying “I’m sorry” or “I love you”
when the narcissist is on edge and angry can backfire. He won’t
believe you and may even misperceive your comment as an attack.
In addition, if your words and expressions aren’t congruent, the
narcissist will likely respond erroneously. This is why narcissists
often misinterpret sarcasm as actual agreement or joking from others
as a personal attack. Their lack of ability to correctly read body
language is one reason narcissists are deficiently empathetic to your
feelings. They don’t see them, they don’t interpret them correctly,
and overall they don’t believe you feel any differently than they do.
Narcissists also lack an understanding about the nature of
feelings. They don’t understand how their feelings occur. They think
their feelings are caused by someone or something outside of
themselves. They don’t realize that their feelings are caused by their
own biochemistry, thoughts, and interpretations. In a nutshell,
narcissists always think you cause their feelings—especially the
negative ones. They conclude that because you didn’t follow their
plan or because you made them feel vulnerable, you are to blame.
This lack of empathy makes true relationships and emotional
connection with narcissists difficult or impossible. They just don’t
notice what anyone else is feeling.
Emotional Reasoning
You’ve probably made the mistake of trying to “explain” and use
logic with the narcissist to get him to understand the painful effect his
behaviors have on you. You think that if he understands how much
his behaviors hurt you, he’ll quit doing them. Your explanations,
however, don’t make sense to the narcissist, who only seems able to
be aware of his own thoughts and feelings. Although narcissists may
say they understand, they honestly don’t.
Therefore, narcissists make most of their decisions based on
how they feel about something. They just have to have that red
sports car, based entirely on how they feel driving it, not by whether
it is a good choice to make for the family or for the budget. If they’re
bored or depressed, they want to move or end the relationship or
start a new business. They always look to something or someone
outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs. They expect
you to go along with their “solutions,” and they react with irritation
and resentment if you don’t.
Splitting
The narcissist’s personality is split into good and bad parts, and
they also split everything in their relationships into good and bad.
Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others,
whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good.
They deny their negative words and actions, while continually
accusing you of being disapproving.
They also remember things as completely good and wonderful
or as bad and horrible. They can’t seem to mix these two constructs.
Marty labeled the whole vacation ruined and the worst ever because
the hotel room didn’t meet his expectations and the weather wasn’t
perfect. Bob was blamed for twenty years because he wasn’t there
when his wife had their first child even though he was stranded in
Chicago in a snowstorm. Marie’s husband dismissed her concerns
about the $30,000 cost for the new landscaping because he loved it.
Narcissists aren’t able to see, feel, or remember both the positive
and the negative in a situation. They can deal with only one
perspective at a time—theirs.
Fear
The narcissist’s entire life is motivated and energized by fear.
Most narcissists’ fears are deeply buried and repressed. They’re
constantly afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or just plain wrong.
They may have fears about germs, about losing all their money,
about being emotionally or physically attacked, about being seen as
bad or inadequate, or about being abandoned. This makes it difficult
and sometimes impossible for the narcissist to trust anyone else.
In fact, the closer your relationship becomes, the less he will
trust you. Narcissists fear any true intimacy or vulnerability because
they’re afraid you’ll see their imperfections and judge or reject them.
No amount of reassurance seems to make any difference, because
narcissists deeply hate and reject their own shameful imperfections.
Narcissists never seem to develop trust in the love of others, and
they continually test you with worse and worse behaviors to try to
find your breaking point. Their gripping fear of being “found out” or
abandoned never seems to dissipate.
Anxiety
Anxiety is an ongoing, vague feeling that something bad is
happening or about to happen. Some narcissists show their anxiety
by talking constantly about the doom that is about to happen, and
some hide and repress their anxiety. But most narcissists project
their anxiety onto their closest loved ones. They accuse you of being
negative, unsupportive, mentally ill, not putting them first, not
responding to their needs, or being selfish. All of this is designed to
label you with their anxiety in an attempt to not feel it themselves. As
you feel worse and worse, the narcissist feels better and better. In
fact, he feels stronger and more superior as you feel your anxiety
and depression grow.
Shame
Narcissists don’t feel much guilt because they think they are
always right, and they don’t believe their behaviors really affect
anyone else. However, they harbor a lot of shame. Shame is the
belief that there is something deeply and permanently wrong or bad
about who you are. Buried in a deeply repressed part of the
narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is
constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including himself. The
narcissist is acutely ashamed of all these rejected thoughts and
feelings. For example, I had one narcissistic client who was into
skydiving and other intense, risk-taking behaviors tell me that he
never felt fear. “Fear,” he said, “was evil.” He was clearly on a
crusade to defeat it.
Keeping his vulnerabilities hidden is essential to the narcissist’s
pretend self-esteem or False Self. Ultimately, however, this makes it
impossible for them to be completely real and transparent.
Inability to Be Truly Intimate
Because of their inability to understand feelings, lack of
empathy, and constant need for self-protection, narcissists can’t truly
love or connect emotionally with other people. They cannot look at
the world from anyone else’s perspective. They’re essentially
emotionally blind and alone. This makes them emotionally needy.
When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap
relationships or start a new one as soon as possible. They
desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathize with
them, and make everything just as they want it to be. However, they
have little ability to respond to your pain or fear or even your day-to-
day need for care and sympathy.
Can’t Cooperate and Be a Team Member
Thoughtful, cooperative behaviors require a real understanding
of each others feelings. How will the other person feel? Will this
action make both of us happy? How will this affect our relationship?
These are questions that narcissists don’t have the capacity or the
motivation to think about. Don’t expect the narcissist to understand
your feelings, give in, or give up anything he wants for your benefit;
it’s useless.
WHAT ABOUT SOCIOPATHS?
Narcissists and sociopaths are not the same. It’s often hard to tell
the difference when you only look at outward behaviors. There’s a
big difference, however, when you look at their hidden vulnerabilities.
Socio-
paths pretty much have no emotional vulnerabilities. They are born
without fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, or any empathy. They do not care
about your feelings even a little. Narcissists, on the other hand, want
to have a relationship, but they have some real disabilities in their
capacity to respond with compassion and understanding.[5]
Sociopaths do not have any desire for a relationship with you.
Their goal is to get whatever it is you have that they want—such as
money, property, sex, attention, cooperation—without giving you
anything in exchange and then move on. Narcissists often keep
hanging on to the relationship with you even after you split up
because they want that connection and continued attention.
If you’re recovering from manipulation or abuse by a sociopath,
you’ll need more help than this book can provide. You have been
severely abused, and you may need ongoing psychotherapy,
deprogramming, or intensive emotional care. However, this book can
lead you in the right direction toward increasing your self-esteem and
becoming more self-loving.
CONCLUSION
For narcissists, life is all about them. They create an appealing and
charming façade to hook you into a relationship, but hidden under
that False Self are a multitude of relationship limitations and
dysfunctional emotional responses. The narcissist promises to take
care of you and make you the center of his life, only to turn the
tables on you and demand that you be totally focused on him.
Narcissists hide their emotional deficits or blame you for “making
them” act angry, hurtful, and selfish. It’s not until you are truly
committed to the relationship that you discover how many
discrepancies there are between the narcissist’s presented image
and his real personality.
You got hooked into this relationship under false pretenses.
What you were offered and thought you were getting disappeared
almost immediately after you made a commitment. It will never return
for any length of time.
In the next chapter I’ll share with you information about the
qualities and relationship patterns that you brought to this
relationship and how they mesh with the narcissist’s characteristics.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
Which of the behaviors presented here does the narcissist in your
life have?
What traits or behaviors attracted you to the narcissist? Which
of those are still present on a daily basis now?
What effect has the narcissist’s blame and anger had on you?
How has the narcissist’s lack of empathy affected your
relationship?
Can you identify times when the narcissist completely misread
or misinterpreted things you said or did?
What traits of fear, anxiety, and shame have you seen in the
narcissist?
What percentage of the behaviors mentioned in this chapter
does the narcissist in your life exhibit?
NOTES
1. Johnson, Stephen. Character Styles. New York, NY: W. W. Norton
& Co., 1994.
2. Johnson, Stephen. Humanizing the Narcissistic Style. New York,
NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 1987.
3. American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders. Washington, DC, 2013.
4. Baron-Cohen, Simon. Zero Degrees of Empathy. New York, NY:
Penguin Group, 2011.
5. Ibid.
Chapter 2
What About
You
?
“I thought I knew who I was, but I was you.”
—Rumi
WHY THE NARCISSIST NEEDS YOU TO BE A
CARETAKER
Narcissists are actually very needy, insecure, and emotionally
disabled, so it is vital for them to be in a relationship with someone
who can take care of all of these deficits. Narcissists are highly self-
oriented, but they need a partner to help them project their illusion of
competence and perfection in the world. Although they are emotional
loners, they don’t ever want to be alone.
They also want someone who will accept all of their cast-off
feelings and still love, accept, and stay with them without their having
to change. People who are willing to take on this role I call emotional
caretakers.[1] If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for
any length of time, either you already were an emotional caretaker or
you have since become one.
EMOTIONAL CARETAKERS—OTHER ORIENTED
People who become emotional caretakers to a narcissist tend to
naturally be highly empathetic, agreeable, easygoing, and flexible.
They’re considerate, caring, generous, and giving. They look for the
good in others, and they like to please others. They’re steady and
reliable and want to do a good job. When they see someone who
needs help, they are often the first ones to step in. Giving to others
gives them pleasure. They make excellent workers, staunch friends,
loving parents, and loyal spouses. So far, this describes really nice,
caring people.
However, to consistently be an emotional caretaker for a
narcissist, you have to also have some self-defeating traits,
otherwise you wouldn’t have stayed in the relationship. Caretakers
tend to be overly giving, overly loyal, and too empathetic—traits that
narcissists highly encourage and use to their advantage. You
probably have a strong sense of guilt even when something isn’t
your fault. You might have a hidden tendency toward low self-esteem
and a fear of anger or disagreements, and you may be easily
manipulated by blame, accusation, and disappointment from others.
You probably discount your own wants and needs and give in too
much to others. Caretakers usually downplay their own good
qualities while admiring and praising the good in others—a
narcissist’s dream come true. And finally, you are probably not
comfortable being in charge.
These strengths and susceptibilities make you a perfect match
for what the narcissist needs. Let’s look at these qualities in more
depth.
STRENGTHS
Superempathetic
What narcissists lack in empathy, emotional caretakers make up
for in overflowing measure. Caretakers are extremely empathetic—
actually more along the lines of being sympathetic. That is, you may
actually feel your loved ones’ feelings more strongly than your own.
You’re extremely good at reading even the smallest facial cues and
body language, and you often know what other people feel before
they do. So the narcissist just has to “give that look,” and you’ll jump
into action to take care of things. Obviously, this is very appealing to
the narcissist, who already expects you to read his mind.
Agreeable, Easygoing, and Flexible
Emotional caretakers typically respond to requests from others
with “OK, fine, sure, I’d be happy to do that.” This doesn’t necessarily
mean you actually want to do what is being asked. It’s likely that you
don’t even think about saying no. Caretakers try to be as agreeable
and pleasing as possible. When plans change, you don’t worry too
much but are adaptable and flexible. You tend to be easygoing, so it
doesn’t feel difficult to adjust your preferences to meet those of the
narcissist. In addition, when the narcissist is being rigid and upset
about sudden changes and adjustments in plans, you easily smooth
things over and move forward.
Generous and Giving
Emotional caretakers share easily, give generously, and
automatically look for ways to help others. You get a lot of personal
pleasure and satisfaction out of giving your time, attention, energy,
and even money and other kinds of tangible help. You often don’t
even keep track of how much you’re giving, nor do you expect others
to give as much as you do. You just take it for granted that other
people will reciprocate in kind when they are able. You often don’t
notice that the narcissist isn’t giving you nearly as much or repaying
your kindness until the balance sheet is extremely unequal.
Look for the Good in Others
Emotional caretakers don’t like to speak negatively about
anyone. You prefer to look for the smallest bit of goodness in others
and focus entirely on that. You just expect that others will treat you
as kindly and caringly as you would treat them. Caretakers are big
believers in second chances, hope, willingness to change, and
transformation. Narcissists find your tendency to be validating and
optimistic very enjoyable. Even when the narcissist acts rude, hurtful,
or selfish, you typically forgive and understand, hoping for better
behavior in the future.
Steady and Reliable
Caretakers are reliable. You follow through, keep your promises,
do more than your fair share, and can be counted on when things go
awry. You’re dependable, trustworthy, and consistent. You take the
bad with the good and keep your focus on the solution. If there is a
problem, you’re ready to step in and work toward a resolution. You
are not deterred by difficulties or complications. Caretakers like
things to go smoothly and are willing to put in the effort to resolve
things in a positive way.
Like to Please Others
Making others happy makes the caretaker happy. You’re a
peacemaker. You don’t like to be around conflict and disagreement.
You work to find compromise and develop cooperation. You’re willing
to acknowledge your mistakes and make amends. Most caretakers
search for solutions that are mutually beneficial. As a result, it can be
upsetting to you when the other person is angry, displeased, or
dissatisfied and won’t work to resolve an issue.
SUSCEPTIBILITIES AND VULNERABILITIES
Overly Loyal
Once an emotional caretaker makes a promise, it’s forever. In
adults, promises are usually reciprocal, in other words, I’ll do this,
and you’ll do that or I’ll give this, and you’ll give that. This applies to
many things, such as promises of love, friendship, marriage,
financial support, or fidelity, and even small things like promises of
going somewhere together, being somewhere on time, or even
cleaning the kitchen. Caretakers are meticulous about keeping their
promises but amazingly undemanding that other people keep their
reciprocal promises. Even when the narcissist breaks all of his
promises, you’re likely to keep on as if everything in the relationship
were just as it should be. You believe that if you keep your promises
and stay loyal, the narcissist will eventually come around and fulfill
his promises to you.
Overly Sympathetic
Emotional caretakers often have more sympathy for others than
they have for themselves. For example, do you hate to disappoint
others, be disliked, or have someone be upset with you for even a
short time? You may chastise yourself for any anger, mistake, or hurt
you cause others, but you easily forgive the narcissist for his self-
oriented, rude, or hurtful behaviors.
This difference in how you treat yourself versus what you expect
from the narcissist puts your relationship out of balance. By giving
too much and expecting too little, you have set a standard that it’s
OK to discount or ignore your feelings, wants, and needs. Kind and
healthy people see this and try not to impose on you too much.
Narcissists zero in on you because this imbalance is exactly what
they are looking for.
Overly Giving
Because you often forget about your own needs, you can
become exhausted, irritated, and disappointed in others. Caretakers
strongly believe in giving in order to receive. When you want love,
caring, kindness, or consideration, your first thought is to give more
of these things to others so they will give them to you. However, you
may be so self-sufficient that you often don’t ask for consideration or
even give other people a chance to reciprocate.
With a narcissist, you eventually feel unappreciated and taken
advantage of, and the relationship becomes more and more
unbalanced. This overgiving makes you highly attractive to the
narcissist, who greatly enjoys the comfort of this imbalance.
Strong Sense of Guilt: Never Good Enough
There may be another reason you overgive in relationships—
you may feel that you aren’t good enough so you should give more.
Most caretakers expect themselves to meet extremely high
standards of goodness, which can lead to feelings of guilt for not
doing enough for others, not being kind enough, or not going the
extra mile. This makes you easy prey for the narcissist’s pattern of
blaming others. Narcissists notice your feelings of guilt and
inadequacy and use them to get what they want from you.
Fear of Anger and Disagreement
Emotional caretakers don’t like anger, disagreements, or
discord. They sometimes physically recoil from these negative
situations and may even have a loathing reaction to conflict. When
under stress, many caretakers freeze, can’t think of what to say, and
prefer to give in rather than fight. Caretakers frequently grow up in
families where there was either a lot of dysfunctional conflict or no
conflict at all, so you may not have learned effective conflict-
resolution skills. You may not know how to effectively stand up for
yourself or tolerate inharmonious environments.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, there are a lot of
conflicts. The narcissist always wants to do things his way, so you
must either give in all the time or fight for what you want. Narcissists
use your fears about conflict to coerce, control, and force you to give
them what they want. You can find it extremely hard to stand up to
such an intimidating and stubborn person.
Weak Boundaries
A boundary is a line that separates you from someone else.
Boundaries are like protective fences that guard your belongings,
rights, privacy, and even individuality. Many boundaries are set by
social convention or law, but most are set when you do things like
say no, close a door, hang up the phone, or don’t allow someone to
treat you in a particular way. Boundaries, by definition, are a way to
keep other people and their energy at a distance—even when they
don’t like it.
Setting boundaries when the other person doesn’t want the
separation can be quite a challenge for caretakers. You don’t like
being disagreeable or demanding. You also just expect others to
follow convention and respect your boundaries, without your having
to define or defend them.
When you get into a relationship with a narcissist, you’re
shocked and surprised that he doesn’t recognize or honor your
boundaries. In fact, narcissists don’t see any difference between you
and them, your feelings and theirs, your opinions and theirs, or your
property and theirs. Their blindness to boundaries makes it
imperative that you set boundaries over and over to keep your space
and identity intact. This can be extremely exhausting and painful to
do because the narcissist can be very persistent, while you are
strongly uncomfortable with disagreements, conflict, and selfishness.
You want others to be happy and agree to the boundaries you set.
So all the narcissist has to do is disagree, and he’s in control. If you
don’t feel it’s right to take action until the narcissist agrees, you’ll
always lose.
Lance tried to set limits on how much Serena spent, but she
would just open new credit card accounts and continue buying stuff.
All the closets were full, and there were piles of things Serena had
“bought on sale” that she had never even opened. Lance would pay
off the credit cards and close them, only to have Serena find other
ways to get money. He hated fighting and couldn’t figure out an
effective way to say no and have it honored.
Denial of Your Own Wants, Needs, and Feelings
Emotional caretakers are often so busy empathizing with other
people’s feelings and needs that they pay little or no attention to their
own. By the time you’re in need of emotional support, you’ve already
set a pattern with the narcissist that he can discount and invalidate
your feelings and opinions and get away with it. Narcissists already
think your feelings are annoying and interfering in their fantasy
scenario, so they work consistently to talk you out of what you feel
and want. When the narcissist says you don’t feel or want what you
just said you feel and want, you are more likely than most people to
go along with that distortion of reality and give in.
Disavowing Your Own Strengths
Humbleness can be a good quality. However, emotional
caretakers tend to take their uniquely high levels of love, empathy,
caring, cooperative spirit, and generosity for granted. This leads you
to assume that you’re average and that everyone else has the same
abilities. It can be hard for you to comprehend or even believe that
these same qualities are exceptionally low or missing for most
narcissists. This lack of appreciation for your abilities can make you
vulnerable to the devaluing that narcissists do to you in relationships.
Uncomfortable with Power
Many emotional caretakers think that being powerful is the same
thing as being mean, uncaring, and controlling. Therefore, you can
end up feeling uncomfortable and even embarrassed to exert power.
If you grew up with either a controlling, narcissistic parent or in a
home where there was always agreement, you may feel especially
guilty for wanting anything to be your way, fighting for your
autonomy, or using power to get your needs and wants met.
In reality, the power you need to embrace is the power over
yourself and your choices. This includes the power to be who you
are without apology, the power to live your life as you choose, the
power to say no and yes, and the power to be in a safe, comfortable,
and respectful environment. If you don’t use your power to protect
yourself, then the narcissist will always overwhelm you, leaving you
vulnerable to his manipulation and control.
Narcissists like that you’re so giving and easygoing. They put a
lot of pressure on you to give up taking care of yourself and focus
entirely on their wants and needs. When you focus so intently on
someone else, you can end up losing yourself.
Marcie’s mother was self-absorbed, controlling, and demanding.
So when Marcie met Matt, she didn’t even notice how much of the
time Matt was in control of everything they did. She just enjoyed his
charm, self-confidence, and prestige as a cardiac surgeon. Most of
her attention was on her beautiful home and raising the children.
After twenty years of marriage, she was shocked when Matt filed for
divorce and married his twenty-eight-year-old office assistant. Marcie
was at a loss at age forty-six to figure out what to do with the rest of
her life. She had focused entirely on Matt’s goals and choices, and
now she was horrified to have that lifestyle taken away from her. She
didn’t even know what food she preferred, who her real friends were,
or how to spend her evenings without Matt.
THE MAGNETIC ATTRACTION
Narcissists are easily attracted to people with caretaking qualities.
As with any relationship, there needs to be a blend of similarities and
differences. Ross Rosenberg, in his book The Human Magnet
Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, says that the
differences between narcissists and caretakers act as magnetic
polar opposites that attract.[2] The qualities in each are enhanced or
neutralized by the qualities in the other.
Narcissists and caretakers have many differences that pull them
together. Narcissists want someone to look after them, and
caretakers love to give and care for others. Narcissists like being in
control and getting their own way, whereas you’re more willing to
give in to what they want. Narcissists are intense, confident, and
decisive, whereas you’re more easygoing, laid back, agreeable, and
willing to let others be in charge. Narcissists are always coming up
with something new, and you’re good at transforming their ideas into
concrete reality. Narcissists are distractible and spontaneous,
whereas you’re stable and reliable. You’re extremely empathetic,
which can disguise the narcissist’s low empathy. Lastly, narcissists
feel entitled to get whatever they want, whereas you will usually
sacrifice your own wants and needs for the narcissist.
There are also some similarities connecting narcissists and
caretakers. You both carry a hidden need to be perfect and a fear of
being inadequate. However, the narcissist pretends to be perfect,
while you work tirelessly to become perfect. Narcissists don’t have
boundaries, and you find it very hard to set boundaries. Narcissists
and caretakers both dislike negativity. The narcissist, however,
blames his negativity on you, whereas you work hard to change the
narcissist into a more positive person. You are both strongly affected
by fear. Yours is the fear of conflict and guilt, whereas the narcissist’s
is the fear of shame and humiliation. And you both have a deep need
and desire to be committed, connected, and completely immersed in
a relationship with another person.
These similarities and differences work like magnets to attract
you to each other. Unfortunately, they also work to keep you from
being truly intimate. Intimacy requires two people willing and able to
be vulnerable, open, and emotionally close. You and the narcissist
may have physical and sexual closeness, trying to do everything
together, and even pretending to think and feel alike. But intimacy
requires sharing your deepest differences and weaknesses and
exposing your tender feelings. Narcissists can’t risk that level of
vulnerability, and they make it unsafe for you to risk it either. I’ll
explore this in the next chapter.
CONCLUSION
If you weren’t a caretaker before you entered this relationship, it was
inevitable that you would become one. The narcissist demands that
you respond with caretaking behaviors, or he’ll make life miserable.
Naricissists inexorably push you more and more into focusing on
them and less and less on yourself. They discount and disregard
your feelings, thoughts, and needs, while demanding your full
attention and compliance.
Being other oriented, caretakers bring high levels of empathy,
flexibility, generosity, reliability, and caring for others to their
relationships. These are wonderful traits, but they have to be
balanced with boundaries, good self-care, and the ability to stand up
for yourself. When you connected to the narcissist, your caretaking
qualities actually made you highly susceptible to being used and
taken advantage of by him. The narcissist kept you enmeshed and
controlled, filling his needs by using your kindness, loyalty, and
willingness to give in to meet his wishes. You had hoped the
charming, fun part of the narcissist that you fell in love with would
finally reappear if you were more perfect, compliant, and agreeable
—but that rarely happened.
Strangely, it appears that the more of a caretaker you became,
the more the narcissist pulled away, demanded more, and disdained
your efforts. And now, after all you’ve given and put up with, the
narcissist wants out and blames you for all of his dissatisfactions. It’s
so unfair.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
Which caretaker traits do you see in yourself?
What feelings, wants, and needs have you repressed or hidden
in this relationship?
Which caretaker traits have made you vulnerable to
manipulation by the narcissist?
How does the narcissist use your caretaker traits against you?
In what ways are you and the narcissist alike? How are you
different?
Can you put into words what magnetically attracted you to the
narcissist?
Do you act as a caretaker in any other relationships?
NOTES
1. Fjelstad, Margalis. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.
Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2013.
2. Rosenberg, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love
People Who Hurt Us. Eau Claire, WI: Premier Publishing & Media,
2013.
Chapter 3
Why Relationships with
Narcissists Are Always Doomed
“Anyone who wants you to live in misery for their happiness
should not be in your life to begin with.”
—Isaiah Hankel, author, speaker, and Fortune 500 consultant
Your relationship with the narcissist was always doomed. The
most common ways relationships with narcissists end up are as
follows: (1) The narcissist gets bored, feels too vulnerable, doesn’t
want to act more mature and caring, or feels humiliated—and leaves.
(2) The caretaking partner gets fed up, and a final, unforgivable
behavior by the narcissist triggers the caretaker to leave. (3) The
caretaker becomes completely compliant, submissive, and
dependent, and the narcissist leaves or just ignores the caretaker
and creates a separate life. (4) Both the narcissist and the caretaker
create independent, separate lives and continue to live together.
You’ll notice that there is no scenario in which the narcissist
changes into a loving, caring partner and you both live happily ever
after. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder. It runs in families
and seems to be increasing. This means that every narcissist is
likely to have at least one primary relative with the disorder and that
he was probably reinforced and rewarded for his narcissistic
behavior growing up. By the time you meet and fall in love with the
narcissist, he has had a lifetime of being who he is. Narcissists are
no more likely to change their personalities than you are. In addition,
narcissists almost always get everything they want either by
persistence, charm, threat, or outright manipulation, so they’re
continually being rewarded to remain exactly who and what they are.
Hereditary traits and lifelong responses are not likely to change.
To make any kind of change, the narcissist first has to admit that he
has a serious problem and then put in continued, lifelong effort to act
differently despite his natural urge to be narcissistic. He would have
to learn ways to override his distorted perceptions and how to
pretend to be empathetic and control his anger responses. That still
leaves intact his belief that he is superior and his frantic need for
attention to be dealt with. You can see the complexity and hugeness
of the problem.
Should you give up hope of the narcissist’s ever making any sort
of change? What are the chances that the narcissist will “come to his
senses”? When the narcissist says he’s willing to change, can you
have any expectation that it will happen? Will marital counseling
help? How will the narcissist be as a parent after a divorce? There
are so many questions and few answers, with only vague responses
from the professionals.
WHAT IS UNLIKELY TO CHANGE
Lack of Empathy
All of the narcissist’s empathy responses are impaired because
the “empathy circuit” in his brain doesn’t function properly.[1]
Remember, narcissists can’t clearly perceive and interpret other’s
feelings, and they don’t understand or care a great deal how their
behavior affects others. If you respond with hurt or anger to
something the narcissist does, he will simply be baffled by your
feelings, discount their authenticity, and even tell you that your
feelings are wrong or stupid.
Simon Baron-Cohen shares his thirty years of research on
empathy in his book Zero Degrees of Empathy.[2] He states that
sociopaths have basically no empathy at all, and that narcissists
have a minimal ability for empathy. He goes on to say that empathy
is both a biological mechanism and a learned behavior. His research
on the empathy circuit in the brain shows that it is affected by three
things: neural circuitry that is inherited, the amount of stress or
trauma a person has experienced, and short-term physical
conditions, such as being tired, inebriated, or under pressure. Baron-
Cohen has concluded that narcissists have permanent underactivity
in their empathy circuit.
With intense training and motivation, the narcissist can learn to
respond to others more empathetically. However, it doesn’t appear to
their family members that the narcissist feels more empathetic. He
has just learned what to say and do more appropriately. In social
situations, narcissists are pretty good at appearing to be caring.
Nevertheless, in intimate relationships, where there is the greatest
potential for deep emotional connection or intense conflict, the
narcissist quickly reverts to self-centered reactions.
Merging
You can tell a narcissist that you feel different or you want
something different than he does, but the narcissist rarely believes
you. He just thinks that you are wrong, being stubborn, or mentally
ill. Narcissists are convinced that you share their feelings, and they
believe they’re right, despite facts or information to the contrary.
When you say you don’t agree, the narcissist just thinks you are
being obstinate. Since logical arguments seem to have no effect on
the narcissist, the possibility for change in the narcissist is minimal.
Defensiveness and Self-Protection
You need to keep in mind that most narcissists see the world
and other people as dangerous and out to expose and harm their
vulnerable and hidden imperfections. That is why the False Self they
portray to the world is so strong and, they hope, impenetrable.
Threats of exposure of their inadequacies, deficiencies, flaws, or
weaknesses will typically be met with blame, attack, criticism,
denunciation, and projection of those flaws onto you. Having their
vulnerabilities and imperfections exposed is devastating to their
egos. This fear is so deeply rooted that it is nearly impossible to
transform.
Lack of Caring
Narcissists can’t seem to figure out what you feel, so they don’t
respond with much caring. Here’s an example to show you how a
narcissist perceives the world. Imagine that you are looking at a
chair. What is the chair thinking? What is the chair feeling? What
does the chair want? How would you treat a chair fairly? Sounds
impossible to figure out, doesn’t it? Since you assume that chairs
don’t have thoughts or feelings, you would never wonder about those
questions.
You’re the chair to the narcissist. See the problem? The
narcissist doesn’t see your feelings any better than you can see
feelings in a chair. So he doesn’t wonder about what you feel or want
unless your reactions become a threat to what he wants. The rest of
the time, the narcissist is mostly just thinking How can I get what I
want and keep this person from leaving?
Unwilling to Share
Narcissists don’t share. They think everything belongs to them.
They’re surprised that you would get upset when they take what they
want. It appears that narcissists think that allowing you to be around
them is sharing enough. They don’t share their deepest feelings and
true inner thoughts either, so intimacy doesn’t naturally develop.
Attempts to reach these inner feelings are usually met with
stonewalling, avoidance, and outright anger and defensiveness.
Narcissists Don’t Seek Help
Narcissists could have a chance to learn better ways to interact
in relationships, but they are the least likely group to seek help.
Narcissists rarely go into therapy. They keep their False Self intact
by buying wholeheartedly into the fantasy that everyone else has a
problem but they are perfectly fine. The rest of their family members
may all be on medication or in therapy because of the narcissist’s
behaviors, but getting the narcissist into therapy is nearly impossible.
Narcissists who grudgingly agree to go to therapy usually leave after
a session or two or have an agenda to prove to the therapist that
you’re the crazy person. Unfortunately, they’re frequently convincing,
since many therapists without training in personality disorders can be
charmed and tricked by the narcissist’s confidence and self-
assurance. Working with personality disorders is a highly specialized
field, and most therapists have little or no training to work effectively
with narcissists nor the understanding or awareness to identify the
disorder.
If the narcissist finally does go to therapy with you and the
therapist is knowledgeable, the likely progression will be as follows:
Session one, the narcissist does everything possible to
charm the therapist and paint you as irrational and hostile. You
become angry and defensive.
Session two, the narcissist becomes argumentative and
pouting. You become stronger and start exposing some of the
more hidden behaviors of the narcissist, such as sexual affairs,
misuse of money, hostile words and behaviors, or even physical
abuse.
Session three, the narcissist doesn’t show up or explodes in
anger in the session and walks out, never to return.
Narcissism is a deeply embedded personality configuration that
is tenacious and persistent and not easily amenable to change.
NARCISSIST/CARETAKER RELATIONSHIP
PATTERNS
It is also hard to change the interaction patterns that develop
between narcissists and caretakers. Narcissists don’t understand
caretakers, but neither do caretakers understand narcissists. As a
highly empathetic caretaker, it’s hard for you to even imagine what it
would feel like not to be automatically compassionate, sympathetic,
or considerate. Half of the time narcissists have no idea what you’re
talking about when you mention caring, trust, partnership, or
intimacy. As you can see by now, these words mean entirely different
things to the narcissist than to you. These basic miscommunications
are nearly impossible to overcome because they are deeply
embedded and hardwired in each of you.
When you try to talk about things, your words seem to indicate
the same goals and needs, and you think that progress is being
made. However, you and the narcissist mean entirely different things
using the same words, and your internal emotional reactions are
quite different. Narcissists and caretakers can get into destructive
patterns that reinforce each others worst traits.
Pursuing and Distancing
Caretakers are pursuers, and narcissists are distancers. The
more you reach out to the narcissist and ask him to share feelings,
talk about the relationship, or discuss your differences, the more the
narcissist backs away and gets defensive. The narcissist came on so
strong at the beginning of the relationship that you got the
impression he truly wanted to be close and intimate. Narcissists
press hard for a quick commitment at the beginning of a relationship
to seal the deal. Then they can relax without fear of abandonment
and be themselves—totally self-absorbed and self-focused.
Narcissists will give you just enough attention and cooperation to
keep the relationship in place. When you ask for more than that
minimal amount, they’ll get angry or withdraw.
On the other hand, caretakers thrive on giving, sharing, and
communicating about everything. When you sense moodiness in the
narcissist, you immediately want to talk about it, fix it, and make your
partner happy again. It’s mystifying to you why the narcissist would
get angry about that. His anger makes you want to talk things
through even more and get things back on track, whereas the
narcissist just wants to bury it and move on. Narcissists think all that
talking is your way of trying to change them, and they know they
don’t want to change. They’re already doing things the way they
want to.
Fight, Flight, and Freeze
Most of us know about the fight or flight response, but there is
another response that is part of that pattern—it’s freeze.[3]
Narcissists prefer to flee when they feel danger, but if cornered
they’ll fight. Caretakers more often freeze. That puts you at a huge
disadvantage when dealing with a narcissist. When you freeze, your
whole body and brain start shutting down. Your heart rate falls, your
ability to think diminishes, and your breathing nearly stops. In the
meantime, the narcissist is either out the door or verbally berating
you. Fight, flight, and freeze are all fear responses, which are
biologically based and designed to deal with attacking lions or
natural disasters. When both parties have high levels of fear and
anxiety, these automatic reactions can make it difficult to solve
differences in intimate relationships. Adrenaline gets activated, and
the ability to think and problem solve goes out the window.
To solve relationship problems, human beings need to feel safe,
secure, and confident in the other person’s love and commitment.
They also need a sense of ease, trust, and understanding. The
automatic fear reactions that you and the narcissist trigger in each
other illustrate a core fact of the narcissist/caretaker relationship:
There is not enough trust and belief in the strength of the intimate
bond to directly and fearlessly confront and overcome differences.
Somewhere, deep down, you both know this relationship works only
one way—the way the narcissist wants it to work.
Parent and Child—Superior/Inferior
Narcissists always think and behave in a one-up and one-down
pattern in their interactions with you. They need to be superior and
right about everything. They also find most mundane chores beneath
them or too much of a bother, so they expect you to do them and
treat you like an underling. Narcissists want to put their energy into
doing only the things they like to do. You end up taking up the slack,
whether it’s doing all the cooking, cleaning, family scheduling, or
getting children to their activities. As the caretaker, you come to feel
like the parent because the narcissist acts like a child who needs lots
of caring and monitoring. The narcissist believes he’s the boss and
you’re the subordinate, whereas you think of him as an obstinate
child.
You both end up feeling superior and inferior at the same time.
Instead of a team that works together for the benefit of all, you end
up being in competition for who does the most work, who brings in
the most money, who is irresponsible or selfish. Obviously, this works
to create a rivalry rather than a partnership. It doesn’t take long for
this rivalry to spawn resentment that makes it nearly impossible to
cooperate.
Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer
The contentiousness in your relationship with the narcissist
creates what is known as the “drama triangle,” each of you
alternately playing the persecutor, victim, or rescuer.[4] It goes like
this: The narcissist acts as the persecutor when he blames you. You
see this as unfair and feel like a victim. This goes on for a while, until
you turn the tables and start blaming him, thus becoming the
persecutor. The narcissist then becomes the victim. Or instead, you
try to please and appease the narcissist by being the rescuer. In the
rescuer role you try to get the narcissist to see things logically, or you
make attempts to get the narcissist to change and act more caring
and agreeable. This can quickly deteriorate into you demanding and
persecuting and the narcissist feeling like a victim again. Narcissists
hate that feeling, so they’ll return to persecuting and push you back
into being the victim. For a more in-depth description of this
relationship dynamic, see chapter 2 in my book Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or Narcissist.[5] Here is an example:
Jim: “What do you mean there isn’t enough money in the
account? I told you I was going to buy those new golf clubs
today.” (Persecutor)
Cayley: “I’m so sorry, but it’s not my fault that the washing
machine broke down, and then I had to get the kids’ school
supplies.” (Victim)
Jim: “You don’t need to do all that right now. I need to get these
clubs for the game on Saturday. The kids’ stuff can wait, and
you have plenty of clothes. The washer didn’t need fixing until
next month.” (Persecutor)
Cayley: “The kids start school this week. What was I supposed
to do?” (Victim) “You’re just being selfish. What’s wrong with
you?” (Persecutor)
Jim: “Don’t I have any rights around here? Everyone gets what
they want, and nobody cares how I feel about anything.” (Victim)
Cayley: “Of course I care about you. I do everything you ask.
I’ve been saving some money for a winter coat. I guess you
could have that, but I just wish you would deal with this calmly
instead of blowing up.” (Victim, Rescuer, and then mild
Persecutor)
Jim: “What? You were hiding that money from me? You’re really
a greedy bitch.” (Persecutor)
Cayley: “Don’t talk to me like that. You’re really being mean. I
just offered to help.” (Rescuer) “You never appreciate anything I
do.” (Persecutor)
This pattern can go on and on, because there are only these
three rather distasteful and ineffective roles to choose from. It
becomes even more destructive when either one of you pulls in a
child to play the third role.
As long as you are both involved in this triangular interaction,
your relationship will always be in conflict and end in a standoff.
However, every time you try to move out of this rigid pattern, the
narcissist will do everything possible to pull you back in, because this
is the only communication model that fits the narcissist’s
superior/inferior construct. It may also be extremely hard for you to
“give up” the game, because it feels like the narcissist is “winning.”
CARETAKER EXPECTATIONS THAT NARCISSISTS
CAN’T MEET
Reciprocity
It’s normal to have expectations for what you want in a
relationship. You expect to do certain things for the other person,
and you want him to do things that please, help, and support you.
This is called reciprocity. This exchange is normal, and all ongoing
relationships rely on this exchange of physical and emotional
assistance. Everyone has his or her own unique hopes, dreams, and
assumptions about how the relationship will develop.
Relationships between narcissists and caretakers have some
significant imbalances in these expectations. Narcissists are almost
entirely focused on what they will get out of the relationship, and
caretakers are too focused on what they will give. Even so, the few
things that you want, hope, and expect will always seem too difficult
and burdensome to a narcissist.
Emotional Support
Caretakers commonly say they want a partner who will give
emotional support. Caretakers often don’t need a lot of support
because they get such good feelings from giving to others, but they
definitely need love, caring, thoughtfulness, validation, and
reassurance—at least sometimes. Unfortunately, when they need
support is typically the time the narcissist flees or wants to be given
support—again.
Since narcissists are so self-absorbed, their support is rather
random. However, random reinforcement is extremely powerful (for
example, think of slot machine payouts). It eventually becomes
difficult for caretakers to leave even when so little is gained because
the next big payout may be just around the corner.
A client of mine said she felt that she got little support from her
husband and was always asking for affection and consideration. She
stayed in the relationship and kept surviving on his small tokens of
caring until she ran across his will one day. As she read it, she saw
that he had cut her out entirely—leaving the house, car, and all his
savings to his daughter from his former marriage. If he died, she
would be destitute. That was the last straw, but the signs had been
there for years. She had tried to pretend that he loved her, but being
left impoverished was the insult that she could see clearly.
Partnership
Most people today want a marriage that has a sense of
teamwork or partnership. This requires that both parties identify their
strengths and weaknesses and step in to help each other to
accomplish their goals. Healthy relationships are built on this mutual
assistance, which helps the entire family reach their common goals.
Narcissists, however, believe they are working alone to reach
their goals. When a relationship ends, this egocentrism is more
visible. You may have thought you were working together, but during
a divorce you hear things such as “All you did was take care of the
kids; I made all the money. Why should I just give it to you?” or “You
need to move out, now. This house is mine,” or “You better pay up
big time for all the hurt and selfishness I had to put up with.” You
become the enemy. There is, and never was, any real sense of
partnership other than in your fantasies.
Acceptance
When you met the narcissist, you felt completely accepted and
adored. Once you became fully devoted and committed to the
relationship, however, that feeling dwindled. The narcissist always
wants and expects more, continually demanding that you prove
you’re good enough, caring, or thoughtful enough to be considered
satisfactory. It’s nearly impossible to feel true approval and
acceptance. Without a reliable sense of acceptance, it’s impossible
for you to feel trusting and secure.
Intimacy
The thing caretakers say they want most from their partners is
emotional intimacy. This usually refers to a feeling of exclusive
closeness, deep knowledge and information about each other,
special shared experiences, secret confidences, and sexual fidelity.
Narcissists have a hard time doing any of these things exclusively
and consistently. You think you’re hearing special confidences, but
many times things they tell you aren’t even true because narcissists
frequently lie or embellish their experiences and accomplishments to
impress others.
I’ve had clients who found out years later that their spouses had
been previously married and had children, or didn’t finish their
college degrees, or were never in the military, or had had affairs for
over a decade. These are shocking revelations that can destroy any
sense of trust and intimate closeness you may have thought you
had.
For narcissists, intimacy primarily means sex. Sex fulfills their
notion of closeness, without having to reveal anything about their
vulnerabilities, inadequacies, faults, or mistakes. They feel
reassured, without being emotionally exposed, and they often use
sex to keep their partners securely attached.
What Does This Mean?
You have a right to expect your primary love relationship to fulfill
basic emotional needs. Narcissists are great at telling you all the
things they’ll do for you when the relationship begins, but they just
aren’t able to meet anyone else’s ongoing needs for any length of
time. They find it challenging to consistently pay attention to any one
person. They have just too many things about themselves that they
have to think about. The narcissist’s inability to meet your
expectations is surely disappointing. You may occasionally get some
of what you want, but it’s not consistent and is often given
grudgingly. So you’re often disappointed and confused.
NARCISSIST’S EXPECTATIONS THAT CAN’T BE
MET
Constant Attention
Narcissists love being in relationships because it gives them a
24/7 audience. You’re expected to be available any time, day or
night, give them all your attention, and not be distracted anywhere
else—whether it is time spent at work, on the phone with your family,
or even attending to your children’s needs. The narcissist always
wants to come first, be able to tap into your energy, and be noticed
by you at any moment. He will barge in when the door is closed,
follow you around the house, and ask you to fix things or handle a
problem he has, always assuming you’re available.
Even if you oblige and give all of your free time to the narcissist,
he will typically not be satisfied. He may try to cut you off from your
family and friends, convince you to work from home, or quit work
altogether so you can be with him. Despite all that you give, the
narcissist will still accuse you of being selfish and disloyal and not
loving enough.
Adoration
Narcissists require total acceptance, recognition, approval, and
agreement for everything they do, think, say, or want. They expect
you to join their fantasy of being the greatest, most important, most
knowledgeable, and most wonderful and perfect person of all time.
The moment you no longer believe this fantasy, the narcissist will
sense you pulling back and will go into overdrive to convince you to
rejoin the illusion. If you can’t regain your old enthusiasm, the
narcissist moves into full harassment, criticism, and condemnation of
your inadequacies, disloyalty, and selfishness.
Narcissists cannot live without this adoration. Unfortunately, no
one can give them all the glorification and devotion they feel they
deserve. So they are always on the lookout for more admiration by
giving to their community, neighbors, or social groups, while ignoring
the needs of their own family; quitting the job that supports the family
to take off for a two-month cross-country bike ride, including blogs to
admiring friends; having an affair; or spending evenings socializing
with friends and ignoring you. These behaviors give the narcissist
the admiration he craves while also punishing you for having needs
and not giving him all that he wants.
Excitement
Narcissists are always looking for something new and exciting.
One of my clients said that her husband had filled their garage with
so many different types of sports equipment that they couldn’t park
their car in the garage. He had been completely enthusiastic about
biking, skiing, tennis, and weight lifting, and he bought every piece of
equipment and clothing for each sport. However, his interest in each
had lasted less than six months before he moved on to something
else. Narcissists often move from job to job, friend to friend, or
relationship to relationship, always looking for the next big thing.
The narcissist also moves on to escape others from finding out
that he isn’t as advertised. Narcissists cancel activities with friends
when they find something more “fun” to do. They “forget” their
promises and commitments. They get easily insulted and feel
rejected when others aren’t instantly ready and excited to do what
they want to do. They lose jobs when they don’t follow through. Their
quest for the new, the better, and the more exciting is a way of
avoiding commitments, responsibilities, and imminent rejection.
Keeping Up the Façade
The narcissist expects you to keep the secret of his hidden,
negative self. He may not ask you directly to keep his lapses and
acting-out behaviors confidential, but it’s implied or embedded in the
narcissist’s rule of “privacy.” He says, “This is just between us. This
is not something your family needs to know about,” or he gives you
that look, which says “This is not to be shared with others.” This
secret keeping cuts you off from the support of friends and family by
involving you in a collusion about your relationship that ultimately
makes it hard for you to be open and honest about your own life and
emotional distress.
Any exposure on your part is treated as an enormous breach to
the relationship. One client shared her hurt and disappointment
about her marriage in an e-mail to John, an old high school boyfriend
whom she hadn’t seen in years. She wasn’t allowed by the narcissist
to talk with her family and friends about “personal” things. She had
no romantic feelings for John but needed someone to help her
understand her confusion and worry. When her narcissistic husband
found out, he accused her of infidelity and filed for divorce. Sharing
his inadequacies was an enormous betrayal to him.
Total Control
Narcissists want total control of everything that goes on in the
relationship. He may expect to be in control of the money, the style
and location of the house, and the type of discipline used with the
children. He wants control over how you dress, what you eat, how
much you exercise, how often you see your family, who your friends
are, and where you vacation. Life is all about saving face and fear of
exposure for the narcissist.
What Does This Mean?
The narcissist’s expectations are so extreme and excessive that
literally no one can ever hope to meet them. In addition, narcissists
never seem to feel satisfied, no matter how much others do for them.
They look for people with caretaking traits because they know
caretakers will try the hardest to meet their expectations. These
relationships last longer than other pairings for narcissists because
caretakers are more willing to keep trying to meet their demands and
expectations. Caretakers keep hoping that if they do everything right,
narcissists will eventually keep their promises, but that never
happens for long.
CONCLUSION
The information in these first three chapters is meant to show you
why this relationship has not worked out the way you thought,
hoped, and dreamed it would. It probably confirms what you feel, but
may not have seen clearly, and clarifies why this relationship has
been so complicated, mystifying, disappointing, and frustrating.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What behaviors in the narcissist have you been hoping will change?
How much change in these behaviors have you seen over the
course of your relationship?
What patterns between you and the narcissist have you been
caught up in?
What part have you played in keeping these patterns going?
Which role do you most often take: victim, rescuer, or
persecutor?
Make a list of the expectations you most want from an intimate
relationship. Which of these did the narcissist fulfill?
What impossible demands has the narcissist made on you?
What do you think is likely to happen next in this relationship?
NOTES
1. Baron-Cohen, Simon. Zero Degrees of Empathy. New York, NY:
Penguin Group, 2011.
2. Ibid.
3. Porges, Stephen. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological
Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-
Regulation. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 2011.
4. Karpman, Stephen. “The New Drama Triangles.” Paper presented
at USA Transactional Analysis Association/International
Transactional Analysis Association Conference, August 11, 2007.
5. Fjelstad, Margalis. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.
Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2013.
II
How Could This Be Over?
Chapter 4
The End Game
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”
Lau Tzu
You are probably reading this book because your relationship
with a narcissist is ending or has ended. This chapter looks at how
these relationships end. Narcissists typically end the relationship,
whereas caretakers are more likely to keep trying to make things
work. You’re more likely to keep hoping that things will improve. And
you’re the one more likely to seek out therapy to work on the
relationship—even without the narcissist.
The question of why narcissists act the way they do was
covered in the first three chapters. Now the questions are why does
the narcissist want to end this relationship and should I agree to
ending things? This chapter addresses these two questions.
WHY NARCISSISTS END RELATIONSHIPS
Narcissists end relationships for numerous reasons—boredom, not
getting their insatiable needs met, someone or something else pulls
their attention away, they want to be in romance again, they think
you are causing their discontent, they don’t like being responsible to
you or for you, they want a new adventure, or they just want to start
over. Deeper, more psychological reasons include that you know too
much about their shortcomings, they feel inferior and inadequate
around you, they’re depressed and want to be admired and seen as
perfect again, or they’re just feeling old.
It’s Not About You
You may notice that none of these reasons have much to do
with you. They all have to do with how the narcissist interprets and
reacts to his own feelings. Narcissists can’t stand feeling anxious,
fearful, despondent, or depressed. They become quickly desperate
to feel better. Common reactions narcissists have when things aren’t
going well for them include getting angry, spending money, having
more sex, getting overinvolved in a new project, or if all else fails,
making a dramatic turnaround change in their own lives, such as
changing jobs, moving, getting a divorce, having an affair, or
changing their religion. If the narcissist is desperate to feel better, he
may do all of these things at the same time.
It’s Not Your Fault How the Narcissist Feels
Spending a lot of time trying to figure out what you did to make
the narcissist pull away or end the relationship is not productive
because it is extremely unlikely that you did anything out of the
ordinary. Narcissists definitely like to blame you—and others—for
things not going the way they want. It’s important to remember that
you don’t actually make the narcissist feel or do anything. The
narcissist may feel uncomfortable, dissatisfied, unhappy, and so on,
but these feelings are inside of him and not under your direct control.
The way you do things, say things, feel, or react may be perfectly
acceptable or even delightful to someone else. The narcissist just
sees you and the world from a skewed perspective. Narcissists have
a delusional belief that their feelings are caused by the things that
happen to them and the people around them.
The total change in the narcissist’s demeanor, attitudes, and
behaviors toward you since the breakup can be heartbreaking. How
could anyone change so quickly and so completely? You went from
being the closest of confidants to being the enemy for “no apparent
reason.” You may be trying to figure out what “caused” this change,
but it is hard to put your finger on anything that you did that would be
so awful or horrible. And you’re right. You didn’t do anything terrible.
This change in your standing with the narcissist is completely within
the mind-set of the narcissist. He may blame you for various and
sundry missteps, but any healthy, loving person would be willing to
work out these differences.
The narcissist latches on to anything to use as an excuse to
“explain” his decision to reject and abandon you. Often, what the
narcissist says is the problem is not the real reason.
Years ago one narcissistic client said she wanted to end her
marriage because her husband was “uncouth.” When I asked her
how he was uncouth, she explained that he consistently went to
important social functions with his shoes and belt not matching. As
we kept talking I found out that her husband wanted his sixteen-year-
old son to move in with them, which she was actually furious about
but didn’t want him to know because she would look bad.
Another narcissistic client was enraged and wanted out of the
marriage because he felt his new four-year-old stepdaughter was
disrespectful to him when she wouldn’t clean her room. What he
actually didn’t like was that his wife gave the daughter more attention
than she gave him.
In fact, events that happen are only one of several components
that affect how we feel. Our interpretations, support system, and
resources are also powerful factors. Narcissists are highly biased
and skewed in their thinking, so they consistently and mistakenly
interpret negative feelings as caused by outside events and other
people. Narcissists also have a limited support system made up of
one or two friends chosen to exactly reflect their views and thoughts.
Therefore, these friends can’t offer meaningful help or insight in
difficult situations. The only resources that narcissists value and can
count on are money and freedom. This leads them to consider
divorce more easily. Many narcissists believe that divorce represents
total freedom and complete control of all the money and all the
decisions.
You Can’t Fix Them
As a caretaker, you flew to make things better for the narcissist,
even if you had to take the blame for something you didn’t do. You
may have tried to smooth things over, change how and what you
said, and meet more of the narcissist’s expectations. However, in the
long run the narcissist always does what he wants to do. You can’t
change or control him. Trying to explain and get him to understand
how you feel or to follow your suggestions leads to a lot of
disappointment. Narcissists can’t understand or relate to your
feelings, and their interpretation of events will hardly ever match
yours. Your words don’t make sense to them. They may try to
understand or pretend to understand, but in the long run you are
talking two different languages. When it comes to understanding
your feelings or motivations, the narcissist is blind and deaf.
WHEN NARCISSISTS LEAVE
When the relationship is at an end for the narcissist, it may come
suddenly or may be long and drawn out. In either case, the narcissist
has been stewing and probably discontented for some time without
your ever knowing it. For narcissists, relationships always feel like an
inner conflict and tension between freedom and abandonment,
control and acquiescence, loneliness and suffocation. Their primary
commitment is to their own survival, comfort, and safety.
Essentially, the narcissist will give just enough of whatever it is
that you absolutely need to keep you in the relationship while also
allowing him a satisfactory level of control, dominance, and freedom.
That can be a tricky balance, and it can change from hour to hour
and day to day. Whenever you try to make the relationship more to
your liking, the narcissist will inevitably resist. However, he can
sense that if he pulls too far away or gets too hostile or domineering,
you may get upset enough to leave.
In actuality, the relationship between most caretakers and
narcissists is not ideal for either of you. The narcissist wants a
partner who is submissive and yet independent emotionally—an
impossible ideal. Caretakers consistently say they want a
relationship that is cooperative, accepting, and emotionally intimate
and feels safe and comfortable. It is highly doubtful that the
narcissist has met those criteria more than briefly after the first few
days or months of the relationship.
Even so, relationships between narcissists and caretakers can
sometimes last for years if a certain balance is found. Most
relationships with narcissists, however, are fairly brief. Relationships
are not static. Both parties change over the years, and narcissists
don’t deal well with changes that are out of their control. Children are
born, both partners get older, jobs and roles change, interests
evolve, willingness to tolerate disagreeable behaviors declines, and
interest in particular friends and activities fades and changes. Each
of these changes requires a rebalancing of the relationship, which is
likely to cause conflict. Conflict with a narcissist requires the partner
to give in or stand one’s ground and suffer the consequences of his
anger and hostility and at least temporary denunciation. Either party
can get fed up with this pattern. As the pursuer, caretakers are more
likely to want to “work things out,” whereas the narcissist, being the
distancer, is more inclined to leave.
Any significant change in you can also spell the end of the
relationship. Some examples that clients have shared with me over
the years include getting a long-term illness, such as fibromyalgia,
cancer, depression, or increasing loss of eyesight or hearing;
personal achievements, such as graduating from college, starting a
new business or getting an award; entering the workforce; or
changing your fight style, such as setting boundaries, speaking up
more effectively about what you want, or refusing to be intimidated.
Changes in the narcissist’s life can also lead to the end of the
relationship. Examples include the narcissist’s most hated or loved
parent dies, severe illness or injury in which the narcissist can’t
function for a period of time, a midlife crisis, the narcissist’s fear of
getting old, a significant job promotion or demotion, or a huge weight
loss or weight gain.
In healthy relationships life changes can be a challenge, but
they tend to strengthen the relationship. Narcissists frequently see
such changes as nullifying the underlying relationship commitment
and agreement. This provides an opening for him to exit rather than
contend with the difficulties of readjustment and growth.
Marjorie and Clay did pretty well in the first ten years of their
relationship. Clay had a high-paying job in pharmaceutical sales. He
thrived on hobnobbing with the medical doctors, going on trips paid
for by his employer, having a million-dollar home, and generally
feeling important and successful. Marjorie enjoyed her job as a
teacher and spent a lot of time with their two children.
When the industry changed, Clay no longer got all those perks.
His territory enlarged, but his commissions went down. Eventually he
was laid off, replaced by computer-generated sales. He collapsed
into a depression that lasted three years. They lost their house and
had to rely entirely on Marjorie’s teaching salary. Although they were
getting by, Clay couldn’t overcome the humiliation. He had to take a
low-paying sales job. He met a young woman at work, and his affair
with her pulled him out of his depression. It also demolished his
marriage and family. Marjorie wanted to keep working on their life
together, but Clay was off in a new direction and never looked back.
Narcissists find it hard to be without a relationship at all, so the
timing or reason for their leaving is often based on their opportunity
to move into another relationship quickly. Many narcissists already
have a new partner picked out or have already started an affair
before they leave. They literally can’t stand to be out of enmeshment
with someone for long.
HOW NARCISSISTS LEAVE: YOU HAVE TO BE THE
BAD GUY
Push Away/Pull Back
Sometimes the relationship with a narcissist will end suddenly,
with an entire cutoff. However, it is more likely that the narcissist will
leave, then want to come back, reconnect, and reject you again—
maybe several times. He says he never wants to hear from you
again, but then he calls or sends e-mail messages that are infuriating
and meant to reengage you. He wants a divorce but then agrees to
go to therapy, which gives you hope. Then he quits therapy or
doesn’t show up. You never know where you stand.
If you don’t want the relationship to end, these tactics keep you
on edge—hopeful and yet frustrated. You feel pushed away,
rejected, and disregarded, and then your hope is revived when he
seems to be changing. However, if you don’t come running back,
he’ll try to reengage you with unfair put-downs, false accusations,
and biased remarks to others, which you probably feel you have to
defend. Defensiveness and anger can keep you tied into the
relationship even though nothing is improving.
This push away/pull back keeps you off balance and continually
hoping for reconciliation. It can waste days, months, and even years
of your life. Waiting for the narcissist to decide the fate of your
relationship puts all the control in his hands. This is what narcissists
prefer. They want to keep you around while they decide for sure
what works the best for them or until they find a new partner. It is
important for you to start making decisions about what you want to
do.
They Try to Make You Leave First
Narcissists always want to be seen as blameless when their
relationships end. One way to do this is to try to make you leave
them. They go through a phase of devaluing you and putting you
down. They make spiteful, cutting, and wounding comments. They
blatantly don’t keep their commitments—passively-aggressively
“forgetting” or just rudely ignoring you. They refuse to tell you where
they’re going and who they’re with. They say or do bizarre things
while acting as if what they are doing is perfectly normal and
appropriate. They accuse you of thoughts and behaviors that are not
true, which leaves you feeling like you’re the crazy one. This keeps
them feeling righteous, and it keeps you furious and still engaged.
They Make Choices They Know You Will Reject
Another way the narcissist makes you the bad guy is to make a
life choice that he knows you will reject. Some examples include a
choice to move to another country, accepting a job that pays half of
his current salary, or buying a house in another state without
consulting you. When you get upset with these choices, you’re
accused of being unsupportive. If you agree to go along with these
choices, he still isn’t satisfied and may even increase his devaluing
and criticisms of you, because he really just wanted you to leave.
More desperate attempts to push you out of the relationship can
include bizarre and aggressive behaviors, such as getting another
woman pregnant, moving a lover into the house you share, leaving
on vacation alone and not returning, or selling a business and
gambling the money away.
Sudden Trigger Event
Sometimes a triggering event will motivate the narcissist to
leave. These are usually life-altering events for one of you. If you
become ill or incapacitated or unable or unwilling to participate in the
life the narcissist has designed, that may prompt the narcissist to
leave. Even a positive event, such as having a child, can upset the
delicate balance of the relationship, especially if it requires the
narcissist to be more responsible and emotionally involved.
Illnesses, aging, and job losses or promotions can act as triggers for
the narcissist to suddenly abandon the relationship.
Blame
When things don’t work out, the narcissist puts the blame
entirely on someone else. You were on a pedestal at the beginning
of the relationship. You were wonderful and perfect, and the
narcissist was thrilled to have “won” you as a mate. Now that the
narcissist sees the relationship as broken, damaged, and ending,
now it’s all your fault. He says you’re too fat or too needy or too
happy. You have wrecked things, destroyed the trust, ruined the best
thing you ever had, crushed his love. You’re unappreciative of all he
has done for you. You would be nothing without him. You have
single-handedly destroyed all the two of you have built. You’re selfish
and demanding. Overnight you have become the most despised
person in the narcissist’s life.
Obviously that is shocking, hurtful, insulting, and thoroughly
unfair and wrong. When the narcissist reaches this point, he will no
longer listen to you or give you any consideration and may no longer
be willing to even speak to you. If you apologize profusely enough
and beg for reconciliation, you may get back together for a while, but
things between you will probably never be good again.
WHY IT’S HARD TO LEAVE A NARCISSIST
Your super loyalty, compassion, and desire to be true to your
promises make it hard for you to consider leaving the relationship.
The narcissist can also make it hard for you to leave because he
wants to be in control of the decision to end the relationship. As long
as keeping the relationship is the most important factor to you, the
narcissist has free rein to dominate you and your decisions.
Caretakers are most likely to leave when the narcissist crosses
a line that they finally can’t or won’t tolerate. But over the years, I
have found it hard to predict when a caretaker will leave. The client
whose narcissistic husband suffered a stroke and became physically
abusive didn’t leave. However, the client whose husband moved his
pregnant girlfriend into the spare bedroom, saying she was an old
friend from college down on her luck, did file for divorce. Caretaking
men seem less likely to leave than women, perhaps because of the
extra burden of responsibility that men culturally feel to take care of
women.
When caretakers do leave, they find it is difficult to stick with
their decision due to feelings of guilt or pity for the narcissist. And if
the narcissist doesn’t want you to leave, he’ll keep pressuring you to
change your mind, often with those same old promises to change.
The narcissist can make your life extremely arduous, to keep control
of you and the relationship.
You’ve Made a Mistake
After years of being told you are wrong and having your
decisions devalued by the narcissist, you are probably prone to
second-guessing yourself. And the narcissist will certainly try to
convince you that you’ve made a mistake. He tries charisma,
coaxing, persuasion, and then intimidation, goading, and outright
provocation to get back in control of the relationship.
The narcissist will say “You just misinterpreted what I said. Of
course, you should know that deep down I love you; why do I have to
say it all the time? What about all the good times we’ve had
together? You look at the negative too much. You don’t understand
the stress I’ve been under lately. You take things too personally.
You’re overreacting. You’re too emotional.”
Although the narcissist tries to sound positive about the
relationship and why you shouldn’t leave, you’ll notice that all these
“reasons” are actually negative remarks about you and what is
wrong with what you’re doing. These are not real encouragements to
stay in the relationship; they are actually manipulations to lower your
self-esteem so you won’t leave.
If the coaxing and persuasion don’t work, the narcissist can
bring out the especially negative evaluations to trigger your sore
spots and make you feel bad about yourself: “You were nothing
before you married me. Go back to that stupid family of yours and
rot. You’ll be sorry when I’m out in California and making loads of
money. I can find somebody who will really love me and always put
me first.”
If the narcissist still needs you, he won’t want you upsetting his
plans. Your leaving gives you more emotional strength and power in
the relationship by moving you further out of the narcissist’s control,
and he doesn’t want that to happen.
Guilt
Guilt is a powerful tool for the narcissist to use to pull you back
into the relationship. The narcissist brings up every time he has done
something nice for you, or stresses how much he cares about you,
or reminds you of the wonderful times you’ve had together. If the
positives don’t work to bring you back, narcissists default to their
devaluing attacks. Any complaint you have made about the
narcissist will be returned and blamed on you. Narcissists
consistently blame their partners for behaviors they are actually
doing in that very moment, such as screaming, name-calling,
hostility, selfishness, hatred, and passive-aggressiveness.
Being told you are selfish, unkind, cruel, greedy, stingy, or
hurting someone’s feelings can be especially painful to a caretaker.
You work so hard to never do those behaviors and almost never
even have those kinds of feelings, so you feel so wronged. These
comments are such a clear indication that the narcissist doesn’t
know you or see you for who you are, and that can be heartbreaking.
These kinds of accusations also increase your feelings of guilt,
so you’re more likely to redouble your efforts to prove to the
narcissist that you’re not that kind of person. That’s just what the
narcissist wants because it reengages you in the relationship. Once
the narcissist has you back interacting, he can keep you feeling
powerless, guilty, and participating in the relationship until he’s ready
to end it.
Demands for Attention
It is easier to leave a narcissist if you cut off as much contact as
possible. However, narcissists can be extremely persistent in
grabbing your attention. Clients have reported many types of
attention-getting behaviors from narcissists who feel rejected, for
example: drunk calling in the middle of the night, “accidentally”
breaking into your house to get their belongings, hundreds of texts or
e-mail messages in a day, constant pleas for you to “explain” why
you want to leave—all of which lead to the narcissist’s denouncing
you for being so negative.
If you have children together, these pleas for attention can go on
and on. One client was so anxious from all of this pressure that she
actually lost her voice when she saw her former husband. He was so
determined to get her attention that he even pressured the court to
“order” her to speak to him in public “for the sake of the children.”
Actually, of course, it was for the sake of his own egotistical need to
be acknowledged.
Promises to Change
If persuasion, guilt, and attention-getting behaviors don’t pull
you back into the relationship, the narcissist pulls out the “promise”
to change. Suddenly the narcissist says he understands why you are
upset and ready to leave. He appears to be taking responsibility for
his behaviors. He promises to go to therapy, do everything you ask,
do things your way. He is so, so sorry to have hurt you.
This is a tempting appeal for a caretaker who truly wants the
relationship to work. Now it seems that the narcissist finally
understands what you’ve been saying and is ready to make things
right. He seems genuinely sincere. You breathe a sigh of relief and
hope builds in you again.
Inevitably this hope disintegrates. Narcissists can’t stop trying to
control you, and they can’t seem to control their own behaviors for
any length of time. For a while, you think things are getting better.
However, when the narcissist gets comfortable in the relationship
again, he’ll go back to being self-absorbed, inconsiderate, arrogant,
insensitive, and blaming. And, of course, if things don’t go his way,
he’s instantly back to the same defensive and antagonistic patterns.
How many times you are willing to believe the narcissist’s false
promises is up to you.
Social Attacks and Gossip
It is hard to keep the end of your relationship with a narcissist
out of the public eye, because the narcissist demands that everyone
you know choose sides. As soon as possible he will tell your friends,
neighbors, church members, and club acquaintances in person and
on social media his version of the story of your breakup. That is very
distressful for most caretakers. During your entire relationship, the
narcissist insisted on extreme privacy about your interactions
together, and now he is spreading all kinds of misinformation and
slander and trying to ruin your good name. Too often caretakers
continue to keep their promises not to talk about the relationship,
which ends up letting the narcissist’s lies stand without response.
Gossip is a manipulative tactic designed to make you the bad
guy and the narcissist to gain as much sympathy as possible. It can
also work effectively to reengage you with him and bring you under
control.
Stalking
Although stalking is usually not blatant or threatening by
narcissists, it is not uncommon for narcissists to fortuitously be at the
grocery store when you are there, suddenly appear at a community
or social event you attend, or change their running schedule to go
down your street every morning. Be prepared ahead of time for
these unexpected meetings. They’re designed to keep you aware of
the narcissist’s presence and emotionally off balance.
Neediness
Narcissists appear to be strong and independent, but they are
actually extremely needy. You may find it hard to let go of taking care
of the narcissist. You may get calls to come fix her car, or he may still
expect you to keep doing the accounting for his business, or she
wants you to take down the Christmas lights on her house, or he
expects you to still make his dentist appointments. It can be
exhausting and difficult for you to say no to these persistent
requests. Too often you get pulled back into interactions with the
narcissist that really don’t benefit you.
CONCLUSION
Narcissists try to be in control of all aspects of their relationships.
They want to decide when and how to leave, and they want to make
sure that you and everyone else believes it is your fault. The reasons
that narcissists decide to leave a relationship have little or nothing to
do with you. It is likely that even the narcissist doesn’t know the real
reasons. However, when a narcissist has decided to leave, there is
very little a partner can do to stop it from happening.
When you try to leave, you face a barrage of persuasion tactics
that can be overwhelming and intimidating because the narcissist
tries to make you feel guilty and completely to blame.
The narcissist seems only to care about how others see him,
with little or no concern for anyone else’s feelings. It’s his goal to look
as good as possible and maintain control.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What blame have you taken on for the end of this relationship?
What do you think are the real reasons the narcissist left this
relationship?
How have you been trying to fix, repair, or save this
relationship? What has been the result?
How has the narcissist been trying to make you the “bad guy”?
How did the narcissist in your life leave?
Have you ever thought about or tried to leave the narcissist?
What happened?
How does the narcissist try to pull you back in to interactions
with him or her?
Chapter 5
What Just Happened?
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
—Winston Churchill
When you found out that the narcissist was leaving, you began
a process of adjusting to that information. It may help to know the
feelings that most caretakers experience in the course of being
rejected by a narcissist so that you can see that what you are
experiencing is normal.
Shock
—This Is Not the Same Person
At the beginning of the relationship the narcissist was charming,
warm, affectionate, often witty, and confident. Yes, you probably also
saw his arrogance, self-absorption, and moodiness, but those things
seemed fleeting or you thought they were something you could help
him overcome. The narcissist had probably been through a number
of relationships, which he probably described as awful, horrible, or
crazy. You thought that your love, loyalty, kindness, and sympathy
would guarantee that the narcissist would never think of you in those
terms. But in spite of all you have given, here you are being rejected
and rebuffed anyway. In addition, you may now feel that somehow
this is all your fault.
It comes as a huge shock when the narcissist turns from Dr.
Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. The moment the narcissist first switched is
significant for most caretakers. It may even have felt like an actual
electrical shock going through your body. Many people see the first
glimpse of that change occurring at a major life turning point, such as
the day of your engagement, immediately after the wedding, the birth
of your first child, when you signed the papers on an expensive
house, when you first caught him in a lie, or some other stress point
in your lives together. You brushed it off and tried to repress the
feeling, but it rose up again and again at intervals.
As time went by, the narcissist responded more and more with
anger, hostility, put-downs, defensiveness, and blame. You worked
hard to be forgiving, accepting, flexible, and accommodating. You
started protecting your awareness from this negativity by “forgetting”
or repressing the memories of these hurtful and injurious behaviors.
So even though you had seen the narcissist’s mean side many
times, you put it out of your mind, ignored it, or told yourself he was
just under stress, tired, or depressed. You made excuses, ignored
the behavior, and mostly remembered it only when it was aimed at
other people—his former wife, his boss, a clerk, or an inattentive
waitress. You didn’t like that behavior, but you felt it was your job to
forgive, forget, and move forward.
But the narcissist’s dark side doesn’t go away or magically
transform. It’s a part of his core personality. The closer you come
emotionally to the narcissist, the more you see it. You may have
been stunned and surprised by this breakup, but subconsciously you
had also been on guard and wary of that hidden part of your loved
one for a long time.
Confusion—What’s Going to Happen Now?
Relationships with narcissists are continually confusing because
they have two strongly opposing sides to their personalities—the
charming, attractive, and positive False Self and the negative,
childish, and selfish hidden self. After you were committed and the
narcissist relaxed into being himself, both of these selves started
appearing side by side, switching from moment to moment. Since
then everything has become crazy and confusing. The two parts of
the narcissist say entirely different things, want different solutions,
and respond to what you say and do in very dissimilar ways.
You may feel that it’s impossible for you to figure out what is
going to happen next. The “nice part” of the narcissist gives you
hope of reconciliation, agrees to go to therapy, sounds concerned,
and offers hope that he will change. The angry, mean persona is
curt, says hurtful things, and is dismissive and uncaring. So how do
you figure out whether you are going to stay or leave? Will you fight
to keep the relationship or walk away and give up? Every time you
take a step to reconcile, the narcissist pushes you away; however,
when you cut off communication or don’t answer his e-mails and
texts, he demands that you respond and stay engaged. Just when
you start to feel more at ease without the narcissist around, he
makes overtures to reunite or resume the relationship. It’s
completely crazy making.
Denial—It Must Be Something I Did
If you are in the early stages of the separation process, you may
still want to keep the relationship. You want to remain hopeful. You
may believe that you can still do something to save this relationship.
One way to put off “the end” is to think that you have the power to
change things. It feels comforting to think that you can fix things by
saying something different or giving in more. Much of the advice
from family, friends, and even professionals encourages you to try
harder, improve your communication, be more sympathetic,
compromise, be more loving, open up more, give in, and not be so
selfish.
I want to emphasize that as a caretaker, you’ve already done
too much of those things. You’ve probably kept this relationship
going much longer than the narcissist has ever experienced before.
In fact, that may be part of the problem for the narcissist. He has
reached the limit of his ability to tolerate this closeness, far
exceeding his comfort zone. You now see the narcissist’s faults and
shortcomings, and he knows you want him to change. Unfortunately,
the narcissist likes being a narcissist and doesn’t want to change. He
wants out of the relationship but also wants you and everyone else
to give him permission to leave and still be the “good guy.”
Remember, it’s not about you, and it’s not your fault. You cannot
fix it. Your denial of these truths will lead to more and more pain,
confusion, and heartbreak. You don’t have the power to change a
narcissist. And even if you think you have saved things up to this
point, it’s extremely unlikely the relationship will be preserved in the
long run.
Holding On—I Won’t Give Up
When the narcissist is determined to leave the relationship, no
amount of holding on will stop him. You can make demands, try
reasoning, plead, beg, cry, or get socially kindhearted professionals
on your side—minister, therapist, lawyer—but the narcissist will still
leave if he wants to. Nothing will save a relationship when one
person refuses to participate.
It is likely that the narcissist has broken every promise he has
ever made to you. Ask yourself these questions: Do you feel loved,
honored, respected, and cared for? Does the narcissist share his
intimate feelings with you? Has the narcissist been loyal? Does he
kindly and generously share possessions or money with you? Does
the narcissist share the responsibilities of maintaining the
relationship, the home, the children? Does he nurture and support
your emotional well-being and growth? Do you feel safe and
comfortable and relaxed in his presence? If these things are missing
most of the time, you might wonder what you are holding on to.
Anger—How Could He Do This to Me?
When you start feeling anger, it’s a good sign that you are
accepting the truth of what is going on. Probably you should have
gotten angry a long time ago, but your repression and denial kept
your anger in check. When you face the reality that the narcissist is
emotionally disabled, unwilling to change, and doesn’t understand or
care very much about your feelings, that should trigger your anger—
anger at the narcissist, anger at yourself, maybe even anger at God.
The narcissist has rarely appreciated what you have given in
this relationship, and you have given much, much more empathy,
time, energy, and attention to him than you have received. That has
been unfair. Your faith that things would eventually reach a balance
has not proven true. In fact, in this breakup process, the narcissist is
still going to believe that you didn’t give enough.
Hold on to this anger, but don’t expect it to be your only
sustaining emotion. Some amount of anger will help you stand up for
your rights. Use your anger to motivate you to protect and take care
of yourself in this breakup process. However, beware of ongoing,
unremitting anger, which can lead to spitefulness, vindictiveness,
and petty obsessions about specific hurts and grievances. Chronic
anger eventually leads you to a deep loss of self-esteem and
increasing victimhood.
Hurt—Pain, Agony, and Relief
You had great hopes and dreams about how this relationship
would be—many built on the promises from the narcissist. The hurt
and pain you are feeling now come from losing the good feelings and
positive elements you actually had in this relationship, but even more
from the loss of the dream that you had with the narcissist. A big part
of any relationship with a narcissist is the fantasy and vision that you
thought you shared. Unfortunately, it was just an illusion, a myth, a
mirage created by the narcissist. Yes, he totally believed in it as did
you, but the fallacy is that the narcissist just can’t deliver on those
promises. He can’t truly be your soul mate because of his inability to
be empathetic, emotionally vulnerable, and deeply committed. When
the narcissist can’t deliver, he just comes up with a new dream that
he expects you to automatically accept. When you feel hurt, angry,
or blindsided by these sudden changes in the narcissist, you are
accused of being negative or obstructionist. That loss can be painful
and baffling.
Being abandoned, wrongly accused, demeaned, and criticized is
distressing and can shatter your sense of who you are and where
your life is going. Combined with the confusing push/pull messages
from the narcissist, you can feel adrift, with no anchor or stability. It
can lead you to doubt everything that you thought was true.
Seeing your life now as yours alone can be stressful and
disturbing. However, if you’re starting to see that you have a pattern
of getting into caretaking relationships, now is a good time to
reassess your views, beliefs, and assumptions about relationships
that may have led you into this relationship with a narcissist. Do you
honestly want to keep taking care of someone else? Wouldn’t you
like to be in a relationship that truly meets your needs as well? Do
you need to learn skills to stand up for yourself? Will you ever be
able to get someone to take what you feel and want seriously?
Even though you miss the narcissist and have a lot of pain and
hurt, there is likely a part of you that also feels some sense of relief.
Years ago, I gave a narcissistic husband and a caretaking wife the
homework assignment to not talk or interact with each other until
they came back for their session the next week. When I saw them
again, the husband berated me for the horrible and stupid
assignment, but the wife said it was the best two days of peace she
had had in years. He wasn’t able to keep quiet for even an hour, but
she had kept at it for two days, ignoring him, cooking only for herself,
talking with her friends, and going about her day as she chose. He
couldn’t stand it. It gave her the insight she needed to realize how
much of her time and energy he was using up every day for his
emotional needs. Pay attention to those feelings of quiet, calm, and
reprieve. How does it feel not to have to constantly pay attention,
respond, listen, and deal with the narcissist’s ongoing, never-ending
neediness and drama?
Revenge, Self-Condemnation, Depression, and
Fear
These are what I call the dead-end feelings. They are likely to
surface as you make your way through this challenging and
confusing time. These are the feelings that will make everything
you’re going through harder and lengthier.
Seeking revenge may temporarily take your attention off of a
skewed belief that the narcissist is somehow “winning,” but it only
truly feels satisfying to people who are vindictive and bitter. By the
end of this book, I hope you can see that the narcissist never wins.
He may get things he wants or shape situations to his liking, but he
will never feel deep, abiding love and satisfaction. He will never have
that relaxed, comfortable feeling of being safely cherished and
valued without judgment by another. He will always be stuck in his
own fears, vulnerabilities, and defensiveness.
Narcissists would like their partners to dissolve into self-
condemnation and helpless shame. It helps them feel less guilty and
supports their belief that it is not their fault. However, self-blame,
shame, and self-criticism are highly detrimental to making the
changes and adaptions you need to do right now. Self-judgments
and disapproval drain your energy and demolish your courage.
However, self-awareness without reproachful judgments can bring
deep transformation in your ability to love yourself and be
encouraging and responsive to others. I will be showing you ways to
make these kinds of changes in later chapters.
Your life has been shaken to the core. Your giving in to the
narcissist and taking care of everything you thought he needed, even
your giving up your own needs and wants, did not save the
relationship. Continuing now to take care of the narcissist while this
relationship is ending can lead to your being emotionally and
financially harmed even more. Now is the time to back away, catch
your breath, and think through what you want to do next.
It’s important that you do not collapse into depression and fear.
You may have periods of feeling hopeless and helpless; however,
now is the time to learn new coping strategies and bring your focus
to your own self-care. It is a good time to turn your amazing
caretaking skills toward your own well-being.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
When was the first time you saw the dark side of the narcissist? How
did you feel in that moment? What did you think? What did you do?
What is currently confusing you about the conflicting behaviors
and responses you see from the narcissist?
How have you denied and downplayed the narcissist’s negative
behaviors?
How do you buy into the narcissist’s accusations and complaints
about you? Which ones do you believe?
How do you keep hanging on to the narcissist as she or he tries
to depart?
Identify and write out a statement about your anger at the
narcissist. Keep it handy for when he or she tries to pull you back in.
How are you secretly relieved to be away from the narcissist?
What is your secret revenge scenario?
What triggers you to feel collapsed and hopeless?
Chapter 6
Coping with the End
“Fall down seven times, rise eight times, life begins now.”
—Japanese proverb
Making it through the demise of a relationship with a narcissist
can be a harrowing experience. Everything that you believed in and
expected from the narcissist gets completely turned upside down. In
the beginning of the relationship you were on a pedestal. Now that
things don’t please the narcissist, you’re pushed off and deposed,
open to insult, slander, and denigration. You see the dark side of the
narcissist in ways you may only have glimpsed before.
NARCISSISTIC RAGE
It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist is divorcing you or you are
divorcing the narcissist; he will be angry, hostile, and even enraged
because his fantasy—delusion—of how things were supposed to be
hasn’t worked out and it’s all your fault. You didn’t follow the script;
you didn’t play your part properly; you said or did the wrong thing.
You are the cause, which makes you disloyal, untrustworthy,
treacherous, and dishonest.
Source of the Rage
Why is the narcissist so angry at you? Heinz Kohut[1] coined the
term “narcissistic rage.” He explains that it occurs because the
narcissist feels “shame at being faced with failure.” This shame,
which is hidden deeply within the narcissist, is one of the worst
feelings that narcissists experience. As a result, they feel afraid, out
of control, and victimized, which they abhor. Kohut says they have a
“need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by
whatever means”[2] They need to be the persecutor to keep from
feeling like the victim. Their rage is the result of abject fear that
others will see them as imperfect, as losers, and as defective. The
narcissist’s whole sense of self-esteem is built on being perfect, but
the end of a relationship announces to the world that the narcissist is
a failure.
Beware of Rescuing
As the narcissist wavers between being the victim and the
persecutor, it may seem that the only thing for you to do is try to be a
rescuer. Taking any one of these three typical roles—rescuer, victim,
or persecutor—keeps you under the control of the narcissist and
gives you no powerful way to protect yourself or disengage.
You have spent a great deal of time in the role of rescuer with
the narcissist, trying to smooth things over and keep the narcissist
calm and comfortable. When you were on the pedestal, you could
use your comforting and pacifying skills to good advantage. The
narcissist was willing to listen to you and calm down. Now that the
narcissist sees you as the enemy, those same behaviors may be
interpreted by the narcissist as you trying to control and take
advantage of him. Continuing to be a rescuer, placater, and
peacemaker is definitely against your best interests.
Your rescuing efforts also signal to the narcissist that you are
still willing to give in to his wants. It will not improve your interactions
with the narcissist to allow him back into the house, adjust child
visitation times and days, ignore late alimony or child maintenance
payments, or even have sex or go on vacation together after you
have separated. When you are not absolutely clear about your limits
and boundaries, you’ll have little or no leverage with the narcissist to
bring about the conclusions you want.
Narcissists use rage to get what they want and also to keep
from emotionally collapsing. Narcissists keep increasing their anger
until they feel safe again—which is likely to be quite a while after the
divorce is final.[3]
Camille found it hard to come to the conclusion that her
marriage was over. She realized that Sydney was a narcissist, but
her strong religious convictions kept her trying to help him get over
his rages. She tolerated his hurtful name-calling and put-downs.
Finally, in another argument over money he grabbed her hand and
wrenched it backward, breaking her thumb. In the emergency room,
the doctor told her that he was obliged to report the incident as
domestic abuse, and it finally became clear to Camille that she, in
fact, had been emotionally and psychologically abused for years as
well.
WHAT TO EXPECT
No Mutual Parting
A frequent hope and goal for most caretakers is to have a
mutual and friendly parting from the narcissist. It’s becoming a
cultural value and sign of a “successful” divorce to remain friends,
use mediation instead of an adversarial approach, coparent, and
continue a semifamilial relationship with your former spouse for the
benefit of the children. As a therapist, I am completely in favor of all
of these goals. However, few divorces involving a narcissist can
make these approaches work.
When narcissists are in a rage, they want payback, revenge,
and to win. It becomes the narcissist against you. They feel
threatened to the core, and the only way for them to feel safe again
is to win, and that means to them that you have to lose. Narcissists
may identify winning by how much money and property they get,
how often their choices and preferences win over yours, or how
successful they are in stealing your friends or getting your kids to like
them better. Narcissists want a competition no matter what they say.
There is almost no mutual, amicable, friendly parting. If you allow
yourself to get into this competition, you’ll experience plenty of pain,
grief, and anguish.
It’s All Mine
For the majority of narcissists, money is the only sure thing they
trust, so they want as much of it as they can get. Male narcissists
who made more money than their female partners frequently think
that all the money belongs to them in the first place. Many of them
have talked their wives out of working, but during a divorce, blame
them for not “contributing.” They expect to keep all of the assets. In
some cases, all of the assets may already be in the narcissist’s
name alone, so it can be difficult to get your reasonable share.
When your relationship appears to be ending, tread cautiously
and have a plan. For you to leave this relationship safely, you’ll need
a lot of assistance, including a lawyer who has extensive experience
with narcissists. Karyl McBride’s book Will I Ever Be Free of You?
offers excellent guidance about the legal process of getting out of a
relationship with a narcissist.[4] Having control of your assets, a place
to live, and a way to support yourself ahead of time will help a lot.
You’ll also need a strong emotional support system to sustain you,
including friends, family members, a knowledgeable therapist, and
spiritual support.
Get your own lawyer as soon as possible. If you haven’t seen
this coming, you may also need to get a forensic accountant busy to
find all of your joint assets before the narcissist hides them or
empties the accounts. If you have been handling the finances, you
may know where the money and assets are. If the narcissist handled
the money, it may be hard to find it and get what is financially fair for
you.
As soon as the narcissist acknowledges there will be a divorce,
he typically starts talking about cooperation, working together, and
coming to settlement agreement without lawyers, citing the expense
and hostility that lawyers bring to the situation. But this is usually a
ruse to divide property and assets to his advantage by dominating,
pressuring, and intimidating you into giving him what he wants.
You definitely need your own lawyer. You need someone on
your side, with your interests in mind, who will speak up for your
rights. Even trained professionals can find it intimidating to stand up
to the narcissist’s rage and manipulation, so as a caretaker who has
loved this person, you have little chance of defending yourself
adequately. In their rage, narcissists may threaten to leave you
penniless, homeless, and bankrupt, and many of them do try. Get
familiar with the laws in your state, and hire a lawyer who knows
what he or she is doing.
What About the Kids?
Narcissists parent in many different ways. However, they tend to
go to extremes—either being overly attentive or disregarding. The
narcissist who previously ignored and didn’t participate much in
parenting may suddenly become a “superparent,” especially doing
lots of fun things so the kids will still like him. He may use the
children as companions so he won’t be alone. He may put more
intense pressure on the children to perform well to prove the divorce
isn’t hurting them. Or he may decide to become their teacher, coach,
or trainer for activities that are of particular interest to him. Trying to
establish a coparenting plan that works for the children and for you
can be difficult, because the narcissist’s needs are always more
important.
Sometimes narcissists become overly focused on their children
in a divorce, and use them to expand their conflict with you so as to
increase your feelings of being devalued, frightened, or a failure.
These kinds of self-enhancing behaviors can ebb and flow
throughout your children’s childhood. Again, be careful not to get
pulled into being a rescuer, persecutor, or victim. That will only
prolong the conflict, which can have negative effects on your
children.
Fifty/fifty child custody is especially desired by narcissists—even
if they have done little or no child care previously—because it
eliminates the requirement for paying child support in most states.
It’s not uncommon, however, for the narcissist to gain fifty/fifty
custody only to, within months or years, turn most of the parenting
over to you again or to a new spouse while still paying no child
support. Narcissists typically become less and less interested in
interacting with their children when the children develop their own
interests, individuality, and opinions. The children’s increasing
independence can bring up the same behaviors from the narcissist
of idealizing and then devaluing them that happened to you in the
marriage, and can create a lot of conflict.
On the other hand, I’ve been amazed at how well kids can see
and handle the narcissist’s emotional disabilities when they have you
as a role model of strength. When you refuse to take the narcissist’s
comments personally and you set limits and boundaries and speak
up for yourself, your children will learn how to handle themselves
with the narcissist more effectively.
Of course, this does not cover all that you need and want to
know about how your kids will be affected by having a narcissistic
parent. There are many good books about this, so take time to read
them and share with your children when you feel they are old
enough.
HOW TO RESPOND
Staying out of the drama triangle of victim, persecutor, and rescuer is
essential to navigating this experience. The longer you have been
involved with a narcissist and immersed in this drama pattern, the
harder it can be. You may feel very victimized, or your anger and
resentment may trigger a strong need to persecute the narcissist, or
you may automatically go into caretaker mode without even being
aware of doing it. Keep checking on yourself to keep from falling into
any of these three roles. Throughout the rest of this book you’ll find
many strategies to keep yourself centered and out of these old roles.
When you feel strong and prepared to deal with the narcissist in new
ways, you’ll be better able to protect yourself and maintain your
equilibrium.
Defuse Your Fear
You immediately need to work on lowering your levels of fear
and anxiety. Narcissistic rage is something awful to behold and can
be terribly frightening to have aimed directly at you. The narcissist
wants you to feel threatened and anxious so you can’t think. Then
you’ll more easily give in to what he wants. Narcissists believe that
you deserve to feel bad for causing them to feel and look like a
failure. A humiliated narcissist can be quite menacing and
intimidating.
Don’t believe the narcissist’s dire and threatening predictions
about your future, but also don’t ignore his threats. Take steps
immediately to protect yourself both physically and psychologically.
Taking action can help defuse your fear. Change the locks on the
doors, open a separate bank account, close or remove your name
from all the joint credit cards, and stop making any requests for help
from the narcissist. Don’t respond to hostile e-mails or texts, and
keep copies of all verbal and written threats in a special notebook. It
would be ideal if you did these things during the first days after
separation. However, it’s been my experience that most caretakers
don’t even think to do these things for weeks or months. The sooner
you do them, the sooner you’ll start feeling more in control.
If you find yourself shaking, unable to think, unable to eat,
startling easily, and inundated with anxiety, you will need to calm
these feelings before you can do much of anything. This is the time
to remember to breathe. That may sound simplistic, but it is essential
that you consciously pay attention to your breathing. People in fear
have a tendency to stop breathing or to hyperventilate. Both of these
reactions interfere with oxygen getting to your brain, heart, and other
primary organs. Not breathing will also trigger your freeze response.
When your brain and body freeze and shut down, you can’t think,
remember things, or make rational decisions. At those times, you
may find yourself more willing to give in to the narcissist’s demands,
give up your rights, or even beg the narcissist to come back just to
ease your panic and fear. So breathing is essential for your mental
health and your physical needs.
Task
Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Put one hand
over your heart and one hand on your diaphragm. Slowly breathe in,
feeling your lower hand and then your upper hand move out as your
lungs fill with air. Then slowly breathe out, feeling your lungs deflate
and your shoulders drop. Do this to the count of four—four counts on
the in breath and four counts on the out breath. Most people find that
doing this breathing series even four or five times starts the
relaxation process. If you are in deep distress, you may need to do
this for ten to twenty minutes.
This exercise is not a waste of time. Your body may be so tense
that you can’t fully relax, but it will help clear your mind enough to
think again. It brings your cognitive functions back on line. If you find
that your body stays so tense that you find it painful to breathe and
you can’t sleep, then a relaxation or sleep medication may be helpful
for a while. Used carefully, these medications can help you keep
your panic in check. Talk with your doctor about what you are going
through and ask what is right for you.
Find Support
No one can deal alone with the kind of situation you are going
through. You need someone to listen so you can decompress, empty
out your teeming thoughts, and get back on track. You also need
validation that you’re not crazy and assurance that you can handle
this. A therapist with extensive knowledge about the narcissist and
caretaker patterns and a nonjudgmental, non-advice-giving best
friend are a minimal support team. Reading books, joining a support
group, and staying active with at least some weekly social activities
also help. Although you may find it hard to ask for help, remember
that this is a serious situation, and you need to reach out for support.
It is necessary for both your emotional and physical health.
Disengage
The best way to protect yourself from a hostile narcissist is to
disengage. Yes, the narcissist hates that, but he ‘s already in a rage
anyway and it is no longer your job to take care of his feelings. Now
is the time to think about your own emotional needs. Lawyers
consistently tell their clients to quit responding and interacting with
the narcissist and do all communicating through them until the
divorce is over, but they say their clients rarely listen to them. I want
to reinforce this recommendation. Until a final settlement is reached,
narcissists will try every means possible to keep you emotionally
distraught and off balance with what they say and do.
Disengagement is more than not talking, texting, e-mailing, or
interacting. It also includes emotionally letting go (more about this in
the next chapter). To emancipate yourself from the narcissist, you
have to quit caring what he thinks of you. You also need to let go of
any dependence on the narcissist—emotional, physical, and
financial. If you have young children, it may take years to completely
disengage. But you can begin to separate yourself emotionally when
you quit allowing the narcissist to be your judge, the person who
defines you, the person whose opinion is most important to you, and
the person who controls your emotions.
Disengagement means taking back control of your life instead of
letting the narcissist determine your feelings. Get the narcissist out of
your head as your judge and jury right now, and you’ll find you feel
significantly better, more optimistic, more creative, and happier.
Be Businesslike
As you become more disengaged from the narcissist, you can
start treating your interactions with him in a more businesslike
manner. In business, emotional responses are relegated to the
background, and people try to talk about only the specific issue at
hand. At work you try your best to be cordial, even when you don’t
like somebody. You may disagree, but there is no name-calling, rude
remarks, or hostile body language. You don’t cry, beg, or share your
intimate feelings with your work associates. Your interactions will go
better with the narcissist if you follow this same model.
The narcissist used to be your closest and most trusted
companion—the person whose responses mattered more to you
than anyone else’s. That is gone. He now sees you as the enemy.
So when you continue to expect that the narcissist will consider your
feelings or entreaties, you’ll probably be deeply disappointed, and
your requests will trigger his guilt and hostility.
Being businesslike gives you more power. Be calm and rational,
stick close to the topic, and refuse to be sidetracked. When you stay
calm, the narcissist is the only one reacting emotionally and looks
more clearly like the crazy person he is. Don’t be intimidated or
embarrassed by the narcissist’s horrible behavior. It’s all right for
information about the narcissist’s genuinely dreadful side to be
visible to others. This makes the truth about his behaviors clear. You
used to enable the narcissist by keeping those behaviors hidden, but
it will do you no good now. It may be a tremendous relief to you to
quit covering up, and it allows the rest of the world to see the
narcissist more authentically. I’m not suggesting that you gossip or
talk derogatorily about the narcissist. Simply state true facts without
covering them up. Stop apologizing for the narcissist, and quit
dismissing or explaining his rude and negative behaviors. You do not
want to bad-mouth the narcissist to friends, family, or your children.
Speak only the truth about the actual behaviors and words of the
narcissist. Overall it is best to let people see for themselves how the
narcissist acts under stress, which just requires you to stop covering
it all up.
Take Excellent Care of Yourself
When you focus on putting exercise, healthy food, and good
self-care into your daily schedule, you’ll find yourself feeling more
powerful and doing less worrying. Actively taking care of your body
automatically improves your self-esteem and prepares you to handle
challenges. Moving your body helps balance your breathing, brings
oxygen to your brain, and gets your heart pumping. These actions
help keep you from shutting down emotionally or dropping into
depression. Get a massage, sit in a hot tub, or do whatever helps
you to relax. Make your own physical well-being a priority.
I also recommend that you keep a journal of your thoughts and
feelings. It’s surprisingly calming and validating to put down on paper
your experiences and insights. It can help you sort through the
confusion and figure out what you want to do about this huge
change. It’s also a good memory trigger to help you stop “forgetting”
and diminishing those negative interactions with the narcissist.
Now is not the time to be stingy with yourself. Invest in your
health and healing. Put your time and money into services that
provide good emotional care. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it
is good sense. It will also pay off for your friends, children, and loved
ones in less worry and distress for them too.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What elements of narcissistic rage have you seen from your partner?
How are you still trying to rescue or appease the narcissist?
What hopes are you still hanging onto that this relationship will
be saved?
How likely is it that you’ll get cooperation from the narcissist in
your situation?
What are your concerns for your children in this split?
What actions are you taking to reduce your fears?
How disengaged are you from the narcissist at the present
time? What could you do to disengage further?
What new, more businesslike behaviors could you put into
practice?
What have you been covering up for the narcissist? How can
you quit covering these things up?
How well are you taking care of yourself? What else could you
do?
NOTES
1. Kohut, Heinz. “Thoughts on Narcissism and Narcissistic Rage,” in
The Search for the Self. Madison, CT: International Universities
Press, 1972.
2. Ronningstam, Elsa. Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic
Personality. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2005, pp. 86–87.
3. McBride, Karyl. Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a
High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family. New
York, NY: Atria Books, 2015.
4. Ibid.
Chapter 7
Letting Go
“Don’t look backwards; you aren’t going that way.”
—Autumn Shields, author of Living Your Life Alive
Relationships with narcissists frequently end no matter how hard
you try to save them.
The end is often painful, exhausting, and generally upsetting.
Whether your relationship ends, hangs together for months or years,
or settles into a rhythm that you can live with, you will need to learn
to let go of many of the expectations, hopes, and dreams you have
had about how you wanted it to work. Changing your perspective,
presumptions, reactions, and strategies will reduce your frustration,
emotional injuries, and general distress.
CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE
By now you understand that the narcissist’s views of the world,
relationships, and of you are distorted, and his reactions aren’t
normal. The most common reason you continually get blindsided by
the narcissist’s reactions is that you keep thinking that he’ll react
normally. It’s especially difficult to keep this in mind when the
narcissist seems to be talking and interacting more conventionally for
a period of time. You get to thinking that he is back to center and will
now be reasonable. But the narcissist’s twisted views will always
resurface, so you need to be prepared.
Narcissists Will Always Be Narcissistic
Perhaps one of the hardest things to come to terms with is
accepting that the person you loved is mentally ill. I actually prefer to
use the term “emotionally disabled,” because it more accurately
describes the situation. These emotional disabilities are always
there, although the narcissist can sometimes override them. When
his False Self is in place, he can appear quite normal, relaxed, funny,
entertaining, and charming. But don’t be fooled into thinking that
everything is all right. He will inevitably reverse again. Always keep
in mind that the narcissist is emotionally impaired, and be prepared
for him to “malfunction.”
Overcome Your Fear of Being Judgmental
Most caretakers trip themselves up, because they find it hard to
make any negative judgments about other people. Identifying
narcissistic traits in another person is not much different from
recognizing that someone has blue eyes, is tall or short, or is right or
left handed. Distinguishing personality traits in yourself and others
can be tremendously helpful for predicting what behaviors and
actions will occur in particular situations. If you’re willing to
acknowledge only positive characteristics, then you’ll be woefully
unprepared to deal with the narcissist’s negative actions.
Take away the positive and negative labels and try to see the
narcissist’s traits as simply an informational list of behaviors. It is
also helpful to acknowledge that all of us have traits that we like or
dislike, that are functional in certain situations and not in others, or
that are helpful or detrimental to ourselves or others. For instance, a
highly active person who takes charge and is innovative and creative
would be great in suddenly dangerous and unknown situations but
would probably not make a good grocery store clerk. The narcissist’s
personality characteristics work effectively to protect his immature
and fragile ego. These same behaviors, however, can be very
harmful to you and others. Not taking the entire spectrum of the
narcissist’s behaviors into consideration each and every time you
interact could be foolish and hazardous. Don’t ignore some
behaviors or traits just because you don’t want to be judgmental or
negative.
Quit Caretaking
A major part of being a caretaker in this relationship has been
the requirement to be the nice one, to give in, make things right, deal
with any problems and difficulties, and spare the narcissist any
anxiety or upset. That role has to face a major overhaul if you’re
going to regain your independence and emotional well-being. You
have to stop taking care of the narcissist and start focusing on caring
for yourself. That may be a challenge, and you may find you don’t
have many ideas about how to do that.
The first step is to quit thinking about the narcissist all the time.
Instead, pay attention to what you are feeling and what you are
wanting to do. Each time you start wondering what the narcissist
thinks or feels about this or that, turn your attention back to yourself.
This takes concentration and practice at first, but with repetition, it’ll
become easier and feel more natural. When you put more energy
and focus on your own life and needs, you’ll come up with more
creative and effective ways to care for yourself, and you’ll start
healing.
It is no longer your job to take care of the narcissist. Caretakers
often say to me that they need to keep focusing on the narcissist as
a way to protect themselves from what the narcissist might do next.
If you clearly identify and remember the narcissist’s behaviors, you’ll
be prepared enough. It’s when you forget that the narcissist will act
like a narcissist that you find yourself in trouble. When you
disengage from caretaking and put more energy into observing and
accepting the narcissist as he is, you’ll be much better protected and
less surprised.
Focus on You
Most caretakers keep obsessing about the narcissist, because it
has become a habit. Like all habits, you need to catch yourself when
you’re caretaking, stop yourself in that moment, and have a new
behavior ready to take its place. That’s a good time to tune in to your
own feelings, and consider what you want to do. Right now you may
think you feel numb or you don’t have a clue what you are feeling.
Here’s a way to tune in to your own feelings more.
Task
Draw a circle on a piece of paper, and then cut it into four
wedges. In each wedge, write a feeling you are having right this
minute. If you get stuck with only three feelings, repeat the one that
is the strongest. Don’t be surprised if all the feelings don’t seem to
go together, for example, angry, frustrated, hurt, and relieved. Think
about each feeling until you discover what event brought that feeling
to the surface (e.g., I was hurt when Jim cut me off in midsentence).
Then try to pinpoint the self-judgment, conclusion, or assumption
that triggered the feeling (e.g., I felt discounted and unimportant).
Finally, decide what you want to do about that feeling (e.g., I know
I’m important to my children and friends, and it no longer matters
what Jim thinks of me).
This exercise can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours or
days to do, depending on how easily you can identify your feelings
and what event or thought triggered them. Were you able to identify
four feelings? Did you figure out what triggered those feelings in
you? How aware of your own thoughts and self-judgments are you?
Were you able to figure out what you want to do to change what you
are experiencing? You have been trying to figure out the narcissist in
this same way. Now is the time to focus on your own feelings.
CHANGE YOUR REACTIONS
The way you have been reacting to the narcissist’s behaviors has to
be changed so you can move forward with your life. You also need to
protect yourself from further emotional damage. It’s time to stop
being controlled by the narcissist’s need to make everything about
being superior/inferior, good/bad, right/wrong, or win/lose. Those
patterns lead to anger, hurt, fear, and anxiety and ultimately have
been at the core of much of your suffering and distress.
Let Go of Winning and Losing
Winning and losing matter only in relation to someone else—in
this case, the narcissist. Does he get more money than you think is
fair? Does he get more time with the kids than you prefer? Do you
now have to work longer hours than you want? Will you have to sell
your house and move? You think you win if you get what you want
and lose if you don’t.
When you let go of trying to control outcomes, you’ll feel better
in the long run. The narcissist is all about control, getting what he
wants, looking better than you, being more successful, or having a
better life. You’ll always feel like a loser when you compete with a
narcissist. Narcissists spend every free moment trying to look good
and get what they want. Unless you’re willing to put in that same
amount of time and energy into those same things, the narcissist will
probably “win.” So the only way out of that rivalry is to step away and
quit trying to compete. You can’t lose if you’re not in the game.
Getting out of the game can be tricky. The narcissist is very
determined to keep you in the game. He can’t win if you aren’t
playing. The narcissist hides money so you get less and then spends
it on a fancy new car. He sends e-mails and photos to show you how
happy he is in his new relationship. These things are designed to
make you feel like a loser. The only way out is to let go of comparing
yourself in any way to the narcissist, and stop caring what the
narcissist says or does. To accomplish this, you’ll have to get away
from his influence on your life and create a life that is closer to what
you want for yourself.
Only You Have the Right to Judge Yourself
When you’re with a narcissist, you get used to his judging,
approving or disapproving of what you say, do, feel, and want. Now
is the time to mark the narcissist off your list of those whose opinions
matter to you. That means you quit worrying, obsessing, or even
considering what the narcissist thinks of you. It no longer matters.
His opinions are totally based on his own biased and twisted views
of the world, anyway. He has nothing to do with the reality of who
you are. It’s time to trust your own judgment.
Try also not to worry too much about what the narcissist says to
others about you. People who know and love you can tell that what
the narcissist says is off base. People who don’t know you as well
but are important—your children’s teachers, neighbors, members of
groups you belong to, or judges and mediators, for instance—need
to get a chance to see who you are. Tell them about yourself, your
values, and your activities. Don’t spend your time talking about the
narcissist. As for strangers, whom you’ll never meet anyway, ask
yourself why it matters what they think.
Stop Hiding—Tell Others What You’re Going
Through
Caretakers too often feel ashamed, at fault, and responsible for
the end of the relationship with a narcissist. You may want to hide
and not tell anyone what is happening, or you may find yourself
suddenly spewing out all sorts of horrible anecdotes and confidences
to people you hardly know. Neither of these approaches will be
beneficial.
Start sharing what is going on in your life with a close friend or
family member whom you trust. You may never have told anyone
about the odd, cruel, tactless, and insensitive behaviors of the
narcissist. You may have hidden this part of your life because you
were confused, embarrassed, or humiliated by what was going on.
People who love and care about you want to be supportive—and you
need that support—but they can’t be helpful if you don’t let them
know what you’re feeling and needing.
Think through what you want to say and to whom. You don’t
want to burden everyone with tales of woe, so it’s helpful to have
explanations that are well thought out and self-respecting. To your
nearest and dearest you can be more open and specific about your
experiences and feelings. To more casual friends it’s appropriate to
share in general terms how you are doing, for example, “I’m having a
tough day today” or “I’m feeling anxious today; would you like to go
to a movie with me to get my mind off things?” With acquaintances
you might say “Randy and I are getting a divorce. It hasn’t been
working out for a while.” Don’t feel you have to divulge information
you don’t want to, but also don’t portray the narcissist in glowing
terms or yourself negatively. Remember, too, that put-downs,
labeling, name-calling, hostility, and resentment toward the narcissist
are best saved for a neutral party, such as a therapist, who won’t be
judgmental of you and won’t use it against you when you feel more
benevolent.
Lastly, don’t use your children as sounding boards for your
feelings about your intimate relationship. You’ll be talking about their
father, mother, or grandparent. That puts children in the middle
between people they love and count on for security, identity, and
self-esteem.
Be Yourself Instead of What Others Want You to
Be
Your most familiar response around the narcissist has been to
change yourself to meet his expectations—changing your feelings,
choices, opinions, even how you dress, or the food you eat. You may
also find that some friends and family want you to respond to the
narcissist and your relationship differently than you believe will work
for you. Remember, you are the one going through this experience,
and only you can ultimately decide what is best for you to do. A good
way to be yourself is to follow your own inclinations and preferences
and make the choices that feel best for your well-being.
CHANGE YOUR STRATEGIES
Stop Showing Your Reactions to the Narcissist
Narcissists love getting a reaction from you. To them it’s a test of
their power and dominance. They know they’re pushing your buttons
when you have an emotional response. To let go, you need to stop
letting the narcissist see his effect on you. Anger, tears, hurt, shock,
retorts, or pretty much any strong response feeds the narcissist’s
need for your attention. He wants out of the relationship, but he
wants you to still be attached and emotionally involved with him.
Adopt neutral body language and facial expressions around the
narcissist. This helps you set a boundary between the narcissist and
yourself. You’re no longer going to join in the narcissist’s emotional
games and competitions. The more you practice this attitude of
neutrality, the stronger you’ll feel. It helps you to move your emotions
to the side. As long as you have these strong reactions to the
narcissist, you are still enmeshed and involved, and the narcissist
can continue to control you.
Restrict Your Contact with the Narcissist
Restricting your contact with the narcissist as much as possible
will help you let go and feel better. If you have legal matters to deal
with, let your lawyer tackle that for you. If you have children to
exchange, have the other parent pick them up from or deliver them
to school. If you have to meet face-to-face, use a neutral location if
possible to avoid either of you triggering old feelings. Don’t respond
to e-mails or texts that aren’t businesslike or don’t have a real
purpose. Ignore messages from the narcissist to talk things over, find
closure, or tell him why you don’t want to get back together. These
are setups to get you reengaged and are often ploys to get around
the legal agreements you’ve already made.
Set Real Boundaries and Limits
Because narcissists don’t recognize or honor boundaries, they
want exceptions to everything. They agree to one thing, and then
they demand the right to change it, accusing you of coercing them
into it. When they have problems and issues, they want you to fix
them. They scream hateful things at you and then call in the middle
of the night and want your sympathy.
Decide what you will and won’t put up with and stick to it. When
these boundaries are put into legal agreements, honor them exactly
—even if sometimes you would also like exceptions. To the
narcissist, any exception you make essentially nullifies the whole
agreement and signals that he now has the right to make further
exceptions. When the narcissist sees that you’ll give in on one thing,
he’ll push for you to give in on more and more.
This is not the time to be nice, flexible, helpful, understanding, or
overly considerate. The minute you start feeling sorry for the
narcissist, you’re back under his spell. Boundaries, limits, and
disengagement are all ways to effectively let go. You may also need
to set boundaries on yourself as well. For example, don’t stalk the
narcissist on social media, ask your kids how the other parent is
doing, or keep tabs on him in any way. These behaviors will only
increase your anxiety, misery, and continued attachment.
Step Away from Conflict
In the past when the narcissist has emotionally attacked, you’ve
probably responded by pushing back or collapsing in hurt. It’s time
for a new strategy. It’s time for emotional aikido. In aikido, the person
being attacked watches the attacker carefully to assess where he is
going to hit and then calmly twists around or takes a step away so
that the blow will miss. This results in the attacker missing or falling.
You can learn to do the same.
The steps to this strategy follow: Look the narcissist in the eye.
Breathe and stay calm. No matter what he says, respond with
“Really? Is that what you think/feel/believe/want? I see.” Then walk
away. Do not engage, discuss, counterattack, or make any other
responses. Simply leave. The narcissist may be astonished,
infuriated, continue talking, or whatever. It doesn’t matter. You have
just taken yourself out of the impending conflict. By refusing to
engage unless the interaction is civil, you have changed the rules of
the game. Keep it up, and you’ll find you have less and less contact
with the narcissist and more and more relief.
Protect Yourself
You definitely need to protect yourself from the narcissist’s
negativity as much as possible. (I’ll talk more about this in chapter
13.) The minute the narcissist starts belittling, attacking, or
demeaning you, extricate yourself. State the facts of who you are
and what you want if necessary and then disengage—walk away or
hang up the phone, and don’t respond further until everyone cools
down.
Don’t let the narcissist into your house. Don’t drive by his home.
Sit with friends and as far away as possible from the narcissist at
events you both have to attend. When your mind starts wandering,
wondering or worrying about what the narcissist is doing or might do,
change your attention and take your mind off of those thoughts. In
every way possible, cut the narcissist out of your thoughts and life.
CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Tune In to Yourself
This is a good time to reevaluate your life. You’ve spent your
entire relationship with the narcissist trying to understand him. Now
it’s time to look inside and figure out who you are. What parts of
yourself have you given up to please and accommodate the
narcissist? What goals or dreams did you leave behind? What
negative thoughts about yourself have you incorporated from his
opinions? What things about yourself have you kept hidden and
protected? Wake up to who you are, what you enjoy, and the feelings
and experiences that bring you joy. Much of the rest of this book will
focus on helping you heal these wounds and reconnect with yourself.
Reflect on How You Were Vulnerable to the
Narcissist
Have you thought about how and why the narcissist picked you
and you picked the narcissist? Ross Rosenberg, in his book The
Human Magnet Syndrome,[1] identifies characteristics of people who
choose continuing, long-term relationships with narcissists, much of
which we discussed in chapter 2. As you begin the process of letting
go of the narcissist and are better able to look at both of you with
less anger and criticism, you’ll be more able to reflect on the parts of
yourself that may need strengthening and adjusting.
You were chosen by the narcissist and you chose the narcissist
for reasons that were probably indiscernible to you at the time. As
these traits and tendencies become more visible, let yourself
consider what ways you need to grow to fortify yourself against
future manipulation by others. Upcoming chapters will help you with
this process. The most important element for change, however, is
learning to stop judging, criticizing, or invalidating yourself.
Reassess Your Friends
When you end a relationship with a narcissist, you may become
aware that you have other narcissistic relationships that you hadn’t
noticed before. Narcissists can be entertaining and charming, but
they make better acquaintances than real friends. Pay attention to
who is being supportive of you in this time of loss—those whose
comfort feels truly reassuring and soothing versus those who offer
advice, dire predictions, or simply launch into their own stories of
woe. You don’t have to keep a “friend” just because you have known
him or her all of your life or you used to like each other years ago.
Now is a good time to identify what qualities you find cheering, kind,
encouraging, and honest in others and seek out people with the
potential to be true, caring friends no matter what is happening. It’s
OK to let the others go.
Don’t Get Stuck in the Past
Looking back to figure out and understand the narcissist’s
disorder and disabilities can help you anticipate his actions and deal
with him more effectively. However, don’t get stuck in just analyzing
the narcissist. Use what you learn to take better care of yourself. If
your thoughts aren’t helpful to you in dealing with the present, don’t
waste your energy on it. Ruminating on the past may be easier than
figuring a new life path and learning new skills, but it drains your
power in the present.
Future Fears
What fears do you have about your future? Have you lost hope
that what you want is possible? Are you letting the narcissist’s
definition of who you are dominate and overwhelm you? Do you
have a core fear about being alone? Do you think you are incapable
of handling things on your own? Avoiding your fears only makes
them loom larger. Facing your fears helps you start defining them as
problems to be confronted and overcome. Fears are nebulous, but
seeing them as challenges and dilemmas to be solved makes them
more manageable.
Reach Out to New Opportunities
Letting go of the past helps you reach out to new opportunities
that are now opening up. The Chinese character for “crisis” is a
combination of two words—danger and opportunity. Right now you
are probably feeling immersed in the element of danger. After all, a
big part of your life, your dreams, as well as your finances, children,
and property are all in chaos and turmoil. But every crisis eventually
opens up into new prospects, new viewpoints, new people, new
possibilities, and new options. You may not have wanted or chosen
these new things to come into your life, but they now give you the
possibility to benefit, grow, advance, and open up to more of who
you are and what you want in your life. You do have choices.
Since you decided to pick up this book and have read this far, I
think it is pretty good evidence that you are motivated to move
forward. You want to heal. You see there are possibilities in your
future that could make your life more of what you want it to be. Let’s
move forward then to healing, empowering, and transforming this
situation into a life where you can thrive and flourish.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What changes in your self-image and your view of the narcissist do
you need to make?
Which of your reactions to the end of this relationship have been
unproductive or futile for you? What reactions would you like to be
having instead?
What part of your emotional relationship with the narcissist do
you find difficult to let go of?
How ready are you to face down the narcissist and walk away?
What can you do to better protect yourself from the narcissist’s
attacks and criticisms?
How can you better tune in to yourself and better tune out the
narcissist?
How much time do you spend reviewing the past? How can you
bring yourself into the present more?
What fears are keeping you from letting go of the narcissist?
What else are you hanging onto that is keeping you from moving
forward?
NOTES
1. Rosenberg, Ross. The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love
People Who Hurt Us. Eau Claire, WI: Premier Publishing & Media,
2013.
III
Healing After the Crash
Chapter 8
Grieving
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your
understanding.”
—Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet
Pain, anger, and grief are all bound up together. Anger keeps
the pain of grief and loss at bay until we are strong enough to bear it.
Grief expresses our deepest pain so it can come out and be healed.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says that we go through five stages of grief
when we experience a great loss: denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.[1] In actuality we circle through these
feelings round and round as we heal and slowly come to terms with
the truth that our lives are changed forever. Owning and expressing
your grief allows you to be aware when you are hurting, angry, and in
denial. There is much you can do to heal these feelings as they
emerge. It’s also helpful to be aware of when you are bargaining with
yourself and trying to go back to how things were, which leads you
back into the pain. As you lose hope, it can be good to know that
your feeling of depression is actually an opening to the possibility of
acceptance.
In our very fast, hurry-up-and-get-over-it culture, there is an
assumption that grief should last a couple of months and be over.
However, it is important to keep in mind that you’re mourning many
losses when your relationship ends with a narcissist. You’ve lost a
spouse/lover/partner. You’ve lost the dream of what you believed
your life would be like with that person. Your self-esteem has been
damaged as a result of the blaming and devaluation by the
narcissist. You’ve probably lost property, money, and financial
stability. Your confidence and sense of worth have been shredded.
You may have lost half of the time you used to spend with your
children. You’ve lost your relationship goals. And in addition, the
narcissist is probably still hanging around threatening to make your
life miserable.
DEALING WITH DENIAL
When you’ve been a caretaker for so long, it’s often hard to admit to
yourself and others the full extent of the harm you’ve suffered in your
relationship with the narcissist. You’re more comfortable paying
attention to the narcissist’s pain or the effort and promises he is
making. You want to keep hoping that if the narcissist just gets help,
things will turn around. Exploring your own pain, counting up all that
you have lost, and really admitting that you have been abandoned
can seem embarrassing and too painful. Your tendency to take all
the blame for the failure of the relationship onto yourself may make it
harder for you to acknowledge the deep injuries you have sustained.
Acknowledge the Harm That Was Done
You’re not to blame for the way the narcissist treated you.
Narcissists work hard to keep you off balance and vulnerable. Your
goodwill, generosity, and flexibility were taken advantage of. Try
looking at the harm that you experienced without judging yourself. It
may be difficult for you to stop taking responsibility for how the
narcissist treated you, but it’s vitally important that you separate his
behavior from yours. You did not make the narcissist treat you badly.
The narcissist chose to treat you that way to avoid feeling bad
himself.
Task
Take some time right now to make a list of the harm you believe
the narcissist did to you in this relationship. I’m not asking you to
dwell on the negative, but it needs to be identified and acknowledged
so you can repair those wounds. If you push those things into your
subconscious, they can fester and turn to bitterness, fear, anxiety,
and self-hatred.
When Anne did this exercise, she was shocked by how long her
list was and how many excuses automatically came to mind to
“explain” why each one was her fault. Her list included the following:
He screamed at me about the dinner—because I burned the
potatoes. He was angry and refused to talk to me for two days—
because I bought him the wrong tool set for Christmas. He took my
car keys away—because I told him I wanted to leave.
Each of these “because” reasons was created to excuse the
narcissist’s horrible and hurtful behaviors, which were often, in fact,
emotional abuse and coercion. Keep in mind that no one should
have the right to treat you in these ways. Narcissists act the way
they do because they are narcissistic, not because of anything
you’ve done.
Experience the Feelings
When you acknowledge the harm you experienced, it brings up
unpleasant and sometimes overwhelming feelings. While you were
in the relationship with the narcissist, you felt you needed to avoid
these feelings in order to keep going. Instead, you continually
focused on the narcissist’s feelings and worked to keep things
positive, upbeat, and enjoyable for him—and for yourself. During the
time that all of those upsetting experiences were happening, it’s
likely you tried very hard to ignore how hurt you were. That denial of
your feelings kept you in the relationship, perhaps longer than was
good for you. It also kept you from really seeing, feeling, and being
aware of the reality of your abusive situation.
Task
Take some time now to acknowledge your own feelings of hurt,
pain, distress, frustration, loss, emotional injury, and whatever else
comes up for you. List your feelings as accurately and specifically as
possible. In the next chapter we’ll use that list for an exercise of
healing and repair. For now, just observe and allow those feelings to
be present. Honor each one for helping you understand and become
more fully aware of what you’ve been through. This can facilitate
your learning to appreciate your strength, loyalty, determination, and
stamina. You stayed, you worked hard, and you devoted yourself to
trying to heal and repair this relationship as long as you possibly
could. You need to respect those strengths inside yourself and your
courage to give so fully and unselfishly to another person.
OPENING TO ANGER
Anger Is Normal
Of course you’re angry. Caretakers are more willing to feel hurt
and sadness than they are anger. Anger is extremely important in
the healing process. It’s a natural response to being harmed, to
having your boundaries trampled, and to being controlled and used
by others for their own purposes. Your needs, wants, preferences,
feelings, opinions, and choices were ignored and invalidated by the
narcissist, while he discounted and stomped on your identity and
self-esteem. You should be angry.
Task
If you have a hard time accessing your anger, imagine yourself
when you were three or four years old. Find a picture of yourself at
that age and look at that sweet, open, innocent face. You are the
protector of that child who still exists inside of you. Now think of
things the narcissist said and did that hurt you, and imagine the
narcissist saying and doing these things to the child in that picture.
Are you feeling some anger coming to the surface? Do you feel a
need to protect that dear part of yourself? Let that anger feeling grow
until you can feel it clearly. Give it words. Write down what your
anger has to say about what happened.
Afterward, notice how the anger felt in your body. What words
came up? How do you feel about that little child self? What do you
want to do in the future to protect that vulnerable part of yourself?
Anger Is Motivating
Anger is an energizing emotion. It pushes you to action. It
motivates you to protect yourself and empowers you to move
yourself away from harm. Anger is nothing to be ashamed of. In your
relationship with the narcissist, you were exposed to his misplaced
and manipulative anger. That is not the kind of anger I’m talking
about here. You need to be in touch with your righteous anger.
Righteous anger is a natural response to the threat of annihilation—
which is exactly your situation.
Narcissists systematically try to merge you into a reflection of
themselves. You were supposed to think alike, feel alike, behave
alike. Your sense of self, your whole identity, was methodically being
eliminated. Anger is the appropriate and necessary response in this
situation. It’s there to safeguard your individuality, personality, and
self-esteem. By denying your anger in this relationship, you left your
self-worth open to damage. Now is the time to bring back anger into
the picture to push you toward taking better care of yourself.
BARGAINING, DELAYING, BUYING TIME
When you become aware of how you have been mistreated and
victimized, bringing your anger and hurt to the surface, it’s easy to
want to push these thoughts and feelings away and just go back to
how things were. After all, there were also many good things about
your relationship; it certainly wasn’t all bad. In fact, you may still feel
some love and caring for the narcissist. Those feelings don’t just
evaporate instantaneously. There is much that you miss because
there were also enjoyable, maybe even wonderful, times. You may
be feeling guilty that perhaps you didn’t do all you could to make the
relationship work. This is bargaining.
It’s hard to absorb this huge change in your life all at once. You
need time to evaluate, understand, look back to see things from a
new perspective. Narcissists encourage self-doubt. Your mind gets
full of “maybe . . . what if . . . if only.” Bargaining is the way we buy
time to think things through and to test whether there is any option
possible other than total relationship collapse.
This bargaining time also allows you to gain strength, learn new
skills, think through your options, get others’ opinions, build support,
and in general prepare yourself to face this new reality. It is common
to circulate through the feelings of denial, anger, and bargaining over
and over as you get accustomed to your new life situation. Gradually
the pieces put themselves together. As you consider the narcissist’s
behaviors from these new perspectives, your direction becomes
increasingly clear.
DEPRESSION
Take Time to Grieve
Grieving is deeply uncomfortable and makes it difficult for you to
want to participate in the good times that other people seem to be
having. Grief is hard to do alone and yet uncomfortable to feel or
express in normal social settings. You feel like a wet blanket. And
you’re right; many people do avoid being around others who are
depressed. In addition, you can’t force yourself to get through your
grief quicker. Therefore, much of your grieving means being alone
and often ruminating, sifting through memories, working through your
hurt and anger, and probably too much self-criticism. All of this can
be deeply painful.
Task
I recommend to my clients that they set aside a particular time
once a day or every few days to focus intently on their hurt, anger,
and worries about the ending of this relationship and relegate it to
the background at other times. This can help you feel more in control
and helps your mind attend to other things in between times.
Set aside a specified amount of time, perhaps fifteen or twenty
minutes. Bring your full attention to your experiences, concerns,
losses, and feelings. Think about just those things during this time.
Identify one specific feeling or exerpience of loss and write about it in
a journal or simply think about it deeply. Here are some questions for
direction:
What specifically have I lost?
Why is this difficult for me?
What emotional costs am I feeling as this relationship
ends?
What are the physical and financial costs for me? What can
I do about these?
What are all the feelings I’m having about this loss? (List as
many as possible, and remember they may not all be negative.)
What changes do I now have to face? Who can help me
with these changes?
What strengths do I have to deal with this situation?
What do I need to learn about myself in order to feel better?
How do I think I will feel about this loss by next year? In two
years? In five years?
What do I hope to be able to say to myself when I’m over
this loss?
These questions help you turn your losses from vague,
ambiguous, and overwhelming misery into concrete problems that
can be approached one step at a time. This approach brings your
intellect into the process to help soothe and reassure your emotional
distress.
Despair
Depression is what some have called “the dark night of the
soul.”[2] In despair, you feel that you have lost everything, and you
have no idea how you’re going to cope with all the changes and
decisions you’re facing. You believe you don’t know how to go
forward, don’t have the strength to continue, and have no direction.
You may feel hopeless and helpless. You may be tempted to rage
and storm or collapse and give up.
Despair is an incredibly disturbing experience. Yet it is
something everyone has or will encounter. It can also be a deeply
enlightening time of epiphany. When we feel at our lowest, we face
the inevitable opportunity to get through it anyway. It’s the basis of
the motto for Alcoholics Anonymous—“one day at a time.” You get
through this moment, this hour, this day, this week, this month. Each
day you find new strengths, perspectives, and possibilities. And most
of us hate every minute of it.
Amazingly, despair is a healing experience. It solidifies that the
past is melting away. It demands that you try something new—a new
thought, a new awareness, a new answer. It leads you into final
acceptance and ushers in the solutions you need.
Robbie tells of the time after her divorce when she had no job—
she had formerly worked for her husband’s company—had little
money, and was sleeping at a friend’s house on the couch. The only
thing that helped her get through the days was working on her art.
She found that it soothed her spirit and helped her feel she had
some ability to do something beautiful. As she talked to other women
who were going through losses, she shared how her collage artwork
was helping her feel better. Within a year, Robbie had posted six
videos about her work on the Internet and had the strong beginnings
of a following of people searching to heal their grief through her art
workshops.
Reach Out—Get Support
Grieving can be extremely lonely, and most of your friends and
family become tired and ready to move on well before you have
reached the end of your heartache. If you haven’t done so before,
now is the time to reach out for expert and specialized support—a
therapist, a divorce recovery group, or a spiritual adviser. Although it
can be difficult to ask for help, remind yourself that getting out of a
narcissistic relationship is a more than average traumatic
experience. It’s hard for anyone to get through it without the extra
encouragement, assistance, and real understanding from people
who are trained to recognize and treat the mystifying emotional
disability of narcissism.
This is also a good time to look deeply at the skills and tools you
may need to overcome your tendency to be a caretaker. What keeps
you so hyperaware of another person’s pain and so inattentive and
unresponsive to your own? Why are you willing to suffer and yet you
can’t stand it when others feel even the smallest disappointment? Do
you have only a few or a great many caretaking behaviors? This is a
good time to learn how to better balance your needs with those of
the ones you love.
Be Patient
Remember that grieving takes time. The time it takes you to get
through this can’t be compared to anyone else’s. Be kind to yourself
in this process. Treat yourself lovingly and with compassion. Put
aside your self-criticisms and think about how you would treat a dear
friend going through this same kind of loss. What would you say to
her or him? Say those things to yourself over and over until you truly
feel nurtured and cared for.
ACCEPTANCE
Being Present
Thinking through the experiences you’ve been through with the
narcissist can be helpful to understand the strange and crazy-making
interactions. However, hard as it may seem to pull yourself away
from the past, your life is lived in only the present. And, yes, the
present can seem too scary to face. You thought you had everything
planned and knew the direction you were going in life. Now
everything is in a jumble, and your plans have disintegrated. It takes
time to recover, get back on your feet, and formulate a new life plan.
You can do nothing about the past; it can’t be changed because,
try as you may, you can’t bring the past into the present. You now
know the narcissist is a person split into contradictory and divergent
parts. You don’t get to choose to have only the good characteristics.
You don’t get to choose how the narcissist will act, feel, or respond.
Your only choice is how you decide to deal with the narcissist in the
here and now, in this moment.
Being in the moment can give you a lot of clarity. You can be
more observant and tuned in to the actual options you have
available. You can adjust to what you’re feeling more easily. You can
evaluate your choices more effectively. Your life is about you, right
now and right here. You can create a life that fits more comfortably
with who you are now.
Accepting What Is
Acceptance occurs when you see clearly that there really is no
going back to what was. No matter what you or the narcissist do
from here on, things won’t be the same. Acceptance can bring with it
a feeling of depression at first because you’re finally and fully feeling
your loss. However, acceptance gives you the insight to move
forward and create better results. It also brings a sense of freedom
and relief when you aren’t stuck in those unproductive
persecutor/victim/rescuer behaviors with the narcissist any longer.
You can be more open and honest about what you think, feel, and
want to do. You now know that you are no longer responsible for
anything the narcissist does. You now have options that weren’t
there before.
DON’T BUILD YOUR LIFE AROUND GRIEF
Facing the truth about this relationship can release your energy and
attention to use on rebuilding your own life and sense of self-worth.
However, you can get mired down in one or more of these grief and
loss feelings for months or years if you don’t remain aware of your
goal—creating a new and better life for yourself.
Don’t Get Stuck
Too much anger can turn into resentment, bitterness, or
revenge. Or you might get locked into bargaining—especially if you
are afraid of change, continue to believe you’re responsible for the
narcissist’s feelings and actions, or expect yourself to continue
keeping promises that the narcissist has broken or rejected. If you
can’t tap into your inner strength, competence, and self-worth, you
may collapse into overwhelm and defeat. Keep aware of which
feelings you are working to heal, and notice whether you are getting
stuck in any of them. Get support and help if you don’t seem to be
moving forward.
Repression
Pretending that everything is OK, denying that you need help or
support, condemning your vulnerability, or not allowing yourself to
truly mourn your emotional injuries can all delay the healing of your
grief and pain. They can fester and burst out in anger, fear, anxiety,
or long-term depression. Then when another loss comes along in
your life, the unresolved grief of this loss can increase your
emotional reaction to that event. Working through your grief now can
give you the strength, stamina, and confidence to handle other
difficult situations in the future.
Overwhelming Shame and Guilt
Belittling yourself, criticizing and disparaging your reactions, and
judging and finding fault with yourself as you grieve will create
feelings of shame and guilt. Shame is especially debilitating and
restricts your healing process because it essentially defines your
sense of self as bad, worthless, and undeserving. The narcissist
used blame and accusation to transfer his own feelings of shame
onto you. Don’t take on this projection from the narcissist. You are
not guilty of making the narcissist say, feel, or do—anything.
FIND NEW MEANING FOR YOUR EXPERIENCES
New Understanding
The ending of any relationship can bring new understanding
about yourself and the other person. The loss of your love, hopes,
and dreams has been incredibly disappointing and discouraging.
Being able to see and understand the facts of what was going on in
the relationship can be a relief. When you see these patterns, you
have a better chance of identifying and avoiding this kind of
relationship in the future. As you recover, you’ll discover that the grief
work you have done helps you feel more grounded, sane, and
resilient.
See Your Inner Strength
As your grief resolves, you’ll find that you have a new
awareness of your inner strength. You faced situations you never
thought you could. You learned new skills and responses that have
given you a greater sense of confidence. You’re more perceptive and
savvy. You’re less often surprised and more prepared to handle
difficulties that arise. You’re more in tune with your values,
preferences, opinions, feelings, and rights. These may be strengths
that you didn’t know you had before this loss.
Increased Humbleness
You’ve also learned that you can be deeply hurt, you can’t heal
the narcissist, and you can’t do everything on your own. You’re
imperfect, you’re not invincible, and you need help from others.
You’re vulnerable, and yet the earth didn’t disintegrate. You found
out you could actually handle more than you thought. You now know
concretely how many people love you. Your life is continuing on and
—surprisingly—even getting better. Remember that a crisis includes
danger—and this has truly been a dangerous passage. It also
includes opportunity. As you emerge from your grief, you’ll see your
abilities in a new light.
Knowing your frailties and limitations and going past them builds
confidence. As you solve one challenging problem at a time, you
gain appreciation for the fact that life is difficult but can be managed.
You’ve become seasoned, experienced, less naïve, more discerning,
and compassionate toward yourself and the struggles of others.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
Which feelings of grief are you experiencing presently? Which
feelings are most challenging?
Who have you reached out to for help? Who else could you
reach out to?
If you are feeling stuck, what do you think you need to help you
move on?
What will indicate to you that you have reached acceptance?
What emotions are you becoming more comfortable with?
What have you learned about yourself in this process of grief?
What do you think you still need to learn?
What new meanings and sense of yourself are you noticing?
What strengths are you developing?
NOTES
1. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth, and David Kessler. On Grief and Grieving:
Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New
York, NY: Scribner, Reprint Edition, 2014.
2. Moore, Thomas. The Dark Night of the Soul: A Guide to Finding
Your Way Through Life’s Ordeals. New York, NY: Penguin Group,
2004.
Chapter 9
Healing Self-Esteem
“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to
yourself, to who you are, here and now, and when you get there,
you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even
in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
—Masaru Emoto
Your thoughts and judgments about yourself and your situation,
along with the resources you have available, are actually more
important than the event itself. This chapter shows you how to repair
the way you look at yourself and your situation, restore your
confidence in yourself, and regain well-being, strength, and
motivation.
HEALING YOUR DAMAGED SELF
You Are Not the Cause
You thought the narcissist was going to make your life
wonderful, and now you have found out it was just the opposite. You
can probably still remember the good times, when you felt everything
going just right and you were the sole focus of the narcissist’s
attention. That was a heady feeling—even addictive. But the
narcissist has two sides, and now you are facing the other side. You
always get both.
You did not cause the narcissist to idealize you, nor did you
cause the narcissist’s current hostility, blame, and rejection. Those
behaviors are entirely under the control of the narcissist, not you.
Stop, right now, taking any responsibility for the narcissist’s actions.
Begin paying attention to your own behaviors and focus on making
choices about what you need and want to do to make your life better.
Taking action helps you move out of the feeling of being a victim.
You Don’t Have to Be a Victim
Even though you have been victimized by the narcissist, you
don’t have to feel or act like a victim. If you change the label of victim
to the word disappointed, it’s amazing how much this changes how
you think about your current situation. When you identify yourself as
a victim, you end up feeling hopeless and helpless. You tend to
focus on only your pain, discounting your strengths and overlooking
the people who love and care about you. You feel like giving up. You
feel singled out and somehow a failure.
When you identify your feelings as disappointment, it helps you
define your situation in a way that you know you can handle. After
all, who hasn’t been disappointed? You’ve coped with
disappointments before and gotten over them. This may be a much
bigger disappointment, but really, you are just having to make
changes that you don’t like and that don’t fit with what you thought
would happen. That is disappointment. Here are some examples:
Failure Disappointment
I’m a failure at
relationships.
This relationship didn’t work out the way I expected.
No one will ever love
me again.
I’m sad that John doesn’t love me, but I know my friends
and family love me.
Here I am alone
again. What a failure.
It’s a real setback that the relationship I counted on is
over. I really didn’t want this to happen.
It is hard to rebuild your life when you see yourself as a failure. It
leaves you with no hope. On the other hand, seeing this experience
as a disappointment, inspires you to think of the bigger picture of
your life. You can see yourself more as a whole, and your
experiences are just a part of that whole. It’s easier when you
remember that there are other people who love you, care about you,
and support you. You have skills, traits, and abilities that you can use
to restore your life. Seeing this event as an unwanted change, rather
than as a disaster, can spur your creativity and problem-solving
abilities to jump in and start responding.
Give Yourself Compassion
You’re not a bad person, nor are you stupid or wrong because
this relationship has ended. Nearly 50 percent of all marriages in the
United States end in divorce. Surely you wouldn’t label every one of
those people as negatively as you’re labeling yourself.
You’ll improve your self-esteem immeasurably by being more
compassionate toward yourself. Talk with yourself the way you would
to your dearest friend if she or he were going through this same
experience. What would you say to ease the pain? What words of
encouragement would you give? You wouldn’t be threatening,
accusing, blaming, or self-righteous. Stop all these forms of self-
judgment. Negative self-attacks are leftover repeats of what the
narcissist has said to you. Letting go of the narcissist includes letting
go of his invalidations and consciously choosing to treat yourself in a
more loving and considerate manner.
Soothe Your Body
Underlying your grief are body sensations and raw emotions
that actually cause pain, fatigue, low energy, and apathy. When you
go through a wrenching experience, your body can become achy,
tense, and jumpy, making it difficult to eat, sleep restfully, or recover
from feeling continually exhausted. If you don’t take care of your
body’s responses to all these stresses, it can become vulnerable to
migraines, intestinal upsets, backaches, and even more serious
ailments, such as autoimmune responses and depression.
Don’t overlook good physical care. Identify your favorite, healthy
foods and make sure you always have them on hand. If you’re
feeling angry, hard, crunchy foods can help you feel better. If you are
hurting or feeling low, soft, smooth foods can be comforting.
Consciously consider the foods you are eating and choose ones that
make you feel good. Linda lived on shrimp for a month after her
divorce. Henry chewed through two pounds of carrots and said it
honestly helped relieve his anger. Be aware of high sugar foods,
though, as they can lead to mood swings, which make you feel
worse by throwing your body’s insulin levels into chaos.
Get adequate sleep. Keep regular sleep times and have a
soothing routine before bed. Even try rearranging your bedroom or
get rid of the bed you shared with the narcissist if old memories keep
you awake. Listen to quiet music, read, or journal. Don’t spend time
right before bed doing anything that will bring up thoughts of anger
about the narcissist or fears about your future.
Spend time on regular relaxing routines for your body—get a
massage, spend time in a hot tub or sauna, take a hatha yoga class,
take time to stretch your muscles several times a day. Anger, fear,
and sadness all tend to trigger muscles to tense. When you are
tense, your blood flow is compromised, and you’ll have trouble
thinking and will tire more easily.
Exercise is one of the cheapest and most effective ways to deal
with depression, anxiety, and worry. Any time your body is moving,
stretching, and active, you’ll feel more capable, hopeful, confident,
and less pessimistic. Find a form of exercise you particularly like.
Going to a class or having someone to exercise with can help
motivate you to keep at it. You need your body and mind to function
as well as possible as you face these changes and make decisions
about what to do next in your life. Unfortunately, when you feel the
worst, it can be the hardest time to treat yourself with kindness and
compassion. You may think you’re too tired to exercise, but take it
slowly and move your body any way you can—even just a walk
around the block. As you feel better physically, you’ll also feel better
mentally and emotionally. When you take good care of your body,
your brain registers that you are worthy, valuable, and important.
This is a good start to enhancing your self-esteem.
Reach Out to Others
A big part of self-esteem is based on the way friends and loved
ones act toward you. How they treat you, describe you, and interact
with you can have a great effect on how you feel about yourself.
Because you have just come out of a relationship that was
extensively based on the narcissist’s warped and hostile view of you,
it’s essential that you get feedback about who you are from more
emotionally healthy people.
Task
Think about which of your friends, family, and acquaintances are
the most objective, realistic, and overall kind, and reach out to them.
Spend time with them. Notice how they treat you and how you feel
around them. If you’ve got the courage, ask some of them for
feedback about how they see you. Have them write down the
qualities and traits that they see in you. You could also ask for a list
of your strengths and even a list of the things you need to develop,
correct, or learn to handle better. Oftentimes, the people who love
and care about you are just waiting for a sign from you that you’d be
receptive to their assistance and support.
You may think you don’t need a support group, that what you
are going through is private and you can or should be able to do it on
your own. However, we humans need each other for support and
emotional tending when we go through difficult and painful
experiences. Exclusion, shunning, and solitary confinement are the
most powerful punishments there are for humans. You’ve been too
isolated. To heal, you need to be around people. Being socially
connected to other people builds up your self-esteem. When you’re
around people who accept and appreciate you, your healing will
move along more quickly.
Self-Encouragement
The narcissist continually spent time telling you what you didn’t
do right, and it’s likely that those messages are still playing in your
mind. It takes conscious effort and attention to change these
messages. You can’t just push them away. You have to actively
dislodge them with positive encouragement and reassurance. It
always feels good when others are the ones giving you that
encouragement, but someone can’t always be by your side. You’re
the only person who is always there, so you’re the best one to take
on the role of encourager.
When you’re afraid, discouraged, and feeling alone, it can be
difficult to face all of the changes and losses you’re experiencing.
The next step is to figure out what feelings you would like to have
instead and then develop the strength to realize them. That strength
is fostered primarily by your own self-encouragement and advocacy.
What you say to yourself is vitally important. You may not have been
paying much attention to your own inner monologue, so start noticing
now how you talk to yourself.
Do you talk to yourself as you, for example, “you should, you
can’t, you are”? This will create a sense of discouragement. It feels
like someone outside of yourself passing judgment or controlling
you. By making two small changes, you can start increasing your
self-esteem and courage. Change “you” to “I” and make the action
positive instead of negative. Start saying “I want, I can, I am.” Here
are some examples:
Discouraging Encouraging
You have to make the bed. I want to enjoy a clean house so I’m going to
make the bed.
You should make that call
to Ted.
I want to get this call over with so I can relax.
You can’t get all of this
done.
I can take one thing at a time.
You know you are likely to
fail.
I can give this a try.
You are so stupid. I am capable of doing what I need to do.
You are a loser. I’m kind and considerate.
Changing what you say to yourself and how you treat yourself is
the quickest way to grow your self-esteem.
Give Yourself Time
Healing a damaged self-esteem takes time and effort. The
longer you were in the relationship with the narcissist, the longer it
may take. Emotional and psychological change isn’t a quick fix. Just
like building muscle strength, it takes practice to change these old
habits and internal messages. Think about building your inner self-
encourager the same way you see going to the gym to build your
body. Get into a routine. With consistent effort and attention, the
results will be well worth the effort.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What feels different when you say “I’m a victim” versus saying “I’m
disappointed”?
How do you give yourself compassion? Who else is
compassionate toward you?
How are you nurturing and healing your body? What else could
you do that would be healing?
What challenges do you face when reaching out to others?
What are your most comforting self-encouragement statements?
Talk to yourself from “I” rather than “you.” What do you notice?
Practice making a positive statement to yourself instead of a
negative one. How does that feel?
Chapter 10
Rebuilding Self-Confidence
“Spending too much time focused on others’ strengths leaves us
feeling weak. Focusing on our own strengths is what, in fact,
makes us strong.”
—Simon Sinek, author of Start with Why
Self-confidence helps you have the strength and courage to
tackle all the changes you are now facing in your life. When you’re
fearful and unsure of yourself, it’s much more difficult to make the
strong, positive decisions you need to make.
Self-confidence is rebuilt by changing your actions and attitudes.
Having new, positive experiences helps neutralize old, bad
experiences. It helps to identify your strengths, go back to doing
things you love, and have an enthusiastic support team. You’ll
probably need to learn some new skills as well. As you take well-
thought-out risks and are successful, you’ll become more self-
assured. However, taking risks requires that you have a positive and
hopeful attitude to motivate you.
Call On Your Inner Strengths
Healing your self-esteem and rebuilding your emotional strength
creates the self-confidence you need to take the risks to move
ahead. To do that, you need to tune in again to the abilities you
already have. Here’s an exercise that will help.
Task
Make a list of your strengths and talents. Recall your childhood
and adolescence and remember things you learned to do then; add
them to the list. Include interpersonal abilities, such as being a good
friend, loyalty, caring, and helpfulness, as well as concrete skills,
such as good cook, handles finances well, good organizer. These
don’t have to be things you are excellent or perfect at doing—just
things you are capable of doing. Now, make a list of things you’ve
liked and enjoyed doing over your lifetime. Again, these don’t have to
be things you are good at. Notice where the two lists overlap. These
are your strengths.
Add to these lists whenever you notice new interests and
abilities. Acknowledging these strengths will help you be more
courageous, capable, and able to handle difficult situations. Keep it
posted somewhere as a continual reminder of who you are and what
you have to offer to others, to your friends and family, and to the
world. It may be easier to see your faults or failings, but focusing on
those right now won’t help you make headway in your healing. Keep
your attention on the positives, and your confidence will grow.
Marie’s list of strengths included makes friends easily, caring
and helpful, former hairdresser, and good at sales. Her list of the
things she liked included helping others, loves dogs, enjoys talking
with people, and likes to be busy. There were other things on her list,
but these were the items that came together for her when she was
trying to figure out what to do with her life. She had just gotten
divorced, and after being out of the workforce for over a decade
raising her kids, she needed to find a job. She spent several months
feeling depressed and lost. She didn’t want to go back to being a
beautician—too many hassles working with people who were touchy
about how they looked. After making her list, Marie realized that her
love of dogs and enjoyment of cutting hair could cross paths. She
went to dog grooming school and is now delighted with her new job
working with dogs and talking with their owners in a small dog
grooming salon just down the block from her own home.
Give Yourself Credit
It also helps your self-confidence to tell others about your
successes and what feels good about your accomplishments. This
gives you the opportunity to receive encouragement and support.
Reciting the incident and how you handled it also helps you anchor it
in your memory. Instead of mulling over past upsetting events with
the narcissist, take time to deliberate on your successes, your
courage, and your perseverance. Keeping track of your past and
present accomplishments helps you feel braver and stronger and
gives you more self-assurance for the next new encounter.
People who have caretaker tendencies often find it
uncomfortable to share their successes with others, despite the
benefits, because they believe they’re bragging or begging for
attention, just like the narcissist. However, the narcissist never feels
shy about sharing his successes—so this is quite different. You
deserve to get credit and support from others, and it helps balance
all the support, encouragement, and optimism you give to them.
Give Yourself Encouragement
Your attitude, thoughts, and self-talk have a significant influence
on your self-confidence. Remember, the Little Engine That Could
kept saying to himself “I think I can. I think I can.” There are a
multitude of tasks and decisions facing you as this relationship ends.
You can face them with fear, anxiety, and the belief that your life is
collapsing and unrepairable, or you can identify what needs to be
done, ask for help, and take each problem one at a time. When you
encourage yourself, you’ll be less afraid. Remind yourself that
hundreds of thousands of people dissolve relationships every year;
you are not alone. You can get assistance, and you will get through
this experience. Even if you can take only one step each day, you’re
still advancing.
Collect a Group of Supporters
Feeling support from others may be something you haven’t
experienced in a while. You’re good at supporting others, but you
may not feel comfortable asking for support or trusting others to give
it. The narcissist said he was being supportive, but it felt like—and
was—stressful, tiring, and hurtful, so you may have forgotten what
support feels like.
Choosing healthy, generous friends for emotional support in
your day-to-day life is entirely different than relying on a narcissist.
Good friends can provide wonderful reassurance even when all
you’re doing is going out to lunch or playing a game of tennis. It’s
hard to be self-confident all by yourself. Having a group of caring and
compassionate people in your life is encouraging and energizing.
Joining a support group where you can hear about and share
experiences can also be validating and reassuring. Pick a group led
by a professional who understands narcissists and can provide you
with ideas about how to rebuild and strengthen your sense of self.
Yes, you may be facing this situation alone, but knowing there
are people rooting for you and believing in you can add
tremendously to your self-assurance.
Learn the Art of Reciprocity
The narcissist overvalued what he gave and undervalued what
you gave. Your response was to keep giving and giving. As a result,
your ability to tell whether there is a fair give-and-take is probably
faulty. You may need to learn how to tell when things are mutually
beneficial so you can wean yourself away from your old habits of
excessive giving. One way to do that is to start keeping track of what
you’re giving and receiving, even though you may feel uncomfortable
and selfish doing it at first. Here’s an exercise to help you recalibrate
your inner reciprocity calculator. With practice, it’ll become more
automatic. It’s actually pretty simple.
Task
Start by giving time or attention to someone, and then wait until
he or she gives you something of similar value before you give
again. You’re taking nothing away from the other person; you just
aren’t giving too much to start with. Keep track of what you receive
from the other person, and really consider its value to you.
This exercise has two benefits. First, you pay closer attention
and acknowledge what you have received, which usually feels very
good. Second, you stay constantly in tune with your feelings about
the relationship. Therefore, you know very quickly when or if the
relationship starts feeling unbalanced. Instead of giving too much
and then feeling hurt, anger, and resentment, the imbalance can be
addressed swiftly—and usually more easily—right away.
For example, you want to reach out to someone you think might
be a possible friend. You invite this person to lunch. If you have a
good time, you say so and wait for an invitation back. You don’t
initiate three or four more invitations to show your interest. When you
overgive at the beginning, you set a precedent for that to continue.
It’s also helpful to notice whether the other person is overgiving to
you and how that feels. Usually it feels like an obligation or pressure.
Reciprocal relationships have a balance of investment and interest.
You feel more self-confidence because that balance feels supportive
and reassuring.
Learn New Skills
Real self-confidence is built on knowing that you can handle
both new and familiar situations effectively. It grows when you learn
new skills that expand your repertoire of successful responses. It can
take braveness to acknowledge that there is something you don’t
know but would like to learn. However, being open and willing to face
new information and do new things could ultimately change many
things in your life for the better. Instead of being an expert, you’re the
beginner. Although it takes some self-confidence to try something
new, it can build even more self-confidence.
Anything new that you learn to do helps your confidence. Pick
things you think would be fun, useful, and interesting. The added
benefit of pursuing your own interests is that you meet new people
along the way who like those same activities. Don’t wait to match
someone else’s interests. Follow your own, and see who shows up.
Take On New Challenges
When you only do what you’ve always done, you’ll only get what
you’ve always gotten. If you want to move forward and grow in your
life, you’ll need to take on new challenges. If you start by learning a
new skill, the challenges automatically appear one step at a time.
Remember, you get to set the pace of your life now. The narcissist is
no longer demanding or cajoling you to go at his speed and only in
his direction. Choosing can be a little scary, but it can also be
invigorating. Meeting new challenges develops new strengths and
increases self-confidence. When you know that you can handle
whatever comes along, you’ve rebuilt your self-confidence.
Task
Name a challenge you have faced, identify the strength you
used to handle it, and write it down in a notebook. Remember how
you felt going into the challenge, and reflect on how you felt after it
was over. Sometimes, just having the courage to face a new and
difficult situation—no matter how it turns out—is the
accomplishment. Don’t get sidetracked with whether you got entirely
what you wanted or you did it perfectly; give yourself credit for what
you learned and whatever you were able to do. Every step is an
achievement, and when added to every other step, your confidence
grows.
CONCLUSION
Increasing your self-confidence starts with your acknowledging and
giving yourself credit for the inner strengths you already have. Add to
that encouragement and support from others, and you feel your
confidence and self-assurance grow. The ability to balance the give-
and-take in your relationships helps you feel secure enough to reach
out to learn new skills and take on new challenges.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What are your current strengths? How can they help you face the
new changes in your life?
What are your top ten talents and abilities?
What interests have you forgotten about that you might pursue
again?
What encouraging statements can you use to motivate yourself
to try new experiences?
Who are your supporters? Who would you like to add?
What help do you need from others? Who could you ask? What
is stopping you from asking?
What imbalances do you see in how much you give and receive
from others?
What new skills would you like to learn?
What new challenge are you ready for?
Chapter 11
Loving Your
Self
“Our entire life . . . consists ultimately in accepting ourselves as
we are.”
—Jean Anouih, French dramatist
Whenever a significant relationship ends or radically changes, it
pulls up old memories, self-judgments, and a need to look at your life
from a new perspective. It gives you a chance to know yourself more
deeply—both your strengths and imperfections—and it challenges
you to greater self-acceptance. When you truly know who you are
and love yourself fully, you become stronger and are more willing to
be open and vulnerable. Your self-esteem and self-confidence
expand, and your overall life improves. And, surprisingly, your
compassion and willingness to share your life with others also
expands.
KNOW YOURSELF
A crisis such as you have been experiencing is jarring to your
continuity of self. Ordinarily you go along in your life thinking you
know yourself, know what you want and what you value. When a
significant relationship ends, it’s like an earthquake shaking up your
assumptions and habits. Nothing looks quite the same and nothing
feels the same. What you thought you knew about yourself becomes
confused and challenged. There are new reactions, information, and
demands to make new decisions.
Embrace Your Emotional Growth
Change precipitates emotional growth. Little change happens
when life is going along happily and calmly. In fact, most people
don’t actually like change. Advertisements disguise change by
describing it as “newer and better” because we humans usually
resist change, especially if it comes suddenly and not of our own
choosing.
However, life, people, and circumstances are always changing.
Psychological growth is often stimulated by changes that happen
around and to you. If you can urge yourself to think of the change
that is going on right now in your life as an opportunity for insight,
growth, and personal understanding instead of as a disaster, you’ll
find that you can use this time to move forward spiritually and
emotionally and you’ll heal more quickly.
Task
Get out your journal and spend some time answering these
questions. What are you learning that is truly important to you? How
have your priorities changed or become more clear? Have you had
emotional reactions that were surprising or new to you? What did
these reactions tell you about yourself? What changes in your
opinions or beliefs have you noticed? What were you previously sure
about but now are questioning? What have you learned about your
friends that you didn’t know before? What decisions are you
reevaluating, for example, choices about work, where you live, what
activities you select, and how you interact with your children or
parents?
You can face these changes with fear or with excitement, with
dread or with curiosity. Notice what you’re feeling, and be kind and
gentle with yourself as you confront all these adjustments. Don’t
force yourself to be more positive about them than you feel.
However, don’t get overwhelmed with a vision of disaster. Check
your feelings throughout the day. You’ll notice that they change back
and forth quite a bit.
Observe Without Judgment
You’ll learn the most about yourself and heal more rapidly if you
keep in mind to make no judgment. You can use all this new
information for your benefit if you observe without judging whether
things are right or wrong, good or bad, likeable or not. Judgment
stops curiosity and investigation. Just collect information; don’t do a
lot of analyzing or criticizing. This is a time to weigh and consider.
Task
Questions for your journal: What new thoughts and actions do
you notice in yourself? How are these changing and affecting how
you act and feel? Notice how others react. Give yourself time to
review and contemplate what you’re learning. What new preferences
do you notice? What do you want to encourage in yourself? What
criticisms sneak in?
Criticism, negative labels, and disapproval stop the learning
process and move your brain into pain and survival modes. Being
calm and relaxed encourages the collection of new information and
better understanding. The end of a relationship requires that you
adapt quickly to changed circumstances. It helps to remind yourself
that you’re always doing the best you can at the moment. Give
yourself credit for this.
Notice Your Preferences
Living with a narcissist squashes your awareness of your own
likes, dislikes, and preferences. You learned after a while that the
narcissist wasn’t going to pay attention to what you wanted anyway,
so why bother to figure it out. Therefore, you may find yourself
shocked and surprised that now there are tons of decision
possibilities and you don’t know what you want. What restaurants do
you like? What activities? What style of decorating? What color of
dishes? Which friends are really your friends? How do you like to
spend your free time? What do you like to eat?
There are other more serious choices to be made as well, and
you may not yet know what you want to do about those. The
narcissist can pressure you to make decisions quickly about
finances, joint property, and the children. Try to put off any decision
that doesn’t absolutely have to be made immediately. Even taking a
day or a week to let yourself think about it will help. Once you know
the relationship has ended, stop trying to figure out what the
narcissist wants. This only confuses and delays your process of
determining what is best for you. Your time and energy are better
spent on determining what you want.
Making New Choices
You have a lot of new choices facing you. If you feel unsure of
your wants and needs, talk about your options with people you trust
not to pressure you with their own preferences and wishes. A good
support person will listen, point out the positive and negative
possibilities, and ask you lots of questions about how you feel. Let
yourself enjoy the freedom of choosing for yourself. Take your time;
notice choices that bring you enjoyment and those that don’t work
out. Don’t condemn yourself for choices that you disliked; just make
different ones the next time. Remember to look at everything as
information, rather than an evaluation of yourself.
There will also be things you have to deal with that you don’t
choose. You may not get all the belongings you wanted or the exact
schedule with your children that you preferred, or you find certain
friends you counted on are no longer available. That doesn’t mean
you don’t have choices. One of the most important choices you have
to make is how you’ll handle situations you don’t like. Avoid seeing
this as a win/lose situation with the narcissist.
You don’t lose just because you don’t get what you preferred.
You lose when you collapse and feel devastated by it. When you let
yourself feel defeated by the narcissist, you’re moving back into the
victim role. You essentially give up your choice about how you’ll think
and feel to the narcissist’s control. Hold on to your right to control
your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Go back to your values
and your own life goals, and move toward them. That will take you
out of the narcissist’s control, and you’ll find yourself more grounded
and strong.
ACCEPT YOURSELF JUST AS YOU ARE
Observing without judgment leads you to self-acceptance. Emotional
growth occurs as the result of encouragement, not censure or
disparagement. It’s easy to accept your positive and likeable parts.
The real challenge is accepting all the parts of yourself, including the
thoughts, feelings, and actions you don’t like or you find
embarrassing or that make you feel vulnerable. Condemnation of
any part of yourself increases tension, anxiety, and procrastination.
This makes change much more difficult.
Acknowledge and Accept
Acceptance does not mean that you necessarily like a certain
attitude or action; it means you acknowledge it’s there without
condemnation or self-rejection. No one is perfect, nor should you
expect to be. When you accept your imperfections and shortcomings
without panic or shame, it is easier to make changes, whereas
hating parts of yourself eventually leads to hating the whole self.
Much of the pain from ending a relationship is due to the belief
that somehow there was something wrong with you. Self-acceptance
is exactly what the narcissist cannot do. His less than perfect parts
are so horrifying to him that he has to wall them off, disown them,
and project them onto you. You’ve seen and felt the results of that
method.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are not perfect, but no one
is. Anyone who loves you will accept all of you. That means that to
truly love yourself you will also have to find a way to accept all of
you.
Self-Compassion
A willingness to see all of your strengths and vulnerabilities
opens the door to self-compassion. You begin by applying your
ability for caring, love, kindness, generosity, and deep empathy to
yourself to heal your fears, anxieties, and loneliness. Self-
compassion is a process of being your own best friend. You listen to
your wishes, you care about your feelings, and you try to understand
your wants. You care deeply and lovingly for yourself. You protect
yourself. You appreciate yourself. You gently guide yourself without
harsh criticism. This may take some practice and self-reminders, but
the results are so enjoyable that you’ll become a fan.
Self-acceptance and compassion can also shield you from the
negative judgments of others, because now you own the right and
the power to see and accept who you are. When you know and
accept yourself, there will no longer be any fear that others will see
something objectionable in you that you don’t know about. Nor can
anyone ever lie to you again about who you are because you know
deeply the truth of yourself. You are more resilient. In addition, self-
compassion ultimately frees your loving energy to expand beyond
yourself to others.
Self-Encouragement
It is an entirely mistaken belief that criticism, punishment, and
rejection make anyone a better person. Studies in classrooms show
repeatedly that learning increases when teachers express
encouragement, not disapproval.[1] You’re probably good at
encouraging others, but you may not be good at encouraging
yourself. As long as you encourage others and not yourself, your
self-esteem will be in jeopardy.
When you criticize other people for their negative behaviors
toward you, it also decreases your own self-esteem. Criticizing
others is actually a tricky way of being critical of yourself. For
example, when you focus on the lies, cheating, ridicule, or
selfishness of the narcissist toward you, there is an underlying subtle
implication that you are unworthy, a loser, and/or powerless. It’s also
important to neutralize those devious self-attacks with self-
empowerment statements.
Task
Use self-encouragement to take the place of self-criticism. Each
time you notice yourself being critical of yourself or of others, turn the
thought into an encouragement statement. Here are some examples:
Critical Encouragement
I’m too fat. I can get into better shape.
I’m always anxious and
afraid.
I am willing to support and protect myself.
What’s wrong with me? I’m OK just the way I am.
She is so mean. I don’t like what she’s doing. I can choose to stay
away from her.
She says such lies
about me.
I know the truth about who I am.
He doesn’t love me
anymore.
I know and love myself.
I can’t possibly do that. I have the courage to face new situations.
Notice that each of the encouragement statements is also an
assertion of power and choice. The statement identifies who you are
and what you can and are willing to do to take care of yourself. They
are action statements. They give you direction and remind you of
your path to feeling better.
Take the Pressure Off
No one likes feeling angry or hurt, and of course, you want to
get over those feelings as quickly as possible. However, grief and
healing take time—always more time than anyone wishes. Putting
pressure on yourself to “get over it” or judging yourself for “taking too
long” to heal just adds more stress and pressure, which slows down
your healing. Take the pressure off yourself to meet any sort of
timetable of grief and recovery. Accept that you are getting through
this the best you can.
However, if you see that you are burdening your friends and
family too much or you are feeling stuck in particularly strong
feelings of grief or pain, it’s a good time to consider working with a
therapist. Often, the insight of a neutral, yet caring, professional can
give you the boost you need. Find a therapist who is familiar with
narcissism so you can get the most helpful information about how to
deal with the narcissist in the present as well as insight and
understanding about what you need to do to quit caretaking.
You Always Do the Best You Can
This statement can be difficult for many people to accept. It is
based on the premise that in each moment you’ll pick the best
response you know at that point in time. Later, you may see a better
option, but you can’t take what you know now and send it into the
past to change things. And you don’t need to judge yourself for not
knowing then what you know now or not knowing now what you’ll
know in the future. Life is a continuing transformation. Your ability to
know and choose wisely increases moment to moment. At any one
time what you say or do leads you to the next moment. If you wish
you’d said or done something else, that insight can lead you to new
learning and progress, so there is no need for self-criticism.
Congratulate yourself on seeing that the choice didn’t work or wasn’t
productive. Take the next opportunity to make a new choice that
works better. This is awareness, and every moment of awareness is
a moment of being alive and healing.
However, beware of people who constantly use the phrase “I did
the best I could” as an excuse not to be responsible for their actions
and who make no effort to be mindful and growing. We’re always
responsible for our own actions. If you are thoughtless or hurtful
toward someone and you don’t repair it, you’re only doing the best
that you are willing to do.
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF
You Are Important
Caretakers can find it hard to value themselves as important. In
actuality, you’re the most important person in your life. It is
necessary for your self-esteem and healing to enthusiastically
respond to your own thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. Doing so
is your number one job in life. If you don’t take care of yourself, the
only alternative is that you expect someone else to take care of you.
When you’re important to yourself, you’re valuing your
uniqueness and contributions to others. That’s not the same kind of
importance the narcissist is giving himself. Narcissists want to be
more important than anyone else. I’m suggesting that you appreciate
your value and expect others around you to also respect and
appreciate your value.
Knowing yourself and valuing who you are sets a standard that
is communicated in your attitude, body language, and reactions to
others. You’re well aware that just a look from the narcissist lets you
know what he expects to put up with. That’s the same for you as
well. What you believe about yourself and how you expect to be
treated is also sent out to others in your facial expressions and body
language. Your expectations and self-esteem are instantly
transmitted to others by the ways you interact. When you value
yourself, others get the message.
You Have the Right to Make New Choices
Have you ever wondered how you got here? Your life has
evolved into what it is because of every thought, action, and choice
you have made in response to the events and information you have
experienced. It is important to remember that you are making new
choices every single day and your choices can always change as
new events and options occur. If you believe you have to stick with
the first choice you ever made about something, you can really feel
disheartened. Just about every choice in life can be rechosen, and
you deserve as much as anyone else to choose the people, places,
and activities that give you joy.
The more consciously aware you are about your choices, the
more successful those choices will be. A lot goes in to making a
choice that fits who you truly are. Thoughts, feelings, information,
values, expectations, and goals all need to be included in the
process. Too often it is just simpler and quicker to focus on only one
or two of these components rather than take the time to fully
evaluate what will bring you closer to what you’re hoping for. This is
a good time to reevaluate your past choices and see whether they
are still serving you and moving you toward your life goals.
Values and Decisions
You’ll find yourself happier when your day-to-day life reflects
your deepest held values. Part of the way you truly know yourself is
by being consciously in touch with what you find significant and
important in life.
Task
Do you know what is especially important to you? Take some
time to make a list of what you value. However, I want to suggest a
new way to do that list. Usually, people list things such as love,
honesty, happiness, and relationships, but these are huge, vague
categories and aren’t much help in figuring out life goals or making
particular decisions. Go ahead and make your general list, but then
take each category and list specific things that are important to you.
Here are some examples:
General
category
Specifics
Love I feel loved when:
My feelings are considered by others
When someone is willing to help
I receive daily kindnesses, such as a cup of coffee, encouraging
words, or a hug
Honesty I feel someone is being honest when:
Information is volunteered
I feel my well-being is kept in mind
I experience others keeping their word
Making your list specific enables you to know when these values
are actually happening in your interactions. You can then tell whether
your relationships are embodying your ethics and yearnings and
moving toward your hopes and life goals. A specific list also gives
you guidelines to follow. Using your values gives you higher-quality
decisions and a greater sense of control, satisfaction, and comfort.
Quit Giving In to Make Other People Happy
It is honestly not your job to make other people happy. Anyway,
it’s also impossible to actually make anyone else happy. Yes, you
can offer joy and pleasure to others through your actions, but it is
entirely up to them whether they can or will accept what you are
giving. It’s an amazing consequence that when you make a happy
life for yourself, the people around you also tend to be happy people.
Start from the center—happiness in yourself—and work outward
sharing your happiness with others. People who refuse or reject that
gift are automatically people who don’t fit in with your values, life
goals, and character. Let them go, and move on to those who gladly
accept what you have to offer.
Stop Caring About Other People’s Opinions
Acknowledging all the parts of yourself—things you like and
don’t like, your competent as well as your fearful and weak parts,
your loving and kind as well as your selfish parts—creates the
foundation for becoming immune to the narcissist’s manipulations.
When you accept who you are completely, no one else’s opinion of
you is more valuable than your opinion of yourself. Critical remarks,
lies, and insults no longer produce the searing pain they once did.
You can then listen to complaints or comments about your behavior
calmly while considering the merits of the information and the person
delivering them. You are then the final judge of who you are.
When you know and accept yourself fully, then negative remarks
and opinions from others no longer trigger self-attacks but can
simply be used as information about the situation and the person
saying them. Knowing yourself and your values creates a core of
true strength and steadfastness. You’re no longer easily buffeted by
the changing and varying opinions of others. Your encircling group of
family and friends gives you the courage to ignore the hurtful
comments and anger from strangers and self-serving antagonists.
There is a greater sense of confidence and composure when you
reach this point.
SHARE WHO YOU ARE
Share Your Talents
One of the best ways to love and validate yourself is to share
your talents and abilities with others. The appreciation you receive
from people who get the benefit of your skills and gifts can go a long
way toward healing your wounded self-esteem. When you contribute
to the learning and betterment of someone else’s life, you’ll find that
your old caretaking behaviors of giving advice and fixing other
people’s problems will more easily dissipate.
Identify what you want to share with others. This can be a huge
step in valuing yourself. Decide how much time and energy you want
to give, and then enjoy the giving. Do only what you truly like to do
and only as long as it feels good to you to give it. The moment you
trigger your sense of drudgery or resentment—stop. Keep in the
spirit of giving rather than obligation.
Share Your Experiences
Let people know who you are. Share information about where
you have lived, places you have traveled, stories from your past,
events you’ve experienced, people you’ve known, things you like to
do, and topics you find interesting. You are valuable and important,
and the experiences you have had are interesting. When you’ve
lived in the shadow of a narcissist, you can lose the awareness that
you are equally interesting and worthy of being seen and heard. It
may take courage at first to put yourself forward and share who you
are, but it will significantly increase your self-esteem.
Share Yourself and Your Life Experiences
You are a combination of what you think, feel, do, and find
curious and interesting. The most delightful and easy-to-be-around
people are those who share about themselves without hostility or
self-criticism and without boastfulness and superiority. If you keep
your thoughts, feelings, and experiences overly safeguarded, others
won’t feel at ease or emotionally safe around you, fearing that you’re
secretly hiding something or making judgments about them. The
narcissist wanted you to be invisible and your life with him concealed
to protect his own image and secrets. The experience of emotional
concealment can make you feel that there is something wrong with
you. As you open up and just share ordinary thoughts and feelings
with others, you will find a sense of freedom and a feeling of being
OK just the way you are.
LOVE YOURSELF
Loving yourself comes from a mixture of knowing and accepting
yourself, actively being compassionate and encouraging to yourself,
following your values, and pursuing the life you really want. When
you let go of trying to please others and just share your unique
abilities and talents, you find that you feel more free, valued, and
happy. As you appreciate and love yourself, you’ll more easily move
toward a life that fulfills you.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
How aware of your feelings are you from day to day? Are there any
feelings that you particularly try to avoid?
How much do you criticize yourself? Take a five-minute count of
the number of critical messages you give yourself. What did you
notice?
What are the favorite things you like to do?
What behaviors, traits, or feelings in yourself do you believe are
unacceptable?
Pick three encouraging statements to keep in mind as you go
through the next week. Notice how you feel after saying them to
yourself.
Do you believe that you always do the best you can? If not, why
not?
How have you not been true to yourself? Are you being true to
yourself now?
Which of your values have you been ignoring? What changes
do you want to make about this?
How much do other people’s opinions and judgments about you
matter?
What talents, abilities, and experiences do you feel you are
ready to share with others?
NOTES
1. Schaps, Eric. “The Role of Supportive School Environments in
Promoting Academic Success,” Center for the Collaborative
Classroom at https://www
.collaborativeclassroom.org/research-articles-and-papers-the-role-of
-supportive-school-environments-in-promoting-academic-success.
IV
Empowerment
Chapter 12
Building Resilience
“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking
because her trust is not in the branch but in her wings.”
—Author unknown
Resilience is your ability to bounce back from hurtful, abusive, or
disappointing events. You are in the process of increasing your
resilience through the healing that you are doing now. Your level of
self-respect, self-worth, ethical principles, and ability to effectively
stand up for yourself all contribute to emotional resilience.
SELF-RESPECT
You Are Worthy
Feeling worthy doesn’t mean that you’re better than anyone
else. It means that you value yourself as worthwhile to care about,
care for, and protect. It also means that you take yourself and your
needs seriously and you give them value and importance in your life.
Without a sense of self-worth, you cannot tune in effectively to your
own strengths, power, and rights, nor can you pay attention
appropriately to your own needs or protect yourself. Your tendency
to always put the needs of others before your own, without expecting
and insisting that your needs be responded to, diminished your own
sense of self-worth and made you vulnerable to manipulation and
control. The needs of others are important, but so are yours. A
healthy balance is needed for emotional well-being.
People will typically respect you at the level you allow,
encourage, and expect. Notice how the people who honestly love
you act toward you. How does it feel? Use this to give you valuable
information about your sense of self-worth. Notice too if your internal
self-messages are positive and encouraging, or if they are
demeaning and disrespectful. If you think of yourself as unimportant,
powerless, incapable, or a failure, you’re setting the stage for others
to also think and act toward you as if these things are actually true.
Task
Take a moment to make a list of things you find worthwhile
about yourself. If you can’t fill a page, you need to look deeper or ask
others to help; then continue building that list. Then every time you’re
feeling critical and disheartened about yourself, read the list out loud
to yourself as a reminder of your tangible worth in the world.
You could expand on this by asking each of your trusted friends,
colleagues, and family members to write one thing that is worthwhile
about you on a slip of paper, fold it, and give it to you. Don’t look at it
right away. Collect all the comments in a jar or envelope and then sit
down alone and read them one by one. Because you probably won’t
know who wrote which one, it will be harder to discount the
information. These are tangible descriptions of yourself that are
recognized by others. Let them sink in.
Be Self-Responsive
How willing are you to respond to your own feelings, needs, and
wants? When you ignore your own emotional self-care, you’re
showing an indifferent and disrespectful attitude toward your own
well-being. Caring responses include asking others for help, taking
good physical care of yourself, caring for your emotional needs,
speaking your thoughts and feelings, and being as sympathetic to
your own choices as you are to the choices of others. As an adult,
you’re responsible to do these things for yourself. If you don’t show
an interest in taking care of your needs, it conveys the message that
someone should do it for you, which typically attracts controlling and
dominating people.
Speak Up for Yourself
Speaking out about what you think, want, and choose to do is
essential for appropriate self-respect. If you’re not speaking your
truth, then you’re not really present and participating fully in your life
and in the world. You don’t have to be bossy about it. Just give your
opinions and preferences when others are doing so. Instead of
always deferring to others, stand up and campaign for what you want
to do at least some of the time.
Others may comment on your change of behavior. Don’t worry.
People who see you and like you will actually be delighted to hear
from you. When others know what you think, feel, and want, they are
actually more comfortable around you because they know what to
expect. They’ll feel that you truly care and are more of a participant
in the relationship and less of an observer. It actually brings you
closer to others as they get to know you better.
EMBRACE YOUR ETHICAL PRINCIPLES
Follow Your Moral Compass
Everyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist has
lied, given in, or covered up the narcissist’s bad or offensive
behaviors to keep the relationship going. Going against your
principles and what you feel is right is demoralizing to your self-
respect and drains your inner strength and personal power. If you
don’t feel good about what you’re doing, you won’t feel good about
yourself. When you make excuses for the narcissist, it eats away at
your self-esteem.
Now is a good time to reset your moral compass and follow your
true path. If something doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t what you ought
to be doing. Don’t talk yourself out of your own principles and ethical
standards, and don’t let anyone else talk you out of them either. The
results are never satisfactory.
Identifying the behaviors and situations that have gone against
your standards in this relationship can help you recenter your self-
respect. Then you can be prepared to decide what actions you want
to take to protect yourself from giving in to those things again. When
you fully embrace your values and life principles, it’s easier to stand
firm on what you want and choose to do. You gain inner strength and
resilience when you act from your ethical center to protect yourself.
Let your standards direct you to the actions and relationships that
are good for you.
Be Your Own Judge
You feel greater personal strength when you take over the
responsibility of judging for yourself whether you are doing the right
thing. You have the right to decide what is good for you, what you
want to do, and with whom you want to be involved. Use your
principles, feelings, passions, and goals to guide you into the
situations and relationships that you find fulfilling and satisfying.
When you decide for yourself what is best for you, you become more
empowered.
Let your conscience be your guide—not your guilt. Caretakers
too often make their choices based on how guilty or afraid they feel.
This can pull you into and keep you in situations and relationships
that are clearly not good for you. Basing your choices primarily on
the needs and wishes of others is self-destructive. Remember, your
number one responsibility in life is to take care of your own
emotional and physical well-being, and then offer care to others—not
the other way around. It’s the same principle as on airplanes, where
you’re instructed to put on your own oxygen mask before you help
others. It’s a matter of survival.
Be your own judge in determining what you see, feel, and think
and what choices you should make. This is your life; you get to
choose. After all, you have to deal with the consequences of these
decisions, whether you give in to someone else or you choose for
yourself.
Be Around Others Who Share Your Values
It is much easier to follow your values when you’re around
others with the same guiding principles. Then when you feel unsure
about a decision, you have others who know you well and can help
you sort through your dilemma. Even then, remember that the final
decision is your responsibility. Always remember to be cautious of
people who try to convince you that their answer or suggestion is the
only right one or pressure you to make a certain choice.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF
Listen to Your Gut
You may fear, for good reason, that you’ll be tricked again by the
narcissist. Narcissists do not always go away and stay away. If
things don’t work out the way they wanted in their new life, they may
come back and try to reengage. And if you have children together,
you’ll have to keep interacting with the narcissist for some time to
come. How will you keep yourself emotionally strong, centered, and
healthy?
Listen to your gut instead of your guilt, fear, or pity. Your gut is
the center of your intuition and comes from your instincts,
perceptions, and natural body reactions. It’s a far more accurate
method of telling you what you truly feel and want than your
conscious brain. When you were with the narcissist, you had to close
your gut intuition down because it was too often in conflict with what
you thought you had to do or should do to please him.
A good method for staying in touch with your intuition is to tune
in to your body. When you need to know quickly how you feel about
something, pay attention to how your stomach and abdomen feel.
Psychologists call this area of the body the second brain.[1] It can’t
be subverted by the “shoulds” and “oughts” that you’ve been taught
to think are appropriate. It tells you clearly what you really want and
feel. Notice any overall body signs of tension or pain as well. Is your
neck stiff? Are you getting a headache? Is your lower back hurting?
Emotions come out almost instantly in your body.[2] When your body
is relaxed and calm, you’ll feel happier, but when your gut is in
distress, something is not right with your world.
Your gut is the center of your fight, flight, and freeze reactions.
In caretakers, the most common response to distress is to freeze. To
deal more effectively with narcissists, you’ve got to marshal your
inner strength, which can’t be done if you’re in freeze mode. When
situations are demanding or challenging, do you shut down and can’t
think of what to say and can’t seem to focus your brain? That’s
freeze mode. When you feel instantly enraged and your mind is
moving at super speed, that’s fight mode. Obviously, if you just want
to get away from the situation, you’re in flight mode. These are all
indicators that you need to protect yourself and get to a safe place
so you can calm down and bring your rational thinking back online.
Until you do that, you’ll feel afraid, weak, and confused.
Narcissists try to push you to make quick responses and
decisions. They sense when you’re shut down and defenseless and
choose that time to pressure or threaten you to get what they want.
When your strength is drained and you’re scared, your ability to think
is compromised. Getting out of these fear modes allows you to
marshal your inner strength, get your thinking cleared, and not cave
in to these tactics.
Give yourself time to tune in to your body messages, calm
yourself, and identify what you’re feeling and why you’re reacting as
you are. Then spend some time thinking clearly about what you
want. This may take minutes, hours, or sometimes days. Give
yourself whatever time you need for this process and don’t cave into
pressure from the narcissist to respond immediately.
Task
Try this exercise to tune in to yourself before deciding on a
response. See yourself standing strong and capable. Imagine
everyone who loves you and supports you standing around you.
What would these loved ones want for you? How can they be of help
to you? What are the real limits and options that you have to choose
from? What advice does your highest and best self give you? Mull
over all of this information. Make your best choice from this place of
strength.
Identify Your Rights
There are two important kinds of rights that you need to
embrace to increase your sense of power—your legal rights and
your humanity rights. If you own property or have children or legal
obligations with a narcissist, you need to make sure you know your
legal rights in your state. The moment you figure out that your
partner is a narcissist, you need to consult a lawyer because at
some point, you’ll have conflicts with the narcissist over whatever
you share.[3] If you know your legal rights, then you know where you
stand, what to fight for, and what to expect. Narcissists are extremely
good at trying to drain your power and emotional strength by creating
mythical rights, threatening to “take everything,” and making
demands that aren’t necessarily lawful. Knowing your legal rights
can go a long way to allaying your fears, empowering you, and
preparing you for the decisions you need to make.
Your humanity rights are more about your sense of emotional
safety, well-being, positive regard, respect, self-worth, strength, and
trust. These are things for which you rightfully get to set the
standards. If you haven’t clearly established your standards for these
rights, then now is a good time to do so. Don’t assume that
everybody has the same ones. Your standards are based on your
own sense of self-worth and self-respect. Definitely take time to spell
out your expectations and preferences in friendships, with family,
and in intimate relationships. These help you identify whether you’re
in a relationship that is good for your well-being and happiness.
Gerald said he wanted a relationship that felt like a partnership,
in which both people shared in the decisions and the daily tasks. He
liked a calm household, quiet voices, and sharing thoughts and
feelings at the end of the day. He didn’t like uproar, anger, or chaos.
When he looked back on his marriage to Jennifer, he realized he’d
gotten the exact opposite of what he actually wanted. The
relationship had moved so quickly in the beginning that he was
already passionately involved and committed before he genuinely
knew Jennifer. He’d been in the habit of falling for women who were
exciting and whose energy filled the room, even though that didn’t
match the kind of life he wanted to live. After divorcing, he decided to
go slower in the next relationship and look for someone who enjoyed
the same kind of lifestyle he was comfortable with. That led him to
thinking about Nina, who had been a friend for years. They’ve been
together for a decade now, deeply appreciating their quiet life
together.
Clarify Your Obligations
As an adult, you have the right to choose what you will and
won’t do for others, how often you want to do these things, and in
what way. Just because the narcissist called you selfish and accused
you of not doing enough for him doesn’t mean that it was true. You’ll
feel stronger and more empowered when you decide for yourself
what obligations you choose to take on and what you expect in
return.
Obligations are reciprocal, for example, parent to child and child
to parent, husband to wife and wife to husband, employer to
employee and employee to employer, or friend to friend. Your self-
worth increases when you hold others to the same standard of
meeting obligations to which you hold yourself. So when you fulfill
your commitments and the other person doesn’t, you’ve got the right
to choose whether you’ll continue the relationship, terminate your
promises to the other person, or get help and support to enforce your
rights.
Obligations freely chosen reduce the likelihood of resentment
and bitterness and increase positive connections with others. Keep
working to find enjoyable reciprocal relationships, and you’ll find your
feelings of integrity, self-worth, and strength increasing.
Kendra, age thirty-four, had learned not to tolerate her father,
Danny’s, narcissistic control and dominance. However, her mother
was more passive and constrained by him. When her mother was
diagnosed with end-stage cancer, Kendra wanted to take care of her,
but she didn’t want to deal with her fathers demands, control, and
temper tantrums. She tried to convince her mother to leave him and
come live with her, but her mother didn’t have the strength to stand
up to Danny. So she stayed. Kendra told her mother that she would
visit only when her father wasn’t there but that her home was open if
her mother ever wanted to live with Kendra. Danny hated taking care
of his wife and complained continually. Kendra lived four hundred
miles away, but drove down to care for her mother one day a week
to relieve her father, but only if he was not in the house.
Her mother rallied, and she and Kendra took a trip together to
Paris without Danny. When they got back, her mother was
hospitalized again with a relapse. Danny threw his hands up in
frustration and refused to visit his wife “because she just keeps
getting worse.” He moved out a week later. Kendra nursed her
mother for the next two months until she died. Kendra clarified her
obligations and boundaries at each step of her mothers illness and
knew she had done the best she could for her mother while staying
clear of her fathers injurious anger and attacks.
Make Your Own Choices
When you clearly and consciously make your own choices,
you’ll feel stronger, more competent and powerful, and happier.
Conversely, giving up what you want in order to keep others from
complaining and whining will cause you to feel insignificant and
resentful. When you always just go along with what others choose,
you can end up believing that you don’t have choices. This dilutes
your strength. Even when the options are not what you would like,
make a choice. You’ll feel better and more in control of your life.
Kendra used a self-talk exercise to help her figure out what to do
about her mother and father. Following is the process.
Task—Talk Yourself Through Challenges
In an article titled “The Voice of Reason,” Pamela Weintraub
states that experiments done by psychologist Ethan Kross indicate
that “how people conduct their inner monologues has an enormous
effect on their success in life.”[4] She outlined three steps that are
especially effective in being more courageous and successful in
difficult or challenging situations. They are (1) speak to yourself in
the first person, (2) give yourself specific instructions, and (3) affirm
that you are capable.
1. Speaking to yourself in the first person means using your
first name to talk to yourself as if you were talking to a friend.
This helps you see yourself more objectively. You can remind
yourself of your past successes and ask yourself questions
about feelings and thoughts. This gives you the sense of having
a good friend to talk with.
2. Giving yourself specific instructions can include reminders
to keep calm, instructions about what to do and say, and even
directions about what feelings to have. This is reassuring and
encouraging and keeps your conscious brain engaged and in
charge. As a result, your mind is more able to override your
fight, flight, or freeze reactions. It helps you create a plan,
decide what you are going to do, and encourage yourself to do
it.
3. Affirm you are capable. Continue talking to yourself using
your first name. State all of the strengths and abilities you have
that can help you get through this difficult situation. Avoid saying
fearful, negative, or disaster-vision self-comments. Be
encouraging.
After you get through the challenging encounter, be sure to
identify what was successful and the specific strengths and actions
that were helpful to you. This will increase your ability to meet the
next challenging situation.
Here’s an example from Sondra, who calls herself Soni,
encouraging herself:
(1) Soni, what are you anxious about? You’ve talked to Mike
[narcissist] hundreds of times before. (2) Keep breathing, look
him in the eye, and tell him no. He can’t hurt you anymore, Soni,
unless you care what he thinks about you. And you don’t care
what he thinks anymore. (3) You are strong and capable, and
you have the right to say no. It’s OK to be yourself and tell him
what you want.
Then afterward:
Soni, you got through it. You stood your ground, and he backed
off. Good for you. You are really getting strong. You go, girl.
This step-by-step process is extremely powerful and effective.
You can use it whenever you face anxiety-producing situations at
work, with family and friends, and especially with narcissists. It gives
you the inner sense that you’re twice as strong because you’re there
doing the actions and also there encouraging and cheering yourself
on.
CONCLUSION
Being resilient includes respecting yourself, seeing your own worth,
knowing what you think and feel, identifying and following your own
values, and believing that you have the right to evaluate your own.
To do these things, you have to listen to your deep emotional
responses and honor them when deciding what to do. You also need
to identify your rights, stand up for them, and take over making your
own choices. Learning a new, more empowering way to talk to
yourself is key. Strength and trust in yourself grow when you listen to
your feelings and needs, take charge of making your own choices,
and let yourself be authentically you.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
Rate your sense of emotional strength and power from 1–10 during
your relationship with the narcissist. Also rate it before and after the
relationship. What do you notice? How would your loved ones rate
it?
What would you change if you listened to yourself more?
How well do you follow your own values and conscience?
Spend a whole day tuning in to your “gut.” What does it have to
say?
What do you need to do to better protect your legal rights?
In what situations do you feel your emotional safety, respect, or
self-worth are being damaged? What can you do to feel more
empowered?
Are you freely choosing what you want to do for others? What
obligations would you like to give up?
Take a challenging situation in your life and use the steps
outlined to talk yourself through it in a new and more powerful way.
NOTES
1. Porges, Stephen W. The Polyvagal Theory: Neuropsychological
Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-
Regulation. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 2011.
2. Hay, Louise. You Can Heal Your Life. Santa Monica, CA: Hay
House, 1984.
3. McBride, Karyl. Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a
High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family. New
York, NY: Atria Books, 2015.
4. Weintraub, Pamela. “The Voice of Reason,” Psychology Today
Magazine, May 4, 2015.
Chapter 13
Self-Protection
“You’ve always had the power . . . you just had to learn it for
yourself.”
—Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, from The Wizard of Oz
CREATING SELF-PROTECTION
When someone else is in charge of protecting you, it comes with a
price. That price is control. Narcissists often describe their love as
protecting you, when in fact it is aimed at organizing your life,
directing and commanding you to do things their way, and monitoring
your actions. When you were under the control of a narcissist, it was
difficult to set boundaries and limits to protect yourself. As your self-
esteem and self-confidence grow, you’ll feel stronger and more
righteous in protecting your emotional and physical self from anyone
who would try to take control of your life again.
Stop All Personal Interactions
Some narcissists cut off contact with you, but more frequently
they keep hanging around trying to get your attention, as well as
dominate and manipulate you to get what they want. They continue
their push/pull behaviors. It’s in your own best interest to stop any
sort of personal interaction with the narcissist. If you have business
that needs attending to, try to do it through your lawyer or through
short messages, with as little direct contact as possible. Any time
you are friendly and accommodating to a narcissist, he’s likely to
think you’re willing to give in to whatever he wants. When you give in
to small things, the narcissist increases his attempts to get his way.
Set Limits
Figure out how to limit or eliminate your contact with the
narcissist as much as possible. Arrange child drop-offs and pickups
at school, sports practices, or in a public place. Use online calendars
for messages and scheduling information. Don’t attend the same
social functions. Message or call only when absolutely necessary,
and limit its length. If the communication isn’t about legal matters, it
probably doesn’t need to happen. Don’t go into explanations of why
you think or feel as you do, don’t expect empathy or consideration,
and never change the terms of your agreements with the narcissist
except by going through the legal system. As your kids get older, let
them negotiate more for themselves about what they want with the
other parent.
You may need to use a lot of self-encouragement when setting
new boundaries and limits. The technique outlined in the last chapter
can give you courage to stand your ground, say no, walk away, hang
up the phone, or refuse to get triggered into a fight with the
narcissist. State clearly and powerfully what you want, and follow
through on any consequences you’ve chosen. When you believe in
your rights, know what you truly feel, and have thought through what
you want, you can create an effective action plan. Using the self-talk
method increases your courage to stand your ground. Then this
becomes a powerful self-protection system.
Hold Your Boundaries
With narcissists, you not only have to set your boundaries, but
you also have to defend and continually hold on to them. Narcissists
are completely focused on getting what they want, so they’ll keep
pushing your limits until it’s clear that you’re never giving up. Making
exceptions or giving in “just this once” usually makes it more difficult
to hold your boundary the next time. Your rights and well-being are
best protected by making your statements and agreements with the
narcissist clear, precise, and in writing and not making concessions
later. Flexing your agreements to accommodate the narcissist’s
immediate wants or needs is a risky business. You can’t count on the
narcissist to reciprocate in kind.
Pick your battles and don’t fuss around with the small things. Do
as much as you can to protect yourself and your children from actual
harm, but don’t spend time and energy fighting battles over things
that won’t matter in ten years. Save your energy for the significant
issues that have long-term effects.
Collect Your Allies
You’ll find that you feel stronger and safer when you have
loving, caring, supportive people around you whenever you have to
encounter the narcissist. Narcissists are nastiest when it is just the
two of you, but they’re more likely to be civil when there are
witnesses who support you. In social situations, sit with your friends
between you and the narcissist. Be polite, but don’t encourage
friendly interaction. That’s not necessary. You’re not going to be
long-term friends with someone who has treated you as badly as the
narcissist has.
If you have legal issues with the narcissist, have your lawyer
with you when you have important issues to discuss. Don’t try to
settle things on your own. This will protect you from a lot of bickering
and haggling that can be exhausting and mind crushing. Ask your
therapist for information and insight about what to expect. Practice
with him or her for upcoming interactions. Ask your friends for moral
support, and even request them to be present during your contacts
with the narcissist. Allow family to encourage and support you
through these times. Always aim to keep yourself calm, centered,
and protected whenever you have to be around the narcissist.
However, as Jean McBride says in her book Talking to Children
About Divorce, remember, your children should not be your allies.[1]
It is harmful when you try to get them to be on your side, love you
more, or tattle on the narcissist. Their relationship with the other
parent is entirely different from your relationship with him or her.
Also, don’t try to control your children’s feelings. Choose adult allies
who understand your dilemma and are helpful in supporting your
self-esteem and self-confidence.
Say No and Mean It
Your best protection against a narcissist is your ability to say
and mean no. You can use the word specifically as in “No thank
you,” “No, that won’t work for me,” or “Not now,” but you can also
convey no by identifying the differences between you and the
narcissist, for example,
“You seem to want to talk more about this, but I don’t.”
“Unless you stop shouting, I am hanging up the phone.”
(Then do it.)
“I would like to meet in my lawyers office rather than at my
home.”
When you disagree with the narcissist, make sure it’s worth the
effort it will take to defend your decision. Be aware that it takes a lot
more energy to defend a no when you are waffling and actually
mean maybe. When you’re unsure, you are fighting within yourself
as well as with the narcissist. A solid no is much more clear because
then you know you have genuine reasons and support to back it up.
You’re of one mind, and that is much stronger.
You don’t have to go along with the narcissist anymore, but it
wastes your energy to disagree just because you’re angry. Yes and
no are strongest when they are well thought out and chosen in
coordination with your deepest intentions and goals.
Step Out of the Game
One of the most powerful and self-protective tools you can use
to shield yourself from the negativity of the narcissist’s behaviors is
to disengage. Whether you or the narcissist has ended this
relationship, you may be surprised at how much contact the
narcissist still wants to have with you. He may continue to engage
you in endless e-mails and texts, or even offer to date again or be
friends, or want to talk with you about his new love relationship. On
the other hand, the narcissist’s bid for your attention may be
primarily hostile, with demands to talk things out or accusations. He
might even try to push his way into your home and demand to take
things. However, you’ll probably face a combination of these
approaches.
It’s time to end the drama and step away from the game. As
long as any part of you still contemplates reuniting, the narcissist has
power over your feelings, thoughts, and choices. A clear ending in
your mind needs to be reached before you can move on. Only then
can you truly get yourself emotionally out of this drama and protect
yourself from further pain. As long as you have grudges,
resentments, demands, or expectations of the narcissist, you have
not let go of this relationship. You may say you are done and it’s
over, but as long as the narcissist can make you crazy, you have not
completely let go.
Some things that your former partner does will never be to your
liking, but the goal is to let him go and focus your attention on the
events and happenings in your own life. Don’t let the narcissist
continue to control your thoughts or how you feel and live your life
months and years after the relationship has ended.
When Leanne came to therapy to deal with her continued
anxiety and depression about her divorce from five years earlier, she
wasn’t aware of how much time and energy she was spending
interacting with her former husband, Ron. She was sending and
receiving numerous texts and e-mails daily. They had two children in
high school, who were both hesitant to speak up to their dad and tell
him what they wanted. Leanne always seemed afraid of Ron. He
was clearly narcissistic and definitely was persistent in pushing for
what he wanted.
In therapy Leanne learned to quit giving into all the minute
changes that Ron wanted. She had her lawyer send him a letter
reminding him of their original parenting agreement, and she quit
responding to his requests for changes. When the kids wanted to do
special things on Dad’s parenting time, she coached them to work
that out with him. Within six months, the number of communications
between Leanne and Ron had decreased 80 percent, and Leanne’s
anxiety was greatly reduced. She even found time and energy to do
social activities when her kids were with their dad, because she was
no longer worrying about what would happen next.
It’s OK Not to Care
It is definitely OK not to care about the narcissist any longer. You
broke up. You need to let go of any nonlegal expectations and
obligations. Caretakers like to “care” about other people. It may feel
disloyal to you to say you don’t care. Do you still have unconscious
hopes that the narcissist will somehow care for you, due to your past
relationship with each other? If you still have these hopes, you’ll
remain vulnerable to the hurtful and crazy-making interactions the
narcissist has done in the past.
To truly disengage, you have to move to a more neutral place of
acceptance of the narcissist and yourself as two separate people,
un-
attached to each other. What he does or doesn’t do has nothing to
do with you anymore. Ignore any morbid interest you have about his
current life. Let your past dreams of what you were going to do
together float away. Turn your back on the past, and move forward to
create a new life for yourself, full of new dreams, new people, and
new experiences.
TRUSTING YOUR WINGS
Keep Your Own Counsel
No one is more motivated to respond to your needs and be a
good protector and guide than you. You have the potential to know
better than anyone else what you feel, think, want, and enjoy. So
you’re ultimately the best judge of what is good for you and what
choices would be best for you. Being mindfully aware of yourself
does take time and energy, but it has huge payoffs. When you know
yourself and make well-considered choices, your life works much
better, with less drama, fewer wrong turns, and more satisfaction.
Take time every day to tune in to yourself. Listen to your thoughts,
sense what feelings are coming to the surface, and give yourself
permission to follow your own sense of what gives you contentment
and well-being, whether or not it pleases others.
Task
Take time to be alone with your thoughts with no other
distractions. Whether you call this time meditation, prayer,
contemplation, or just relaxation, it is essential for your well-being.
Surprisingly, even five to ten minutes a day can make a huge
difference in the quality of your life. Listen to quiet instrumental
music, journal, take a walk alone, or sit in nature with no agenda
except to listen to what is going on inside of you. At first, you may
feel fidgety or have trouble getting your mind off the many things you
have on your to-do list. Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders,
and give yourself permission to take a few minutes for yourself. Tell
your mind that you’re willing to listen to whatever it has to tell you at
this moment. Then just notice what passes through your attention.
Write down your thoughts and feelings if you would like. Do this for a
week, noticing what patterns of worries, judgments, or thoughts keep
surfacing.
These few minutes focused on yourself can be the most
valuable time of your day. You become aware of your mood
changes, passions, wishes, and fears. It gives you a heads-up for
what you need and can expect from yourself for the next twenty-four
hours. When you respond without criticism to what your emotional
system needs, you can count on yourself to be your own best
advocate in life. You know you can fly even if the branch breaks or
the unexpected happens.
Be Your Own Authority
You might not have noticed that you’re the only one who makes
choices for your life, and you’re the only one ultimately responsible
for what you choose to do. That makes you the definitive authority
over you. No matter who else has an opinion about you, your life, or
your actions, it is you who ultimately makes every choice. If you
believe in your own authority to run your life, you’ll never again get
caught up in the delusion that someone else makes you do anything.
Nor will you fall victim to the imaginary belief that you’ve caused
anyone else to feel or do anything. You’ll be able to stand solidly on
your own values and integrity and no longer feel like a pawn in
someone else’s life drama.
Let Your Authentic Self Be Your Guide
There is great joy in being authentically yourself. It gives you a
sense of freedom and confidence that nothing else can. Knowing
that you are plenty good enough lets your whole self be relaxed and
no longer on guard. You don’t have to figure out what other people
want you to be. When you’re being yourself, you can be assured that
people who like you are accepting you for just being you. It takes
tons of energy to assess and align your every action to meet the
expectations of others. It takes little or no energy to just be yourself.
However, authenticity doesn’t mean saying or doing anything
and everything that comes into your mind, such as criticizing others,
or doing anything you want without consideration for how it affects
others. You don’t have control over other people, but you may have
a powerful influence on them. Be as respectful of the individuality of
others as you would have them be toward you. Even when you stop
caretaking others, you still can and will be caring of other people.
However, you won’t be pleasing them at your own expense.
Being authentic means knowing who you are and sharing that
genuinely with others. It means being truthful about yourself, your
feelings and wants, without discounting anyone else. Authenticity
means that you won’t cover up or discount your needs and wants
just because someone else doesn’t approve. It also means you don’t
have to give in and then feel resentful, go along with behaviors that
you don’t like, or pretend you have feelings that you don’t have.
An additional benefit of being authentic is that you’ll quickly find
out whether other people are dependable, trustworthy, and genuine.
Because you aren’t spending huge amounts of energy trying to
please other people, you’ll be better able to see when people are
disapproving, judgmental, and dissatisfied as well as when they are
being honest, truly caring, or genuinely concerned about you. Their
behaviors will be more visible, and this gives you more information to
assess whether you like them.
CONCLUSION
Self-protection means setting limits on what you will and won’t
tolerate from others and what you will do and not do for them. It
takes practice to hold to your boundaries, but you can do this more
effectively with the help of your allies, the ability to firmly say no, and
your willingness to step out of the narcissist’s games, because you
no longer care what the narcissist thinks about you.
Trust in yourself develops as you listen to yourself, accept your
feelings and needs as normal and valuable, take charge of making
your own choices, and finally let yourself be truly and authentically
you.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What interactions with the narcissist can you quit doing?
What new limits would you like to set in your life?
What limits and boundaries need your attention to make them
stronger?
What things would you like to say no to?
How do you still get caught up in the narcissist’s manipulations?
What can you do differently?
Can you describe your authentic self?
How would your life change if you were willing to be more
authentically you?
NOTES
1. McBride, Jean. Talking to Children About Divorce. Berkeley, CA:
Althea Press, 2016.
Chapter 14
Becoming Independent
“No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche
You are either in control of yourself or you allow someone else
to be in control of you. In the relationship with the narcissist, most of
the time the narcissist was in control. As a caretaker you primarily
accommodated the narcissist’s feelings and preferences and
deferred to his choices. Although that was quite restrictive and often
exasperating, it can be difficult to automatically switch into being
independent and self-reliant. Making your own decisions takes
thought, time, and energy, and it can be scary to feel responsible for
everything in your life again. Learning to be independent can feel
lonely and intimidating. However, if you want to avoid narcissistic
relationships in the future, your chances are much better if you have
a clear sense of your right to be a self-determining, independent
person.
Letting Go of Codependence
The relationship between you and the narcissist was
codependent, whether you realized it at the time. You tried to please
and take care of the narcissist, while he tried to get his way in
everything. That was continually to your disadvantage. To have a
strong partner relationship, both parties must be able to articulate
what they want and at the same time respond to and care about the
others feelings and needs. Otherwise, the relationship will be
codependent.
Speak Up for Yourself
It can be very hard to speak up in interactions with narcissists.
They don’t listen well and often respond to comments with hostility
and derision. Caretakers want to smooth over any discord, so they
back down and give up pretty easily. In addition narcissists try to turn
comments they don’t like back on the other person. Add in the fact
that narcissists always have to be right, superior, and in control of
everything, and the result is that anyone actively engaged in a long-
term relationship with a narcissist will become codependent over
time.
To regain your sense of independence you have to rediscover
your voice. Your ability to share what you think and feel, set
boundaries, make your preferences known, and stand up for your
rights all depend on your being able to speak up for yourself. You
may need to start by writing down your thoughts, observations,
opinions, and likes and dislikes in a journal. Put words to what you
are feeling and experiencing. Then pick your safest friend or family
member to share these words of truth you have discovered. Allow
yourself to ask for what you want, give your opinion, select the movie
or restaurant you go to, and say no once in a while. Speaking up is
the difference between being a wallflower or joining the dance.
The sooner you speak up and make your requirements and
desires known to others, the sooner needy, selfish, self-absorbed
people fade away because they quickly realize that you aren’t going
to be giving them what they want. Doing this saves a lot of time by
narrowing the field to more egalitarian, independent, less-controlling
people, whether acquaintances, friends, or companions.
Respond to Your Own Needs
As a former caretaker, you have wonderful skills for instantly
and effectively responding to the needs, wishes, and feelings of
others. You’re probably not nearly as good at being self-responsive.
How well do you take care of your physical needs? If you have
chronic physical stress, pain, low energy, or lack of joy, you need to
pay more attention to your physical needs. Common physical issues
for caretakers are migraines, neck and back pain, indigestion,
irritable bowel, muscle tension in the jaw, fatigue, and lethargy.
These are all indicators of overstressing your body with anxiety,
emotional pressure, worry, guilt, and fear without respite care and
recovery. What does your body need from you to recover to its full
level of health? Excuses of not enough time or money to take care of
yourself won’t make you feel better. Take charge of caring for your
health and well-being right now, and make it a lifelong priority.
Without a healthy body, you’ll find everything in life is more difficult.
Continue working on responding to your emotional needs with
positive self-talk, self-validation, and encouragement. Make these
automatic habits in your life. Rebuild your trust in yourself by being
more authentically you. These things give you the strength to be
more emotionally independent in your intimate relationships.
Financial independence is also important. When you know you
can take care of yourself financially, you never again have to feel
helpless to leave an abusive, insulting, or hard-hearted relationship
due to no means of supporting yourself. Additionally, if you want to
go back to school, start a business, or attend an event that interests
you, you know that you have the ability to finance this yourself
instead of relying solely on someone else to give you permission and
the funds. As you’ve just experienced, being faced with living on your
own is much less stressful when you can pay your own rent and buy
food. Money of your own gives you choices.
Create a Vision and Follow Your Passion
Do you know where you want your life to go? Where you want to
live? How you want to spend your days? Have you identified your
purpose? People who have been caretakers have often lost their
sense of life direction and passion. “Saving your relationship” may
have been your most recent life goal. It’s time now to create new life
goals. As you have learned, latching onto someone else who will
take you along toward his life goals is chancy and unreliable at best.
On the other hand, having no goal at all almost assures that you
won’t get where you want to be.
Task
As you heal and become more independent and resilient, this
can be a time to create a new life plan. This is your life. What do you
want to do with it? What interests you? What excites you? What
would you like to be known for? Create a plan to move in the
direction of your yearnings. And be sure to figure out what kind of
people you want to have travel that path with you. Being choosy
about your life companions isn’t elitist or selfish; it’s just plain good
sense. For a specialized job, you wouldn’t hire just anyone who
happened to come through the door. Be at least as choosy about the
people with whom you select to share your most intimate self.
Invest in Yourself
Pay attention to yourself. Time spent being with yourself
provides your greatest opportunity to learn who you are and create
the life you truly love and enjoy. When you’re coming out of such an
intense, enmeshed relationship as you’ve been in with the narcissist,
you may find it difficult to be alone. You may feel lonely and lost. The
thought of spending time just thinking about yourself may seem
pointless, self-indulgent, and a waste of time. In actuality it is your
greatest investment in yourself.
According to essayist William Deresiewicz, “solitude enables us
to secure the integrity of the self as well as to explore it.”[1] You may
shy away from time alone without the television or your phone close
at hand to provide noise and “connection.” However, don’t these
devices frequently make you feel more lonely? Loneliness doesn’t
come from being alone but rather from feeling the loss of being truly
known and accepted. Weren’t you lonely much of the time in your
relationship with the narcissist?
Task
Be brave and make time to sit quietly, doing nothing, and
experience being alive. This feels especially good done in nature. Sit
by a lake, walk in the woods, breathe in the air, feel the sun on your
back. Allow yourself to experience your bodily sensations and
emotions. You’re the person you can count on to always be there,
always be available to listen and to care about you more deeply than
anyone else. See yourself in your mind’s eye—strong, contented,
and confident. Remember the last time you felt this way. What was
your life like then? What would it take for you to feel that way again?
What hopes and dreams do you have? Think of a sentence that
embodies this feeling of strength and independence, and say it to
yourself. Remember it, and use it for encouragement.
When you are your own best friend, you’re self-possessed—that
is, you possess yourself. You’re independent of the passing moods
and opinions of others. You’ll find a deeper sense of well-being and
security when you know that you can always count on yourself.
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS
Go for Your Goals
When you’re independent and know what you feel and want,
you’re free to explore new ambitions, purposes, and goals. Some of
those goals may be things you wanted to do from years past, and
others may be new and surprising.
Task
This is a good time to create a bucket list. Write down as many
things as possible that you might like to do. Listing twenty, thirty, or
even fifty items allows your mind to float free and be creative. You
don’t have to commit to doing anything on this list. It’s just for fun.
For instance, “seeing the South Pole” is on my list. I really don’t want
to go there, but I love pictures and documentaries of that vast and
beautiful land. Let your fantasy soar. Open to yearnings and
aspirations that you didn’t previously consider.
Look over your list and see whether there are any patterns or
groups of things that appeal to you. Notice which items get you
excited and energized. Then start prioritizing. Select your top ten
favorite or most interesting choices, and ask yourself these
questions. Which items could you do right away? Which ones will
take some planning? Which things would you want to do alone? With
whom would you want to share these experiences? Keep working
with your list until you come up with your top three choices. When
you’re ready, start a planning sheet for each of these. From this
process, you’ll find that goals naturally develop and now you’ve
found some possible new adventures.
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
If you are not used to having goals and directions, you may find
a flood of emotions as you contemplate these new possibilities—
excitement, enthusiasm, anxiety, overwhelm, and just plain fear. The
most common fears are contradictory, such as fear of failure and
also the fear of success. No one wants to fail, but the possibility of
success also offers challenges that can be scary too. Either way
you’re going to learn a lot more about yourself.
Failure is not the same as being unsuccessful. Failure is a
thought or an evaluation of lost value or merit. Being unsuccessful is
simply a fact and is rarely total. Some part of anything that you do is
going to be successful. It just didn’t turn out completely the way you
wanted or expected. Post-It Notes are the result of an unsuccessful
experiment. The 3M Company was looking for a new kind of glue
and ended up with this less-than-effective semisticky substance.
Figuring out what to do with the results turned the catastrophe into
an amazingly useful and lucrative product. Not succeeding at what
you expected simply means that you’ve learned something, which
applied creatively, might eventually make your life better.
Fear of success is harder to visualize. It is correlated to
procrastination, hesitancy, not feeling deserving, and believing you’re
not good enough. Fear of success is evident when you worry about
what you’ll have to live up to or be called on to do next. For example,
I’ve heard past caretakers say “If I did find someone who is truly
loving and kind, I’m not sure I’d know how to act.” You’ve probably
heard that the most difficult thing to have happen is not getting what
you want, and the second most difficult is actually getting what you
asked for.
Taking the labels of failure and success off the table can make
your life more agreeable and greatly reduce your fears of the future.
Everything works out as it does. You have some power and influence
about how things happen, but you are never fully in control of
anything. Life is an improvisational dance moving this way and that.
As Tina Fey points out in her book Bossypants,[2] the first law of
improvisation is saying yes to what you’ve been given, and then
being creative. Yes, I’m getting divorced; what do I choose to do
now? Yes, I have to move out of my home; where would I like to live
instead? Yes, I can no longer be on the life path I chose ten years
ago; what path do I want to choose now?
Problem-Solving Techniques
Life is full of problems and new experiences that require choices
and decisions that are going to bring up more problems that you
don’t yet know how to handle. Problems feel the most overwhelming
when they’re vague and require you to change in some way that
you’re not familiar with. Here are some steps that will help.
Clarify the problem. First, is it even your problem? Identify why
and how the problem affects you. It’s easy to get overinvolved in
what other people need and how other people should be acting. If a
problem doesn’t directly affect you, reassess whether it is your
problem to solve. Second, put the problem into one sentence so you
can see it clearly. Third, specify the goal you wish to achieve. This’ll
help you move from a vague, uncomfortable situation to a specific
issue.
Visualize getting from the problem to the solution. Let your mind
move through different paths from the problem to the solution you
want. Keep rearranging the possible actions and reactions until you
find one that you like or can live with. This will help generate new
ideas. Let yourself think outside of the standard, expected actions
and even play with silly solutions. With each possible scenario,
assess the realistic results of how you would feel and how others
might respond so you don’t waste too much time on “magical
solutions,” which require you or others to suddenly change
personality or character.
Break up the problem into steps. When you have one or two
solution scenarios that you think have a real possibility of working,
break up the problem into steps along the solution path. Three to five
steps make a good start.
Identify the skills needed at each step. Make a list of your
current skills that will be needed to reach your goal. These include
personal abilities, such as internal strengths, interpersonal skills,
past successes, and specific talents and proficiencies.
Then identify any skills or techniques you’ll need to acquire to
solve this problem. Work on acquiring these skills only if they’re truly
necessary to reach your current step or goal. Don’t get sidetracked
by demanding so much that you get discouraged or another problem
is created, for example, “I need to learn how to use positive self-
statements instead of self-criticism,” not “I have to get over being
depressed.”
Recognize and collect your resources/supports. Who can you
call on to help you with this problem? That includes friends, family,
professionals, groups, and organizations that have abilities you
need, as well as any resources and expertise that you can call on for
assistance. Information from classes, workshops, and the Internet
can be collected. Figure out how much time you need to devote to
this problem and how much money you can and need to bring in to
help.
Create optimal functioning. What helps you operate at your
best? Various strategies may be helpful, such as thinking confidently,
using a positive attitude, avoiding distractions, taking breaks when
you need them, working with a partner, selecting a supportive
environment, and being persistent. When you know and accept your
strengths and weaknesses, you can create a working situation where
you can do your best.
So how do these problem-solving steps work together? Here’s
an example.
Clarify problem—I want to exchange the children with my
former spouse without letting him in my house and without a
fight.
Visualize—I see myself calm, standing on the porch waving
good-bye.
Steps—I’ll do the exchange on the porch. I’ll have the
children and all of their belongings ready and waiting. I’ll smile
and say hello. I’ll keep my voice calm and not make extra
conversation. I’ll stand in front of the door until they all leave. I’ll
then go inside and shut the door.
Skills—I have the right to decide who enters my home. I
have the ability to breathe and calm myself. I can choose what I
talk about. I can remind myself that I don’t have to agree or
respond to any negative comments. I can refrain from being
defensive by not talking.
Resources/supports—I’ll ask my friend, Sarah, to be at the
exchange with me. I’ll call my brother, Josh, and ask him to
remind me that I’m not alone and that I’m strong.
Optimal functioning—I’ll say encouraging words and
reminders to myself before the exchange. I’ll be prepared to say
no if he asks to come in. I’ll make sure that Sarah is here well
ahead of time. I’ll ask Sarah to nudge me if I start to say
something negative or defensive.
Review Your Success
The first time you deal with a particular situation or problem is
almost always the hardest. Each time you confront it, however, you
have another chance to improve your action plan and responses.
The more positive and encouraging you can be with yourself, the
easier it’ll be to deal with the situation the next time. When you look
back on how you handled things, give yourself credit for every step
and goal that you accomplished. Then let yourself look at what didn’t
go as well as planned and consider, without any criticism, what didn’t
work so you can create a plan to deal with that the next time. Watch
that you don’t ruminate on the negatives, but instead keep focused
on your new plan and visualize your success.
TRUST YOUR DECISIONS
Rely on Your Intuition
How often did your feelings tell you that things didn’t seem to be
working well in your relationship, but when you brought up your
concerns, the narcissist responded with denial, charm, and then
blame and hostility? Still, your intuition told you something wasn’t
satisfactory. Not trusting your intuition led you down the path to some
skewed thinking and resulted in decisions that you may be regretting
at this time. You may have ended up thinking that you were crazy, or
too needy or selfish, or totally mistaken in what you saw, heard, and
felt. Don’t ever let someone talk you out of your intuitive feelings
again.
Intuition is a subconscious ability to put together miniscule bits
of barely observable body language, tone of voice, and emotional
reactions and read those automatically and instantaneously to form
an impression of what is happening around you. It’s especially useful
in social interactions and to alert you to emotional or physical
danger. People who have high empathy tend to be excellent intuitive
responders.
As you disengage from the narcissist, you’ve probably
concluded that your intuitive feelings about certain situations with the
narcissist were, in fact, accurate. Even though you aren’t always
consciously aware of why you feel certain things, don’t discount
those reactions. Trust your intuition. Then gather enough information
and facts—not just what other people tell you—to verify or refute
what you feel. After that, if your feelings are still going with your first
reaction, rely on that response. The vast majority of the time, your
intuition will prove to be correct.
Decide for Yourself
You may have thought the narcissist made all the decisions in
your relationship, but in fact you participated in every one, often by
giving in repeatedly. Perhaps you were trying to be nice, or keep
from fighting, or save the relationship. However, it was actually a
delaying tactic that kept the real issues out of sight without settling
them. You have the responsibility to make decisions for yourself.
Being in a relationship or being married does not eliminate that
responsibility. If your spouse cheats on your income tax and is
caught, you have to pay the penalty too, even if you didn’t agree with
the choice. If he alienates your children, then you don’t get to see
them or be as close either. When you give up and let the narcissist
have his way, you are still making a decision, which often doesn’t
benefit you or others in your family.
Integrity and self-esteem are at the core of decisions that you’re
proud of and that are consistent with your values. From now on, be
aware and mindful of the decisions you are making in your life. Every
yes and no you put out into the world moves you down the path to
where you will be years later. Pay attention to your goals and be
cognizant of whether you are moving in the direction you desire.
Notice How You Feel Before Deciding
Sometimes decisions take days and months to accomplish, and
other decisions are made instantaneously. As you go through this
transition, notice how you feel during every step of every decision. If
your response isn’t a strong sense of yes, then you’ve probably not
yet found the right decision for yourself. That doesn’t mean you won’t
have any misgivings about whether you can achieve your goals—
you can’t predict the future. If the choice doesn’t feel good to you,
keep collecting information. Big decisions often include dozens of
small decisions along the way. Pay attention to how you feel about
each one, and you’ll find your path.
Count Your Successes
Seeing yourself moving toward your goals and the life you want
will help you feel stronger and more independent. Recognize and
positively affirm each step you take—even the small ones. It can be
tempting to just keep looking at what still needs to be done. When
you acknowledge your satisfaction with what you’ve accomplished,
you’ll feel more enthusiastic and energized to keep moving forward.
Keep your spirits and courage strong by counting all your successes.
You Can Always Decide Again
Few decisions are permanent. Don’t get stuck because you
think each decision, commitment, or new obligation is forever and
can never be changed. New information comes to you every day that
requires you to reassess whether your original decision is still the
appropriate one. Change is the only constant there is in life.
Adjusting decisions when new circumstances and new information
become known will make you more adaptable and happier.
LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF
Keep Your Own Best Interests in Mind
Caretaking results from an imbalance in giving and receiving.
That does not mean that you should stop giving, helping, and
accommodating the needs of others. However, it does mean you
should be equally aware of your own needs and interests. When
you’re giving to others, notice what you’re feeling in the moment and
afterward. Those who are appreciative will give you a very different
feeling than those who take you for granted or feel entitled. You have
a right to decide how much you give, to whom, and how often. Put
your energy where it will be valued and welcomed, and don’t be
blackmailed or coerced by social guilt, emotional threats, or pressure
to give more than you want.
Allow Others to Be Strong
You don’t always have to do everything yourself. Ask for help
when you need it. That allows others to feel valued and helpful.
However, be careful who you ask. The end of your relationship
means that it’s no longer appropriate to ask for extra favors and
special consideration from the narcissist. That will just lead to
hostility, anger, and disappointment. Let family and friends give to
you when you need help. Don’t think independence means you have
to be stoic, totally self-sufficient, and reject considerate offers from
others. Acceptance may be a good way to learn a better balance in
relationships.
CONCLUSION
Becoming independent is a combination of listening to your feelings
and needs, caring for yourself, visualizing your goals, and investing
in yourself. You may need to learn some new skills to deal with the
problems that appear, but every time you’re successful, you’ll feel
stronger and more competent. Passively waiting for someone else to
see what you need and take care of it for you is not a viable option
for happiness. There are so many possibilities available in the world
just waiting for you, but you have to have the courage to make new
decisions and take new actions to move forward.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What codependent behaviors did you have with the narcissist?
Do you know what your goals and passions are? How could you
find out more about these?
What fears keep you from being independent? From voicing
your needs? From sharing your feelings?
Try out the problem-solving techniques on a current problem.
What did you discover?
How accurate is your intuition? Do you feel that you trust your
intuition enough?
How well do you congratulate yourself and enjoy your
successes? How could you do this more?
Overall, how independent do you think you are at this time?
When do you let others help you? What do you believe you
should be doing on your own?
What advantages would there be for you if you became more
independent?
NOTES
1. Deresiewicz, William. “The End of Solitude,” essay published in
The Chronicle of Higher Education, January 30, 2009. Retrieved
from http://www.hermitary.com/solitude/deresiewicz.html.
2. Fey, Tina. Bossypants. New York, NY: Reagan Arthur/Little Brown,
Reprint Edition, 2014.
V
Transform Your Life
NEW WAYS OF LIVING AND LOVING
When you quit taking on the caretaker role in a relationship, you will
greatly reduce your likelihood of getting into another relationship with
a narcissist. You will be able to see the signs of narcissism more
easily, even when the narcissist is trying to hide them from you. And
since you won’t be jumping in to respond to the narcissist’s tests,
you will no longer be as attractive to narcissists. In addition, your
self-esteem will be high enough that the narcissist’s lure of taking
over your life with his charm will not be appealing to you.
In this last section, we will be exploring the process of
forgiveness. It is the last step in putting your past relationship to rest.
Forgiveness isn’t done for the other person; it is really a process that
allows you to fully let go and move on with your life. Forgiving a
narcissist is a unique experience because the narcissist will continue
doing his selfish and hurtful behaviors. This is not a one-time
behavior you are dealing with but a continuing pattern. Even though
forgiveness may take years, it is worth the effort.
There is also a chapter on techniques for releasing the past,
which brings together all that we have covered in previous chapters.
After you have healed, your willingness to be in your life as it is now
unleashes energy and enthusiasm. It opens up opportunities to
create a life that is more to your liking and more reflective of your
unique talents, abilities, and interests. You may even begin to
contemplate the fact that the end of this relationship was one of the
most important and growth-promoting experiences of your life. It
opened the door to your being more of who you are. You are
changed. You are stronger. You are more aware.
You are ready to reach out and find deeply loving friendships
and love relationships that can really fulfill your dreams. When you
love and appreciate yourself, you create loving energy for others.
Being open to loving again can be scary considering what you have
experienced. When you stay aware of the red flags and are already
headed down the path you want your life to follow, you have a much
greater probability of success. Knowing what real love looks like and
feels like gives you the criteria to make positive choices.
Where your life is headed depends on your intentions. When
you know what your goals are, you have a greater possibility of
reaching them. Repurposing your dreams and rewriting the old
messages you grew up with can bring you closer to your true life
direction. It is in your hands.
Chapter 15
Forgiveness
“Life’s purpose of happiness can be gained only if people
cultivate the basic human values of compassion, caring and
forgiveness.”
—The Dali Lama
Forgiveness is a natural stage in the process of healing. It
begins when you give up your resentment and need for revenge or
payback. Forgiveness usually comes when you’re close to feeling
whole and reconciled with what has happened and you’re ready to
let the past be as it was and move forward. It helps to have an
understanding of what happened and why so you can place what
you’ve gone through in perspective. And finally, when you’ve found
meaning in your pain and suffering, forgiveness occurs more easily.
Obviously, this takes time.
Pushing yourself to forgive before you are ready only makes you
feel unworthy, guilty, and inadequate. Many years working with
clients has made it clear to me that forgiveness doesn’t happen until
you reach acceptance of the narcissist and yourself just as you are.
Too often people try to force themselves to forgive before they are
healed. Let yourself go through the entire process of grief and
healing. After you have seen the full scope of your relationship with
the narcissist, you’ll have a better idea of what you are forgiving the
narcissist for and also be able to forgive yourself for being taken
advantage of. They go together.
EMPATHY
Empathy Versus Sympathy
Empathy is a significant element in the process of forgiveness.
However, empathy is easily confused with sympathy, and sympathy
is not an effective way to reach forgiveness. Empathy is the deep
understanding of and compassion for another person’s feelings,
reactions, and experiences, whereas sympathy is actually
experiencing the other person’s feelings and perspective. Caretakers
are very good at sympathizing, but true empathy can be more
elusive. In sympathy, you are joining and going into the emotional
experience of the other person. When the narcissist was sad, you
felt miserable too; when he was angry, it triggered your anger; when
he felt lonely, you felt responsible. Sympathy pulls you into the
experience, and as a result, you become part of the drama. It can
eventually trigger resentment in you because the other person isn’t
appreciative enough of your efforts. Real empathy doesn’t activate
resentment or a need for repayment.
Empathy Requires Boundaries
Empathy is actually harder to do because it requires you to keep
your boundaries. You remain one step out of the drama. You are
tuned in to the other person with deep compassion while
endeavoring to understand his or her feelings. Staying that one step
away allows you to be compassionate without being drawn in to play
a part in the drama. This is exactly what therapists train for years to
do. It is also why being empathetic with people you deeply love and
are emotionally enmeshed with is extremely difficult. Narcissists
expect and demand sympathetic responses from their loved ones.
They want you to feel what they are feeling. They want their pain to
be your pain. To forgive the narcissist, you’ll have to be able to step
out of the drama and see the experience with some objective
perspective and understanding. It is also hard to reach forgiveness
when the narcissist’s selfish behaviors are still causing you pain.
Janice thought that she was being empathetic to Jason’s
explanations about not being able to send all of her support
payments on time. His checks were coming later and later in the
month until one month she didn’t get a check. After talking with her
therapist, she realized that she actually felt sorry for him and not
empathy. She had not been paying enough attention to her own
needs. She notified the district attorney and had the payments made
through the court. Later she found out he didn’t send the last check
because he had used the money for his honeymoon in Hawaii. Her
sympathy had allowed her to be hurt again.
Empathy Is Nonjudgmental
Empathy also requires you to be nonjudgmental. There is no
criticism in true compassion. As you work on forgiving the narcissist
and yourself, you need to be aware of any hurts and offenses that
you’re still hanging onto and let them go. Letting go is not the same
as forgetting. It means you no longer replay the hurtful experiences
over in your mind to get that jolt of righteous anger or, conversely, to
fuel your sympathetic reconnection with the narcissist. Condemning
yourself or the narcissist does neither of you any good in the
present. It will not erase what happened, nor will it keep you safe in
the future.
Being nonjudgmental is an enormous challenge. You counted
on the narcissist for love, caring, emotional and financial support,
companionship, and acceptance, and the narcissist did not fulfill his
promises and commitments to these things. This was hurtful and
damaging to you and had a permanent effect on your life. It’s hard to
let go of your sense of maltreatment and negligence when you’re still
interacting or depending on the narcissist for anything.
When you see and accept the emotional disability that is at the
heart of narcissism, it can make it easier to be less judgmental. You
don’t have to let go of your real observations, negative evaluations,
or even your dislike of the narcissist’s behaviors. Forgiveness is
more of a neutral stance in which you no longer honestly care about
the narcissist in relation to yourself. You can see him from a
distance, rather like the stranger he is.
Acceptance and Empathy
So how do you accept the narcissist? By now, you may have
read several books or searched the Internet for information on
understanding the narcissist. This book is designed to help you
understand your experiences with the narcissist. Your relationship
with the narcissist is or was a complicated dance based on delusion
and confusion. To accept the narcissist, it helps to understand that
you and the narcissist are quite different in how you view the world,
relationships, love, commitment, caring, and much more. And your
two viewpoints will never come together. The narcissist isn’t likely to
understand you, nor is he likely to change.
Being empathetic means seeing and holding in your mind these
differences while at the same time acknowledging your common
humanity, fallibility, and the psychological disturbance that is or was
a part of your relationship. You have the ability to change what you
do and become more emotionally healthy, but the narcissist will
probably always be handicapped and stunted in his ability to do so.
Acknowledging the narcissist’s damaged logic, low empathy, and
faulty insight can help you move to a more compassionate stance
without losing your own point of view.
Andrew kept trying to get “closure” with his narcissistic former
wife, Rhonda. He wanted her to tell him what he had done to make
her so hostile, blaming, and mean to him. He also wanted her to
understand how he felt when she had acted that way. It was a
struggle for him to comprehend that she had no idea why she acted
the way she did. Each time they had a conversation, she would give
him entirely different explanations for her behavior. Usually, the talks
left Andrew more confused than before.
With the help of the Caretaker Recovery group, Andrew came to
understand the mental illness of narcissism. He realized that Rhonda
didn’t know and couldn’t explain why she acted the way she did. He
had been feeling angry and hurt in their conversations, but after the
group meetings, he mostly thought of her as disabled and
emotionally immature.
TRYING TO UNDERSTAND
Motivation—Intentional Versus Accidental
Usually it’s much easier to forgive accidental behaviors than
intentional ones. However, it’s very difficult, even for professionals, to
sort out which of the narcissist’s behaviors are due to their poorly
functioning brain wiring, what they have learned they can get away
with, or what they do on purpose just to get their own way. You have
no ability to make the narcissist change, and he has little chance of
significant self-understanding. So this confusion will probably remain.
Mental Illness
Narcissism is considered to be an “enduring and pervasive”[1]
mental illness. Without insight, enormous determination, and
constant self-surveillance of their behaviors, narcissists cannot make
the changes that would be necessary for them to give you what you
would rightfully expect in a reciprocal relationship.
When you’ve been directly and negatively affected by these
narcissistic responses, it may be difficult to have compassion for the
narcissist’s frantic, frightened, and delusional world. It’s easier to
reach forgiveness when you can separate your life from the
narcissist’s. When you have more distance and can keep your
emotional boundaries, you can see and feel compassion for the
narcissist’s emotional illness more easily.
It Feels So Personal
Keep reminding yourself that nothing the narcissist says, does,
feels, or thinks has anything to do with who you are or what you’ve
done. Your best emotional protection is never to take anything—
negative or positive—that the narcissist says or does as the real
truth about yourself. Instead, rely on your own observations and the
responses and feedback from friends and family who are emotionally
healthy. When you disengage your self-esteem from the effect of the
narcissist, you’ll find yourself on more solid and sane footing.
Knowing that narcissists are a whirling dervish in their own made-up
world can help you move toward forgiveness.
ACCEPT HUMAN FRAILTY
No One Is Perfect
Coming to a sense of forgiveness is easier when you remember
that no one is perfect. The narcissist has treated you badly, but you
also know that you have not been your best self around him either.
As you get to a point of restored wholeness and healing, it’ll be
easier to forgive such huge shortcomings and defects in the
narcissist, as well as your own defensive reactions.
If you aren’t ready to forgive yet, don’t scold or judge yourself or
demand that you get there right now. Be accepting of where you are.
Acceptance of yourself “as you are” is a great foundation for
eventual forgiveness. Remember that acceptance does not mean
you agree with or condone these behaviors. Rather it is a state of no
longer protesting, demanding, or expecting the narcissist to be
anything other than who he is.
What Part Did/Do You Play?
Because caretakers are usually too eager to accept
responsibility for “making” the narcissist behave negatively,
understanding your part in the drama is tricky. The narcissist
behaves the way he does because of his own thoughts, feelings, and
choices. So do you. Yes, it’s easy to get pulled into demented and
dysfunctional interactions with the narcissist, but you have a much
greater ability to act differently than the narcissist does. You have
greater control over your behavior, and you don’t have the
narcissist’s delusions.
When you no longer feel susceptible to the narcissist’s
manipulation, insults, and biased opinions, you’re on the path to
forgiveness. You may be surprised that taking responsibility for your
own reactions around the narcissist can give you insight, confidence,
and the courage to protect yourself better and be more forgiving. As
you feel stronger and more in control of your life, you’ll find that you
are more compassionate and able to forgive the frailties of others.
Juanita hated the fights she used to get into with Manny. He
would call her names or demean her suggestions, and she would
instantly be angry and shout at him. It wasn’t until after they were
divorced that she understood how insecure and intimidated she had
felt around him. When Juanita heard stories about his volatile moods
from her two adult daughters, her anger would flare up again.
However, the girls didn’t get upset with their dad the way Juanita did.
They’d just stay away from him when he was aggravating and then
enjoy being with him when he was more positive. Eventually, Juanita
saw that she’d been using anger to protect herself from pain and
vulnerability. When she became more disengaged and cared less
about Manny’s opinions of her, she no longer needed anger to
protect herself. It dwindled away, and so too did her old pain.
Practicing Humility
Not only did the narcissist grow up with other narcissists, but
you too most likely grew up in a family with a parent or grandparent
who had a personality disorder or similar behaviors. You probably
learned during childhood to accommodate, adapt, and resign
yourself to crazy relationship patterns. However, a big difference is
that you didn’t inherit the brain wiring and emotional dysfunction that
keeps the narcissist so mired in his contrary and skewed thinking
and reacting. If you have a family member with a personality
disorder, you were just plain lucky not to have inherited the same
disability. You can see the misery he has in his life and the misery he
causes for others. You’ve had many challenges caused by the
narcissist in your life; however, I doubt that you’d ever choose to
exchange places with him. You can get away from the effects of
those inner demons, but the narcissist can’t.
LET GO OF GRIEVANCES
Let Go of Trying to Control and Punish
Forgiveness includes letting go of trying to control or punish the
narcissist for his behaviors. You definitely need to protect yourself
from future harm as much as possible. However, trying to change
narcissists, giving them ultimatums, or stipulating behaviors that
must be accomplished before you forgive only keeps you entangled
in continuing turmoil and dysfunction. It isn’t your job, nor is it
possible, for you to make the narcissist see his mistakes or change
his behaviors. Forgiveness isn’t dependent on the other person’s
shaping up or changing. You are not the monitor of the narcissist’s
behavior. Forgiveness is about your letting go.
Release Your Shame and Guilt
You’ll continue to be caught up in shame and guilt if you
continue to think you’re responsible for the narcissist’s moods and
behaviors. When you fully realize that the narcissist’s opinions and
perspective are no longer important to you, your shame and guilt will
soften and dissolve. Forgiveness comes from a place of acceptance
of yourself and the other person. There is no room for disgrace,
humiliation, or culpability. Keep checking on how your shame and
guilt are healing and dissolving, and notice how you feel stronger as
you let them go.
Let Go of Resentment and Revenge
Resentment and revenge feelings eat at your well-being and do
nothing to change anything about the narcissist. Any strong,
negative feelings you have toward the narcissist will be used by him
to keep you attached and enmeshed. Once you become the
narcissist’s enemy, he will enjoy seeing you upset and angry.
Narcissists feed off any energy, both negative and positive, that you
send in their direction. You may think you’d get a feeling of
satisfaction from seeing the narcissist crushed, but that’s usually
short-lived and doesn’t make a difference in your future. Moving on
with your own life toward love, joy, and contentment is your best
revenge.
FIND NEW MEANING
Finding new meaning and purpose in your life as the result of what
you’ve suffered can help a great deal toward moving you in the
direction of forgiveness. Writing about this disorder and offering help
to others who have been harmed by it have led me to a deeper
understanding of my own experiences and increased my strength
and resilience tremendously. Robert Enright, prominent researcher
and author on forgiveness, says,
there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering . . . focus
more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to
others in need . . . speaking your truth . . . strengthening your
inner resolve . . . [and] use your suffering to become more loving
and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of
itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.[2]
What insights, new competencies, and greater understanding,
strength, and compassion have you gained in this process of
healing? If you have trouble seeing those for yourself, ask your
friends and family to help you make a list. Validating what you’ve
gained helps your healing more than looking at what you’ve lost.
When you see yourself as tougher, firmer, and stronger, you’ll find
that forgiveness is more natural.
You’re now learning more about yourself than you may have
ever wanted to learn. What are you going to do with this new
information? How can you use these new insights to make your life
and the lives of others better? What opportunities have opened up?
What new directions for your energies and abilities are you
discovering? How can you use these challenging experiences to put
what you have learned to good use?
GETTING TO FORGIVENESS
The forgiveness of others, and especially the narcissist, is important
for your complete healing. You may find yourself able to forgive
certain words or actions but not others. Take it one piece at a time.
Forgive what you can, and keep working on letting go. Some things
can take years to fully release. For example, one client couldn’t
forgive her former husband for teasing and demeaning her children
until they reached adulthood. Only after she had evidence that they
were strong, capable, and not indelibly harmed could she finally let
go of her anger and reach forgiveness.
Forgiveness Changes You, Not the Other Person
Forgiveness may help the other person, but primarily it makes
important changes in you. It is the final step in your healing. When
you forgive another person, something inside of you lets go of the
final piece of victimization. It probably won’t completely eliminate
your hurt or even all of your anger, although it might. It’s an act that
comes from strength and also gives you strength. It facilitates letting
go of your ruminating, hostility, and rage. Continually thinking about
a past injury will keep that memory in the present, whereas
forgiveness lets it go. Forgiveness brings you to peace and allows
the hurtful event to recede into your memory, where it should be.
You do not need to tell the narcissist that you forgive him. In
fact, I don’t recommend it. An angry narcissist will use it against you
at some point, and a narcissist who has moved on doesn’t care.
Narcissists don’t think they have done anything that warrants
forgiveness anyway, so what’s the point? Narcissists tend to be
enraged or dismissive of your efforts, and that response can be
newly damaging.
Forgiving Yourself
Forgiveness is a two-part process. You forgive others when they
have harmed or victimized you, but being victimized in this highly
independent and self-sufficient culture almost always brings feelings
of guilt and shame. You may be angry at yourself for being gullible,
taken in, or misused. Undoubtedly, you also had your own defensive,
angry reactions to the narcissist’s behaviors that you feel guilty
about.
It may help you to know that even trained professional therapists
are regularly manipulated by narcissists and respond inappropriately.
Narcissists are clever and highly motivated to break down your
emotional defenses. They are excellent actors and amazingly
talented at protecting themselves. They fully believe that everyone
else is responsible for how they feel and what they do, so no arguing
or logic will sway their opinions. You end up feeling infuriated and
foolish.
How many other people do you know who have been deceived
and misled by the narcissist in your life? Do you think those people
are stupid, foolish, or daft? Do you judge them for falling under the
thrall of the narcissist’s charisma? If you find yourself criticizing or
judging them negatively, then you are probably still feeling victimized
and will need to continue to work on forgiving yourself. Keep working
on seeing your strengths and valuing your gains while letting go of
your shame and guilt. This process can take more time than you
might expect.
MOVING ON
It’s Not About Forgetting
I do not think the old adage “Forgive and forget” is a wise choice
for caretakers. Narcissists like to gloss over their misbehaviors, deny
the hurt they have caused, and lure you into feeling guilt or shame
for your reactions. You do not want to get lulled into thinking the
narcissist will be nicer in the future. As long as the narcissist is in
your life in any way, be prepared to deflect, disengage, and protect
yourself from potential harm. One of the reasons you stayed so long
in this manipulative relationship was your mental collusion to
diminish and forget the narcissist’s injurious behaviors. It will
continue to be important that you are aware the narcissist will keep
behaving just as he always has. Don’t expect anything different until,
and if, you ever see long-term changes in his moods and behaviors.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget the reality of the
narcissist’s dismissive and hurtful behaviors. Always be prepared.
Anger Doesn’t Protect You
You may think you want to hold on to your anger to protect
yourself from ever being tricked or controlled again. Anger does not
protect you. You were probably frequently angry throughout your
relationship with the narcissist, but that anger didn’t keep you from
getting hurt, nor did it stop the narcissist’s behaviors.
Anger is a strong energetic emotion. It can get you motivated
and activated to take care of yourself; leave the relationship; or to
take on new and scary endeavors, such as getting a job, moving out,
and being on your own. However, when you’re angry at the
narcissist, you’re still attached, connected, and entangled with him.
Continued anger indicates that you’re still emotionally involved with
the narcissist. Disengagement from the narcissist’s power and
influence over your emotions and your life is the only way to
effectively protect yourself. Forgiveness won’t fully happen until your
anger has dissipated enough that you no longer get strongly
reactivated by the narcissist’s new, obnoxious behaviors.
After you’ve forgiven behaviors of the past, it is your
responsibility to keep yourself away from further damaging
interactions. Your new strength, resilience, awareness, and
understanding of the narcissist and yourself will be better defenses
and protection than anger.
Moving from Victim to Empowerment
The amazing thing about forgiveness is that it moves you from
feeling like a victim to being empowered. It’s a position of strength
and potency. It feels much better than shame, guilt, resentment, or
fear. Acknowledging what you’ve learned and gained from this
challenging and arduous experience can liberate and energize you
to move forward. Forgiveness helps you relegate your anger and
hurt to the past. It’s over. Even if or when you have contact with the
narcissist again, you’re forever changed and a more resilient person.
Your participation in his drama is over.
Disconnect Your Energy from the Narcissist
Emotionally disconnecting and walking away is the only way to
“win” and the only way to end the narcissist’s manipulation over you.
It is your best protection from further harm and helps you regain
power over your own life. It’s hard to reach forgiveness with
someone who is still doing the same harmful behaviors toward you,
but when you stop caring and emotionally disconnect, you will feel
safer, stronger, and more willing to forgive and move on.
CONCLUSION
Forgiveness moves you into the present, and encourages old, hurtful
memories to recede into the past. Empathy and understanding help
you see the disorder of narcissism more objectively. As you heal,
you can also have compassion for your anger and reactions, and
you are more able to let go of your grievances, guilt, and resentment.
You may even find new meaning for your life. Forgiveness is for your
healing and can come only when you are ready and able to let go.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
How much sympathy are you doing instead of empathy?
What boundaries do you still need to put into place with the
narcissist?
What judgments are you holding onto about the narcissist?
What does the narcissist say and do that still feels personally
about you?
What self-judgments and criticisms do you still need to release?
What responses or reactions to the narcissist do you want to
stop doing?
What lingering resentments do you have toward the narcissist?
What do you feel when you think about completely disengaging
emotionally from the narcissist?
What do you still need to heal before you are ready to forgive?
What strengths, skills, and insights have you gained through this
process?
What new meanings and purposes in your life are you
discovering?
NOTES
1. Task Force on DSM-IV. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders, 4th Edition. American Psychiatric Association,
Washington, DC, 2005, p. 633.
2. Enright, Robert. “Eight Steps Towards Forgiveness.” Adapted from
8 Keys to Forgiveness. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Co., 2015.
Accessed through DailyGood.org.
Chapter 16
Coming Home to Yourself
“Never let yesterday use up too much of today.”
—Will Rogers
BE HERE NOW
Being in the moment is healing. It is also the only thing that is truly
possible. You can’t actually go back to the past and change
anything, and the future isn’t here yet. Although you can plan for the
future, you’re not in control of what actually happens in the long run.
So this present moment is actually what you have to work with.
The present moment is healing partly because of what your
mind tends to do with those lingering past memories and future
imaginings. When you spend a lot of time thinking about the past,
you tend to feel either nostalgic for what you remember as pure and
wonderful, or you feel guilty for what you did—or for what you didn’t
do perfectly. On the other hand, most thoughts about the future are
either fantasies that are likely to lead to disappointment or thoughts
that bring up fears and anxiety about what might happen that you
want to avoid. Spending too much time thinking about either the past
or the future keeps you anxious and guilty and also keeps you from
noticing what is happening in the present. This means that you’re not
here in reality, you’re not paying attention, and you’re not enjoying or
dealing with whatever is going on right now in your life.
Living with the narcissist was all about the past and the future
because the present was often too painful and confusing to deal
with. The narcissist kept blaming you for his past mistakes while
promising a new and more wonderful future. You kept trying to
analyze the past to figure out what to expect next. You tried to hold
on to hope for a future that would be better than you were currently
experiencing. The present was the last place you probably wanted to
be.
What Being Present Feels Like
To have a happier life, you need to relearn how to live in the
present. The following exercise is designed to help you become
aware of what now feels like. You might want to record it and then
play it back so you can enjoy the experience.
Task
Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Let your shoulders drop.
Notice any sounds you hear. Notice the air on your skin. Now pay
attention to how your body feels. Do a quick check in with each area
of your body, all the way from your head down to your neck,
shoulders, arms, hands, back, chest, stomach, hips, thighs, calves,
and feet. If anything feels tight or painful just touch that area and
gently rub it for a moment or two. Keep breathing as you do this.
Now notice whether you are in a safe place. Is there any threat
around you at this moment? Is anything bad happening right now?
Notice whether your body is relaxed or on alert. If all is safe, let your
body relax out of its alert mode. Observe how it feels to not be on
alert. If you can’t relax very much, just notice that.
What feelings you are experiencing? Are you sad, depressed, or
demoralized? Notice how these feelings are about the past. Are you
anxious, worried, or apprehensive? These feelings are about the
future. Try to be here in only this one moment, no thoughts of the
past and no thoughts about the future. How does that feel? Take a
deep breath and open your eyes.
Notice how your body feels after doing this exercise. Are your
thoughts different in any way? How long did it take you to do the
exercise? This is how quickly you can feel better. Being in the
present moves you away from most of what makes your life unhappy
—negative experiences from the past and anxiety and fears of the
future.
It is unlikely that you’re going to do that exercise every minute of
the day, but you could do it once in the morning and then right before
you go to bed. You’ll find that you feel much more relaxed and
aware.
Practicing the Now
As you practice being in the present, you’ll find that you’re more
aware of what is going on around you and that you’re less easily
confused or fooled by the narcissist’s crazy rhetoric. You’ll be better
able to identify what you are feeling, which then leads you to being
aware of what you want to do in each situation. It will help you make
choices that feel good to you. You’re likely to notice that you actually
feel better being present than you may have expected. So here is an
on-the-go method to check in with yourself designed by Debra
Burdick.[1] This exercise uses the acronym SOLAR, making it easy to
remember.
Stop and notice what is going on around you. Especially
notice how you’re feeling and thinking at that moment.
Observe, identify, and accept. Observe what is happening
and what you’re feeling. Identify the behaviors, thoughts, and
feelings that are happening, without making any judgments,
criticisms, or decisions at this moment. Accept that what you’re
observing and feeling right now is true.
Let it go. Don’t get into a drama with the situation, the
thought, or the feeling right now. All you need to do is say to
yourself “That’s interesting.” Almost nothing has to be decided,
changed, or solved at this specific moment. Let it be until you
have time to reflect on whether it’s even important to consider
further.
And return your attention to whatever you were doing.
This whole awareness tool can take only seconds to do. The
step that takes the most practice is learning to observe—and accept.
In the past, you would likely see a situation, or notice a thought, or
feel a strong emotion, but you probably didn’t do all three together.
It’s important to identify and name all three so you collect all the
information necessary to decide later whether there is anything you
want to do about what is happening. Acceptance is key. One way to
help yourself accept without judgment is to start out with the word
yes. Here’s an example based on the SOLAR technique.
Your former spouse is coming to pick up the rest of his
belongings from your house. In the past you have worried for
hours about seeing him. Your stomach would churn, and your
mind would race through dozens of old memories and hurts.
Just seeing him would make you feel horrible about yourself. So
here is something to try instead.
Stop. When you start to worry, stop and notice the thoughts
and feelings you’re having. Mostly you notice they are all
about the past. Bring yourself to today, this minute.
Observe. Identify the thoughts and feelings that scare you,
such as I’m so scared he’ll say something nasty to me.
Notice this thought is about the future. Bring yourself back
to the present. Instead of ignoring your anxiety or being
ashamed or mad at yourself, just notice and say Yes, that is
what I feel. Accept that he is likely to act the way he always
has, and remember who you know yourself to be. I’m
anxious, but I can get through this. I know I’m a good
person, and I don’t have to believe anything he says about
me.
Let it go. Remind yourself that it no longer has to matter
what he says or does. You have already collected his things
together. It will be over and done in a few minutes, which
you know you can handle. You breathe, calm yourself, and
do your relaxing techniques.
And return to what you were doing before.
Now you can decide if you want to do anything more to help
resolve the feelings you’re having. SOLAR helps you see more
clearly what you’re thinking and feeling so you can decide what you
want to do. You’re no longer ruminating and spiraling into worry and
anxiety and feeling helpless. You have brought yourself into the
present, where you can make a choice about what to do. Perhaps
your anxiety is so high that you don’t want to be present at all when
he comes to get his belongings. Maybe you feel you could handle
things more comfortably if a friend, your lawyer, your therapist, or a
neighbor were there with you. Possibly you feel strong enough to
handle it on your own. Knowing what you actually feel in the present
helps you decide what plan will be best for you.
When you have a plan in place, you can let the worry go
because your thoughts are no longer being pulled into a fantasy
drama about some horrific, imaginary unknown that might happen.
Beware of Distractions
There are a million ways to distract yourself from being alive and
present in your life. How do you distract yourself? When do you use
distraction the most? Do you perhaps try to avoid feelings that you
don’t like, such as needs you are ashamed of or hopes and dreams
that you don’t feel you deserve to pursue?
One client said she spent hours playing computer solitaire. I had
her do the SOLAR exercise while playing solitaire to see what she
could discover. She observed that she felt lonely, numb, and
disgusted with herself. Instead of distracting herself from these
feelings, I suggested that she quietly sit and observe them. She was
too anxious to do that at home alone, so she sat in my office with her
eyes closed and identified each thought and feeling that surfaced. I
coached her to stop any self-criticism.
She discovered that she was, indeed, lonely, but far from numb.
She was angry, hurt, depressed, and despondent. The act of labeling
her feelings made her aware that she was an outgoing person who
was shutting herself in her home for fear of meeting her former
narcissistic spouse in public and having an emotional reaction.
Together, we devised a plan for her to socialize with friends at home
or go out with a group so she felt free but surrounded and protected
by allies and supporters.
Distractions are OK in the short term, but if they become a habit,
you’re just putting off the inevitable. Your feelings and needs don’t go
away. If you don’t pay attention to them, they get more persistent, or
they go underground and can eventually turn into depression, self-
doubt, and anxiety. That was likely the state you were in when you
were with the narcissist. Your feelings and needs were invisible and
rarely got any attention. Don’t do that to yourself now.
Stop Tuning Out
In your relationship with the narcissist, you devised many ways
to tune out, avoid, discount, or devalue your own interests,
preferences, and needs. You were so willing to give in to the
narcissist that you may have even forgotten what you liked and
disliked. It’s time to tune in to yourself again. You can’t expect people
to read your mind or be able to guess what you are wanting and
needing. Make your preferences known. Ask others for help.
One client who had learned never to ask for anything from her
former narcissistic husband haltingly and with some nervousness
asked her friend to water her African violets while she was on
vacation. She was amazed and relieved when her friend said, “Yes,
of course. What are friends for?” You don’t have to give up your own
needs to have friends who care about you. Be who you are. Expose
your special interests, your likes and dislikes, and your honest
feelings. That is a great way to sift through all the people you meet to
find the ones whom you truly like and who resonate with you.
RELEASE THE PAST
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda
There are literally thousands of past interactions that you could
look back on with the knowledge, experience, and information you
have now and say I could have, would have, or should have done
something different. There are many fallacies in this thinking.
Those interactions and experiences made you who you are
today. You couldn’t do then what you can do now because
you’re now different.
You’ve gained information and knowledge about yourself
and the other person since then that you couldn’t use at the time
because you didn’t know it.
You’re probably mistaken about the amount of power and
ability you had then to change things—especially with a
narcissist.
You can’t go back and change the past. This whole line of
retroactive, negative self-judgment is a big waste of energy and
just makes you feel bad about yourself.
What you can do instead is figure out what you want to do now
when these situations come up again. Use the phrase “I will
________ or I choose to _______.” Identify what you’ll say or do in
that instance. Then file it away for future use. I’ve noticed repeatedly
that when you figure out a good way to deal with a situation that was
difficult in the past, that situation rarely comes up again. When you
handle problem interactions effectively, they don’t tend to reappear
as often. Chewing over old experiences doesn’t help protect or
prepare you to handle them in the future, but having a plan makes a
huge difference.
What Are You Still Hanging On To?
Too much time absorbed in injuries from the past brings up hurt,
guilt, and doubts that are typically not useful for moving on in your
life. Hanging on to these old grievances is much more harmful than
helpful. As you’re ending this relationship, now is a good time to
neutralize these old injustices. The following exercise shows you a
way to reduce the effect of past hurts.
Task
Make a list of the old situations that still hurt and make you
angry. Choose one to work on. What would you like to have said or
done that would have felt better to you? Write down your new
response. Notice how this new response feels. You can even go one
step further and play out the new response scenario in your mind in
a strong and confident manner. Whenever that memory comes back,
replay it with your new response. You may be surprised that over
time the memory may eventually change to the new version. Use this
technique with the other hurtful memories on your list and see them
dissolve into the past, where they belong.
Repurpose Your Dreams
Sometimes it’s hard to release the past because it contains old
dreams, hopes, and goals. Many hurtful experiences with the
narcissist are about those dreams and hopes being ruined. You
wanted a loving relationship, a partnership, and a feeling of safety
and love. You thought you were building a life together, saving
money for your dream goals, buying a home, having children. Many
of these dreams were tarnished or demolished by the narcissist’s
actions. It’s time to repurpose your dreams so you can discharge this
pain and regain your hopes for the future.
Almost everything you wanted to do with the narcissist can be
done on your own or with somebody else. There may need to be
adjustments in the where, when, and how, but your core dreams are
part of who you are and are not dependent on the narcissist. You are
the fundamental source of these dreams. You just previously thought
the narcissist was going to be a part of them. Even though the
narcissist is now off in another direction, you can still move forward.
Task
One definition of a dream is something notable for its beauty,
excellence, or enjoyable quality. Make a list—with specific details—
of your fondest hopes and dreams for your life. Here’s an example
from one of my clients.
Dream Details
Have
a loving
family
Loving means understanding, empathy, calm, safe, secure, and
genuine.
Family means people I’m related to or feel very, very close to.
Marriage (Oops! That’s a different dream.)
Family means children. I don’t have children. Now I’ll probably never
have kids. I really want to be around children. Whose children? In what
ways can I be around children? Possible interactions with children: My
sister has two boys. I also teach piano lessons to kids.
Using this list helped my client realize she had several viable
and enjoyable options for a greater feeling of family. She decided to
spend more time with her sisters family and her nephews, especially
on holidays and vacations, and she began attending the boys’
sporting events. She also remembered that she had had a dream of
creating a community of piano teachers, students, and parents,
which she had let go of previously because her narcissistic husband
dismissed it as “stupid and boring.” She designed several social
events and recitals that brought people together and eventually
helped raise money for scholarships for children who wanted but
couldn’t afford music lessons. Out of her loneliness and dream of
family and community, she found a way to connect, enjoy
companionship, and use her interests and skills where they helped
others and were greatly appreciated. This didn’t look like her original
dream from her twenties, which was based on a husband and
children of her own, but it fulfilled all of the basic elements of what
she truly needed today, in her late forties, for a sense of family,
contentment, and fulfillment. Almost every dream can be repurposed
if you give it enough thought.
Other Exercises for Releasing
Intrusive, painful memories or thoughts can come up
unexpectedly from your subconscious mind. That part of your mind
responds and works more commonly in images or feelings, so
symbolic gestures can often help to redirect and reprogram it. Here
are some ideas from former clients.
Box up all of your pictures of the narcissist and tape it
closed. Put the box in storage until you are ready to let it go
completely, burn the box, or throw the box in the trash.
Rip up or burn your wedding outfit.
Sell the presents the narcissist gave you. Use the money to
do something fun.
Clean everything out of your house that reminds you of the
narcissist. Give it away.
Block, unfriend, and delete digital references to the
narcissist on all your devices.
When old, negative memories come to mind, imagine
clicking to a different channel.
Buy a new bed, new sheets, and/or new dishes.
Rearrange the furniture.
Go to your old, favorite places with new friends. Make new
experiences there.
Start a new exercise routine. It’s amazing how this can
change your thoughts and feelings.
Learn a new skill. Give your mind something new to think
about.
Now add your ideas.
Let Go of the Narcissist’s Image of You
You’re nothing like the picture the narcissist has of you. When
you got involved, he created a dream image of you that was
idealized and put you on a pedestal. The image had some of the
qualities and traits you have, but it wasn’t you. After the narcissist
kicked you off the pedestal, his description of you was almost
entirely opposite from the original picture. You aren’t that image
either. When you continue to carry around in your mind the
narcissist’s depiction of you, it will be difficult to see yourself
accurately or to be free of your worry about what the narcissist thinks
of you.
It’s time to completely let go of the narcissist’s image of you.
That image keeps you trapped, like being in a circus fun house of
distorted mirrors, and it’s time to leave. As soon as you turn your
back on those painful images, you’ll feel relieved and more confident
and accepting of yourself. You no longer need to care what the
narcissist says about you because you’re now connecting with
healthier people who can easily see who you are and what you do.
Just be yourself. Every time you allow others to see who you really
are, the more they will like you. It reinforces that you’re not who and
what the narcissist says you are.
Task
Here’s a way to let these things go. Imagine each crazy thing
the narcissist has said about you as if each one were a tiny grain of
sand. Let all of those grains of sand flow into a bowl. You might
anticipate that the bowl would be heavy, but surprisingly it’s not. Pick
up the bowl in both your hands. Take the bowl to a place that you
never want to go to again—perhaps a desert, or the North Pole, or
the deepest point in the ocean. Set the bowl down gently. Turn
around and leave. As you visualize this, I suggest that you actually
pick up a bowl in both of your hands and then set it down because it
will make the experience more vivid in your memory.
As Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t
mind.” Good words to live by.
REDUCING FUTURE FEARS
What Ifs
Ninety-nine percent of all the what ifs that we invent never come
to pass. Future fears are one of those pastimes that waste energy,
create havoc, and expand your anxiety for no good reason. Having a
plan and even a backup plan for your top couple of probable
expectations is rational. Having a plan for every contingency you can
imagine leads to high anxiety and immobilization.
Limit how much time you spend ruminating about possible
reactions from the narcissist—or anyone else. Anticipating the worst
keeps you from living your life comfortably and with enjoyment, and it
does nothing to actually prepare you for what might happen.
Typically, you just find yourself reviewing the same aggravating and
upsetting scenes in your mind. This is a form of self-harm that you
can choose to stop, but it takes determination and practice. Although
these are only thoughts, not things that are actually happening now,
your subconscious mind often triggers your body to respond to them
as if they were real. This is exhausting and can cause chronic stress
symptoms—all instigated by your racing thoughts. Getting over the
habits of worrying and being anxious is worth the effort.
Anxiety doesn’t just occur randomly. It’s triggered by your
anticipation of something vague and unpredictable happening at any
moment. If you’ve spent many years on the edge not knowing what
crazy or distressing thing the narcissist might say or do next, your
entire mental and physical systems may be overresponsive, always
on guard and ready to freeze or run away. It may take a while to dial
down your overreactive alarm system.
Remember the SOLAR exercise about tuning in to the present
moment and practice it daily. When you find yourself going to the
past or the future, gently bring yourself back to the present. Don’t be
harsh or critical in any way. Find things that engage your attention
right now so it’s less tempting to let your mind wander. One client
imagines an internal bell that she rings in her mind whenever she
notices herself worrying or feeling anxious about something that
hasn’t happened yet or may never happen. It’s her self-reminder to
stop and move on to other thoughts. Each time you change your
thinking from fear to calmness, the less anxious you’ll be and the
happier you’ll feel.
Dial Down Your Anxiety
Self-nurturing and self-compassion are good steps for relaxing
and lowering your anxiety. To fully heal, you need to take self-
nurturing seriously and build it into your daily routine—not just for
now, but forever. Think of self-kindness and compassion as
medicines that you need
every day to heal and regain your strength. You’ll also need to use
them in the future to keep yourself from returning to caretaking
behaviors. What nurtures you? My grandmother believed that fresh
grown, homemade food was what kept her mentally and physically
healthy until she died at 101 years old. Here are some other
examples:
A ten-minute walk outside
Music
Hugging yourself
Weekly massages
Reading a book
Calling a friend who listens
Making art
Quiet time with yourself
Task
Make a list of what nurtures you, and pick one thing to do for at
least five minutes every day. Make a date with yourself once a week
to spend a full hour doing something nurturing for yourself. Think you
don’t have time? Poppycock! Take some time away from taking care
of everyone else and give it to yourself. It will give you more energy,
joy, and much more enthusiasm and love to give to others than you
had before. You have to fill up your own reservoirs of need before
you have enough to give to others. Every time you give energy out to
others, you have to replenish. One reason you got stuck in an
unhealthy relationship was because you quit taking care of your own
needs.
Your ability to soothe, nurture, and calm yourself is invaluable in
lowering anxiety, healing, and maintaining emotional strength.
Alcohol, drugs, smoking, overeating, or nonstop TV watching can be
quick ways to calm yourself, but they’ll eventually bring more stress
and problems than they relieve. Try the exercises in this book
instead.
Personal Safe Haven
Having effective ways to nurture yourself and creating an
internal safe haven within are two powerful ways to truly protect and
keep yourself sustained throughout whatever may happen. You can
train your mind to create an internal sense of safety and well-being
instead of using anything outside yourself, such as chemicals, food,
stimulation, or other people. Try this visualization.
Task
Think about a place that feels safe, nurturing, and comfortable
to you. Imagine you are there right now. What feels good about this
place? Notice your body relaxing. Take a deep breath and relax even
more. Bring to mind something or someone that helps you feel cared
about and loved. As you notice that good feeling, help it grow and
expand until you experience it all over your body. Select a nurturing
word or phrase to remind you of this feeling. Hold on to these images
and feelings as you take your right hand and run it gently from the
top of your head, down your left shoulder, and on down your arm and
hand. Now repeat this stroking action using your left hand, and move
down your right side. Take a deep breath and place both hands over
your heart. Cross your arms and give yourself a hug.
This exercise takes only seconds. Practicing it trains your mind
to go to your safe place instantly even in stressful situations. Bring
up the image of your safe haven; gently touch your head, shoulders,
or arms; or say the word you selected and your mind and body will
calm. It’s your home base that you carry with you wherever you go.
The more you use it, the stronger and more composed you’ll feel.
Create a “Code of Well-Being”
According to Dave Ramsey, “When you base your life on
principles, most of your decisions are made before you encounter
them.”[2] Use your principles to create a core set of rules, or Code of
Well-Being, to guide your life and head you in the direction you really
want to go. Too often caretakers use the rules and preferences of the
narcissist rather than their own principles.
Task
You’ve learned a lot of hard lessons from your relationship with
the narcissist. To create a Code of Well-Being, write down the
insights and guiding principles you’ve learned as a result. Use words
that resonate and feel empowering to you. Keep it posted
somewhere, and add to it whenever you learn something new. You
might also want to write down why each one is important to you as a
reminder. These will be invaluable guides for the future. Here are
some principles that former clients have shared:
Never give more energy out to others than I am currently
receiving into my life.
Give others a chance to give back.
Don’t try to fix anyone else’s life.
Don’t try to do the emotional work for others (e.g., read
books for them, call a therapist for them, make excuses or
apologies for them, give them more chances than you would
give yourself, or say it doesn’t matter).
Don’t deny or ignore any feeling that comes up.
Don’t blame anyone else for my feelings.
Never “go along” to keep the peace.
Better to deal with the problem now than later.
You could also create a collage of images to represent each
principle to anchor it more strongly in your mind. Ask a trusted friend
or loved one to remind you of your standards when she or he sees
you getting off track, if you feel comfortable doing that. When you
keep in mind what you have learned, no one else can mislead,
scam, or threaten you into acting any way other than what is right for
you. When you know you’re living by your Code, you’ll be less
anxious because you are ready to handle whatever comes up.
Finding Your People
For thousands of years, humans lived in clans and villages,
where nearly everyone was related in some way. In each little group,
people tended to look alike, talk alike, and have the same values and
beliefs. It felt safe. Choices were made as a family about marriage
partners, work, and property.
In just a few hundred years, all that has changed. Now
individuals are required to make every life decision on their own.
This has advantages, but it also has disadvantages, such as anxiety,
the possibility for huge mistakes, and a sense of loneliness due to
lack of community. Since you aren’t automatically in a clan or village
of like-minded people, you have to find your people, that is, your own
sense of belonging, your own friends, career, spouse, and
community. And because people move around a lot more, you may
have to continually work to find your people. How to do this well has
become one of the dilemmas of the “modern age.”
Obviously, you’ve found out that narcissists are not your people.
But who are your people? To find where you feel you really belong,
you have to know who you are, what you want, what you believe in,
and how you want to live your life. When you know these things
about yourself, you’ll know what kind of people you’re looking for.
Most people enjoy others who are similar to themselves, but who are
enough different to be interesting, and who bring new information
and talents into the relationship. I’ll say more about this in the next
chapter.
MOVING FORWARD
Appreciate Yourself
Gratefulness toward others can be a catalyst to appreciating
yourself. Other people love, support, and help sustain you, as you do
the same for them. You are just as important to others as they are to
you. Appreciating what you give to others is essential to learning
your value as a person. Most caretakers think they need to give five
or ten times more to others than they receive, to be a good person.
This actually means you are devaluing what you offer at five or ten
times less than what you receive. This inevitably creates an
imbalance in your relationships and can lead to your being
undervalued and exploited. You need to know your worth and that
you have a right to expect others to appreciate what you are offering.
Appreciating your value doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to
become boastful or demand that others thank you for everything you
do. It means that you’ll choose carefully who you give to. If your gifts
are unappreciated, you simply stop giving to that person and give to
others who will be grateful. Notice how your gifts are treated by
others, and use that as information to move toward or away from
relationships appropriately.
Task
In your journal, list the traits, qualities, skills, and ways of
showing love that you bring to relationships. Turn each one into a
positive statement about yourself, starting with the words I am. For
example, I am
warm and thoughtful.
considerate of other people’s feelings.
a good friend.
excellent at handling finances.
funny.
loyal.
You deserve to be appreciated for everything that is on your list,
and you also deserve to receive these same things from others.
Rely on Your Strengths
It can feel daunting to think about being on your own without
your former relationship or to think about finding a new relationship.
You’re finding out so much about yourself. You have undoubtedly
found that you are stronger than you thought you were. You’ve gone
through a tremendous loss, and yet here you are trying your best to
understand what happened and learn what to do that would work
better. This shows tremendous courage, resilience, and an inquiring
mind. You’re not a person who sits around moaning forever. You’re
someone who wants to get going, do things differently, heal your
pain, and move on to a better life. You’re someone who perseveres
and is determined despite difficulties and troubles.
You’re strong. You’re repairing, restoring, and rebuilding. As you
learn new skills and heal old wounds, you’ll come to a greater
wholeness. You’ll feel more confident, and eventually you’ll find joy
again. The new choices you make in the future will be more
satisfying and successful because you have done the work of
healing. Life is definitely going to get better.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
How much time do you spend thinking about the past?
How much time do you spend worrying about the future?
When you did the SOLAR exercise, what did you notice?
How do you distract yourself? How helpful or hurtful are those
distractions?
How much do you let others know what you are thinking and
feeling?
What fears do you have about being more open and truly
yourself around others?
What regrets are you hanging on to? How could you let them
go?
What past dreams would you like to repurpose?
What do you still need to release? How do you plan to do that?
What helps you reduce your anxiety?
How quickly can you get to your safe haven? What does it feel
like there?
What principles or Code of Well-Being have you identified for
your life?
How can you become more aware of your value to others?
How much do you appreciate your strengths?
NOTES
1. Burdick, Debra. Mindfulness Skills Workbook for Clinicians and
Clients. Eau Claire, WI: PESI, 2013, pp. 59–60.
2. Ramsey, Dave. The Total Money Makeover. Nashville, TN: Nelson
Books, 2013.
Chapter 17
Finding Others to Love
“And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
—Anais Nin
LOVE OTHERS AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF
Caretakers believe that if they give enough love, they will be loved in
return. This doesn’t work with narcissists, who have a low ability to
love others. Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life,[1]
suggests that you fill yourself up with love, and then as you overflow,
send that extra out to others.
This is love that won’t deplete you, won’t leave you empty and
needy, and won’t abandon you. If someone doesn’t appreciate your
gift of love, you just pull back, knowing that it will not leave you
wanting because you are always filling yourself up. In addition, this
method reduces fears of being alone, unloved, or rejected. How do
you do this? There are three ways to fill up with love—be open to
love from others, feel love from universal energy, and love yourself
through self-care and a positive, compassionate attitude toward
yourself.
Love from Others
Being around loving, supportive people who are interested in
your well-being is important to your feeling filled up. Too much
isolation, too much time thinking about the past or the future, and
overgiving can lead to feeling empty and lonely. You need to get
attention and validation from others—to be seen, heard, and
responded to. Other people pull you into the present when you
interact, which makes you feel alive and joyful. You exchange energy
with others and feel rejuvenated. Accepting and allowing others to
love you can do a lot to fill you up.
Universal Love and Energy
I also believe that it’s important to have a conduit to universal
love. You may call this God, or Allah, or Yahweh, or a Higher Power,
or all-enveloping love, or universal energy, or whatever you choose.
When you know deep in your heart that you belong, that you deserve
to be alive, and that you have not just been left on this earth to fend
for yourself, then you have access to energy that can carry you
through hard times. This energy, however, can be hard to connect
with when everything seems to be going wrong. You can feel very
alone and empty then. Here is one way to get back in contact with
that energy.
Task
Focus on your breath. Your breath is the energy of life that
surges through you in every moment. Where did it come from? You
have this breath of life just as everyone else on earth has it. Do you
deserve it any less than anyone else? Every time you breathe in you
are accepting this gift of life. Every time you breathe out you are
letting go of that which you no longer need—carbon dioxide, hurt,
sadness, stress, the past. Take a moment now to breathe. Get in
touch with your own source of life.
Focus on your feet. You are standing on the earth, which
provides you and everyone else support, food, and all forms of
useful plants, minerals, and animals that make your life here
possible. The earth gives this support to everyone without picking
and choosing. It also gives you the oxygen that sustains your breath.
Stand on the earth, breathe in, and let yourself accept this gift.
Focus on the sun and the moon. These planetary bodies make
life on earth possible. The sun supplies unlimited energy to all—with
no favoritism. The moon keeps our oceans alive and offers everyone
a sense of being loved and watched over. Accept this energy as your
birthright. Let it flow into you.
Now take a moment to thank the universe for being in such
balance that these gifts were given to you and that you can depend
on them every day. Take time to appreciate the fact that you didn’t
have to earn these gifts. They’re yours for free and forever.
Each time you tune in and appreciate these things, you’ll notice
that it fills you with energy and expands your hope. That transfer of
energy is available to strengthen you—whenever you choose. Rely
on it to recharge yourself. Use this universal energy when you offer
help to others. Fill yourself up and then give it out to others instead
of using your own physical and psychic energy.
DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIPS
When you leave a love relationship, it is tempting to want to find a
replacement as soon as possible. However, as you can see, the
process of healing takes time, reflection, new self-awareness, and
rebuilding. Investing in the good friendships that you have and
developing new ones are at the core of this step in your healing.
Relationships with friends can help you practice more equal give-
and-take. You can open up and share deeper parts of yourself. You
can try out new skills, such as setting boundaries, speaking up for
yourself, and being more assertive. With friends you can see
yourself more objectively, practice skills, and try out new responses.
It’s important to have a solid set of friends before going back
into a love relationship. You will need their support, as well as their
observations, insight, and honest responses to evaluate anyone new
who comes into your life. You may not agree with everything they
have to say, but you can use this information to make better
decisions as you move forward.
OPENING TO LOVE AGAIN
Your former caretaker role may have left you so exhausted and
burned out that you think you’ll never want to be in a relationship
again. You may not trust your own ability to see who will and won’t
be suitable for you. On the other hand, you may be desperate to get
into a relationship again to soothe your pain and loneliness. As long
as you are in either of these states, you’re probably not healed
enough to choose wisely.
However, there will come a time when you are ready. When you
feel content with your life and it feels full and joyful, you’ll find
yourself willing and able to share your life with another person. As
you heal your emotional pain, rebuild your self-esteem, and learn to
accept caring from others, you’ll find the life you are looking for—or it
may find you.
Fear, desperation, depression, and anxiety can all get in the way
of your being open to love again. As you heal the pain from the past,
you’ll be ready to choose who to bring closer and who to move away
from. Your principles will be guiding you rather than neediness or
fear. Knowing that you can take care of yourself, you’ll no longer be
desperate to find someone to make your life OK. You can begin to
count on your feelings to lead you toward people, experiences, and
choices that will resonate with who you are and what you truly want
for your life.
RED FLAGS
As you explore new love relationships always stay aware of your
responses. Never discount any feeling that comes up. Consider your
feelings, intuition, and keen observations, and use these to
understand yourself and the other person. As soon as you notice any
sense of things not feeling quite right, step back, observe, and give
full consideration to what you are noticing. Here is a summary of the
red flags I give out to my clients to help them spot when things aren’t
quite right in a new relationship.
Move away from the other person and evaluate your situation
before going forward whenever you
feel engulfed, controlled, or manipulated.
see an emotional double standard in the relationship.
experience your feelings being denied, criticized, or
dismissed.
feel unheard or not listened to.
notice the other person always needs to be right.
feel your self-esteem diminishing.
see a need in the other person to control the money for his
or her benefit.
feel there is something “not right,” for example, secrets or
unexplained behaviors.
feel criticized, blamed, put down, or discounted (often done
jokingly at first).
feel confused by “explanations” that you’re given about
hurtful behaviors.
observe out-of-control, overly intense emotional reactions.
Any time you find yourself uncomfortable with how another
person is acting around you, immediately take notice. Observe the
behavior, notice your feelings, and assess whether the interaction is
respectful, loving, caring, and considerate of you. If it is not, step
away from the interaction, and give yourself time to reflect. It may
also be wise to talk with someone you trust about the situation to get
perspective and feedback. Then decide what you want to do or say.
Take every new relationship slowly to give yourself time to trust your
new skills and instincts.
You may also find when you move toward a new love
relationship that your old caretaking behaviors automatically kick in.
Keep a close eye on your behaviors as well. Be aware of when you
do any of the following things:
Give up activities, people, or goals that are important to you
to be in this relationship
Feel hopeless and helpless for seemingly no reason
Forget what is important to you
Find yourself giving in to keep the peace
Condone behaviors that are against your values
Do more and more for the other person
Feel unappreciated for all you do
Tell yourself you don’t have any preferences or passions
that are worth fighting about
No longer easily express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas
Try harder to please when you are treated badly
Ignore or forget to take good emotional, physical, or
spiritual care of yourself
These behaviors don’t indicate that you should end the
relationship; they’re reminders of things to notice and think about.
Assess whether the other person is inviting you to caretake him or
her. On the other hand, you may be caretaking even when the other
person doesn’t need or want you to. Be aware of automatically
jumping into caretaking responses, and take steps to change those
responses. You may feel awkward and uncomfortable as you
approach a new relationship without caretaking. Always be aware as
you navigate a new relationship. Keep at it, and you’ll find it gets
easier. Finally, don’t waste your time on relationships that aren’t
leading you where you want to go.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
What are you looking for? Have you ever sat down and written out
the qualities you desire in a partner or set up standards for the types
of interactions you yearn for? Have you created a picture in your
mind of how the two of you would work together, spend time with
each other and apart, resolve differences, get along with each
others family, spend and save money, divide up chores, and
experience your sexuality?
Talk About It Sooner Rather than Later
Don’t wait until you decide this is a serious relationship to share
your ideas and feelings about these things. Telling yourself to wait
and see what the other person’s ideas are is a caretaking response.
The wonderful advantage of being open and clear about who you
are, what you feel, and what you prefer from the moment you meet
someone is that you zero in more quickly on whether the relationship
will be compatible for you. It means that you can sort out what won’t
work early on before you get too emotionally committed. Then you’re
less likely to spend months or years trying to convince each other to
see things your way because you don’t really work well together.
When you use the wait-and-see model, you’ll already be emotionally
and sexually involved before you even find out if the relationship has
the potential to work for you.
A Stronger Relationship Model
Having a well-defined model of what you want based on your
principles will help you sort through your options when you meet
someone new. This gives you a solid foundation for judging the core
elements of the relationship while providing for flexibility and
individuality.
Partnership relationships tend to be more stable and durable
than the superior/inferior model you had with the narcissist. They
require two people who can contribute ideas, tolerate different points
of view, and negotiate disagreements and have equal consideration.
Because you’ll be more aware of your differences, you’ll also need to
have good communication skills and flexibility. However, these
differences have the potential to result in higher-quality decisions
and greater longevity of the relationship.
Needy or dependent relationships such as between a narcissist
and caretaker resemble the letter A—both people leaning on each
other. This model collapses if one person steps away by thinking
differently or wanting to do anything separately. The partnership
relationship resembles the letter H. It’s pretty easy to see that the H
shape is much stronger and allows each person to stand on his or
her own, while still being connected. Two strong, independent people
bonded together can move forward more easily and weather difficult
times much more effectively than two dependent people.
Be Careful What You Ask For
Think back and consider what you were looking for in a love
partner when you met the narcissist. What was it that appealed to
you about him? Make a list of these things and compare them with
what you are looking for now. What is similar and what is different?
Certain combinations of characteristics can be very appealing but
are also very likely to bring another narcissist into your life. The
following characteristics tend to bring along with them a high
likelihood of narcissism:
Extremely good looks
Highly protective
Hard driving, results oriented
Desire to make or have a lot of money
Someone whose job is about controlling others’ behaviors
or lives, for example, pilots, surgeons, lawyers, politicians,
positions of great power
People who work hard to be convincing, for example,
commissioned sales people, performers, extreme do-gooders
Always has to look sharp and perfect
Overly generous
High expectations for self and others
Secretly a rebel
Obsessive-compulsive
These things aren’t always correlated to narcissism, so look
below the surface at the person’s deeper, more emotional
responses. However, be wary and cautious.
Don’t Overlook Good Possibilities
When you were being a caretaker, your tendency was to look for
a partner who really needed your help or someone who would take
care of you. Your emotional radar was more strongly tuned to those
who were struggling and needing assistance or those who seemed
powerful, influential, and in control. You may have completely
overlooked and ignored the possible partners in between.
Clients who have been married to narcissists often say they find
this middle group boring, uninteresting, mundane, and unexciting.
However, that group also tends to be reliable, steady, loyal, and
devoted. They go to work, help others, take out the trash with a
smile, adapt gracefully to new or difficult situations, share easily,
cooperate, and like working as a team. They typically enjoy
relationships with a balance of give-and-take. They share the load
and take you as you are. Were any of these qualities on your ideal
list? I hope so, because there are a whole lot of these people in the
middle available and willing to really share a life with you.
Amy had been married to a cardiac surgeon for ten years. She
had everything she wanted—a fabulous house, expensive vacations,
lots of beautiful clothes, and entertaining social events. However,
Steve was demanding, distant, critical, and extremely egotistical.
Amy had always thought she wanted a husband who could provide
well financially, until that’s all she had. She couldn’t take the
emotional loneliness anymore and asked for a divorce.
For a long while Amy didn’t date at all. Then she dated a
number of men using her old criteria, but she feared she was making
the same mistake. One evening after the biking club’s group ride,
she and Josh, one of her biking friends, went for a drink. Amy
confided that she was probably never going to feel brave enough to
get into another relationship because she kept picking the wrong
guys. Shyly, Josh said, “Why don’t we go out? We’re already friends.
What would it hurt?” Amy had never considered Josh before. He was
the director of a nonprofit organization that provided after-school
programs for kids. He didn’t fit the picture of who she usually dated,
but she found out that he did match the list of qualities she wanted.
They were married two years later, and they now work together
running programs for children all over the city.
WHAT LOVE REALLY FEELS LIKE
Acceptance
The real core of love is acceptance. Feeling accepted just as
you are gives you a huge sense of peace, trust, comfort, and self-
confidence. You know then that you don’t need to fear rejection,
censure, or condemnation. Disagreements are only about different
perspectives and don’t involve superiority/inferiority, good/bad, insult,
provocation, or wounding. Acceptance means that mistakes are
simply a difficulty to be overcome together. Even when you disagree,
you still know you are safe and loved.
Task
Take a moment to imagine a complete sense of acceptance.
Take a couple of deep breaths and relax into a full sense of well-
being. Think about a person (it could also be a pet) in your life who
has fully accepted you exactly as you are. If no living person comes
to mind, imagine a loving fantasy being or someone who has passed
away. Feel that person or being looking at you with complete love,
even knowing your imperfections. Feel the love coming into you and
filling you up. Send your love back just as completely and fully.
Notice how your body feels. What thoughts come up? Let your
thoughts and body accept the love that surrounds you. Breathe it in
and hold it in your heart. This is what total acceptance feels like.
Peacefulness
The most common feeling people have after this exercise is a
sense of peace and contentment. Calmness, peace, and harmony
prevail where there is genuine love. Again, this does not rule out
differences of opinion, but these are accepted and worked out with
caring for the needs and dignity of both people. No two individuals
see, feel, and think exactly alike. A peaceful relationship doesn’t
depend on your being alike; rather it’s about appreciating, valuing,
and even admiring those differences, as they add to the whole well-
being of the relationship. I love the phrase “the Loyal Opposition” as
it’s used in England. It basically means that opposing perspectives
can come together to create higher-quality solutions, while remaining
loyal to the core tenets of the relationship. Being peaceful comes
from the attitude of caring, a desire for harmony, and respect for
each other.
Respectful
Respect includes esteem, reverence, high regard, appreciation,
and acknowledgment. It doesn’t require agreement, giving in, or
giving up anything. It means taking the feelings and values of
another person seriously. Did you feel respected by the narcissist in
your former relationship? When and with whom have you felt
respected? The opposite of respect is disregard. When you feel
disregarded or disdained, you are not in a loving interaction. When
others show respect for you, they aren’t necessarily agreeing with
you, but they are still honoring your value, treating you kindly, and
taking your needs and feelings seriously.
Encouraging
Love is encouraging. It inspires you to be your best. You feel
reassured. Your spirits are raised up, and you feel the energy and
courage to move forward. You certainly don’t feel hopeless and
helpless, as you did with the narcissist. You feel emotionally
supported, fortified, and energized. Remember a time when
someone gave you encouragement. It may have been a parent, a
teacher, or a friend. What did that person say and do that felt
encouraging? Make a note of the feeling. That is what you are
looking for in a long-term love relationship.
Freedom
Love is about freedom to be yourself. That doen’t mean freedom
to do anything you like—but freedom to be who you are, with full
confidence that the other person cares about you just the way you
are. You’re free to have your own thoughts, feelings, values, dreams,
and goals, and you know you’ll still be accepted, respected, and
encouraged by your loved one. The fear of being disapproved of or
abandoned melts away. You know you are loved for yourself, not just
for what you do for the other person.
Equality
In a loving relationship, neither person dictates, controls, or
demands that his or her ideas and rules will rule. It’s a joint effort to
create a life together that is comfortable and supportive for both of
you. You may each contribute different things to the relationship, but
both receive equal consideration. As a result, power struggles and
resentment become negligible. Neither person tries to control or
dominate the other.
Task
Write down your thoughts and feelings about being controlled or
controlling another. Think about a time when you felt controlled by
another person. What do you wish that person had said or done
differently? Think about a time you wanted to be in control of
someone else. What were you feeling? What did you really want?
What could you have done to be more in control of what you wanted
without controlling the other person?
Equal Value
Loving relationships give equal value to each person. That is,
the individuality, values, needs, and yearnings of both people are
kept uppermost in all interactions. Suggestions and differences of
opinions are discussed and even debated. However, a solution is
reached only when the resolution fully considers the needs of both.
This may take more time initially, but the ultimate conclusion builds
more love, understanding, and connection. Because the argument is
solved amicably, this method eliminates the need to come back to it
repeatedly to try to get a better deal. Each feels safe, at ease,
protected, and sheltered with the other. Don’t settle for less than real
love.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
Who already loves you?
What is your method of getting love from universal energy?
How do you show yourself love? What more could you do to be
loving to yourself?
Who are your friends? Why are they your friends? Do you need
to do anything to develop more friendships?
How ready are you to look for a love relationship again?
Which of the red flags do you tend to ignore?
Which red flags about caretaker behaviors do you need to watch
carefully in yourself?
What specific qualities are you looking for in a love relationship?
Which aspects of love have you felt you were shortchanged on
in the last relationship? What actions are you ready to take to find
those qualities in a new relationship?
NOTES
1. Hay, Louise. You Can Heal Your Life. Santa Monica, CA: Hay
House, 1984.
Chapter 18
Living Your Intention
“There is no passion to be found in playing small—in settling for
a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”
—Nelson Mandela
SETTING YOUR INTENTION
As you’ve read through this book, I’m sure you’ve been thinking
about your own situation and trying to relate each idea presented
here to what you’ve been experiencing. I hope you’ve found the
ideas helpful and applicable. You may have even realized that the
recovery from your relationship with this narcissist is exactly what
you have needed to become the person you want to be. The path to
reclaiming yourself takes energy, courage, and determination. You’ve
probably learned more about narcissism than you ever wanted to
know, and hopefully you won’t need to use that painful education
very much in the future. However, what you’ve learned about
yourself is invaluable because you’ll take that knowledge with you.
It’s the basis of creating the life you want to have now. As you figure
out what’s important to you step by step, you’ll have many new
opportunities to use those discoveries.
You’re no longer a collapsed, hopeless, fearful caretaker. You
know that your thoughts, feelings, and needs are important enough
for you to spend your time and energy figuring them out and lovingly
responding to them. Now it is time to set your intention for how you
want to move forward.
An intention is basically a determination to act in a certain way.
It’s a resolve—a way to focus your energies—based on your
principles and goals. It is not a resolution in the common use of the
word. Too often resolutions are made because of what you think you
should do. This is about deciding to honor, support, and respect fully
who you are by being aware and present in your life. It’s not about
doing anything correctly or perfectly or doing it to please, fix, or help
anyone else. It’s about deciding to be alive for yourself. It’s about
doing things in a way that is fully congruent with who you are.
Release Yourself from the Expectations of
Others
As a caretaker you desperately wanted and waited for
permission, acceptance, and understanding from the narcissist. Now
you see that you would never have gotten those things from the
narcissist, no matter what you did. In a convoluted way, this actually
releases you from ever again having to worry about winning the
narcissist’s approval. It’s an impossibility, so that discharges you
from wasting your energy on it any longer.
However, being the nice person you are, you’ll probably also
have to work on letting go of trying to please, fix, and help some of
the other people in your life. Remember, what you do for others has
value and you need to choose carefully where you spend that
energy. You can take care of yourself and give to others, when you
keep the principle of reciprocity in mind. Doing things for others or to
please others creates dependency and hostility. Be an example to
others by maintaining your boundaries, while still being open and
responsive.
Creating Your Intention
Look over your guiding principles and the truths you have
learned about yourself through the earlier chapters of this book. See
whether you can put into one sentence the overall sense of these
lessons. Here are some examples:
I’ve decided to have a calm, emotionally safe home with
loving, gentle people around me.
I’m a caring, generous person, and I expect to be around
other people like myself.
I live a life based on my choices, not the choices others
make for or about me.
Whatever I give to others, I also give to myself.
These are intentions. They state a core belief, a goal, and a
resolve to make it happen. They help you
set the standards of what you expect and are willing to
tolerate;
keep your boundaries; and
maintain a vision of yourself, which then becomes the basis
for your day-to-day decisions.
Take Action
Intentions lead to actions. Even more significantly, intentions
make clear what your actions will be, with very little effort in the
moment. If you want a “calm and emotionally safe home” you won’t
choose to be around anyone who yells, picks fights, insults, or
demeans you or does behaviors that scare you. Because of your
intention statement, you’ll know instantly what you want to do in a
new situation because it will either meet your standards or it won’t. If
it meets your standards, you move toward the interaction. If it
doesn’t, you stop, pause, and decide how much to move away. You
don’t have to spend any time figuring out whether the other person
will like your decision, nor do you have to figure out what the other
person wants or will say or do. You just have to decide what you
want to do about the interaction. Do you see how this saves an
enormous amount of time, energy, mental processing, and emotional
angst? This is much simpler than what you used to do.
It may not be easy to give up your old caretaker patterns.
Although you understand the idea of choosing your own actions, you
may still be confused when you get caught in a difficult or intense
situation with the narcissist. You’ll know that you’re still focused on
the narcissist if you are asking yourself such questions as “How do I
get him to stop yelling?” “How do I get out of this relationship?” “How
do I get him to change how he acts toward me?” Underlying these
questions is a continued hope that you can take action and have the
narcissist be nicer or give you permission to act or that you can
make him happy about what you’re doing. This is old caretaker
thinking, and you’ll be confused about what to do. In reality all you
need to do is decide what you want and then take appropriate action.
It’s no longer about making the narcissist think, feel, or approve of
anything.
Your actions for your own well-being shouldn’t rely on the
narcissist’s doing anything differently. Your actions can be as simple
as hanging up the phone, walking away, saying no, not replying to e-
mails or text messages, or not inviting such a hostile person to your
home. By sticking to your intentions, you simply don’t participate in
anything that doesn’t meet your values and intentions. Then you’re
able to embrace everything else with energy and enjoyment.
Trust the Process
Being a caretaker was about trying to be in control of the
situation, so it may be hard for you to trust that things will work out,
especially because they certainly didn’t work out the way you wanted
with the narcissist. Instead of controlling your own life’s direction, you
were trying to control the narcissist’s, which is pretty similar to trying
to control the orbit of Jupiter. When you turn your focus to making
decisions about your own life, you’ll find things work out more easily
so then it’s easier to trust the situation and yourself.
Throughout this book I’ve been outlining a process that has
proven to be effective in helping caretakers change their lives for the
better. As with most new things, it may feel awkward, and you may
struggle with it at first. But as you put these suggestions into
practice, you’ll feel stronger and more confident and also begin to
have nicer people around you. I strongly believe that you can create
a better life for yourself than you’ve had. I deeply hope that you trust
in yourself and have the courage to take these steps forward.
GRATITUDE
Count the Good in Your Life
The quickest way to move out of feeling victimized and hopeless
is to count the good in your life. Gratitude has an amazing ability to
remind you that the difficulties and pain in your life are really only a
small part of what is happening. The vast majority of the people in
your life and the experiences you’ve had with them are primarily
positive. When you spend too much time looking out for danger and
disaster, you can forget what is actually working well.
Task
One way to get a picture of this good in your life is to create a
diagram. Take a large piece of paper and write your name in the
middle of it. Then in a circle around your name, write the names of
the closest and dearest people in your life. Beyond that create a
circle of the names of friends, acquaintances, and others who are
directly supporting and encouraging you. The next circle of names
will be people, organizations, and community members who are
helpful to you. Create another circle in which you identify your
resources, such as your job, home, money, transportation,
education, and helpful experiences. The next circle includes the
people and institutions that protect your rights, such as police
officers, lawyers, courts, laws, advocates, and mediators. Finally,
surrounding all of these circles are your spiritual supports, including
your Code of Well-Being and your overall beliefs about good in the
world.
Keep this diagram—your Circle of Loving Support—in a visible
place, where it can remind you of all the good in your life and the
support you have. If there are gaps in any of your circles, reach out
and fill them with new people, being thankful for these new additions.
Give yourself some time to experience a feeling of gratefulness for
each person and entity in the circle, and notice the resulting effect.
The Benefits of Gratitude
The feeling of victimization diminishes for each awareness you
have of the love, kindness, and support around you. You may need
and want more support, but appreciating what you already have
helps you feel worthy to reach out for more. You have value and
importance to others. You’re the only you in the world. Be grateful for
this uniqueness. Gratitude increases your self-esteem and self-
confidence. It can help you relax because you know who you can
call on for support and what resources are available.
Gratefulness reminds you that you are not alone. You belong to
a community. The narcissist tried to keep you disconnected from
others. Now you have the freedom to reconnect. Humans can’t
survive or prosper alone. We’re a species that needs to function in
groups. We need other people. Let yourself reach out and ask for
help and continue to offer help to others. Just try to keep it more
balanced. We are interconnected. Gratefulness is the glue that
keeps those connections strong.
Task
Like most things, gratitude increases the more you use it. Take
time each day to look at your Circle of Support diagram. Let yourself
feel the caring and support from each person by saying his or her
name, remembering a kindness, seeing that person’s face. Then
send your love and appreciation back to him or her. Gratitude is a
circle of giving and receiving. Keep it flowing. This only takes a few
minutes, but it can change your day.
You may find it enjoyable to keep a gratitude journal. In it you
record good things that have happened to you each day. Keeping
such a record provides tangible evidence of positive experiences
that you can review. Too often we notice the painful things that
happen each day, but we don’t take enough time to be aware of and
deeply feel the many lovely things that also occur.
NEVER GIVE UP BEING YOURSELF
Be Exactly Who You Are
This whole book has been about being present and letting the
essence of you come out and guide your life. Yes, that’s self-
focused, although not selfish. This time spent paying attention to
yourself and giving yourself time to heal hardly compares to the
hours, days, and years you’ve spent totally paying attention to the
narcissist. It’s time to rebalance the scales. You were not taking you
seriously. You were hoping that pretending to be who and what the
narcissist wanted you could change him and make the relationship
work better. Of course that failed. But that failure has allowed you to
reconnect with yourself. You are the only one of you in the universe.
Who can do the job of being you, except you? There is no evidence
that you’ll ever get a chance to be you again, so have the courage to
trust that you have something that no one else brings to this life.
Offer it, share it, appreciate it, and let others enjoy it.
Allow Others to Be Who They Are
Giving yourself permission to be who you are and live the life
you want makes it logical that you would be willing to let others do
the same. Letting the narcissist go hinges strongly on your letting go
of trying to change him. By now you have living proof that it can’t be
done. You can quit worrying about anything the narcissist says or
does because you now have ways to protect yourself from further
damage. As you heal, you’ll find that the narcissist is less and less
interesting and troublesome because you just don’t care.
Be an Inspiration and a Role Model
When you live your life honestly and with integrity, you increase
your own happiness, and you also become a role model to others to
do the same. This isn’t a book about parenting, but the best gift you
can offer your children is to show them how to be strong, loving, self-
caring, and able to stand up for themselves. As they watch you have
the courage to change your life and choose healthier relationships,
they’ll learn to do the same. Knowing this may help you release any
guilt you feel about bringing them into such a difficult family situation.
Your positive, respectful, determined, self-protective, and effective
actions demonstrate to your children how to do the same. When you
value yourself, they’ll also learn to value themselves.
As you heal and your life becomes more positive, happier, and
full of caring people, you prove to yourself that difficult people don’t
have to ruin your life. You can be an inspiration to others who are
facing hurdles in their lives as well. You have much to offer them just
by being you.
CREATE A NEW LIFE STORY
Rewrite Old Messages
Earlier we talked about repurposing your dreams. Now I want to
encourage you to actually create some new dreams. It’s time to let
go of your old life story and invent a new one. When your life
changes, your dreams need to change. Take an active part in
deciding where you want your life to go from here. Rewrite those old,
hopeless defeat messages with a new, hopeful tone. Take each
negative self-thought and switch it around with a new message of
self-truth. Here are some examples:
Old New
I am such a fool for believing
what the narcissist promised me.
I’m a trusting, good-hearted person who
believes in the good in others.
I’ll never recover from this
relationship.
I’m strong, and I have made it this far. I have
the courage to make a new life.
I always mess things up. I’m not perfect. I learn from my experiences,
and I see myself moving forward to a better life.
If the narcissist couldn’t love
me, I must be unloveable.
I’m loveable and capable. I love myself and
others love me. I’ll make a good life for myself.
Remember, the words you say to yourself about yourself have
profound power. They are the foundation for your attitudes, life
decisions, moods, and emotional energy. Be aware of your self-talk,
and make sure it’s directing you toward the life you are moving into,
not the life you’re leaving behind.
Task
A vision board is a collage that shows—in pictures—where you
want to go and what you want to do. You can use pictures from
magazines, calendars, photos, drawings, stamps, stickers, or
whatever you want. Combine them in a pleasing way, depicting
yourself as you want to be and the life you wish to lead. Let it be a
vision of how you want to feel, what you want to do, and the words
you want to use to encourage yourself. Keep it visible as a reminder
of where you are going.
Remember Who You Used to Be
Try to remember the things you liked to do before you met the
narcissist or even earlier when you were a child. What brought you
joy then? What fascinated you? What excited you? Now might be a
good time to try some of these things again. Years ago, you probably
weren’t so fearful and careful of everything you said and did. Take a
chance now to explore different possibilities and see what happens.
Tell your inner critic to sit on the sidelines for a while and just
observe. It can be there if you are headed for real trouble, but
otherwise let it take a snooze.
Try Something New
The best way to create a new life story is by going out and living
your life in a new way. Be around new people. Try new activities to
find out what brings you joy. Try some Meet-Up gatherings. Ask your
friends what they enjoy doing and maybe go along with them. Learn
a new skill, try a new activity, expand your limits.
The end of a relationship can mean that you have to move or
get a new or different job. You get to choose again. That could mean
a new neighborhood or a new town or even somewhere across the
country. A new job can bring new skills, new people, and a new
rhythm to your life. These changes may sometimes be scary, but
they could also be the best thing that ever happened to you. New
choices bring new opportunities. Use the insight and skills you’ve
learned here to continually assess what feels right to you and what
inspires your curiosity and enthusiasm.
Take Your Time Within the Time You Have
Try to let yourself consider your new choices calmly and without
immediate pressure. There can be time limits on some of these
important choices, but often the stress of new choices comes from
you putting pressure on yourself. And, of course, the narcissist
always wants you to hurry up and decide. Don’t create more stress
by putting pressure on yourself. It adds too much sense of coercion
and strain. Give yourself time to breathe, contemplate, consider,
check in with your feelings, check the facts, imagine yourself in the
new situation, make lists, check with your trusted friends and
advisers, and then decide for yourself. Always ask yourself “What do
I want?” The choice is yours and doesn’t have to match what anyone
else would choose.
FINALLY
My hope for you is that each day, you’ll be a little more of who you
want to be, whether that is being more honest, more open, more
assertive, more fearless, more genuine, more of just you. Keep your
vision in mind, and trust your intuition to steer you toward your goals.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
What expectations from others are you still trying to meet? Who are
you still trying to please?
What are your primary intentions for your life? What actions
have you already taken to live your life based on these intentions?
If you were totally and truly who you are, how would your life be
different?
Who are you still trying to direct and control? Why? What are
you afraid she or he will do?
What actions could you take to protect yourself without
oppressing the other person?
Who looks up to you as an inspiration and role model? How
does that feel?
What new things are you ready to try?
How can you make future decisions with less fear and stress?
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Index
A
abuse, 1 , 2 , 3
acceptance, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6
of self, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3
Aikido, emotional, 1
asking for help, 1 , 2 , 3
anger, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3.1-3.2
anxiety, 1 , 2
reducing, 1.1-1.2
appreciation of self, 1
authenticity, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
B
bargaining, 1 , 2
Baron-Cohen, Simon, 1
See also Zero Degrees of Empathy
blaming, 1 , 2 , 3
boundaries, 1 , 2
defending, 1.1-1.2
and empathy, 1
lack of, 1
and limits, 1
with the narcissist, 1 , 2.1-2.2
setting, 1
weak, 1.1-1.2 , 2
Burdick, Debra, 1
See also SOLAR
businesslike, being, 1 , 2
C
caretaker, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8.1-8.2 , 9
challenges, 1.1-1.2
quitting caretaking, 1
strengths 1.1-1.2
vulnerabilities, 1.1-1.2
change, 1 , 2
narcissist’s promises to, 1
choices, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 , 9 , 10.1-10.2
for love, 1.1-1.2
redeciding about, 1
closure, 1
Code of Well-Being, 1
codependent, 1
communication
open and honest, 1
community
finding your people, 1.1-1.2
compassion, 1 , 2 , 3
control, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
vs. equality, 1 , 2
of narcissists, 1
of yourself, 1 , 2
crisis, 1
criticism, 1
D
Deresiewicz, William, 1
denial, 1
despair, 1
disappointment, 1
disengagement, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8.1-8.2
distractions, 1
divorce, 1.1-1.2
and children, 1.1-1.2 , 2
drama triangle, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6
E
emotional reasoning, 1
empathy, 1
lack of, 1.1-1.2 , 2.1-2.2 , 3
super-empathy, 1
See also Zero Degrees of Empathy
empowerment, 1
enabling, 1
entitlement, 1
ethical principles, 1.1-1.2 , 2
F
failure, 1.1-1.2
False Self, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6
fault, 1 , 2
fear
in caretakers, 1 , 2
of failure, 1
about the future, 1 , 2.1-2.2
in narcissists, 1 , 2
of success, 1.1-1.2
fight/flight/freeze, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3
finances, 1 , 2
fixing the narcissist, 1 , 2
forgiveness, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2 , 4
Emight, Robert, 1
of self, 1
friendship, 1 , 2 , 3
G
goals, 1 , 2 , 3
gossip, 1
gratitude, 1.1-1.2
grief, 1 , 2 , 3
guilt, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
H
happiness, 1
harm
denial of, 1
intentional vs. accidental, 1
Hay, Louise, 1
See also You Can Heal Your Life
help, asking for, 1
How to Talk to Children about Divorce, 1
T
The Human Magnet Syndrome, 1.1-1.2 , 2
I
independence, 1 , 2
intentions, 1.1-1.2
creating, 1
purpose of, 1.1-1.2
intimacy, 1
and sex, 1
intuition, 1 , 2.1-2.2
invalidation, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3 , 4
J
Jekyll and Hyde, 1
judgmental
fears of being, 1
non-judgmental, 1
L
labels, 1 , 2
lawyers, 1.1-1.2 , 2
letting go, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7
exercises for, 1.1-1.2
narcissist’s image of you, 1
See also forgiveness
life plan, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2 , 4.1-4.2
logic, lack of, 1
loneliness, 1
loss, 1
love
from others, 1
looking for, 1
ready for, 1
of self, 1 , 2 , 3
universal, 1
loyal opposition, 1
loyalty, 1
M
magnetic attraction, 1.1-1.2
McBride, Jean, 1
See also How to Talk to Children about Divorce
McBride, Kary1, 1
See also Will I Ever be Free of You?
mental illness, 1 , 2
merging, 1
moral compass, 1.1-1.2
N
narcissist, 1
below the surface, 1
emotionally disabled, 1 , 2.1-2.2
and therapy, 1.1-1.2
traits, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2
leaving relationships, 1
narcissistic rage, 1.1-1.2
neediness, in narcissists, 1
nonjudgmental, 1
O
obligations, 1.1-1.2
over-responsibility, 1
P
passive-aggressiveness, 1
past, getting stuck, 1
partnership, 1 , 2 , 3.1-3.2
perfectionism, 1 , 2
persecutor, 1
personalizing, 1 , 2
pleasing others, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
power, 1 , 2
by being businesslike, 1
present time, 1 , 2.1-2.2
problem solving, 1.1-1.2
projection, 1
purpose for life, 1
pursuing and distancing, 1
push/pull behaviors, 1.1-1.2 , 2
R
Ramsey, Dave, 1
reciprocity, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5.1-5.2 , 6 , 7
red flags, 1.1-1.2
relationship patterns, narcissistic/caretaker, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
releasing
exercises, 1.1-1.2
the past, 1
repression, 1
rescuer, 1
rescuing, 1.1-1.2
resilience, 1 , 2 , 3
respect, 1 , 2 , 3
responsibility, 1
and caretakers, 1
revenge, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
re-write old messages, 1
rights, 1.1-1.2
role model, 1.1-1.2
Rosenberg, Ross, 1 , 2
See also The Human Magnet Syndrome
S
safe haven, 1
saying no, 1
secrets, 1
self-awareness, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8
self-care, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5.1-5.2 , 6.1-6.2
self-confidence, 1 , 2 , 3
self-doubt, 1
self-encouragement, 1.1-1.2 , 2 , 3 , 4.1-4.2 , 5
self-esteem, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8.1-8.2 , 9 , 10
self-judgments, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6.1-6.2 , 7
self-protection, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5
self-talk, 1 , 2
self-validation, 1
self-worth, 1
Seuss, Dr., 1
shame, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
in narcissists, 1
SOLAR exercise, 1.1-1.2
sociopaths, 1.1-1.2 , 2
speaking up, 1 , 2.1-2.2 , 3
splitting, 1 , 2
strengths, 1 , 2 , 3
success, 1 , 2
superior/inferior, 1
support system, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6
sympathy, 1 , 2
T
tasks
acceptance, of feeling, 1
acknowledging feelings, 1
anger, 1
breathing, 1
bucket list, 1
challenges, facing, 1
changes, facing, 1 , 2
choices, 1
Circle of Loving Support, 1
Code of Well-Being, 1.1-1.2
being controlled, 1
dreams, repurposing, 1
feelings, identifying, 1
giving and receiving, 1
gratitude awareness, 1
harm, assessing, 1
listening to yourself, 1
loss, 1
new responses, 1
present moment, being in, 1
releasing the narcissist’s image of you, 1
safe haven, 1
self-appreciation, 1.1-1.2
self-encouragement, 1
self-nurturing, 1
self-worth, 1
strengths and talents, 1
support, 1
talk yourself through a challenge, 1.1-1.2
tuning into self, 1.1-1.2
universal love and energy, 1.1-1.2
values, 1
vision-board, 1
what I want, 1
threats, 1 , 2
transparency, 1 , 2.1-2.2
trust
lack of in narcissists, 1
your process, 1
U
undeserving, 1
unsuccessful, 1
V
values, 1
victim, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
vs. gratitude, 1
W
Weintraub, Pamela, 1
Will I Ever be Free of You?, 1
winning and losing, 1.1-1.2
Y
yearning, 1
yes, 1 , 2
You Can Heal Your Life , 1
Z
Zero Degrees of Empathy , 1
About the Author
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has been a therapist for over
thirty-five years, specializing in the care of people who have been
negatively affected by a narcissistic parent, spouse, or child. She
grew up with a borderline mother and caretaker father and salvaged
her self-esteem after getting divorced from a narcissist.
Her Caretaker Recovery groups have helped people understand
the relationship patterns that occur with narcissists and learn how to
get out of these manipulative interactions. Her goal is to help
caretakers recover their self-esteem and self-confidence and move
on to healthier and happier lives.
You can find more information and subscribe to her Caretaker
Recovery Newsletter at margalistherapy.com. Dr. Fjelstad can be
reached at margalistherapy@gmail.com. You can take her online
class based on the content from her recovery groups at
caretaker.digitalchalk.com.